 | Amends for Ladies |  |
Actus quintus.
Enter Svbtle with Hvsband.Subt.
Shee is not to be cast.
Hus.
It cannot be: had you a wife, and I were in your
case.
I would be hang'd euen at the chamber doore
Where I attempted, but i'le lay her flat.
Subt.
Why tell me truely, would it please you best,
To haue her remaine chast, or conquered.
Husb.
Oh friend it would do me good at the heart
To haue her ouercome, shee do's so brag
And stand vpon her chastitie forsooth.
Subt.
Why then in plaine termes Sir, the fort is mine,
Your wife has yeelded, vp-tailes is her song,
The deed is done, come, now, be merrie man.
Husb.
Is the deed done indeed? come, come, you jest,
Has my wife yeelded? is vptailes her song?
Faith come, in prose, how got you to the matter first, ha.
Pish, you are so bashfull now.
Subt.
Why, by my troth i'le tell you, because you are my
friend, otherwise you must note it is a great hurt to the art
of whooremasterie to discouer, besides the skill was neuer
mine o'th price.
Husb.
Very good, on sir.
Subt.
At the first she was horrible stiffe against me, then
Sir I tooke her by the hand, which I kiss'd.
Husb.
Good Sir.
Subt.
And I cal'd her pretie Rogue, and I thrust my finger
betwixt her breasts, and I made lips; at last, I pul'd her
by the chin to me, and I kist her.
Husb.
Hum, very good.
Subt.
So at the first, she kist very strangely, close, & vntoward;
then said I to her, thinke but vpon the wrongs, the
intollerable wrong, the rogue your Husband does you.
Hus.
I that was very good, what said she to you then sir?
Subt.
Nay, I went on. First quoth I, thinke how he hath
vs'd you, left you no meanes, giuen all your clothes to his
Punckes, struck you, turn'd your gray eies into black ones,
but yet—
Husb.
A pretie conceit.
Subt.
Quoth I, these things are nothing in the Rascoll,
thinke but what a base Whoore-master, the Rascoll is.
Husb.
Did you call me Rascoll so often are you sure.
Subt.
Yes, and oftner, for said I, none comes amisse to
vnder hedges in the riding of ten mile, and I swore
this to.
Hus.
Twas verie well, but you did lie. On I pray.
Sub.
Pish, one must lie a little, now sir by this time shee
began to kisse some what more openly, and familiarlie, her
resistance began to slacken, and my assault began to stiffen,
the more her Bulwarke decai'd, the more my batterie fortified,
at last sir, a little fumbling being past to make the Conquest
more difficult, shee perceauing my readines mounted,
fals me flat vpon her backe, cries mee out aloud
My sort, that like Troy towne, ten yeares hath stood
Beseig'd and shot at did remaine vnwon:
But now tis conquer'd. So the deede was done.
Hus.
Then came the hottest seruice. Forward with your tale sir.
Sub.
Nay Cætera, quis nescit, lassi requieuimus ambo: Proueniant medii sic mihi sæpe dies.
Hus.
Which is as much to say: I am a Cuckold, in all Languages,
but sure tis not so, It is impossible my wife should
yeeld.
Sub.
Hoyday, ene now, it was impossible she should hold
out, and now it is impossible she should yeeld, stay you but
heere & be an eare witnes to what followes, Ile fetch your
wife.—I know he will not stay.
Exit.
Hus.
Good faith Sir but he will. I doe suspect some knauerie
in this.
Here will I hide my selfe, when thought as gone,
If they doe ought vnfitting I will call
Witnesse, and straight way sue a diuorce.
Enter Wife and Svbtill.
Sub.
I knew hee would not stay. Now noble Mistrisse,
I claime your promise.
Wife.
What was that good seruan
Sub.
That you would lie with me.
Wife.
