1.3. CHAPTER III
The adventures we met with in the City of
Diseases.
WE had not been long arrived in our inn,
where it seems we were to spend the
remainder of the day, before our host
acquainted us that it was customary for all spirits,
in their passage through that city, to pay their
respects to that lady Disease, to whose assistance
they had owed their deliverance from the lower
world. We answered we should not fail in any
complacence which was usual to others; upon
which our host replied he would immediately send
porters to conduct us. He had not long quitted
the room before we were attended by some of
those grave persons whom I have before described
in large tie-wigs with amber-headed canes. These
gentlemen are the ticket-porters in the city, and
their canes are the insignia, or tickets, denoting
their office. We informed them of the several
ladies to whom we were obliged, and were preparing
to follow them, when on a sudden they all
stared at one another, and left us in a hurry, with
a frown on every countenance. We were surprised
at this behavior, and presently summoned
the host, who was no sooner acquainted with it
than he burst into an hearty laugh, and told us the
reason was, because we did not fee the gentlemen
the moment they came in, according to the custom
of the place. We answered, with some confusion,
we had brought nothing with us from the other
world, which we had been all our lives informed
was not lawful to do. "No, no, master,'' replied
the host; "I am apprised of that, and indeed it
was my fault. I should have first sent you to my
lord Scrape,
[7] who would have supplied you with
what you want.'' "My lord Scrape supply us!''
said I, with astonishment: "sure you must know
we cannot give him security; and I am convinced
he never lent a shilling without it in his life.''
"No, sir,'' answered the host, "and for that
reason he is obliged to do it here, where he is
sentenced to keep a bank, and to distribute money
gratis to all passengers. This bank originally
consisted of just that sum, which he had miserably
hoarded up in the other world, and he is to perceive
it decrease visibly one shilling a-day, till it
is totally exhausted; after which he is to return to
the other world, and perform the part of a miser
for seventy years; then, being purified in the body
of a hog, he is to enter the human species again,
and take a second trial.'' "Sir,'' said I, "you
tell me wonders: but if his bank be to decrease
only a shilling a day, how can he furnish all
passengers?'' "The rest,'' answered the host, "is
supplied again; but in a manner which I cannot
easily explain to you.'' "I apprehend,'' said I,
"this distribution of his money is inflicted on him
as a punishment; but I do not see how it can answer
that end, when he knows it is to be restored
to him again. Would it not serve the purpose as
well if he parted only with the single shilling,
which it seems is all he is really to lose?'' "Sir,''
cries the host, "when you observe the agonies with
which he parts with every guinea, you will be of
another opinion. No prisoner condemned to
death ever begged so heartily for transportation
as he, when he received his sentence, did to go to
hell, provided he might carry his money with him.
But you will know more of these things when you
arrive at the upper world; and now, if you please,
I will attend you to my lord's, who is obliged to
supply you with whatever you desire.''
We found his lordship sitting at the upper end
of a table, on which was an immense sum of
money, disposed in several heaps, every one of
which would have purchased the honor of some
patriots and the chastity of some prudes. The
moment he saw us he turned pale, and sighed, as
well apprehending our business. Mine host accosted
him with a familiar air, which at first surprised
me, who so well remembered the respect I
had formerly seen paid this lord by men infinitely
superior in quality to the person who now saluted
him in the following manner: "Here, you lord,
and be dam—d to your little sneaking soul, tell
out your money, and supply your betters with
what they want. Be quick, sirrah, or I'll fetch the
beadle to you. Don't fancy yourself in the lower
world again, with your privilege at your a—.''
He then shook a cane at his lordship, who immediately
began to tell out his money, with the same
miserable air and face which the miser on our
stage wears while he delivers his bank-bills. This
affected some of us so much that we had certainly
returned with no more than what would have been
sufficient to fee the porters, had not our host,
perceiving our compassion, begged us not to spare a
fellow who, in the midst of immense wealth, had
always refused the least contribution to charity.
Our hearts were hardened with this reflection, and
we all filled our pockets with his money. I remarked
a poetical spirit, in particular, who swore
he would have a hearty gripe at him: "For,'' says
he, "the rascal not only refused to subscribe to
my works, but sent back my letter unanswered,
though I am a better gentleman than himself.''
We now returned from this miserable object,
greatly admiring the propriety as well as justice
of his punishment, which consisted, as our host
informed us, merely in the delivering forth his
money; and, he observed, we could not wonder at
the pain this gave him, since it was as reasonable
that the bare parting with money should make him
miserable as that the bare having money without
using it should have made him happy.
Other tie-wig porters (for those we had summoned
before refused to visit us again) now attended
us; and we having fee'd them the instant
they entered the room, according to the instructions
of our host, they bowed and smiled, and offered
to introduce us to whatever disease we
pleased.
We set out several ways, as we were all to pay
our respects to different ladies. I directed my
porter to show me to the Fever on the Spirits,
being the disease which had delivered me from the
flesh. My guide and I traversed many streets,
and knocked at several doors, but to no purpose.
At one, we were told, lived the Consumption; at
another, the Maladie Alamode, a French lady; at
the third, the Dropsy; at the fourth, the Rheumatism;
at the fifth, Intemperance; at the sixth, Misfortune.
I was tired, and had exhausted my patience,
and almost my purse; for I gave my porter
a new fee at every blunder he made: when my
guide, with a solemn countenance, told me he
could do no more; and marched off without any
farther ceremony.
