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Reform

a Farce, Modernised from Aristophanes
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 


3

THOMAS PAINE. JOHN BULL.
THOMAS PAINE.
Now learn what Advantages, if you take fire,
Will straightway attend you:—Tom Paine is no Liar !
I soon shall a Cure for your Blinking devise,
And furnish your Head with regenerate Eyes.

JOHN BULL.
No, no; whether Blinking or Blindness it be,
It shall rest.—

T. Paine.
“None so blind are, as those that won't see.”

5

Why, you cowardly D*v*l ! the K**g and his Crown,
If you but look up and reclaim what's your own,
Are not worth three farthings .—


7

J. Bull.
Cease, cease to pretend
By these impious

T. Paine.
Nay prithee have patience, my Friend ;
And soon you shall own that Supremacy springs
From Yourself , and that you make and can unmake Kings:
For whence does the Royal Authority rise
O'er your Jura Divina , those Rights above Price?
From what John abundantly raises, Supplies:

9

To the Civil List Monarchy owes its Support;
To the Civil List rises the Incense of Court :
For Places and Pensions the Laity fawn,
The Clergy creep, cringe, and crawl forward for Lawn .
To John these Abuses are owing, and He
Might correct them with Ease, if he would.—

J. Bull.
Can it be?


11

T. Paine.
No Off'rings would George from his Subjects receive,
Unless in return He had something to give:
No Bulses

J. Bull.
How, Wretch?—

T. Paine.
I say, certainly none;
Unless you gave him Money and Power, Friend John:
And thus, “for Misconduct cashiered,” 'tis plain,
You might send him to H*n*v*r packing again.
But Riches have now alas! absolute Sway,
And subjugate England:—'Twas but t'other Day

13

Even I for a pitiful Sum was made Prize:
For Money the Journeymen-Shoemakers rise:
For Money T*m Ersk*ne exposes his Brass :
For Money the Treasury governs D*nd*s :

15

For Money, at Durham does B*rr*ngt*n pray ;
His modester Namesake at Botany-Bay:
For Money M*nd*za tans H*mphr*ys' Hide,
And C---t with Razors the Freshmen supplied .

17

By Money the Grand Monarque , à la distance,
Enchanted and HUMBLED the People of France:
For Money the National Synods assemble:


19

J. Bull.
And by Money our Armaments made mad Kate tremble.

T. Paine.
Polemical Politics own it their Sword ,
And Victory follows the Treasury Lord .


21

J. Bull.

In Compassion to the Lais, Timotheus, &c. of modern Times, the Parody of the next eight Lines (from v. 161–168 of the Original) is omitted.

You seem to speak plausibly ; yet, I confess,

This wonderful Pow'r, which you say I possess
(If your Scheme indeed is not a popular Bubble )

23

I fear I shall never reclaim without Trouble.

T. Paine.
John Bull is a Coward.—

J. Bull.
That no one believes;
But when I'm assail'd by Republican Thieves
(Whom extravagant Prospects of Plunder allure)
In a good Constitution they find me secure:
Then my Care is call'd Cowardice—


25

T. Paine.
Prithee, no more;
But Go it , and I will your Eyesight restore:
At the Risk of my Life I engage for Success;
We shall soon raise a Force, whose Wrongs call for Redress:
The Journeymen come, who have nothing to eat,
From patching old Slippers to patch up the State;

J. Bull.
Such sneaking Associates I ne'er can endure:

T. Paine.
The R*gues will be honest with Money and Pow'r .
My Alf*rd Accomplices some one call in
(Who wretchedly live upon P**ching and G*n)

27

That by EQUAL Partition the Feast they may share:
And some Member take in our REFORM'D Bill of Fare.
Do you, my dear Johnny , now follow your Friend;
By Hook or by Crook I will compass my End.


29

J. Bull.
I like not the Man, who abroad was my Foe;
And Rebellions have been the sad Parents of Woe:

T. Paine.
Why, a MODERATE Man never fell in your Way;
I'm your Sort: follow me, and I'll win you the Day.

[_]

The Reader, who shall take the Trouble of collating this Book with the Original and of examining those Parts of the Scholia to which Reference is made, will we hope admit the Correspondence of the principal Parts of the Scene, and rejoice with us that the Πειθομαι, with which Plutus closes the Dialogue, is defective to the complete Coincidence.

FINIS.
 

No Doubts have been entertained either of Thomas Paine's Veracity or Loyalty since the Publication of his Book: Though he forgets, in announcing himself as Secretary for Foreign Affairs to Congress in the American War, to mention that he only held this Office under a Committee during TWO Years (after which he resigned)—“Omittance is no Quittance.”

