University of Virginia Library

SCENE, The tavern.
Enter Hazard, Acreless, Littlestock, Sellaway, and Drawer.
Haz.

More wine.

Acr.

Right, noble Hazard, here's to thee.

Haz.

Let it come, boy; fill it me steeple high, I am
in the vein of mirth, and I ha' cause, as you shall see in
due time, gentlemen. Mr. Littlestock, thou art dreaming
o'th' dice.

Sell.

He's melancholy.

Litt.

Who, I?

Haz.

I'll play the farrier then, and drench thee for the
sullens. A health to all our mistresses; we have had 'em
single, let's shuffle 'em now together. [Drinks.]
Come,
let us join a little music to our wine, and if his melancholy
stands 'em both, I'll lay all the money in my
pocket, which is no small sum, that he has a two-penny
cord about him, and will make use of it before to-morrow
morning.—Come, Tom, give us the gamester's apology,
and if these are only qualms of conscience, this song will
warm him like a dram.

SONG.

Haz.

'Tis joyous faith—I wonder Jack Wilding
stays.—He's come in the nick.

Enter Wilding.
Wild.

Save, save you, gallants; may a man come i'th'
rear.

Haz.

Give him his garnish.

Wild.

Y'are not prisoners for the reckoning, I hope.

Haz.

For the reck'ning! Now y'are all together, gentlemen,
I'll shew you a wonder—but come not too near;
keep out o'th' circle—whatsoever you think on't, this
is a hundred pound! Nay not so close; these pictures do
shew best at distance, gentlemen—You see it—Presto.

[Puts it up.
Wild.

Nay, let's see it again.

Haz.

Like to your cunning juggler, I ne'er shew my
trick but once; you may hear more hereafter; what
think you of this, Mr. Acreless, Mr. Littlestock, and Mr.
Sellaway?

Acr.

We do not believe 'tis gold.

Haz.

Perish then in your infidelity.

Wild.

Let me but touch it.

Haz.

It will endure, take my Word for it—look you,
for your satisfactions—no gloves off—you have devices to
defalk—preserve your talons, and your talents, 'till you
meet with more convenient gamesters.

Litt.
How cam'st by it?

Wild.
Thou'dst little or none this morning.

Haz.
I have bought it, gentlemen; and you in a mist,
Shall see what I paid for it. Thou hast not drank yet, Wilding,
Ne'er fear the reck'ning, man:—More wine, you varlets!

Wild.
But, hark thee, hark thee, Will, did'st win it?

Haz.
No; but I may lose it e'er I go to bed;
Do'st think't shall musty? what's a hundred pound?

Sel.
A miracle! but they are ceas'd with me.

Acr.
And me too. Come, let's drink.

Wild.
No matter how it came, Will: I congratulate
Thy fortune, and will quit thee now with good
News of myself. My cuz, I told thee of;
Is wheel'd about: she has took a ring of me;—
We kiss'd, and talk'd, time out o' mind.

Haz.
I know it;
My almanack says 'tis a good day to woo in;
Confirm'd by Erra Pater, that honest Jew too.
I'll pledge thee.

Enter Drawer.
Draw.

Mr. Hazard, there are two gentlemen below
enquire for you; and, Mr. Wilding, this note for you.

Wil.
For me?—

Haz.
What kind of men are they?

Draw.
One's somewhat ancient; I heard him call
The other nephew.

Wild.

Victoria! Victoria! Will, a summons from the
island of love—my wife's absent, and Pen and I shall toy
away an hour, without fear or molestation.

Haz.

Have a care, Jack; I love pleasure as well as thou;
but to obtain it at the expence of every virtue, is rather
paying too dear for it.

Wild.

What, a moralizing gamester! ha, ha, ha, 'tis envy,
Will, attacks thee in the shape of conscience: and was I like
the foolish dog in the fable, to catch at the shadow, and
drop my tit bit, thou wouldst be the first to snap it up—
but I have not time to laugh at thee—I must away—
the wench calls, and I must fly.

[Exit.
Haz.

