TAMPA — May 14, 1898.
[DEAR CHAS.]
On reflection I am greatly troubled that I declined the
captaincy. It is unfortunate that I had not time to consider
it. We shall not have another war and I can always be a war
correspondent in other countries but never again have a chance
to serve in my own. The people here think it was the right
thing to do but the outside people won't. Not that I care
about that, but I think I was weak not to chance it. I don't
know exactly what I ought to do. When I see all these kid
militia men enlisted it makes me feel like the devil. I've no
doubt many of them look upon it as a sort of a holiday and an
outing and like it for the excitement, but it would bore me to
death. The whole thing would bore me if I thought I had to
keep at it for a year or more. That is the fault of my having
had too much excitement and freedom. It spoils me to make
sacrifices that other men can make. Whichever way it comes
out I shall be sorry and feel I did not do the right thing.
Lying around this hotel is enough to demoralize anybody. We
are much more out of it than you are, and one gets cynical and
loses interest. On the other hand I would be miserable to go
back and have done nothing. It is a question of character
entirely and I don't feel I've played the part at all. It's
all very well to say you are doing more by writing, but are
you? It's an easy game to look on and pat the other chaps on
the back with a few paragraphs, that is cheap patriotism.
They're
taking chances and you're not and when the war's over they'll
be happy and I won't. The man that enlists or volunteers even
if he doesn't get further than Chickamauga or Gretna Green and
the man who doesn't enlist at all but minds his own business
is much better off than I will be writing about what other men
do and not doing it myself, especially as I had a chance of a
life time, and declined it. I'll always feel I lost in
character by not sticking to it whether I had to go to Arizona
or Governor's Island. I was unfortunate in having Lee and
Remington to advise me. We talked for two hours in Fred's
bedroom and they were both dead against it and Lee composed my
telegram to the president. Now, I feel sure I did wrong.
Shafter did not care and the other officers were delighted and
said it was very honorable and manly giving me credit for
motives I didn't have. I just didn't think it was good enough
although I wanted it too and I missed something I can never
get again. I am very sad about it. I know all the arguments
for not taking it but as a matter of fact I should have done
so. I would have made a good aide, and had I got a chance I
certainly would have won out and been promoted. That there
are fools appointed with me is no answer. I wouldn't have
stayed in their class long.
DICK.
