 | The Marriage-Broaker, or The Pander |  |
Act. II.
Scæn. 1.
Enter Derrick.Der.
I do suspect that I do wait at home
For some poor needy Gallant, whose estate
Consists in his good clothes, a handsome face,
And a clean leg to boot; I did forget
To ask his name, but I do swear it is
Unworthy of my knowledge; if he passe
His hour, he shall finde my word is cancell'd.
Enter Shift.
Shift.
I've justly kept my time Sir.
Der.
Then time cannot
Say you have kept her ill.
Shift.
And time keeps me as well.
For I do live extempore.
Der.
I have been looking o're my list, to fit
Your turn; which doth contain of maids fourscore,
Between 15. and five and twenty, three
From thence to 30. after which time, they
20
Shift.
Pray Sir let's see this map of Maiden-heads.
Der.
For my own memorie I'le produce it;
I did describe my contemplations
For my own use, and not for others study.
I must put on my seeing instruments,
For to survey this land of Amazons.
puts on his Spectacles
Shift.
I fear you do see double with those eyes,
And may mistake 2. thousand pound for one.
Pray look for me the most alluring outwards.
Der.
I shall, the first Region comprehends
The maiden beautie, call'd Virginis:
And this is thought to be a fertile land,
Now onely wanting the good husband's tillage.
Shift.
That should not want, were I it's Governour.
Der.
To each my sure experience hath affixt
Their portion, feature, age, their birth and breeding.
This other side I have design'd for Widows,
Called by some the Island of Japan,
A rich and open countrey; though some think
'Tis not the sweetest air; this is divided
'Mongst Widows of the first, second and third head,
The portion of which last is counted barren.
Shift.
But there are Widows of more heads then three.
Der.
True, but my page doth fill with none but those
Which are in danger, Sir, of Matrimony.
Those of the fourth head solace may themselves
On what is past, and with their toothless gumms
Chew on the pleasures of their youth, but few
21
And the example of the wife of Bath
Is in my reading singular.
Shift.
I see
That your inquisitive experience
Hath left a blank for more discoveries.
Der.
A wight did come to me for help,
As you do now, did finde my other map, and writ
Terra incognita in the emptie space.
Shift.
What's that I pray?
Der.
That's land undiscovered,
Which doth invite us unto farther search.
Shift.
But there are some unmarried, neither maids
Nor widows, are all such Utopians
In your Geographie?
Der.
If you desire
One that's so qualifi'd, I'le fit you too.
Shift.
No Sir, I onely did desire to know
Their place and order in your table.
Der.
These
Are registred alone in my black book;
Of these my Diocesse doth yeild but few,
And those transplanted to the city first,
Thence sent unto the place from whence they came.
Shift.
Pray Sir instruct me fully in your table;
What mean those lines are drawn hither from thence?
Right and oblique, to and again, much like
The picture of a ship.
Der.
Where I am known,
They call't my ship; for on the welcome Eve
Of Valentine, once every year, I draw
My Table new; then I expunge those names
Belong not to my office, and adopt new.
When unto those complain of want of wives,
They use to say that Derrick's ship's come home.
22
But for the lines.
Der.
These I may rightly call
Lines of proportion, which do point you out
The equal matches in the ods of portion.
Shift.
I understand you not.
Der.
As for example,
This oblique line drawn from the letter I
Annext unto a maid that's fair and young,
Whose whole estate is but an hundred pound;
And ending in the letter O prefixt
Unto a widow of the second head
That's valu'd at a thousand, doth demonstrate
These matches Geometrically even.
Shift.
Trust me your Schemes most mathematically
Exact and curious: but I pray demonstrate
A true proportion in the difference
Of Dowrie' twixt the maids
Der.
This doth appear
In these lines which are perpendicular;
As thus, the line which falls from the same I,
Upon the letter T, annext unto
A maid that wants an eye, and Elder by
Ten years, though she exceed 9. hundred pound,
Doth shew the Matches most exactly equal.
Sh.
Give me old one ey'd I with her full weight,
Then young I with two eyes, so much too light;
Let's hear a reason of your confident
Assertion.
Der.
Suppose their age were equal,
T five years younger, and I five years elder;
Divide nine hundred into equal parts,
Fiftie, besides four hundred in a part.
