University of Virginia Library

Act I, Scene iv

BOBADILL is discovered lying on his bench
BOBADILL

Hostess, hostess.

[Enter TIB]

TIB

What say you, sir?

BOBADILL

A cup o' thy small beer, sweet hostess.

TIB

Sir, there's a gentleman, below, would speak with you.

BOBADILL

A gentleman! 'Odso, I am not within.

TIB

My husband told him you were, sir.

BOBADILL

What a plague what meant he?

MATTHEW

[Below] Captain Bobadill?

BOBADILL

Who's there? (Take away the basin, good hostess.) Come up, sir.

TIB

He would desire you to come up, sir.

[Enter MATTHEW]

You come into a cleanly house, here. [Exit]

MATTHEW

'Save you, sir. 'Save you, Captain.

BOBADILL

Gentle Master Matthew! Is it you, sir? Please you sit down.

MATTHEW

Thank you, good Captain; you may see, I am somewhat audacious.

BOBADILL

Not so, sir. I was requested to supper last night by a sort of gallants, where you were wished for, and drunk to, I assure you.

MATTHEW

Vouchsafe me, by whom, good Captain.

BOBADILL

Marry, by young Wellbred, and others. Why, hostess, a stool here, for this gentleman.

MATTHEW

No haste, sir, 'tis very well.

BOBADILL

Body of me! It was so late ere we parted last night, I can scarce open my eyes, yet; I was but new risen, as you came. How passes the day abroad, sir? You can tell.

MATTHEW

Faith, some half hour to seven. Now, trust me, you have an exceeding fine lodging here, very neat, and private!

BOBADILL

Aye, sir; sit down, I pray you. Master Matthew, in any case, possess no gentleman of our acquaintance with notice of my lodging.

MATTHEW

Who? I sir? No.

BOBADILL

Not that I need to care who know it, for the cabin is convenient, but in regard I would not be too popular, and generally visited, as some are.

MATTHEW

True, Captain, I conceive you.

BOBADILL

For, do you see, sir, by the heart of valour in me-except it be to some peculiar and choice spirits, to whom I am extraordinarily engaged, as yourself, or so-I could not extend thus far.

MATTHEW

Oh Lord, sir, I resolve so.

BOBADILL

I confess, I love a cleanly and quiet privacy, above all the tumult and roar of fortune. What new book ha' you there? What! 'Go by, Hieronymo'?

MATTHEW

Aye, did you ever see it acted? Is't not well penned?

BOBADILL

Well penned? I would fain see all the poets of these times pen such another play as that was! They'll prate and swagger, and keep a stir of art and devices, when (as I am a gentleman) read 'em, they are the most shallow, pitiful, barren fellows that live upon the face of the earth, again!

MATTHEW

Indeed, here are a number of fine speeches in this book! 'Oh eyes, no eyes, but fountains fraught with tears'! There's a conceit! 'Fountains fraught with tears'! 'O life, no life, but lively form of death'! Another! 'Oh world, no world, but mass of public wrongs'! A third! 'Confused and filled with murder and misdeeds'! A fourth! Oh, the Muses! Is't not excellent? Is't not simply the best that ever you heard, Captain? Ha? How do you like it?

BOBADILL

'Tis good.

MATTHEW
[Reads]
'To thee, the purest object to my sense,
The most refind essence heaven covers,
Send I these lines, wherein I do commence
The happy state of turtle-billing lovers.
If they prove rough, unpolished, harsh and rude,
Haste made the waste. Thus, mildly, I conclude.'
BOBADILL is making him ready all this while

BOBADILL

Nay, proceed, proceed. Where's this?

MATTHEW

This, sir? A toy o' mine own, in my nonage: the infancy of my Muses! But when will you come and see my study? Good faith, I can show you some very good things I have done of late. That boot becomes your leg passing well, Captain, methinks!

BOBADILL

So, so; it's the fashion gentlemen now use.

MATTHEW

Troth, Captain, an' now you speak o' the fashion, Master Wellbred's elder brother and I are fall'n out exceedingly. This other day, I happened to enter into some discourse of a hanger, which I assure you, both for fashion and workmanship, was most peremptory-beautiful, and gentleman-like! Yet he condemned and cried it down for the most pied and ridiculous that ever he saw.

