University of Virginia Library

SCENE I.

The Street.
Fabian comes in before Frederick and Jaqueline.
Fab.

Such an unlucky Accident! such a Misfortune!

Fred.

What is't, Fabian?

Fab.

A catching distemper; 'twill infect every
body that comes near me: The Tokens will
appear on the Faces of my Friends, in a day or two; and
all the Professions they have made to my Prosperity, will
cool into a Complement of Condolance; a civil Salutation
of the Hat in haste; and end in the usual Form of, Your
Humble Servant: with the hearty hope of never seeing
me again.

Fred.

This is the old quarrel between your Father and you.

Fab.

Ev'n so: My liberal, conscientious, loving, well-dispos'd
Father has forbid me his House; and civilly desir'd
me to seek my Fortune.

Fred.

O, you must expect to be dis-inherited twice or
thrice, to try your Obedience, before you're the better for
him. But it happens unluckily at this time: What will
become of the Ladies?

Fab.

'Tis that troubles me: to be turn'd out of doors,
when I had honestly undertaken the making my Mother-in-Law's,
and Sister's Fortune, as well as my own. I have
promoted the design as far as I cou'd: I hope you and
Carlos will carry it on. There's a Letter from my Sister,
[Gives him a Letter.
to desire your assistance: I think she wants nothing but an
opportunity of running away with you.

Fred.
That I have setled in a Letter to her.
[Feeling for his Letter.
I have contriv'd her escape: but how to send it now—

Jaq.
That, Sir, I think, falls under my employment:
Let me alone for the Letter.

Fab.

There's an old Gentleman coming this way will
certainly deliver it.

Jaq.

Gad, and so he shall: 'tis very well thought upon:
Sir, your most humble Servant. The Letter, the Letter,
Sir;

[To Frederick.
I'le do your business, I warrant you.

Fred.

I have left it unfortunately behind me upon my
Table: Jaqueline, make haste, and bring it me.

[Jaqueline runs out.
Fab.

I have it in my head to be reveng'd of this old Fellow:
Run away with my Sister, be sure, whatever you do:
rely upon the old Man's conscience to give her a Portion: all
that I can do for you—is to pray (tho' I think there will be
no great need of my Prayers) that he will never give you
a Shilling.

[Aside.

Carlos, I suppose, knows how to behave himself between a
handsome young Lady, my Mother-in-Law, and a Coxcombly
old Fellow, my Father. When we are all in Rebellion,
a general Pardon must follow.

[Exit.
[Fernando enters to Frederick.
Fern.

Sure I saw just now a glimpse of my Rascally

Son shoot by the corner there: Hark you, Friend, was
not one Fabian with you before I came?

Fred.

Your Son Fabian, Sir; he was here but just now.

Fern.

My Son! hum! he may be your Son, if you like
him; for I disown him.

Fred.

Ay, so I hear indeed: 'tis a thousand pities, a pretty
Gentleman, as he is—

Fern.

A pretty Gentleman! yes, truly, he's a very pretty
Gentleman: When you can find nothing that a Coxcomb is
good for, but to spend money, you cry, he's a pretty Gentleman.
What, I suppose you were with him last night, a Serenading
(as you pretty Gentlemen call it) but in my language,
'tis catterwawling; good for nothing but to disturb a civil
neighbourhood; waken our Wives into wicked wishes; and
put 'em in mind of younger Fellows than their Husbands.

Fred.

You mistake me, Sir—

Fern.

I don't know whether I mistake you: but I'm sure,
among other his enormities of last night, had not a less Rascal
of the Company interpos'd, that Fabian you speak of,
wou'd have carry'd me bodily away with him, in the Case of
a Base Viol.

Fred.

Nay then he is to blame indeed.

Fern.

To blame, do you call it!

Fred.

I hope I shall make you a better Son, Sir, if you
please to accept of me: I have made my applications to you
a great while.

Fern.

Hold, hold, Sir; I have plague enough with those
Children I have already; I want no more, I thank you. What,
I warrant you, you'll say I have a handsom Daughter; why,
very well: and every body will say I have a handsom Wife.