If with anie man,
But prithee first consider with thy selfe
If I should yeeld to thee, what a load thy Conscience
May strike me, If I yet haue lost the truth,
Or whitenesse of the hand I gaue in Church,
And twill not be, thy happinesse (as thou thinkst)
That thou alone should'st make a woman fall,
That did resist all else, but to thy soule
A bitter Corasiue, that thou didst staine,
Vertue that else had stood immaculate,
Nor speake I this, as yeelding vnto thee,
For tis not in thy power, wert thou the sweet'st
Of natures Children, and the happiest,
To conquer me, nor in mineowne to yeeld,
And thus it is with euery pious wife.
Thy daylie railing at my absent Husband
Makes me indure thee worse, for let him doe
The most preposterous ill relishing things
To me, they seeme good, since my Husband does 'em,
Nor am I to reuenge or gouerne him,
And thus it should be with all vertuous Wiues.
Sub.
Poxe a this vertue and this chastetie,
Doe you know faire Mistresse, a young Gentleman
About this towne cald Bould, where did he lie
Last night, sweet Mistris, oh oh, are you catch'd,
I saw him slip out of the house this morne,
As naked as this truth, and for this cause
I haue tould your Husband that you yeelded to me,
And he I warrant you, will blaze it throughly,
As good doe now then as bee thought to doe.
Wife.
No, twill not be yet, thou iniurious man,
How wilt thou right me in my Husbands thoughts,
That on a false surmise, and spight hast tould,
A tale to breed vncurable discontent?
Bould was that ould wench that did serue the Widdow,
and thinking by this way to gaine her loue
Mist of his purpose, and was thus cashier'd,
Nor cares shee to proclame it to the world.
Su.
Zoons, I haue wrong'd you Mistris, On my knees
kneels
I aske you pardon, and will neuer more,
Till that foule wrong I haue bred in your Knight
I haue expeld, and set your loues aright.
Hus.
Which now is done alreadie, Madame, wife,
kneeles
Vpon my knees, with weeping eies, heau'd hands,
I aske thy pardon, oh sweet vertuous creature,
I prithee breake my head.
Wife.
Rise, rise, Sir pray:
You haue done no wrong to me, at least I thinke so;
Heauen hath preuented all my iniurie,
I doe forgiue and marrie you a new.
Come, we are all inuited to the weddings,
The Ladie Honor to the old rich Count.
Yong Bould vnto another Gentlewoman,
We and the Widdow are inuited thither,
Embrace and loue, henceforth more really,
Not so like worldlings.
Husb.
Heere then ends all strife
Thus false friends are made true, by a true wife.
Exeunt.
Scæna prima.
Enter old Covnt wrapt in furs, the Ladie Honor drest like a Bride, the Lord Provd. Wel-trid, Bovld, leading Fee-simple like a Ladie masqu'd, Hvsband, Wife, Svbtle with a letter, Widdovv, to them Brother, Seldom, and his wife.Broth.
Health and all joy vnto this faire assemblie,
My brother, who last tide is gone for France,
A branch of willow feathering his hat,
Bad me salute you Ladie, and present you
With this same letter written in his blood,
He prayes no man, for his fake euermore
To credit woman, nor no Ladie euer
To beleiue man, so either sexe shall rest
Vnniur'd by the other, this is all, and this I haue deliuer'd.
Pr.
I and well, you pronounce rarely, did you neuer play?
Broth.
Yes, that I haue, the soole, as some Lords doe.
Wel.
Set forward there.
Count.
Oh, oh, oh, a pox a this cold.
A cold a this poxe you migt say, I am a feard.
Maid.
How full of ghastly wounds this letter shewes,
oh, oh.
swoones.
Pr.
Looke to my sister.
Bou.
S'hart the Ladie swoons.
Wife.
Strong water there.
Feesi.
If strong breath would recouer her, I am for her.
Co.
Ahlas good Ladie, hum, hum hum.
coughs perpetually
Subt.
He has fet her againe with coughing.
Maid.