BOBADILL

Squire Downright? The half-brother? Was't not?

MATTHEW

Aye, sir, he.

BOBADILL

Hang him, rook, he! Why, he has no more judgement than a malt-horse. By St. George, I wonder you'd lose a thought upon such an animal: the most peremptory-absurd clown of Christendom, this day, he is holden. I protest to you, as I am a gentleman and a soldier, I ne'er changed words with his like. By his discourse, he should eat nothing but hay. He was born for the manger, pannier, or pack-saddle! He has not so much as a good phrase in his belly, but all old iron and rusty proverbs! A good commodity for some smith, to make hobnails of.

MATTHEW

Aye, and he thinks to carry it away with his manhood still, where he comes. He brags he will gi' me the bastinado, as I hear.

BOBADILL

How! He the bastinado! How came he by that word, trow?

MATTHEW

Nay, indeed, he said cudgel me; I termed it so for my more grace.

BOBADILL

That may be: for I was sure, it was none of his word. But, when? When said he so?

MATTHEW

Faith, yesterday, they say: a young gallant, a friend of mine told me so.

BOBADILL

By the foot of Pharaoh, an' 'twere my case now, I should send him a chartel, presently. The bastinado! A most proper, and sufficient dependence, warranted by the great Caranza. Come hither. You shall chartel him. I'll show you a trick or two you shall kill him with, at pleasure: the first stoccata, if you will, by this air.

MATTHEW

Indeed, you have absolute knowledge i' the mystery, I have heard, sir.

BOBADILL

Of whom? Of whom ha' you heard it, I beseech you?

MATTHEW

Troth, I have heard it spoken of divers, that you have very rare, and un-in-one-breath-utterable skill, sir.

BOBADILL

By heaven, no, not I; no skill i' the earth: some small rudiments i' the science, as to know my time, distance, or so. I have professed it more for noblemen and gentlemen's use than mine own practice, I assure you. Hostess, accommodate us with another bed-staff here, quickly.

[Enter TIB]

Lend us another bed-staff.

[Exit TIB]

The woman does not understand the words of action. Look you, sir. Exalt not your point above this state, at any hand, and let your poniard maintain your defence, thus.

[Enter TIB with bed-staff]

Give it to the gentleman, and leave us.

[Exit TIB]

So, sir. Come on. Oh, twine your body more about, that you may fall to a more sweet comely gentleman-like guard. So, indifferent. Hollow your body more sir, thus. Now, stand fast o' your left leg, note your distance, keep your due proportion of time oh, you disorder your point most irregularly!

MATTHEW

How is the bearing of it now, sir?

BOBADILL

Oh, out of measure ill! A well-experienced hand would pass upon you, at pleasure.

MATTHEW

How mean you, sir, pass upon me?

BOBADILL

Why, thus, sir (make a thrust at me), come in upon the answer, control your point, and make a full career at the body. The best-practiced gallants of the time, name it the passada: a most desperate thrust, believe it!

MATTHEW

Well, come, sir.

BOBADILL

Why, you do not manage your weapon with any facility or grace to invite me: I have no spirit to play with you. Your dearth of judgement renders you tedious.

MATTHEW

But one venue, sir.

BOBADILL

Venue! Fie. Most gross denomination, as ever I heard. Oh, the stoccata, while you live, sir. Note that. Come, put on your cloak, and we'll go to some private place where you are acquainted, some tavern or so -and have a bit -I'll send for one of these fencers, and he shall breathe you, by my direction; and then I will teach you your trick. You shall kill him with it, at the first, if you please. Why, I will learn you, by the true judgement of the eye, hand, and foot, to control any enemy's point i' the world. Should your adversary confront you with a pistol, 'twere nothing, by this hand, you should, by the same rule, control his bullet, in a line; except it were hail-shot, and spread. What money ha' you about you, Master Matthew?

MATTHEW

Faith, I ha' not past a two shillings, or so.

BOBADILL

'Tis somewhat with the least; but, come. We will have a bunch of radish and salt, to taste our wine; and a pipe of tobacco, to close the orifice of the stomach; and then we'll call upon young Wellbred. Perhaps we shall meet the Corydon, his brother, there, and put him to the question.

[Exeunt]