Fred.

Yes, indeed Sir, every body must say your Wife is
a very fine Lady.

Fern.

O, must they so? Why how do I know then, that
you han't as great a mind to my Wife, as you have to my
Daughter? you look as if you wou'd rather help to bring some
more Children into my Family, than take any out of it: But I
shall watch you for spoiling my Wife's shape, I promise you.
'Tis very hard upon marry'd Men, that's the truth on't: 'tis

a sin, and a shame, there shou'd be so many ways of making
a Cuckold; when there are so few, or none to prevent it.
Now are you going to put in a long answer to every particular,
but I shall save you the trouble.

[Going.
Fred.

Sir, I shan't think it a trouble—

Fern.

To make me a Cuckold? no, no, I believe you.

Fred.

You won't understand me.

Fern.

I do understand you.

Fred.

Then, Sir, I leave the business entirely to your prudence,
to manage according to your discretion.

Fern.

Is the Devil in the Fellow? because I understand
that he has a design upon my Wife, he says, he leaves me to
manage it according to my discretion: Why perhaps you expect
I shou'd pimp for you: Are not you a very impudent
Fellow? or is this your way of proceeding with the Husbands?
From this time forward you shall not so much as see my Wife
through a double-barr'd window; and to put you out of all
other hopes, I will marry my Daughter very shortly to a
Friend of my own that will deserve her.

[Going.
Fred.

Will you resolve without hearing me?

[Jaqueline enters to 'em.
Fern.

Resolve! why I do resolve to have nothing to say to
you; to you, nor your Rogue there, that follows you. Odd!
that Fellow looks very suspiciously.

Jaq.

Sir, Sir, say your pleasure of my Master, or to my
Master; but don't disparage my Countenance: what have
you to say to my Face?

Fern.

Why, I don't like it.

Jaq.

Nay, nay, if that be all—

Fern.

But that is not all: I say moreover that you must be
a very impudent Fellow, that can keep such a Face in countenance.

Jaq.

Sir, I wou'd have you to know, what it seems you
are ignorant of, That whatever you take me to be, Sir, I am
a Gentleman, Sir.

Fern.

Nay, keep your distance, Friend, however. A
Gentleman, say you like enough; take a Pick-pocket into
custody, and upon the first question of his Roguery, he shall

answer, I'm a Gentleman. You never hear of a Fellow to
be hang'd, tho' for stealing a clean Shirt, but he's a Gentleman;
and such a Gentleman I cou'd allow you to be, if you
were going to the Gallows.

[Fernando going.
Jaq.

What the Devil shall I do with my Letter? Sir, Sir,
under your favour one word; I beg your pardon, Sir; if my
Master has said any thing to disoblige you—Lord, Sir,
you Lovers have bad memories—

[To Frederick.
My Master has forgot his main business with you, Sir.
[To Fernando.
You have forgot the Mony you came about, Sir.

[To Frederick.
Fern.

Mony, Friend! if you come about Mony, I can
hear you.

Fred.

What Mony do'st talk of? I want no Mony.

Jaq.

Pray, Sir, pardon me; I am your Steward, and
know your wants; you do want—and I want—

[Shows the Letter, and makes Signs.
Pox on him, he won't apprehend me.

Fred.

There's something to be done with that Letter: I
don't understand him, but I'le give into't if I can—
[Applying to Fernando.
I was loath to discover it, but the best Estates may want
Mony sometimes: You shall have what Security—

[Jaqueline pins a Letter to Fernando's Coat behind.
Fern.
I am for a Mortgage, or nothing—
What a pox do you mean, gathering about me so?
Have you a design upon my Person?

Fred.
Fye, fye, Sir; well you minded what I said?

Fern.

Minded what you said! I thank you, I had more
occasion to mind what you did: for ought I know I may
be robb'd—

[Fernando searching his Pockets.
Jaq.

Of your Daughter, in good time.

[Aside.
Fern.

My Pockets may be pickt.

Jaq.

Of a short Pipe, and Iron Tobacco-Box.

Fern.

Very well, Sir, this trick won't take.