Tis the worse two hundred for the want
Of her one eye, adde hereunto five years
You did substract. and she is worth two hundred
And fiftie more, there you have half the summe;
23
Into the match, and the whole summ's abated.
Shift:
Somewhat obscure, but yet I apprehend.
Five years Increase can make a wife the cheaper
By one in five, then an eye wanting can.
Der.
Most righteous truth. O age, age, age in women;
'Tis their chief fear, because the scorn of men.
Shift.
And which in all your List wish you me to
Der.
Faith here is one, if you could like her nose;
She's rich enough.
Shift.
What ailes her nose?
Der.
There growes
A mole upon't so like a bunch of grapes.
That if you love um you can scarce forbear
The tasting, when her mother was with child
With her, long'd for grapes, at the first minute
Some smell disliking her, she stopt her nose;
And this they say's the cause: but 'tis time I
Put up my pipes. This Gentleman is needy.
Shift.
Good Sir, before you case, let's see the place
Of her you said was coming to the City.
Der.
She with her uncle, as I hear's arriv'd;
She's my Inprimis, nineteen years her age,
Her Dowrie full 500. pounds a year,
Besides her plate and jewels.
Shift.
Good Sir inform me,
Where's her lodging?
Der.
In my pocket now.
Make me beholding to you for your name,
Before we part.
Shift.
My name doth call me Shift.
Der.
It truly calls you then, a cleanly Gentleman,
24
Shift.
Nay Sir.
We'le greet in Sack before we part, I owe
A greater debt to your discourse that wine
Vnlocks his breast, but shall my wits refine.
Ex.
Scæn. 2.
Enter Goodwit, Hog, Crab, Falconer.Goodw.
Captain, how fare the Ladies of the Lake?
Your Mistresses by the Thames side, those Syrens,
Whose beautie and enchanting voice invite
The heedlesse passenger, do they reside
At their old shade? or have they chang'd their shore?
Hog.
To shame the devil, their dilapidation
Hath made them stand in need of reparation:
They are now in reedifying Sir.
Goodw.
What new ware have you then come in, you dare
Commend to an old friend or a new: will give
The highest price.
Hog.
Sir I have fresh and new,
Was never yet broke up to see the Sun,
My good old Mistress Neece, one newly wean'd
From milking, and who hath not yet forgot
To rise betimes i'th'morning, she is now
Learning to swear and talk bawdy, poor fool;
I never saw a worse proficient:
But she is dear, she must not yet fall down
Vnto the hackney price.
Goodw.
Let thy old Mistress
Know, I have seen the Indies since I saw her,
25
He is a man of gold.
Hog.
Of gold untry'd,
You mean.
Falcon.
The Captain doth abuse you Sir,
You hear him say, your mettal is untry'd:
Let his eares feel the valour he suspects.
Crab.
His looks are too Captainical for me,
They kill at least a mile before he's seen;
Thou know'st that I am mercifull, for once
I'le pardon him, tell him my elemencie.
Falc.
Yes, with a witness; Captain, or Captain not,
Know that my Master's of approved might;
He slew the Sussex dragon in the field.
Good.
Put in, without an Allegorie too.
Falc.
I know not what your Allegories mean,
But I am sure he slew him; yet I see
Him couch his conquering lance against the beast,
Which now with many doublings doth advance
His speckled belly 'gainst the hardy Knight;
I'le leave the rest unto a Poet's quill.
Hog.
A Poet's fiction merits no belief.
Fal.
This is a storie, and you must believ't;
The skin of the foul fiend is to be seen
In his great hall, would make the bloud recoil
Out of your meazeled face, think you I lye?
Crab.
O do not anger him; indeed 'tis true,
I dare not in the dark pass through my hall,
For fear of seeing it.
Good.
The Captain shall,
Believe the wonder, and report it too.
Falc.
'Tis his best way; this is his eleventh labour,
And this wild boar shall be the twelfth, if he
26
Hog.
Il'e not believe upon compulsion neither;
But for the Senior Don Francisco's sake,
I will embrace his worth.
Crab.
O by no means,
My worth loves no embracing, I shall ne're
Abide that look, Dick.
Falc.
Then't shall not offend you,
Hogs face about.
Hog.
Dog's face come out, I will
Not turn my back for thee not Hercules.
Good.
Nay then I see we must arrest his armes,
Captains should teach their souldiers to obey
By their example.
Crab.
