 | Amends for Ladies |  |
Scæna prima.
Enter old Covnt wrapt in furs, the Ladie Honor drest like a Bride, the Lord Provd. Wel-trid, Bovld, leading Fee-simple like a Ladie masqu'd, Hvsband, Wife, Svbtle with a letter, Widdovv, to them Brother, Seldom, and his wife.Broth.
Health and all joy vnto this faire assemblie,
My brother, who last tide is gone for France,
A branch of willow feathering his hat,
Bad me salute you Ladie, and present you
With this same letter written in his blood,
He prayes no man, for his fake euermore
To credit woman, nor no Ladie euer
To beleiue man, so either sexe shall rest
Vnniur'd by the other, this is all, and this I haue deliuer'd.
Pr.
I and well, you pronounce rarely, did you neuer play?
Broth.
Yes, that I haue, the soole, as some Lords doe.
Wel.
Set forward there.
Count.
Oh, oh, oh, a pox a this cold.
A cold a this poxe you migt say, I am a feard.
Maid.
How full of ghastly wounds this letter shewes,
oh, oh.
swoones.
Pr.
Looke to my sister.
Bou.
S'hart the Ladie swoons.
Wife.
Strong water there.
Feesi.
If strong breath would recouer her, I am for her.
Co.
Ahlas good Ladie, hum, hum hum.
coughs perpetually
Subt.
He has fet her againe with coughing.
Maid.
Conuey me to my bed send for a Priest
And a Physition, your Bride I feare,
In stead of Epithalamious shall neede
A Dirge, or Epitaph, oh lead me in,
My bodie dies for my soules periur'd sinne.
Exit. Maid, Grace, Wife, Husb. Subtle.
Bould.
Hymen comes towards vs in a mourning robe.
Welt.
I hope friend, we shall haue the better day.
Proud.
I'le fetch the Parson and Physition
Ex. Lo. Pr.
Broth.
They are both readie for you.
Exit. Broth.
Welt.
Madam, this is the Gentlewoman.
Who something bashfull does desire your pardon, that shee
Does not vnmasque.
Wid.
Good Master Wel-tri'd, I would not buie her face,
and for her manners if they were worse, they shall not displease
me.
Welt.
I thanke your Ladyship.
Feesi.
Looke, how the old Asse my father stands, he looks
like the Beare in the play, he has kil'd the Ladie with his verie
sight as God helpe me, I haue the most to do to forbeare
vnmasquing me, that I might tell him his owne, as can be.
Bould.
Fie, by no meanes.
The Widdow comes towards you.
Count.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Wid.
Seruant, God giue you joy, and Gentlewoman,
Or Ladie as full joy, I wish to you,
Nor doubt that I will hinder you, your loue,
But heere am come to doe all curtesie
To your faire selfe, and husband that shall be.
Feesi.
I thank you heartilie.
Welt.
S'hart, speak smaller man.
Feesi.
I thanke you heartilie.
You're going to this geete to Mr. Bould, vm, vm vm.
Bould.
Not to your couching geere my Lord, though I
be not so olde, or rich as your Lordship, yet I loue a yong
wench as well.
Welt.
As well, as my Lord, nay by my faith, that you do
not, loue a yong wench as well as he, I wonder you will be
vnmannerly to say so.
Count.
Faith Master Wel-tri'd, troth is I loue them well,
but they loue not me, vm, vm, vm, you see, what ill luck, I
haue with them, vmp, vmp, vmp, a poxe a this cold still say I.
Welt.
Where got you this cold my Lord? it can get in no
where that I can see, but at your nostrels, or eies, all the other
parts are so barricado'd with furre.
Feesi.
It got in at his eies, and made that birdlime there
where cupids wings doe hang intangled.
Count.
Is this your wife, that (vm, vm, vm) shall be, Ma.
Bould, i'le be so bould as kisse her.
[Wid. Bould whisper aside.
Count. sits in a chaire and fals a sleepe.
Feesi.
Sir, forbeare, I haue one bould enough to kisse my
lips, oh olde coxcombe, kisse thine owne naturall sonne, t'is
worse then a Iustices lying with his own daughter, but M
r.
Wel-tri'd when will the Widdow breake this matter to me?
Welt.
Not till the very close of all, she dissembles it yet,
because my Lord your Father is heere, and her other suitor
Bould.
Feesi.
That's all one, he's o'th plot a my side:
Wid.
T'is needlesse Master Bould, but I will doe
Any thing you require to satisfie you,
Why should you doubt, I will forbid the banes,
For so your friend, heere tould me? I should rather
Doubt that you will not matrie.
