University of Virginia Library

The Author's Account of his Poem.

And First he vowes, 'tis not his glory,
T'impose on this or that mans story.
He disimbarkes at no false shores,
Nor layes his Infants at wrong dores.
But is assur'd if you proceed,
The Fathers wont renounce their breed.
Next for beleife he tells you that,
No Mandevile, nor Coriat
Is cited here, here no man knowes
The Stories by their Authors Toes:
Nor can descry which was found out,
By him with sockes, or him without.
There's none among them were such Jewes,
To vex and persecute Old Shooes:
And leave their Fame, but carelesse whether
In Brasse or Monumentall leather.
All serious writers, these (nay bolder)
Scarce any but was staid House holder:
And in most parts of Christian Ground.
Their words would passe for forty pound.
Yet let not trust too forward be,
Lest you beleive them more then He.
Where he devotes it, he aimes he saith,
At Recreation, more then faith.

The Argument of the Poem.

Prodigious Eares, first wonder tells.
The Next, who under Water dwells.
The Third, who Fast: The fourth indites
The Gyants strange Hermaphrodites.
Fifth treats of those whose two Armes lyes
In their Right side. Next, whose in Thighes.
Seaventh, Eyes excesse, but Feets defects.
Eighth, those whose Foot their face protects.
Ninth Camel-backs. Tenth, Face in Breast.
Leventh, Dog-face; Twelfth, with Three Beards prest.
Next, Folke with Tailes, Then Amazons.
Then He who Youth so often dons.
Then Fountaine Lad; Then Craves beleife
Who Feedes on Men, as we on Beefe.
To these Great Legge, And then the Dame,
Of Arepine, that is borne lame.
Twentieth, Two Tongues: Next, Pigmies aske it,
And then Will: Baker pinnes the Basket.

MEN-MIRACLES.

A POEM.

First Miracle.

Ye Mortalls (if beleife be in yee)
Come see confirm'd what's said by Pliny;
And first (for feare ye should mistake a)
Give eare unto Antoaius Daca.
With whom consents (to bring the Rime on)
A Trusty Author, Petrus Simon.
These two are back'd (in spight of Praters)
By ours and Hollands Navigators.
Now these avouch, that India beares,
Men of so vast prodigious Eares,
That sundry of them may be found,
Whose hearing-Organs sweepe the ground.
And each of these perhaps presumes,
By length of Eares to save his broomes.
Sure 'tis an uncouth sight to see some,
That sweepe their Hall without a Beesome.
Besides their Eares, as they relate,
Are of that breadth, from foote to pate,
That under each (and none descry)
Six men may (like six Eare-wiggs) lye.
'Tis pretty faire when Eares are found,
That conceale men, as ours doe sound.
Our Eares (alas) take but mens speeches,
But these take men, doublet and breeches.
The Round-head when his Eares he sees
Finds he is but an Asse to these.

Second Miracle.

But passe on Pilgrim, till thou viewst,
An Island called Honopeust.
The Mortalls there ('tis truth is sed)
Make one great Lake their Common bed:
Under whose waters they sleepe sound,
As we doe here above the ground.
They've a fine time on't, in all weather,
Mud is their downe-bed, and their Feather.
No Summer-bites these knaves abide:
Lesse Eeles and Carpes doe pinch their side.
A goodly sort of people these,
To whom the Fishes are the fleas.
A stranger wonder ne're was found,
To these to sleepe, is to be drown'd.

Third Miracle.

Art hungry Hermit? preethy tarry,
Here's the Camelion's ordinary.
See here a kinde of people haunt,
Who sundry parts of body want.
To this they doe sustaine their powers,
By th'sent of fruits, of hearbes, and Flowers.
Gregorius Garza found this too,
In divers people at Peru.
At feasts invite, (an Age scarce heard in)
These not to house, but unto Garden,
Their pallats have unheard of forces,
Our Nose-gayes are their second Courses.
No Cookes among these men are boasted,
Their Dinner growes, yes ready roasted.

Fourth Miracle.