Good Senior hold him fast,
Awake my sleeping courage, now I come,
My courteous valour greets the Captain's bum.
He kicks him.
Good.
I fear you'l beat a hole into his drum.
Falc.
'Tis good to remove the cold rheums from's stomack;
But I believe the physick doth not work;
He spits for't, give him tother dram.
Hog.
My stomack's not so cold, but this foul wrong
Hath soon inflam'd it; shall the noble race
Of Boca di la porca be disgraced,
And suffer with an asses patience?
Falc.
Divorce your hand, good Captain, from your hilt,
Or with his breath he'l blow you into Atomes.
Hog.
I care not for his strongest blasts, he'l find
The Hog foreseeing can prevent the wind.
Crab.
For once I'le buy your patience with a Fee,
27
Report that I subdu'd your stubbornness
To my subjection, and did make you yeild
Your slavish neck to my insulting heel.
Hog.
I will proclaim your bounty, equal to
Your valour Sir, and both superlative.
This shall buy sacrifice for good S. Crispin,
St. Martin's play-fellow, this day is his;
The night to Crispianus is design'd.
Crab.
Is this day Crispin's, and I not know it?
Frolick my hearts, this day is my birth day;
I do remember't very well, between
The houres of twelve and one i'th'afternoon,
That's about this time, I'me about one & twenty:
Here's chink for to buy sacrifice, we'le make
A merry night for Crispianus sake.
Good.
You now like a new Officer should shew
Your power, this one and twenty'th Crispin should
Heighten your thoughts, & infuse new designs,
To make your servants and your tenants know
They now are subject to a new Lord & Master.
Crab.
And well remembred: Dick, you said you spi'd
My uncle here in town, no matter what
His business is, but you shall take my horse and
Ride to my Farm i'th'wild, command my Baily
To sell a hundred weathers, but be sure
You bring the money instantly.
Falc.
Before that he hath sold em, he will never do't.
Besides, he feares your uncle.
Crab.
I will send
My uncle and him both packing, if they
Displease me, here's my Father's seal, go write
And I'le subscribe, make haste, the moon doth shine;
28
Fal.
Let not my slowness make you loose your sleeps;
But if I fail, blame sunne, or the knave baily.
Exit.
Good.
When you are ready you know where to find us.
Crab.
Captain, you shall not see the gentle craft
This night; I'le be your Saint, and banish Crispin
And Crispianus from the Calendar.
Hog.
Sir by your leave, a Crab must first be boy'ld.
Before he can be written in red letters.
Good.
He's written in red letters there already,
St. Sol in Cancer is his holiday,
Crab.
Well, leave your scoffing; when we have dispatch't
This Embasie, we'l burn away the day,
And night to boot, in wenching, drink, & play.
Goodw.
The thought of one and twenty hath transhap't him;
This humour doth become you, let it not cool,
Who's chaste and sober now, is thought a fool.
Exeunt.
Enter Elisa and Dove.
Elisa.
How? you a lawyer, that is very strange.
Dove.
Truer then strange, I'me sure I've spent my Fee,
Before that I have made my motion,
Elisa.
What motion mean you?
Dove.
That's a strange thing,
You must be Judge too.
Elis.
That is nothing strange,
'Tis long agoe since I knew how to judge
'Twixt one that weighs his words and he which speaks
29
Dove.
My meaning's that my motion's unto you.
Elis.
'Tis very likely then that you shall speed.
Dove.
Nay but I shall not, and besides I will not.
El.
You are an honest Lawyer to your Client.
Dove.
Honest as any Lawyer of them all.
Els.
But what's the motion?
Dove.
'Tis for a suter.
Elis.
And what's his sute?
Dove.
Your humble Orator
Desires a hearing in the Chancery of Cupid.
Elis.
He's a fool, for love doth keep
No court of conscience, but for your sake
His sute shall be no sooner heard then ended;
But now in earnest say who is this suter?
Dove.
'Tis not an hour since the old Placket-broaker
Our neighbour Derrick sends for me to a tavern.
Commends the worth of a young Gallant to me:
Who worthily bestow'd the pains to lay
Him fast asleep; this Gallant is my Client;
If Derrick lyes not, he can easily spend
Two hundred pound a month.
Elis.
'Tis no great skill.
To spend a thousand, e're since I was 13.
This knave hath talk't of sending sutors to me,
But when's this day of hearing?