This Metaphor did not escape the Observation of the Scholiast: Της ΣΥΜΦΟΡΑΣ ταυτης Γε παυσω, ης εχεις.Blinking differs from Blindness, as οφθαλμια (ητις και ιασιμος εστιν) from τυφλωσις.

i. e. Eyes anxious to “enjoy the Happiness of seeing the new world regenerate the old.”—Paine's Attachment to this Term, which he seems every where to consider as opposed to Degeneracy, appears from his frequent Use of it. Rights of Man , Part I. pp. 58, 62, 63, 81, 122, &c. 8th Edit.

Since Paine has “declared War against the whole Hell of Monarchy,” there can be no Impropriety in translating the Word Δαιμονων, which is descriptive of the English as Inhabitants of that Pandæmonium, D*v*ls.

The Greek Word τριωβολου expresses the Money paid for parliamentary Attendance: Hence we may infer the true Meaning of the Passage, that the K**g would be in a more wretched Situation than any Member of the Assemblée Nationale.

[The Artifice by which His M*****y is represented as a negative Character, reducing the Value of a Crown to less than Three Farthings, will not escape the Animadversion of the algebraical Reader.

Cantab.]

“The Wicked have only Accomplices; the Designing have Associates; Men of Business have Partners; Politicians form a factious Band; the Bulk of idle Men have Connections, and Princes have Courtiers: but virtuous Men alone have Friends.—Cethegus was Catiline's Accomplice; Mecœnas was Octavius' Courtier: but Cicero was Atticus' Friend.”— (Extr. from Sermons preached in K--- Abbey on Is. i. 23.)

Sir B. Boothby's Answer however to honest Thomas Paine abounds with Instances of this vulgar Appellation.

Vid. Declaration of the sacred Rights of Men and of Citizens, by the National Assembly of France, Art. iii.

“These natural, imperscriptible, and unalienable Rights, Liberty, Property, Security, and Resistance of Oppression” (Art. ii.) are violated by Arrest, Excise, (Othello's Occupation's gone!) Existence of Privileged Orders, and Public Prosecution for State Libels.

T. P.

Above Price must here allude, not to the Honesty of the Proprietors, but to the Value of the Property; for, whatever the Rights may be, Paine himself admits that the right Owner is not (like Pericles) Φιλοπολις τε και ΧΡΗΜΑΤΩΝ ΚΡΕΙΣΣΩΝ.

“Notwithstanding Appearances, there is not any Description of Men that despise Monarchy so much as Courtiers:” &c. Thus Paine EQUALIZES our Courtiers with the wisest Philosophers of Antiquity, who acquiesced in the Observance of Pagan Rites and Ceremonies on the same Principle; and, since Philosophy flourishes at Court, we may truly be said to have attained the Summit of National Felicity; tum demum enim Homines beatissimi agunt, cum aut Philosophi regnent aut Reges philosophentur!

It is hoped that the Reader will not omit to notice the Ingenuity with which “Apt Alliteration's artful Aid” (vid. also v. 52) is applied to support the Latitude of the Paraphrase in this Place: It is scarcely necessary to add, that Paine has a rooted Aversion to Oligarchy, Hierarchy, and “omne quod exit in Archy, præter Anarchy.”

ΑΝΑΡΧΙΑΣ δε μειζον ουκ εστιν κακον.

From the μονος of the Original, and Paine's Assertion that, “whilst the Nation is disposed to continue its present trinitarian Form of Government, the three Parts have a national Standing, independent of each other”—any one, who disputed that Writer's Consistency, might be led to suppose that (notwithstanding his Zeal for the Rights of the Nation) he addressed himself to one Part only, into which he seems to absorb the Rights of the other two.

“Omninò verò qui reip. præfuturi sunt, duo Platonis præcepta teneant: Unum, ut utilitatem Civium sic tueantur, ut quidquid agant ad eam referant, OBLITI COMMODORUM SUORUM; alterum, ut TOTUM corpus reip. curent, nè, dum PARTEM ALIQUAM tuentur, RELIQUAS deserant.—Qui enim parti civium consulunt, partem negligunt, rem perniciosissimam in civitatem inducunt, Seditionem atque Discordiam.”

Cic. de Off. i. 25.
It is not easy, I confess,
To baffle such a Plate of BRASS:
For, in my Days, I ne'er did hear
So impudent a Sophister.
C. Cotton's Scoffer scoff'd.