Next Story Peter Simon ga't us,
Of John Alvarez Maldonatus.
Who passing once to New found Land,
Penny in pouch, and Sword in hand,
Did Gyants view, oft (at his leisure)
'Bout five Ells long, (yes London measure)
And one of them in humane view,
Did bravely combat, bravely slew
The Gyant (faith his Comrade Daniel)
Had face much like to Dog (call'd Spaniel.)
As he lay gasping on the hill,
His nose it was a beake (or bill)
And for his Sex, it was in sight,
Hæc Aquila, Hermaphrodite:
Now (Sirs) I grant the Pagan Poet,
Of huge Prometheus speakes, you know it,
For whose vast bulke he nothing staggers,
To say 'tis spread o're many Acres.
But know, we onely bring before yee,
A Christian writer's Gyant-story:
His ribs more wide then hoopes to ferkin,
(What Cloth must goe to make his Jerkin?)
Dogs looke, Birds beake in's face, you'l say,
Both Setting dogge, and Partridge lay.
If so, the Gyants was ill case,
Because his Nose did feare his Face.
Had that bill wings, there's none but spies,
His nose had flew away with's eyes.
And then the Dog-face left behind,
Had beene destroy'd whiles it was blind,
But John Alvarez, did not he
Kill sucking Gyants e're they see.
Nor that he slew must it be told,
A Gyant-whelpe e're nine dayes old:
'Twas-full growne Monster this, and vexes,
That Maldonatus slew both sexes.
It greives him most, in his owne life
To loose both th' Husband and the Wife.
For bulke he might be many dozens
Of Husbands, Wives, Sonnes, Daughters, Cozens.

Fifth Miracle.

As strange and Monstrous knaves as these,
Are those of whom Lycosthenes.
In each of them there is espied,
Two Armes, two hands in their right side.
Whose wives (without or wit or feare)
Doe bring forth Children twice a yeare,
Should I such a strange wonder see,
I should not thinke him man but tree.
And for his two right Armes, I vow,
Tis not a double Limbe, but bough.
Spread-Eagle fist when first he heaves,
His fingers-sprigs, his nailes seeme leaves.
Freind, I should say, I preethy hearke,
Lets feele, why sure thy skin is barke:
Thy veines convey thee Sap, not bloud.
Say dost thou not each Summer bud?
And (like Third Richard) cause not warme,
In winter hast no wither'd Arme?
Thy Children too are Garden-drafts,
They're not thy issue, but thy Grafts.

Sixth Miracle.

Seaventh Miracle.

Arabia (Author mine supposes)
Yeilds men with three Eyes, besides Noses.
Suppose Eyes dimme, as Mares in Flaunders.
Suppose their Noses have the Glaunders,
They'l be perplext, past all beleifes,
For Spectacles and Handchercheifes.
These men too, (yee may call them yeomen)
Have bigger breasts farre, then our women.
Then for their feet, they have no Toes,
(That saves two inches in their shooes)
They fight, and strive, from morne to Even,
(Yet sure they're not to foot-ball given.)

Eighth Miracle.

In AEthiopia, 'bout the West,
Are men with handsome feature blest.
Their fault is nearest ground, at Roote
They've but one Thigh, and but one Foot.
(Sure one of these to save his Mother
Can't set one leg before the other)
But then this foot's so broad, the Urchin,
By its shade is kept from scorching,
With Foot held up, on backe he lies,
The Sun (and all his workes) defies.
His Trade's a Jeweller, though rude,
His Gemmes Armenians buy for food.
To live two hundred yeares he's knowne,
(His Age hath two leggs, he but one)
His Wife with Child, from husband flies,
Nor knowes his bed for all his cries.
Themselves are wonders, but in sooth,
This is more wonder then they both.

Ninth Miracle.

In Ægypts Alpes, their hands, feet, face,
Proclaime the people humane race.
Their breasts are long, but then their backes
Are like to Camels, borne with packes.
Women (with Childe) upon our shore
Are Camels, too but 'tis before.

Tenth Miracle.

The vales of Tartary men live in,
Whose heads, are wondrous like a Griphin,
And what is strange as all the rest,
Eyes they have seated in their breast.
Not farre from these the Monster flings,
A paire of different colour'd wings,
And yet they fly for all wings use,
As heavy as a powder'd Goose,
Be Griphin Sire, but Eyes and Nose
In breast a Thornebacke-Damme disclose,
And then the wings shew in a word,
They part are fish, and part are bird.
But slow flight shewes theyre, without erring,
Nor Fish, nor Fowle, nor good Red Herring.

Eleventh Miracle.