Dove.
Instantly,
Soon as his Barber can wash in sope,
And wring him, firk up his forehead, hight him
And dight him, point his beard, excite his wit;
Have at you then yfaith.
Elis.
I am prepar'd;
O the mysterious arts, and wayes of love!
While others with unmanly care do plume
Their starched looks, to bait the heedless eye;
30
A shape that's loath'd and fearfull in their eyes,
Who know not what's conceal'd in the disguise.
Dov.
How Mistress? these are miseries indeed.
Elis.
Thomas, you know Venus hath sign'd my love
With her own seal, to know him if he stray.
Dove.
His mole you mean.
Elis.
You guesse aright, my uncle
Discover'd to my cousin Win this mark,
Which must exclude him from my sight, or she
Forfeits a father's blessing; therefore he
Shall serve me in a Blackamoor's disguise.
Dove.
I apprehend the rest, that be my care;
This is my Client knocks, I will reture.
knockt within.
El.
Be within hearing you may take him.
If that the siege be hot, or last too long.
Enter Shift.
Dove.
Sir you are welcome, Venus prosper you.
Shift.
Ladie, I have brought a servant to you, sent
By one whose wishes gladly wait on yours.
Elis.
Sir, let me beg your pains, to carry back
His gift with thanks, which do attend his care.
Shift.
Sweet do not stain your beauty with a sinne,
To scorn the offer'd presence of a friend.
Elis.
If you do think me haughty or ingrate,
I'le not unlade you Sir of your opinion;
You have free leave to carry hence that burden.
Shift.
I would not, fair one, carry hence your scorn,
Which doth oppresse me with a heavy load;
Rather let it afflict me here, the slave
Your friend did send will sadly bear your yoak,
Though I dare say he may deserve your favour.
31
Pray Sir let's hear his worthy properties,
Dances he on the rope, or tumbles, weares
He a fool's coat to make his mistress merrie?
Shift.
All these, 'tis his desire to be a fool;
That's to be fortunate: and now he's like
One dancing on the ropes, ready to fall;
And onely ballast with the pole of Hope;
But if you'le see him tumble, you shall finde
Him active in his vaulting, and he'le runne
Through a small hoop with great agility.
Elis.
I may take money to shew him Sir,
Will pay his hire, and keep his Mistress too.
Shift.
He'l keep her like a Queen; the envious Sun
Shall not with Rayes (which yeild to her's) impair
Her guarded beauties; the earth, air and sea
Shall pay their tribute to her taste, her bed
Shall be as soft, as air, as Phœnix nest
Perfum'd; and as the sun breaks from the East,
So shall she rise, and where she shines, the day
Shall be more bright by her peculiar ray.
Elis.
He must have richer qualities can do
These feats, can he not sing and fiddle too?
Shift.
He'le sing his Mistress worth, and he will play
Such musick, she will laugh incontinent,
If she'le vouchsafe to be his instrument:
But the best quality my truth can boast,
Is my service, love, and loyalty.
Elis.
Why do you name you self? are you that servant?
Pray speak the name of my good friend that sent you.
Shift.
I am that he, that sent and brought my self.
32
And the reward of worth, that 'twill not be
Conceal'd, your fame invited me to see,
To love and honour you, and to present
My person and my fortunes for a gift.
Elis.
They need no fortunes who are so indow'd:
Nature and art have so enriched you,
That you should injure them, to throw you merits
On any that's unable to deserve,
Or to requite them; and let me beg of you
To adde this more unto your rich deserts,
My pardon of their too unequal welcome.
Shift.
She's taken, taken by the art of man;
My pretty sweetnesse, tast my clemency
In this absolving kiss; this seals thy pardon;
Musk, civet, nectar, marrow of them all,
And all that's sweet do in her kisses meet,
These kisses are dry sweet-meats, pretty mouse,
They'l not extinguish thirst, nor cool the heat
Of panting love, let us in private feast
Our mutual desires with liquid cates.
And juicy gawdies of unvalued rates.
Elis.
This fellow sure is travall'd from himself;
Friend if you are at home, I'de speak with you.
Think not a ravisht kisse a pattern of love;
It is a favour which I'le not deny
To the bare outside of a Gentleman,
Which you do seem to wear; but know, rude sit,
That your ungentleness denies your self
That curtesie is owing to your shape.