Conuey me to my bed send for a Priest
And a Physition, your Bride I feare,
In stead of Epithalamious shall neede
A Dirge, or Epitaph, oh lead me in,
My bodie dies for my soules periur'd sinne.
Exit. Maid, Grace, Wife, Husb. Subtle.
Bould.
Hymen comes towards vs in a mourning robe.
Welt.
I hope friend, we shall haue the better day.
Proud.
I'le fetch the Parson and Physition
Ex. Lo. Pr.
Broth.
They are both readie for you.
Exit. Broth.
Welt.
Madam, this is the Gentlewoman.
Who something bashfull does desire your pardon, that shee
Does not vnmasque.
Wid.
Good Master Wel-tri'd, I would not buie her face,
and for her manners if they were worse, they shall not displease
me.
Welt.
I thanke your Ladyship.
Feesi.
Looke, how the old Asse my father stands, he looks
like the Beare in the play, he has kil'd the Ladie with his verie
sight as God helpe me, I haue the most to do to forbeare
vnmasquing me, that I might tell him his owne, as can be.
Bould.
Fie, by no meanes.
The Widdow comes towards you.
Count.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Wid.
Seruant, God giue you joy, and Gentlewoman,
Or Ladie as full joy, I wish to you,
Nor doubt that I will hinder you, your loue,
But heere am come to doe all curtesie
To your faire selfe, and husband that shall be.
Feesi.
I thank you heartilie.
Welt.
S'hart, speak smaller man.
Feesi.
I thanke you heartilie.
You're going to this geete to Mr. Bould, vm, vm vm.
Bould.
Not to your couching geere my Lord, though I
be not so olde, or rich as your Lordship, yet I loue a yong
wench as well.
Welt.
As well, as my Lord, nay by my faith, that you do
not, loue a yong wench as well as he, I wonder you will be
vnmannerly to say so.
Count.
Faith Master Wel-tri'd, troth is I loue them well,
but they loue not me, vm, vm, vm, you see, what ill luck, I
haue with them, vmp, vmp, vmp, a poxe a this cold still say I.
Welt.
Where got you this cold my Lord? it can get in no
where that I can see, but at your nostrels, or eies, all the other
parts are so barricado'd with furre.
Feesi.
It got in at his eies, and made that birdlime there
where cupids wings doe hang intangled.
Count.
Is this your wife, that (vm, vm, vm) shall be, Ma.
Bould, i'le be so bould as kisse her.
[Wid. Bould whisper aside.
Count. sits in a chaire and fals a sleepe.
Feesi.
Sir, forbeare, I haue one bould enough to kisse my
lips, oh olde coxcombe, kisse thine owne naturall sonne, t'is
worse then a Iustices lying with his own daughter, but M
r.
Wel-tri'd when will the Widdow breake this matter to me?
Welt.
Not till the very close of all, she dissembles it yet,
because my Lord your Father is heere, and her other suitor
Bould.
Feesi.
That's all one, he's o'th plot a my side:
Wid.
T'is needlesse Master Bould, but I will doe
Any thing you require to satisfie you,
Why should you doubt, I will forbid the banes,
For so your friend, heere tould me? I should rather
Doubt that you will not matrie.
Bo.
Madam by heauen, as fully I am resolu'd to marry now,
And will to, if you doe not hinder it,
As euer louer was, only because
The World has taken notice of some passage
Twixt you and me, and then to satisfie
My sweet heart heere, who poore soule is a feard,
To haue some publike disgrace put vpon her,
Wid.
Well, I will doe it, and this professe besides,
Married, you shall as welcome be to mee
As mine owne brother, and your selfe faire Ladie,
Euen as my selfe, both to my boord, and bed.
Wel.
Ah, ah, how like you that?
Feesi.
Now she begins, abundant thanks vnto your widdow-hood.
I wonder'd where his cough was all this while.
Enter Ingen like a Doctor: A Parson, Brother, Provdly, Seldome, Mris. Seld. Hvsband, Wife, and Svbtle.
Ingen.