Jaq.

Yes, but it will, Sir.

Fern.

What then, you design'd to abuse me, to make me

your Property, your Go-between? ha? what shall I do for
you? have you no Commendation-token of your affection,
or so, to my Wife, nor Daughter? what, you have a Letter;
I know. I shall certainly deliver it.

Jaq.

That will be kind, indeed, when my Master sends
one along with you.

Fern.
At any time, at any time.

Fred.
I'm glad I know the way.

Fern.
O, you can't miss it by me:
You can't find such another for your purpose.

Jaq.
By my troth, I think not, Sir; ha, ha, ha.

Fern.
Do you laugh at your good Fortune already?

Jaq.
I beg your Pardon, Sir, but I must laugh.

Fern.

Do, do, try with the silly Gentleman, your Master,
whether you can laugh me out of my Daughter, or
no.

[Exit.
Jaq.

I think I have bid fair for't.

Fred.

'Twas pretty well towards it, to make him carry
the Letter himself.

Jaq.

There's no danger of its miscarrying; the whole
Family is in a Conspiracy against him; and whoever gets
it, will deliver it to Victoria.

Fred.

I know Fabian will do any thing that's mischievous
to assist me: Go home, and desire him to stay for me: Behave
your self handsomely in this business, and you shall
be a Gentleman in earnest. Who's here? Villeroy and Carlos:
here, here Jaqueline.

[Whispers.
Enter Villeroy and Carlos.
Carl.

This constancy of yours will establish an immortal
Reputation among the Women.

Vil.

If it wou'd establish me with Isabella—

Carl.

Follow her, follow her: Troy Town was won at last.

Vil.

I have follow'd her these seven years, and now but
live in hopes.

Carl.

But live in hopes! why, hope is the ready Road, the
Lovers baiting-place, and for ought you know, but one Stage
short of the possession of your Mistress.

Vil.

But my hopes, I fear, are more of my own making,
than hers: and proceed rather from my wishes, than any
encouragement she has giv'n me.

Carl.
That I can't tell: the Sex is very various:

There are no certain measures to be prescrib'd, or follow'd,
in making our approaches to the Women. All that
we have to do, I think, is to attempt 'em in the weakest
part: Press 'em but hard, and they will all fall under
the necessity of a Surrender at last. That Favour
comes at once; and sometimes when we least expect it.

Vil.
I shall be glad to find it so.

Carl.
You will find it so. Every place is to be taken,
That is not to be reliev'd: She must comply.

Vil.
I'm going to visit her.

Carl.

What Interest a Brother-in-Law can have with
her, depend upon.

Vil.
I know your Interest, and I thank you.

[Exit.
Carl.
Be sure of me to help the Marriage forward.

Why so, Frederick, am not I a very honest Fellow, to endeavour
to provide a good Husband for my elder Brother's
Widow?

Fred.

A very kind Relation indeed: you'll give your
Consent to the Match, where you are to have the Benefit
of the Bargain.

Carl.

Tho' I have taken care to root her out of our Family,
I wou'd transplant her into Villeroy's.

Fred.

That has a face of good Nature; but it squints
with both Eyes upon your own Interest.

Carl.

That trick I learnt in the Schools, in your company,
when I was a younger Brother, and design'd for the
Church.

Fred.

The Church is a very good School: there are wise
Men and Fools of every Foundation: but there are Lessons
for every Learner; Doctrines for all Disciples, and calculated
to all capacities, to thrive or starve by, as they are
able to digest 'em. The Church will teach us to rise in
this World, as well as in the next, if we have but Grace to
follow her Example.

Car.

I think, I have taken care to improve the Principles
I receiv'd from her. What did they turn me into a Trade
for, but to thrive by the Mystery? and Cheating is the Mystery
in all the Professions I know of.

Fred.

I have a great deal of News for you, about Fernando
and his Family; the Wife and Daughter are in distress, we
must have mercy on 'em.

When you have secur'd the main matter of Villeroy, and
Isabella; Julia desires to fall under your consideration.

Car.
I'm something busie at present;
But I'le take care of her.

[Exeunt.