Bo.
Madam by heauen, as fully I am resolu'd to marry now,
And will to, if you doe not hinder it,
As euer louer was, only because
The World has taken notice of some passage
Twixt you and me, and then to satisfie
My sweet heart heere, who poore soule is a feard,
To haue some publike disgrace put vpon her,
Wid.
Well, I will doe it, and this professe besides,
Married, you shall as welcome be to mee
As mine owne brother, and your selfe faire Ladie,
Euen as my selfe, both to my boord, and bed.
Wel.
Ah, ah, how like you that?
Feesi.
Now she begins, abundant thanks vnto your widdow-hood.
I wonder'd where his cough was all this while.
Enter Ingen like a Doctor: A Parson, Brother, Provdly, Seldome, Mris. Seld. Hvsband, Wife, and Svbtle.
Ingen.
I pray forbeare the chamber, noise does hurt her.
Her sickenesse I ghesse rather of the minde
Than of her bodie, for her pulse beates well,
Her vitall functions not decaid a whit,
But haue their naturall life and operation.
My Lord, be cheer'd, I haue an ingredient about me,
Shall make her well I doubt not.
In Master Parson, it shall be yours I pray,
The soules Physition should haue still the way.
[Exit Ingen, Parson shuts the doore.
Wid.
How cheeres she pray?
Wife.
In troth exceeding ill.
Ms. Seld.
A verie weake woman indeed she is, and surely
I thinke cannot scape it.
Husb.
Did you marke how she ey'de the Physition?
Wife.
Oh God I, she is very loath to die.
Ms. Seld.
I that's n'ere the better signe, I can tell you.
Subt.
And when the Parson came to her, she turn'd away,
And still let the Physition hold her by the hand.
Proud.
But see what thought the Bride-groome takes,
my conscience knowes now, this is a most præposterous
match, yet for the commoditie, we winck at all inconueniencie.
My Lord, my Lord.
Count.
Vmp, vmp, vmp, I beshrow you for waking of me,
now shall I haue such a fit of coughing, hum, hum—
Bould.
Oh haplesse wife, that shall haue thee, that either
by the cough.
Wid.
You haue a proper Gentleman to your sonne, my
Lord, he were fitter for this yong Ladie than you.
Welt.
D'ee marke that againe?
Feesi.
Oh sweet widdow.
Count.
He a wife, he a fooles head of his owne.
Feesi.
No, of my Fathers.
Count.
What should he doe with a vmp, vmp?
Wife.
What with a cough? why he would spit, and that's
more than you can doe.
Proud.
Your bride my Lord is dead.
Count.
Marrie, e'ne God be with her, griefe will not
helpe it, vmp, vmp, vmp.
Broth.
A most excellent spouse.
Pr.
How fares she Mr. Doctor. Z'oons, whats here
looks in at the window
Bould, Widdow, Wel-tri'd, Fee-simple, hoy-day.
Husband, Wife, Seldome, Ms. Seld. Subtle: how now?
Feesi.
Looke, looke, the Parson joynes the Doctors hand
& hers; now the Do. kisses her by this light.
[omnes whoop.
Feesi.
Now goes his gowne off, hoy-day, he has
read breeches on: Z'oones, the Physition is got
o'th top of her, be like it is the mother she has,
harke the bed creakes.
Pr.
S'hart, the doores fast, break 'em open, we are betrai'd.
Bro.
No breaking open doores, he that stirs first
draws & holds out a pistoll.
I'le pop a leaden pill into his guts.
Shall purge him quite away, no hast good friends,
When they haue done (whats fit) you shall not neede
To breake the doore, thei'l open it them selues.
A curtaine drawne, a bed discouer'd, Ingen with his sword in his hand, and a Pistoll, the Ladre in a peticoate, the Parson.
Pr.
Thy blood base villain shal answere this
the Bro. set back to back
I'le dye thy nuptiall bed in thy hearts gore.
Ing.
Come, come, my Lord, t'is not so easily done,
You know it is not. For this my attempt
Vpon your sister, before God and man
Shall haue my wench, to get diseases on.
Pr.
Well mai'st thou tearme her so that has consented,
Euen with her will to be dishonor'd.
Ing.
Not so, yet haue I lyen with her.
Ma.
But first (witnesse this Priest) we both were married,
Priest.
True it is Domine.
Their contract's run into a marriage,
And that my Lord into a carriage.
Pr.
I will vndoe thee Priest.
Priest.