I pray forbeare the chamber, noise does hurt her.
Her sickenesse I ghesse rather of the minde
Than of her bodie, for her pulse beates well,
Her vitall functions not decaid a whit,
But haue their naturall life and operation.
My Lord, be cheer'd, I haue an ingredient about me,
Shall make her well I doubt not.
In Master Parson, it shall be yours I pray,
The soules Physition should haue still the way.
[Exit Ingen, Parson shuts the doore.
Wid.
How cheeres she pray?
Wife.
In troth exceeding ill.
Ms. Seld.
A verie weake woman indeed she is, and surely
I thinke cannot scape it.
Husb.
Did you marke how she ey'de the Physition?
Wife.
Oh God I, she is very loath to die.
Ms. Seld.
I that's n'ere the better signe, I can tell you.
Subt.
And when the Parson came to her, she turn'd away,
And still let the Physition hold her by the hand.
Proud.
But see what thought the Bride-groome takes,
my conscience knowes now, this is a most præposterous
match, yet for the commoditie, we winck at all inconueniencie.
My Lord, my Lord.
Count.
Vmp, vmp, vmp, I beshrow you for waking of me,
now shall I haue such a fit of coughing, hum, hum—
Bould.
Oh haplesse wife, that shall haue thee, that either
by the cough.
Wid.
You haue a proper Gentleman to your sonne, my
Lord, he were fitter for this yong Ladie than you.
Welt.
D'ee marke that againe?
Feesi.
Oh sweet widdow.
Count.
He a wife, he a fooles head of his owne.
Feesi.
No, of my Fathers.
Count.
What should he doe with a vmp, vmp?
Wife.
What with a cough? why he would spit, and that's
more than you can doe.
Proud.
Your bride my Lord is dead.
Count.
Marrie, e'ne God be with her, griefe will not
helpe it, vmp, vmp, vmp.
Broth.
A most excellent spouse.
Pr.
How fares she Mr. Doctor. Z'oons, whats here
looks in at the window
Bould, Widdow, Wel-tri'd, Fee-simple, hoy-day.
Husband, Wife, Seldome, Ms. Seld. Subtle: how now?
Feesi.
Looke, looke, the Parson joynes the Doctors hand
& hers; now the Do. kisses her by this light.
[omnes whoop.
Feesi.
Now goes his gowne off, hoy-day, he has
read breeches on: Z'oones, the Physition is got
o'th top of her, be like it is the mother she has,
harke the bed creakes.
Pr.
S'hart, the doores fast, break 'em open, we are betrai'd.
Bro.
No breaking open doores, he that stirs first
draws & holds out a pistoll.
I'le pop a leaden pill into his guts.
Shall purge him quite away, no hast good friends,
When they haue done (whats fit) you shall not neede
To breake the doore, thei'l open it them selues.
A curtaine drawne, a bed discouer'd, Ingen with his sword in his hand, and a Pistoll, the Ladre in a peticoate, the Parson.
Pr.
Thy blood base villain shal answere this
the Bro. set back to back
I'le dye thy nuptiall bed in thy hearts gore.
Ing.
Come, come, my Lord, t'is not so easily done,
You know it is not. For this my attempt
Vpon your sister, before God and man
Shall haue my wench, to get diseases on.
Pr.
Well mai'st thou tearme her so that has consented,
Euen with her will to be dishonor'd.
Ing.
Not so, yet haue I lyen with her.
Ma.
But first (witnesse this Priest) we both were married,
Priest.
True it is Domine.
Their contract's run into a marriage,
And that my Lord into a carriage.
Pr.
I will vndoe thee Priest.
Priest.
'Tis to late,
I'm vndone alreadie, wine and Tobacco, I defie thee
Thou temporall Lord, perdy thou neuer shalt
Keepe me in jayle, and hence springs my reason,
My act is neither Felonie nor Treason.
Fee.
I sir, but you do not know, what kindred she may haue.
Omnes.
Come, come, there is no remedie.