The Reader will observe the happy Ambiguity of this Passage, which may either mean that Mr. D--- governs, or is governed by, the Treasury: It not being however Paine's general Plan

—Spargere voces In Vulgum AMBIGUAS,

Some People have had the Ill-nature to interpret this μεση λεξις to his Disadvantage, as if he wished to reserve to himself the Power of Recantation; and his own Partizans cry out “Dispatch; this Knave's (corr. Slave's) Tongue begins to double.”— Shakesp. 2 Henry VI. 2. 3.—Others, in Consideration of his classical Style, with greater Candour refer the apparent Duplicity to an Imitation of Thucydides, “who has more Deviations than almost any other ancient Writer from what we should apprehend to be regular Syntax, such as the many elliptical, others pleonastic Expressions; Transitions from one Number to another; Substitutions of one Tense for another; Actives for Passives, and Passives for Actives;”—“His very Ambiguities add Lustre to the Composition; inasmuch as EACH of the Senses, which the Words are capable of bearing, are manifestly to the Purpose, and consequently MIGHT have been intended by the Writer.” (Bentham de Thucyd.)

The beautiful Anaphora of this Part of the Version, “For Money,” &c. deserves Notice.

In this Couplet there are great Variations: Those, who agree in retaining pray, differ on the Subject of the Petitions; and forgetting the “δια τουτον” of the Original, or conceiving it to be implied in the Change of Situation, for which their common Prayers are supposed to be directed to the Throne of Grace, by a bold Emendation read.

For Durham at London does B*rr*ngt*n pray;
For London his Namesake at Botany-Bay:—
Others, without disputing their Piety, observe that the formal Act of Praying is not very fashionable with either of those Classes (whom by a very illiberal Antithesis they denominate active and inactive Citizens) and therefore, in consideration of the close Residence of both at the Places to which they have been respectively transferred, for pray correct stay.

This Piece of University History is well known to J*hnians: A brief Account however is added in usum Tyronum. The Rev. Mr. C---, “a Gentleman by a thousand Pretensions, a Scholar, a Senior Fellow, a Dean, B. D.” with unexampled Generosity made it his Practice for several Years to furnish the newly-admitted Members of his own Society with Razors, and was seldom known to clog the Present with any other Obligation than the trifling Condition of paying Seven Shillings and Sixpence for a Strap!

CANTAB.

'Ουτω? γαρ ελεγον αυτον δια το ΠΛΕΙΟΝΙ ΔΥΝΑΜΕΙ ΧΡΗΣΘΑΙ” (Schol.)—Paine speaks of this Fascination, as of a Thing past, with great Exultation: He seems to treat the Royal Family of France with as much Asperity and Virulence, as if he had been a Custom-house Officer by their Appointment, and owed his Subsistence to their Favour: This Vox & præterea nihil,

------ qui nec reticere loquenti,
Nec prior ipse loqui potuit—
Ovid. (Vid. Pref. to Rights of Man , II. p. vii.) under the Pretext of answering Mr. Burke, misrepresents and traduces all that he has said—“Nihil tamen illum magis penetravit quam studia Burkii accensa in Antoniettam; cum decus Patriæ, SOROREM CÆSARUM, antiquitatis specimen appellaret, versusque ad cœlum ac Deos integram illi subolem ac superstitem iniquorum precaretur.” (Tac. Ann. iii. 4.)—To him the “bon jour” of M. Bailly, “Dies modò per silentium vastus, modò ploratibus inquies: plena Urbis Itinera, conlucentes per Campum Martis faces: Miles cum armis, sine insignibus Magistratus, Populus per tribus— clamitantes promptius apertiusque quàm ut meminisse IMPERITANTIUM crederes,” (Tac. ibid.) are congenial and grateful—

“He likes this Rocking of the Battlements:
—“Horrors are not unpleasing to him;
“They suit the gloomy Habit of his Soul.”
(Revenge.)

We are presented by Sir B. Boothby with very different Reflections: —“In the Contemplation of the despoiled and desolated Grandeur (of Versailles), its silent Halls and solitary State-Rooms, its dried-up Fountains and mouldering Sculptures, the Joys of Freedom will be suspended and absorbed in sad Reflections on the Vanity of human Greatness, and the Instability of human Institutions. —The Silence will be disturbed by Sounds of Triumph that are no longer heard, and the Solitude peopled with the brilliant Forms that shall no more glide over its polished Floors.”