The Lusitanian King of late
Found Nation out where Curre is pate,
Their middle part is man, their thighes
Are horse, their hoofe divided lyes.
Their Language Mumme, for Reader harke,
Truth is they doe not speake, but barke.
They skirmish oft, their Captives eate,
Else other creatures are their meate.
Were these in England we should thence,
Be puzled for their difference,
And them be forc'd at length to call
Not Tom and Dick, but Tosse and Ball.
No Trades or Arts they ere would prove;
Unlesse hunt Ducke, or fetch a glove.
Their logding (alls one) eight or ten Ell,
For their Bed-chamber is their Kennell.
But then their wives there's nought more puzzles,
Our womens mufflers are their Muzzles.
But out alas, what mighty stirre,
Would be for an Interpreter.
They must be pleasd, for if feud growes
Masters and Freinds they eate for Foes.
And stranger diet ne're was knowne,
When Master's to his dogge a bone.

Twelfth Miracle.

And now of Regions we sing,
Where Tamberlaine of old was King,
In upper parts, though men they be,
Yet still Three beards on Chin we see.
Our Barbers count it a strange Crime,
To use three Razors at one time.
Suppose we call'd to wash the face once,
Freind bring three balls, a gleeke of Basons,
As for this beard, clip him no more,
On, to my nether lippe afore,
Till thou lop of, (my nose hath aches)
The Tufts of my North East Mustaches.
'Tis well, produce thy Mirror, I'le not passe,
Till't be a Multiplying Glasse.
Say would not this make Barber sullen,
To see one like Three Kings of Cullen.
Such face in Glasse was never limmed,
Unlesse when Cerberus was Trimmed.

Thirteenth Miracle.

Thus much Lycosthenes doth tell us,
Lycosthenes, and other fellowes,
But they goe on as not afear'd,
To call those men, that seeme a Heard.

Fourteenth Miracle.

As those with Tales, and those with throats,
Are as well-bearded as our Goates.

Fifteenth Miracle.

And then to Amazons they call ye,
Confirmed by Sir Walter Raleigh.

Sixteenth Miracle.

And then to him, who try'd by's Peeres,
Prov'd he had liv'd foure hundred yeares.
Oft did his Lockes from hoare white passe
To blacke, his haire's Pythagoras)
One hundred he did Jove adore,
Then liv'd a Turke three hundred more,
So from the Sultan pension get,
(And like enough he keepes it yet.)

Seaventeenth Miracle.

To this an Indian old they adde,
Who liv'd and liv'd, as he were madde;
For now declining from a Mountaine,
He leapt (they say) into a Fountaine,
Then don'd his Clothes, and bout to bind him,
Found he had left his Age behind him,
He doft his Clothes, and leapt forsooth,
Both into Poole and into Youth.

Eighteenth Miracle.

And after these they tell agen,
Of those that use to feed on men,
And often buy at Butchers Portall,
Not legge of Beefe, but legge of Mortall.
But some of these we met before,
And therefore need relate no more.
Indeed some not, but since so much
Already's said, we need but touch.

Nineteenth Miracle.

Besides there lives upon a high land,
In Towne within Saint Thomas Island.
Who from that Towne, mine Author sayes,
Receive their names the Penecays.
From old to young, from bird to Egge,
They have a Bag-pipe in their legge.
A sluggish Tumour 'bout their bones,
That Bag pipe makes the people Drones.
Of this disease, when folke you view sicke,
Know 'tis a kinde of Dropsie-Musicke.

Twentieth Miracle.

And neere the same Celestian Line,
The Gossips live, calld Arupine.
Nature to them is much the same,
They for the most part are borne lame.
Both these may Nature justly call,
Her miracle and Hospitall.
Of them to speake, let no man urge on,
Lesse we could send them a Chirurgeon.

One and twentieth Miracle.

These kinde of wonders here had slept,
But in by chance another crept.
Just as I meant to say no more,
Came Bohem out of Diodore,
Who much protests he tels ye no lye,
From those in Island Jamboli.
There the inhabitants (quoth he)
Are bulke and manners much like we,
Shape same, but height it is encreas'd
'Bove ours foure Cubits at the least.
Their bone (to say he doth not swerve)
Is just as supple as our Nerve.
And hence like Trees, before, behind,
They bend and yeild to Aire and wind,
Quicke joints, and all about smooth skin,
No haire appeares above their Chin.
But greatest wonder that hath sprung,
Is that of this strange Nations Tongue.
Which parted is to all mens view,
And from the Root compleatly two.
By which they have not onely force,
To use a Numerous discourse;
But seeme at once ('tis wondrous pretty)
Like severall Birds, and sing their Ditty.
But that's not all, they will agen
Debate and argue with two men;
And at one instant they can fly,
To urge their owne sence, and Reply,
This part conferres with one, while t'other,
Is warme and earnest with another.

Two and Twentieth Miracle. Of Pigmies.