This affair perplexes me—How little do we
know of women! had I had fortune enough to have ventur'd
upon marriage, I would have fixt upon this cousin
of his, preferable to the whole sex—but the devil is in
them, and will peep out one time or other—I don't
know why, but I am vex'd at this affair—I'll never go
to Wilding's house again.

Enter Drawer.
Draw.

Mr. Hazard, the gentlemen without are impatient
to see you.

Haz.

I beg their pardon, I had forgot 'em. I do caution
you, gentlemen, beforehand to be fair condition'd;
one of them, the nephew, is of a fiery constitution, and sensible
of any affront: let this character prepare him for
you.

Acr.

Bring him not hither.

Haz.

There is a necessity in it; I would not for a hundred
pound but entertain him, now he knows I am
here.

[Exit.
Sell.

Why must we keep company with his disagreeable
acquaintance?

Enter Hazard again; with Barnacle, his Nephew, and Dwindle.
Acr.
This is old Barnacle.

Lit.
And that's his nephew; I have been in his company.

Sell.
Is this the youth Hazard prepar'd us for?
How busy they are!

Haz.
You could not wish better opportunity:
These are all gentlemen of quality.
I'll call him coufin first, if it please you,
To endear him: to their acquaintance.

Bar.

I'll not be a witness of your passages myself;
these will report as much as I desire. Sir, if you be
beaten, I am satisfied.

Neph.
But d'ye hear, uncle, are you sure you have made
Your bargain wisely? they may cut my throat
When you are gone; and what are you the wiser?
Dwindle, be you close to me.

Haz.
I warrant you, we shall do things with discretion;
If he has but grace to look and talk courageously.

Bar.
He may be valiant for aught I know;
Howsoever this will be a secure way
To have him thought so, if he beat you soundly.

Neph.
I do not like the company;
But I have drank wine too, and that's the best on't;
We may quarrel on even terms. Look to't Dwindle.

Dwin.
Here's your safeguard.

[Shewing his stick.
Haz.
As I am a gentleman—be confident—
I'll wait on you down, sir.

Bar.
By no means; let him beat you to purpose, sir.

Haz.
Depend upon me.

Bar.

And when he has beat you, sir, I must beg another
favour.

Haz.

O, command me, sir.

Bar.

Courage, you know, not only keeps the men in
awe, but makes the women admire.

Haz.

What, must I pimp for your nephew too?

Haz.

Lack-a-day! no, no, no; tho' I'll let him have
his swing too—but I must marry him forthwith; and I
have one in my eye, that will fit him to a tittle.

Haz.

Who is the happy creature you have destin'd for
him?

Bar.

No less a jewel, I assure you, than your friend's
ward, Penelope; there's money and beauty enough! will
you put in a word for him?

Haz.

Both to the lady, and my friend, and immediately
too.

Bar.

Only to clear the way a little, Mr. Hazard; I
have a tongue myself, and can use it too, when once
it is set a going.

Haz.

I have heard of you at the hall.

Bar.

Nay, and my nephew can speech it too: ay, and
has your rappartees too, when he's a little in drink, and
he shan't want for that.

Haz.

You're in the right, master Barnacle, not to let
the hinges rust for want of a little oyling.

Bar.

I have another purse for you, if you'll introduce
us.

Haz.

I'll do it.

Bar.

But don't forget to be beaten tho'.

Haz.

Do you suspect my honor?

Bar.

I don't, I don't—Well, nephew, mind your
hits—Mr. Hazard, yours—I am full of joy!—and
nephew, draw blood, do you hear?

[Exit.
Neph.

Bye, nuncle.

Haz.

Come, sir; pray, gentlemen, bid my kinsman
welcome; a spark that will demand your friendship.

Sell.

His kinsman!—You are welcome.

Acr.

He has power to command your welcome.

Litt.

If I mistake not, I have had the happiness to
a'been in your company before now.

Neph.
Mine, sir?—d'ye hear, what if I quarrel'd
[Aside to Hazard.
With him first? 'twill prepare me the better.

Haz.
Do as you please; that's without my conditions.

Neph.
I'll but give him now and then a touch; I'll close
Well enough, I warrant you,—You been in my
Company, sir?

Litt.
Yes, and at the tavern.