He was no sooner gone than I met another gentleman
with a ticket, i. e., an amber-headed cane
in his hand. I first fee'd him, and then
acquainted him with the name of the disease. He
cast himself for two or three minutes into a
thoughtful posture, then pulled a piece of paper
out of his pocket, on which he wrote something
in one of the Oriental languages, I believe, for I
could not read a syllable: he bade me carry it to
such a particular shop, and, telling me it would do
my business, he took his leave.
Secure, as I now thought myself, of my direction,
I went to the shop, which very much resembled
an apothecary's. The person who officiated,
having read the paper, took down about twenty
different jars, and, pouring something out of every
one of them, made a mixture, which he delivered to
me in a bottle, having first tied a paper round the
neck of it, on which were written three or four
words, the last containing eleven syllables. I
mentioned the name of the disease I wanted to find
out, but received no other answer than that he had
done as he was ordered, and the drugs were excellent.
I began now to be enraged, and, quitting the
shop with some anger in my countenance, I intended
to find out my inn, but, meeting in the way
a porter whose countenance had in it something
more pleasing than ordinary, I resolved to try
once more, and clapped a fee into his hand. As
soon as I mentioned the disease to him he laughed
heartily, and told me I had been imposed on, for
in reality no such disease was to be found in that
city. He then inquired into the particulars of my
case, and was no sooner acquainted with them than
he informed me that the Maladie Alamode was the
lady to whom I was obliged. I thanked him, and
immediately went to pay my respects to her.
The house, or rather palace, of this lady was one
of the most beautiful and magnificent in the city.
The avenue to it was planted with sycamore trees,
with beds of flowers on each side; it was extremely
pleasant but short. I was conducted through a
magnificent hall, adorned with several statues and
bustoes, most of them maimed, whence I concluded
them all to be true antiques; but was informed
they were the figures of several modern heroes,
who had died martyrs to her ladyship's cause. I
next mounted through a large painted staircase,
where several persons were depicted in caricatura;
and, upon inquiry, was told they were the
portraits of those who had distinguished themselves
against the lady in the lower world. I suppose
I should have known the faces of many physicians
and surgeons, had they not been so violently
distorted by the painter. Indeed, he had exerted
so much malice in his work, that I believe he had
himself received some particular favors from the
lady of this mansion: it is difficult to conceive a
group of stranger figures. I then entered a long
room, hung round with the pictures of women of
such exact shapes and features that I should have
thought myself in a gallery of beauties, had not a
certain sallow paleness in their complexions given
me a more distasteful idea. Through this I proceeded
to a second apartment, adorned, if I may so
call it, with the figures of old ladies. Upon my
seeming to admire at this furniture, the servant
told me with a smile that these had been very good
friends of his lady, and had done her eminent
service in the lower world. I immediately recollected
the faces of one or two of my acquaintance,
who had formerly kept bagnios; but was very
much surprised to see the resemblance of a lady of
great distinction in such company. The servant,
upon my mentioning this, made no other answer
than that his lady had pictures of all degrees.
I was now introduced into the presence of the
lady herself. She was a thin, or rather meager,
person, very wan in the countenance, had no nose
and many pimples in her face. She offered to rise
at my entrance, but could not stand. After many
compliments, much congratulation on her side, and
the most fervent expressions of gratitude on mine,
she asked me many questions concerning the situation
of her affairs in the lower world; most of
which I answered to her entire satisfaction. At
last, with a kind of forced smile, she said, "I
suppose the pill and drop go on swimmingly?'' I
told her they were reported to have done great
cures. She replied she could apprehend no danger
from any person who was not of regular practice;
"for, however simple mankind are,'' said she,
"or however afraid they are of death, they prefer
dying in a regular manner to being cured by a
nostrum.'' She then expressed great pleasure at
the account I gave her of the beau monde. She
said she had herself removed the hundreds of
Drury to the hundreds of Charing-cross, and was
very much delighted to find they had spread into
St. James's; that she imputed this chiefly to
several of her dear and worthy friends, who had
lately published their excellent works, endeavoring
to extirpate all notions of religion and virtue;
and particularly to the deserving author of the
Bachelor's Estimate; "to whom,'' said she, "if I
had not reason to think he was a surgeon, and had
therefore written from mercenary views, I could
never sufficiently own my obligations.'' She
spoke likewise greatly in approbation of the
method, so generally used by parents, of marrying
children very young, and without the least affection
between the parties; and concluded by saying
that, if these fashions continued to spread, she
doubted not but she should shortly be the only disease
who would ever receive a visit from any person
of considerable rank.
While we were discoursing her three daughters
entered the room. They were all called by hard
names; the eldest was named Lepra, the second
Chæras, and the third Scorbutia.
[8] They were all
genteel, but ugly. I could not help observing the
little respect they paid their parent, which the old
lady remarking in my countenance, as soon as they
quitted the room, which soon happened, acquainted
me with her unhappiness in her offspring, every
one of which had the confidence to deny themselves
to be her children, though she said she had been a
very indulgent mother and had plentifully provided
for them all. As family complaints generally
as much tire the hearer as they relieve him
who makes them, when I found her launching farther
into this subject I resolved to put an end to
my visit, and, taking my leave with many thanks
for the favor she had done me, I returned to the
inn, where I found my fellow-travelers just
mounting into their vehicle. I shook hands with
my host and accompanied them into the coach,
which immediately after proceeded on its journey.
[[7]]
That we may mention it once for all, in the panegyrical
part of this work some particular person is always meant: but,
in the satirical, nobody.
[[8]]
These ladies, I believe, by their names, presided over the
leprosy, king's-evil, and scurvy.