For my sake practice manners, or else chuse
A Mistress who will suffer your abuse.
Enter Dove.
Dove.
Did you call?
Eli.
I meant so; wait me in.
Exeunt; manet Shift.
33
She's gon, fled, vanisht, so are all my hopes;
Shame ghost the counsel of this broaking fool;
Whose sober thoughts were so precisely nice,
They conceal'd where this wealthy beauty shin'd;
But when the spirit of the Sack had thaw'd
His frozen tongue in hope to share the pray,
He speedily unfolds her whole condition,
And counsels me to look; my son, sayes he,
This is a nme of prosperous presage
With me, which I vouchsafe to give to those
Are by my care promoted to a Bride.
My Son, first know that Love a warfare is,
Where the Commande: sights with stratagems
And courage, he doth bribe the Officers
For to betray their charge; if this not take,
He springs the wall, that valour may prevail
In those designs, where subtilty did fail:
So when thou woo'st, see those are near thy Mistress;
The Chamber Secretary, or the man
Carries her private errands, (then he sent
For th'yeoman of the dogs to practise on)
But if this fail, assay to make a breach,
Women are brittle Clay, and made to yeild,
Where manhood shews his standard in the field.
This he call'd counsel of War. May he thrive,
Like to the sage advice he did contrive.
Enter Dove.
Dove.
What, at your afternoon's devotion sir?
Shift.
Yes, I was praying, Sir, for the adversity
Of the old knave that made us two acquainted.
Dove.
Believe me, prayer is now out of fashion;
But let not that poor fool afflict your brain;
34
But I may send my wishes after him;
Cassandra's miserie still wait on him;
May truth he speaks, wander, and never finde
Any believing ear to entertain it,
That when he preaches youth with vowes
And sinowy succulent to wealthie widows,
They may be infidels to all his doctrines;
Be he the mark't Owle, hooted and cry'd
Into contempt by all the countrey youth
That is unwiv'de, and may all maids that see
This cheating vizor vow virginitie.
Dove.
Suffer this shadow vanish from your thoughts.
And be advis'd by me; let not your hopes
Cool in a faint discouragement, because
Your Mistresse gave no adieu at parting;
'Twas onely a maid's niceness, not to seem
Too soon o'recome; invade her with some gift
May speak your love to him, win her's to you.
Shift.
I did invade her, and that fiercely too;
But that's the miserie, she doth not love
Invading; and if gifts could take her, freely
I made a tender of my self and fortunes.
Dove.
Courtship exactly needy, let her know
The richnesse of your love; dear Sir your bounty
To me makes me your friend and servitour;
I know a Blackamoor whose properties
Your knowledge will confesse, deserve promotion,
He sings well, dances, fences, and to grace
These qualities, he can varicinate
Your Fortunes, and the dark events of Fate,
Unhappily.
Shift.
Yet happily his skill
May fail; but why such pains to paint
This smootie piece, with beauteous praise? if you
35
Dove.
I'le tell you what, he now doth mourn his want
Of service, in the loss of an old Master.
Shift.
He's of the mourning colour, right indeed,
And di'de in grain; but truly I need none,
That tells strange fortunes, or laments his own.
Dove.
Nay if you are so wise, at once to spell
And scoffe my purpose, good Sir farewell.
Shift.
Be not offended friend, If my despair
Make me inquisitively suspitious
Of any powerfull means, for to advance me
In the high favour of the blest Elisa.
But what for Loves sake of this Blackamoor?
Dove.
Advance him in the service of your Mistress,
His honest thanks will twenty ways requite you;
He will bely your Fortunes, swear what lordships
Do call you Master, and what goodly houses
Do mourn your absence, what delightfull gardens
Will freshly spring upon your wedding day,
Being quickned with your Bride's desired ray;
Then he will shew how you bestow your time;
How you do number minutes by your sighes,
And that your tongue each quarter strikes Elisa.
Shift.
Thanks honest friend; but dost thou think she will
Accept him from me?
Dov.
If his proper worth
Did not commend him, yet her manners can
Not well refuse what curtesie bestowes.
Shift.
I prethee send him to me speedille.
Dove.
Within this hour we'le wait you at your lodging.
36
'Till then adieu; this is good husbandrie,
To give what's dear to keep, and cheap to buy.
Exeunt.
| The Marriage-Broaker, or The Pander | |