University of Virginia Library

XLIV. COGITO ERGO SUM.

1.

2.

“Now, man,” he resumed, with himself agreeing,
“Is an incomplete and impulsive being,
Who, judging of things as they seem to be,
Would misjudge them all, were it not for me.
But his a priori I soon put straight
By the solid and readjusting weight
Of my a posteriori test.
If at first I feel for a while opprest
By the force of the problem thought presents
To my brain-pan loaded with arguments,
Mine impulse anon is to soar above it,
Contemplate, cogitate, calculate, prove it.
For my reason ever inclines in me
My will, which is for that reason free,
To the truth, where I rest and am satisfied,
Between the extremes upon either side.
There the goal is gain'd, and why further go?
Since I know that I think, what I think I must know,
And thus perfect, at last, to the point I come
With my formula cogito ergo sum.”

3.

Those Weights which the Balance was pleased to call
His arguments, being false weights all,
Knew full well, and with secret glee,
Mock'd at the trick of the whole machine,
“For if Justice had only eyes to see,
That rogue the Grocer had long since been
Hang'd by the neck as he ought to be,”
(These False Weights sneer'd with a surly spleen)
“And thou shouldst have served for his gallows tree.
Thou dost think, and so art? State the truth as it is,
Thou dost fancy thou thinkest, and thinkest thou art.
Be it so! It costs nothing to think that or this,
And let each have his fancy. We, too, for our part,
Have a notion 'tis worth not two penn'orth of twine,
What thou art or thou thinkest. But spare us, we pray,
That absurd ergotistical Ergo of thine,
Which to others must sound disobliging if they
Chance to be without thinking. For instance, to man,
Who would surely not be what he is if he thought,
And is right; for the main thing's to be, if one can,
And to think about being is nutshell and naught.
As for thee, if thou canst, thou canst do nothing better
Than beget little scales, and take care that they be
Each, if possible, just like its precious begetter,
For the world's tongue is scandalous. So much for thee!
For thine Ergo; not cogito, say, ergo sum,
But to cogito rather subjoin ergo est,
And, at least somewhat nearer the truth wilt thou come;
To thy formula standing, but standing confest
Sole creator of that idiotic creation
Whose silly existence exists at the best
In the depths of thine own idiotic sensation.
And then as for thy will; it obeys the behest
Of the motive that's strongest, a slave and a thrall
To the force we all feel and yet none of us know.
For the rickety tile that is ready to fall
From the top of the roof if the wind blows high
And be smasht to bits in the street below,
First smashing the skull of some passer-by,
Hath a will that's as free every whit as thine own,
And the sense not, at least, to talk nonsense about it,
Down it falls when it must, and it lies where 'tis thrown,
By an impulse received from a pressure without it.
That pressure's Necessity. What she pronounces
Finds thee, too, like others, obedient enough.
What is coffee? a pound of it weighs sixteen ounces,
And so much, and no more, does a pound weigh of snuff.
This alone, at the most, canst thou know after weighing it,
And 'tis but the result of thou knowest not what.
If thou sayest it, 'tis that thou canst not help saying it,
And thou never wilt say a thing truer than that.”

4.

Now a metal is iron as hard as nails,
Practical, patient, not easily bored:
But ideas it hates, and against them prevails,
As we often have seen, at the point of the sword.
Whilst the Balance uphung 'twixt the earth and the sky,
And by nature responsive to every vibration,
Hovers vague in a realm insubstantial and high
Which seems made for the purpose of pure speculation.
So that when “sixteen ounces of snuff are a poundweight,”
The Weights cried below to the Balance above,
Tho' he knew not, as we do, that this was unsound weight,
He replied, with a shrug, “Well, and what does that prove?”
Then, convinced that he had by this interrogation
Their materialist insolence sternly put down,
He return'd with a tremor of self-admiration
To the point out of which the discussion had grown.

5.

And so matters went on, until brought to a stop
By a quite unforeseen and unpleasant event:
When one day on the Grocer's iniquitous shop
The Police made an inquisitorial descent;
Which establish'd the fact that each weight was a light one,
That the Balance had in it a tendency strong
To incline to the side that was never the right one,
And the Grocer had known of the trick all along.
The Grocer was fined. The Police took possession
Of the Balance and Weights. These the Law handed over
To the anvil and hammer, that made an impression
Upon them from which they will never recover.

6.

In one sack of old iron regardlessly shaken
Do Free Will and Necessity rust evermore.
To a different system the Grocer has taken,
And he cheats more ingeniously now than before.