University of Virginia Library

5. V.

ON my return from my trip to North Karliny ther
wuz an immejit and irrepressible desire on the
part uv the Trustees uv the Institoot, to hev a statement
from me uv the results of the trip. Much hed
bin expectid from the vencher, and the expectashuns
uv the Trustees wuz riz to a pitch from wich I felt
it wuz crooil to hurl em. Therefore I dodged em,
until finally, bein badgered, I thort I wood end it.
Hevin prepared the dockyments, I named the Post
Offis ez the place, and the mornin uv the 1st instant
ez the time to make an exhibit uv the receets and
expenditoors uv the trip. Deekin Pogram, Colonel
McPelter, and Elder Slathers were promptly on
hand, and so wuz I, with the statement, wich I red
to em ez follows: —

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Professor uv Biblikle Politicks,
in account with the Southern Classikle and Military
Institoot Fund:

               

	Dr.
To cash uv Kernel Abslum Podgers, for self	$200 00
To cash uv Kernel Abslum Podgers, for wife	100 00
To cash uv Square Davis, proceeds uv the sale uv one nigger boy Jim, convicted uv steelin a red herrin, generously donated	50 00
To cash uv Major Galbreth, bein all he hed left after gettin a pardon from the President through Mrs. Cobb	1 00
To cash uv John Kessick, who encourages the Institoot, intendin to come here to start a grocery, ez soon ez it gits fairly a goin	10 00
To cash uv divers and sundry persons	20 00
Grand totle	$381 00

                             

	Cr.
By ralerode fare, the conductors unanimously refoosin to ded hed me either in my clericle, offishel or benevolent character	$30 00
By refreshments, and meal after refreshments	90
By more refreshments	15
By bottle uv refreshments to use on cars	1 50
By refreshments at station	15
By refreshments at various places	60 00
By board at Rawley	60 00
By refreshments at Rawley, wich comes high, bein 25 cts. strate	70 00
By livery hire in that vicinity	90 00
By refreshments for self and driver, includin broken axels and sich	25 00
By meals for self and driver	3 00
By fare back home, wich cost more owin to my comin a round about way	50 00
Grand totle	$390 70
Leavin a balance in my favor of $9 30.

The brethren wuz somewat disappointed at the
result, and Bascom intimated that he bleeved it
wuz a d—d swindle; but I withered him with a
glance. I showed Deekin Pogram that it wuz not
only reglar, but that it hed the stamp uv the Post
Offis onto it, wich silenced all cavil. I asshoored
em that that little balance needn't trouble em — I
did not intend to make an assessment onto em, but
that I cood wait until the treasury wuz in funds.

“But,” sed Bascom, “when in thunder will the
treasury ever be in funds, ef all the expedishuns
result like this one?”

I explained to the obtoose man that it wuz all
rite; that in most uv sich enterprises the expenses
eat up the collekshuns, but that it wuz seed sown.
“We must,” sez I, “raise the wind from the North,
and to do it, let us show that suthin hez bin dun.”

“Wat kin we do?” sed Bascom.

“Lay the corner stun uv the Institoot?” sez I.
“On the square fornist us is the corner stun uv the
nigger church we burnt a month or so ago, ready to
our hand. Let us organize a percession and do it
to-day, that we may publish to the world that the
work is commenced, that our friends may shell out
libreller than they hev.”

The idea wuz considered good, and forthwith it

wuz actid upon. The stone wuz conveyed to the
feeld onto wich the Institoot is to be built, and a
cavity wuz hollered out into it.

At 4 P. M. (wich is in the afternoon) a percession
wuz formed, headed by the Trustees, and we marched
out to the feeld. Into the cavity in the stun wuz
deposited, with approprit ceremonies, the followin
articles: —

A copy uv the Constooshen uv the Confedrit
States uv America.

A copy uv the message uv Androo Johnson vetoin
the Freedmen's Buro Bill.

A copy uv the 22d uv Febrooary speech.

Portrates uv the Trustees.

A copy uv the veto uv the Civil Rites Bill.

A pair uv handcuffs.

Portrates uv President Johnson and Secretary
Seward.

A nigger whip.

A $5 greenback contribbited for the purpose by
Elder Pennibacker.

A pint bottle uv wisky, seeled, contribbited by
Bascom.

Then the stun wuz placed in posishen; a nigger
wuz tied to it and flogged, his blood bedoozlin it,
and after a few feelin remarks by myself, in wich

I stated that this wuz a grate day for the Corners,
and that posterity wood bless us for the work we
hed that day done, the crowd dispersed, the Trustees
goin back to my offis to draw up a statement
uv the ceremonies, and an appele to the northern
Dimocrisy for aid.

The nigger wich we whipt at the corner stun wuz
shot in a dispoot by Capt. McPelter, wich circumstances
greatly annoyed Deekin Pogram, ez it wus
a nigger wich wuz formerly hizzen. He remonstrated
with the Captain angrily, and ashoord him
that ez soon ez the Soopreme Court hed declared
the Amendment abolishin slavery unconstooshnel,
he shood sue him for his value. With this triflin
excepshun, the affair passed off ez pleasantly ez
cood be wished. I remonstrated with both uv em
for quarrelin, on sich a occasion, over so small a
matter ez the shootin uv a nigger, and they finally
settled it without hard feelins. How sweet is peace
and friendliness atween man and man! How blessid
is the offis uv a peace maker! The captain acknowledged
he wuz wrong, and stood the drinks for the
crowd.

That nite about 9 P. M., I wuz a sittin in my offis
a musin onto the evence uv the day, and wonderin
whether the Dimocrisy wood give down, it okkured

to me that there wuz a pint bottle uv first-class corn
wisky, and $5 in currency agoin to waste in that
stun.

“Wat'll posterity ever know uv us?” thot I to
myself. “Ef posterity does ever overturn that stun,
won't she git jest ez good an idea uv who we wuz
from the other articles? Ef posterity ever reads the
speeches uv His Eggslency, and the messages wich
we hev placed there, won't the wisky be inferred?
Ef it ain't, posterity is a consumate ass;” and thus
musin, I wended my way thitherward, determined
to reskoo these two articles from oblivion any how.

It wuz pitch dark, but I knew the way. Creepin
cautiously up to the stun, I reached out; and horror!
Ther wuz another hand onto it! Strikin a match
quickly, there stood reveeled afore me the forms uv
Deekin Pogram, Bascom, and Elder Slathers, to
whom the same thot hed occurred wich moved me.
But my presence uv mind did not forsake me.
Strikin another match, I assoomed a look uv virchus
indignashen, wich they all saw afore it went out, and
reproacht em fur ther worldly-mindednis. How cood
they expect the Institoot to prosper when those into
whose hands its interests wuz confided, proves recreant
to the extent uv steeling the sacred mementoes
wich were to-day enclosed. “Go home,” sed

I; “I forgive you this time, and will not expose yoo
ez yoo deserve. I spected yoo all, from the way yoo
eyed the bottle and the greenback, and hastened
hither to protect em. Go!”

And they went; after wich I tipped over the stun
and sekoored the prize.

The next mornin they all reproached me with
hevin stolen the articles, in privit, wich satisfied me
that all uv em hed gone back for the plunder after
they thot I'd gone; but they didn't make no fuss
about it. They are all good men; but alas! sich
is the depravity uv human nacher that they'll bear
watchin.

I await with anxiety the result uv our appeal to
the Northern Democrisy. Ef they fail us ez shamefully
ez they did durin the war, it is all up with us.