Some read lewd (supposing mad to have crept in, by the Hallucination of the Transcriber, from the Repetition of the preceding Word made) as an Epithet more appropriate to this Mesalina of the North, and, without any personal Reference to Mr. W---h, quote Tacitus in Confirmation of this Conjecture—“Modestâ juventâ sed corpore insigni acciti ultrò, noctemque intra umam proturbati; paribus LASCIVIIS ad cupidinem & fastidia.” (Ann. xi. 36.) Others however, observing the few Instances of this Oscitancy, and the great Number and Variety of Figures occurring in the Original and Version, by a happier Correction read Maid κατ αντιφρασιν. With less Acuteness the same Critics reject both the Emendations of v. 34. in favour of prey, which they endeavour to justify by the same Figure.

Not such an one as that made use of by Alexander the Great to cut the Gordian Knot; but of that more peaceable and safer Kind which may be girt round an Ass (A. D. 1770–1783), and by which Philip disentangled the Intricacies of the Athenian Coalition and the Federation of Greece.

Money has long been considered as the most effective Agent in Wars of all Kinds—the Nervi Bellorum, εξ ων ιχυσειν ο πολεμος ημελλεν —and its decisive Influence is proverbially notorious;

Αργυρεα; λογχαισι μαχου και παντα κρατησεις.

The Variation,

“And Victory SITS ON the Treasury Board,”
seems at first Sight preferable, as implying a Vindication of those Characters, who stand aloof from the Weakness of personal Attachment and with an unvarying Consistency of Conduct adhere to the Vicarage of Bray: But it is rejected, as the other Reading admits the same Interpretation, on account of the Misapplication of the Metaphor included in επικαθεζη αι.

“If I were to precognize ‘Rights of Man’ in a few Words, I should say that it is the Work of a shrewd Empiric, written in a Kind of specious Jargon, well enough calculated to impose upon the Vulgar, but containing nothing new, or ingenious, or deserving of serious Attention. The great Secret of Quackery is to address the Passions of Men while they are made to believe that their Understandings only are engaged; to work upon their Hopes and Fears under the Mask of Reason. Religion and Politics and Medicine are abundant and never-failing Sources of empirical Frauds.—When a Mountebank comes to the Door of a sensible, discreet Housekeeper, he will say to him, ‘Friend, go about your Business, unless you have a Mind to be taken up as a Vagrant, and whipped and passed to your Parish: I and my Family are, thank God, in good Health; and, when any of us are ill, we will use such known and tried Remedies as the Physician shall prescribe. In the mean Time, take away your impudent lying Bills and Advertisements, designed to impose upon our Simplicity in an Art of which we are wholly ignorant, that you may pick our Pockets: You shall not fill our Heads with vain Fears and idle Apprehensions, that you may vend your poisonous Drugs, which, if we were Fools enough to take, might occasion real Maladies.”

Sir B. Boothby. Vid. it. A Word in Season to the Traders and Manufacturers of GREAT BRITAIN, p. 22.

Existing by Puffs, and designed to buoy up its Authors, “the Aëronauts” of England, in the popularis Aura; but, whether P--- or Pr*stl*y presides over the filling of this inflammable Balloon, let those to whose Guidance it is committed beware of the Tempest of National Resentment: The Atmosphere, into which they venture, is rendered dangerous by its Variableness and the quick Succession of its opposite Currents.

ANTI-P.

In the Δεσποτης of this Passage, and the αρχη of v. 56, implying jointly the Conversion of simple Despotism into the Πολυκοιρανιη of a Political Club, we see the Event of the French Revolution anticipated: Legion sways the Sceptre of that Kingdom; Πνευματα ΠΟΝΗΡΟΤΑΤΑ κατοικει εκει, και γινεται τα εσχατα εκεινου χειρονα των πρωτων. D. Luc. XI. 26.—The Philosophy of its Reformers “may be compared to those Caustics which are employed in the Treatment of Wounds to consume the fungous Excrescences that prevent the Granulation of new Flesh, but which, if allowed to go too far, corrode the sound Parts and eat through the Bone to the very Marrow. It began by refuting Error, but not stopping there, proceeded to attack Truth itself, and went on till it lost all Direction, and has found at last nothing whereon to rest.”

(Bayle Dict. Crit. Art. Acosta.)

The Words Republican and Constitution, in the Version, are better adapted to the declaratory Lines which attend them, than to the individual and private Character allotted to John Bull in this Dialogue.