'Tis to late,
I'm vndone alreadie, wine and Tobacco, I defie thee
Thou temporall Lord, perdy thou neuer shalt
Keepe me in jayle, and hence springs my reason,
My act is neither Felonie nor Treason.
Fee.
I sir, but you do not know, what kindred she may haue.
Omnes.
Come, come, there is no remedie.
Wife.
And weigh't right in my opinion my honor'd Lord,
And euery bodies else, this is a match,
Fitter ten thousand times, than your intent.
Omnes.
Most certaine t'is.
Wid.
Besides, this Gentleman your brother in law well
parted, and faire mean'd, and all this come about (you must
conceiue) by your owne sisters wit as well as his.
Ing.
Come, come, t'is but getting of me knighted my
Lord, and I shall become your Brother well enough.
Pr.
Brother your hand, Lords may haue projects still,
But there's a greater Lord, will haue his will.
Bo.
This is dispatcht. Now Madam is the time,
For I long to be at it, your hand sweet heart.
Feesi.
Now, boyes.
Wid.
My Lord, and Gentlemen, I craue your witnesse
To what I now shall vtter. 'Twixt this Gentleman
There has beene some loue passages and my selfe,
Which heere I free him, and take this Ladie.
Welt.
Law ye, and take this Ladie.
Wid.
Which with a mothers loue, I giue to him,
And wish all joy may crowne their marriage.
Nay Madame, yet she is not satisfied.
Bould giues her a ring, and she puts it on her thumb.
Wid.
Further, before yee all I take this ring
As an assumpsit, by the vertue of which
I bind my selfe in all my lands and goods,
That in his choice, i'le be no hinderance:
Or by forbidding banes, or claiming him
My selfe for mine, but let the match goe on
Without my check, which he intendeth now.
And once againe I say, I bind my selfe.
Bo.
Then once againe, I say, widdow thou'rt mine:
Priest marrie vs, this match I did intend,
Yee are all witnesses, if thou hinder it,
Widdow your lands and goods are forfeit mine.
Wid.
Ha, nay take me to, since there's no remedie,
Your Widdow (without goods) sels scuruilie.
Omnes.
Whoop, God giue you joy.
Count.
S'light, I am cozend of all sides, I had good hope
of the Widdow my selfe, but now I see euerie bodie leaues
me sauing vm, vm, vm.
Bo.
'Troth my Lord, & that will sticke by you I warrant.
Wid.
But how Sir, shall we salue this Gentlewoman?
Bo.
Hang her whoore.
Welt.
Fie, you are too vnciuill.
Feesi.
Whoore in thy face, I doe defie thy taunts.
Bo.
Nay hold faire Ladie, now I thinke vpon't.
The old Count has no wife, lets make a match.
Omnes.
If he be so contented.
Count.
With al my heart.
Bo.
Then kisse your Spouse.
Count.
S'foot she has a beard: how now, my sonne?
Omnes.
T'is the Lord Fee-simple.
[Feesi vnmasques.
Feesi.
Father, lend me your sword, you and I are made a
couple of fine fooles, are we not? If I were not valiant now,
and meant to beate 'em all, heere would lie a simple disgrace
vpon vs, a Fee-simple one indeed, marke now what i'le
say to 'em, d'ee heare my Masters, Dam-me, yee are all the
sonne of a whoore, and ye lie, and I will make it good with
my sword, this is cal'd Roaring Father.
Subt.
I'le not meddle with you Sir.
You are my blood.
Welt.
And I flesht you, you know.
Bo.
And I haue a charge comming, I must not fight now.
Feesi.
Has either of you any thing to say to me?
Hush.
Not we Sir.
Feesi.
Then haue I something to say to you. Haue you
any thing to say to me?
Broth.
Yes marrie haue I Sir.
Feesi.
Then I haue nothing to say to you, for that's the
fashion, Father if you will come away with your cough, doe?
Let me see how many challenges must I get writ: You shall
heere on me beleiue it.
Proud.
Nay, wee'le not now part angrie, stay the Feasts
That must attend the weddings, you shall stay.
Feesi.
Why, then all friends, I thought you would not
haue had the manners to bid vs stay dinner neither.
Husb.
Then all are friends, and Ladie, wife, I crowne
Thy vertues with this wreath, that 'tmay be said,
There's a good wife.
Thei set Girlonds on their heads.
Bo.
A Widdow.
Ing.
And a Maid.
Wife.
Yet mine is now approu'd the happiest life,
Since each of you hath chang'd to be a wife.
Exeunt.
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