Neph.
I paid the reck'ning then.

Litt.
You came into our room—

Neph.
Tell me of coming into your room!
I'll come again. You are a superfluous gentleman.

Litt.
How's this?

Haz.
Let him alone.

Litt.
Sir, remember yourself.

Neph.
I'll remember what I please, and forget what
I remember. Tell me of a reck'ning! what is't?
I'll pay't: no man shall make an ass of me,
Farther than I list. I care not a fiddle-stick
For any man's thund'ring: he that affronts
Me, is the son of a worm, and his father a whore.
I care not a straw, nor a broken point
For you. If any man dare drink to me,
I wo'nt go behind the door to pledge him.

Acr.
Why here's to you, sir.

Neph.
Why there's to you, sir.

Twit me with coming into a room! I could find in my
heart to throw a pottle-pot,—I name nobody—I will
kick any man down stairs, that cannot behave himself
like a gentleman. None but a slave would offer to pay
a reck'ning before me. Where's the drawer? there's a
piece at all adventures. He that is my friend, I care not
a rush; if any man be my enemy, he is an idle companion,
and I honor him with all my heart.

Sell.

This is a precious humour. Is he used to these
mistakes?

Litt.

Your kinsman gives you privilege.

Neph.

I desire no man's privilege: it skills not whether
I be kin to any man living.

Haz.

Nay, nay, cousin, pray let me persuade you.

Neph.

You persuade me! for what acquaintance? mind
your business, and speak with your taylor.

Haz.

An' you be thus rude—

Neph.

Rude, sir! what then, sir?—hold me, Dwindle.

Sell.

Nay, nay, Will, we bear with him for your sake:
He is your kinsman.

Haz.
I am calm again:
Cousin, I am sorry any person here
Hath given you offence.

Neph.
Perhaps, sir, you
Have given me offence. I do not fear you.
I have knock'd as round a fellow in my days.

Haz.
And may again—

Sell.

Be knock'd! A pox upon him: I know not what
to make of him.

Haz.
Let me speak a word in private, sir,

Neph.
I can be as private as you, sir.

Haz.
Strike me a box o'th' ear presently.

Neph.
There's my hand on't—

[Strikes him.
Sall.
Nay, nay, gentlemen—

Acr.
Mr. Hazard—

Neph.
Let him call me to account: the reck'ning's paid.
Come, Dwindle—Veni, vidi, vici. Huzza!

[Exit.
Sell.
The fellow's mad: does he often mistake thus?

Haz.

His courage is a little hard mouth'd, it runs
away with him now and then; we must exchange a thrust
or two; after bleeding he'll be cool.

Sell.

The youth has a mind to shew himself; he is just
launch'd into life.

Litt.

He'll be soon launch'd out of it agen, if he goes
on in this way.

Haz.

Prithee let's have no more of him; I shall undertake
to cure his fever—But, harkee, friends, shall we
meet at the old place this evening?

Sell.

By all means, there will be deep play, I hear—
my water mark is but low; but I'll go as deep as I can.
Will not Wilding be of our party too?

Haz.

No, no; he has a love-matter upon his hands.

Sell.

A love-matter! let him but hear the rattling of
the dice, and it will bring him from the arms of the finest
woman in the kingdom.

Haz.

Pooh, pooh! you carry this too far.

Sell.

I know him in this particular better than you Hazard
—when he is in the circle of the gaming-table, 'tis
all magic, he has not power to move; and I challenge
the devil to bait his hook with a stronger temptation to
draw him out of it—besides, among ourselves, what was
once with him occasional pleasure, is now become a necessary
occupation: Jack Wilding has made a large gap
in the widow's jointure.

Haz.

Pshaw! rot your gossiping, don't abuse the generous

wine you: have been drinking, by mixing such
scandal as this with it—stay till you get with your mistresses
over their ratasia, and when you're maulding open
the sluices of slander;—However we'll try the experiment;
I'll meet you in the evening, and we'll write to
him from the field of battle, and see to which his courage
most inclines:

From love to gaming we'll his heart entice,
But woman will prevail,—

Sell.
—I say the dice.