“A Constitution, as the Word implies, means any Thing constituted of Parts making a Whole; as we say the Constitution of a Borough, or the Constitution of a Horse: When applied particularly to Government, it means the Aggregate of the Laws and Institutions and Establishments, whether they have ever been collected in a WRITTEN Code or not, by which the Country or Nation referred to is governed.” Sir B. Boothby.— By way of Illustration he adds, “Descartes says, ‘I think, therefore I am:’ England is governed by known and established Law, therefore it has a Constitution.”

These vulgar Phrases, Go it and I'm your Sort, v. 69. it is hoped will meet with Excuse, as characteristic of the Speaker: and on the same Principle the ingenious υστερον προτερον of this Line, by which Going is made “antecedent to” Seeing (as a Constitution is affirmed to be “a Thing antecedent to Government”) will be TOLERATED (si det usum mihi nominis hujus, i. e. if Paine TOLERATE the Term) and perhaps approved as very appropriate to a Puppy.

Of which Articles Royalty, v. 25. is to be divested.—The Machinations, by which the Monarchy of France has been disrobed of its Splendour, began in the personal Ridicule of Majesty. The Crimen impudicitiæ Adulterque were fabricated against the Queen, and of her Consort it was scandalously said by those, who are not at present ashamed of acting under the Auspices of the Royal Puppet, that “Umbraculis Hortorum abditus ut IGNAVA ANIMALIA, quibus si cibum suggeras jacent torpentque, præterita, instantia, futura pari oblivione dimiserat:” With greater Justice it might be pronounced of his Conduct in the Beginning of the present Disturbances that “Remedia malorum potius quàm mala differebat.”—MONITI CAVEANT!

“On the 8th of August 1764, he (Paine) was employed to watch the Sm*gglers of Alf*rd—whether his Practices had been misrepresented by Malice, or his Dishonesty had been detected by Watchfulness, Tradition has not told us: but it is certain that he was dismissed from his Office, on the 27th of August 1765.”

(Oldys, p. 14, &c.)

This Distribution of Property many are anxious to introduce: (vid. v. 50.)—Of one of them

Quem tulit ad SCENAM ventoso Gloria curru
the Reader will accept the following accurate Character from Tacitus: “Dux THEATRALIUM OPERARUM, procax linguâ, & miscere cœtus HISTRIONALI studio doctus;” (Ann. 1. 16.) Falsò autem LIBERTATIS vocabulum obtenditur ab iis, qui privatim degeneres, in publicum exitiosi, nihil spei nisi per DISCORDIAS habent.” (Ib. v. 17.) Of his dramatic Talents Fame does not permit us to doubt—Ah! si sic omnia—Fortunate had it been for his Character if he had confined his Ambition to the Plausus sui Theatri, without encountering the Angry Boy; to whom we may honestly apply Cicero's Character of Lucullus— “Incredibilis quædam Ingenii magnitudo non desideravit indocilem usûs disciplinam.”

“Put no Trust,” says Rousseau, “in those Cosmopolites, who seek for Duties at a Distance, while they neglect such as are their immediate Concern: a Philosopher of this Kind loves the Tartars by way of Excuse for hating his Neighbours.”

For this endearing and familiar Diminutive we are indebted to the celebrated Song in the Agreeable Surprise; the first Stanza of which is here presented in a correct State to the Reader:

When JOHNNY BULL goes o'er to France, (where his Constitution is seldom improved)
The Goslin you discover;
But, taught to ça ira to dance,
A FINISH'D Goose comes over.
For the Meaning of the Word FINISH'D consul. Lord C*rh*mp*t*n's Sp. on Slave-Trade.

“A Man may break into your House, ravish your Wife, and murder your Children, and all this with Moderation!” (Mr. F*X from the Translation of a Passage quoted by Middleton in his Life of Cicero).

So in Thucydides, lib. 1. § 5. καλως (as applied to Piracy) is explained by the Scholiast “αντι του ΕΥΣΕΒΩΣ και ΦΙΛΑΝΘΡΩΠΩΣ” from Suidas: The Characters of this Moderation are subjoined on the same Authority, which however do not authorize the Application of the Term to Slave-Stealing: Ουτε γαρ βουν αροτηρα ελεηλατουν, η ΕΚΛΕΠΤΟΝ ΝΥΚΤΟΣ, ουτε μετα ΦΟΝΩΝ εποιουν την ληστειαν. It is also interpreted in that Place by a French Translator avec une probité MODEREE.”

It is reported that Paine on hearing the News of the Proclamation exclaimed, “It does not signify a Rush; the Die is cast.”

(One of the Daily Papers.)