Wife.
And weigh't right in my opinion my honor'd Lord,
And euery bodies else, this is a match,
Fitter ten thousand times, than your intent.
Omnes.
Most certaine t'is.
Wid.
Besides, this Gentleman your brother in law well
parted, and faire mean'd, and all this come about (you must
conceiue) by your owne sisters wit as well as his.
Ing.
Come, come, t'is but getting of me knighted my
Lord, and I shall become your Brother well enough.
Pr.
Brother your hand, Lords may haue projects still,
But there's a greater Lord, will haue his will.
Bo.
This is dispatcht. Now Madam is the time,
For I long to be at it, your hand sweet heart.
Feesi.
Now, boyes.
Wid.
My Lord, and Gentlemen, I craue your witnesse
To what I now shall vtter. 'Twixt this Gentleman
There has beene some loue passages and my selfe,
Which heere I free him, and take this Ladie.
Welt.
Law ye, and take this Ladie.
Wid.
Which with a mothers loue, I giue to him,
And wish all joy may crowne their marriage.
Nay Madame, yet she is not satisfied.
Bould giues her a ring, and she puts it on her thumb.
Wid.
Further, before yee all I take this ring
As an assumpsit, by the vertue of which
I bind my selfe in all my lands and goods,
That in his choice, i'le be no hinderance:
Or by forbidding banes, or claiming him
My selfe for mine, but let the match goe on
Without my check, which he intendeth now.
And once againe I say, I bind my selfe.
Bo.
Then once againe, I say, widdow thou'rt mine:
Priest marrie vs, this match I did intend,
Yee are all witnesses, if thou hinder it,
Widdow your lands and goods are forfeit mine.
Wid.
Ha, nay take me to, since there's no remedie,
Your Widdow (without goods) sels scuruilie.
Omnes.
Whoop, God giue you joy.
Count.
S'light, I am cozend of all sides, I had good hope
of the Widdow my selfe, but now I see euerie bodie leaues
me sauing vm, vm, vm.
Bo.
'Troth my Lord, & that will sticke by you I warrant.
Wid.
But how Sir, shall we salue this Gentlewoman?
Bo.
Hang her whoore.
Welt.
Fie, you are too vnciuill.
Feesi.
Whoore in thy face, I doe defie thy taunts.
Bo.
Nay hold faire Ladie, now I thinke vpon't.
The old Count has no wife, lets make a match.
Omnes.
If he be so contented.
Count.
With al my heart.
Bo.
Then kisse your Spouse.
Count.
S'foot she has a beard: how now, my sonne?
Omnes.
T'is the Lord Fee-simple.
[Feesi vnmasques.
Feesi.
Father, lend me your sword, you and I are made a
couple of fine fooles, are we not? If I were not valiant now,
and meant to beate 'em all, heere would lie a simple disgrace
vpon vs, a Fee-simple one indeed, marke now what i'le
say to 'em, d'ee heare my Masters, Dam-me, yee are all the
sonne of a whoore, and ye lie, and I will make it good with
my sword, this is cal'd Roaring Father.
Subt.
I'le not meddle with you Sir.
You are my blood.
Welt.
And I flesht you, you know.
Bo.
And I haue a charge comming, I must not fight now.
Feesi.
Has either of you any thing to say to me?
Hush.
Not we Sir.
Feesi.
Then haue I something to say to you. Haue you
any thing to say to me?
Broth.
Yes marrie haue I Sir.
Feesi.
Then I haue nothing to say to you, for that's the
fashion, Father if you will come away with your cough, doe?
Let me see how many challenges must I get writ: You shall
heere on me beleiue it.
Proud.
Nay, wee'le not now part angrie, stay the Feasts
That must attend the weddings, you shall stay.
Feesi.
Why, then all friends, I thought you would not
haue had the manners to bid vs stay dinner neither.
Husb.
Then all are friends, and Ladie, wife, I crowne
Thy vertues with this wreath, that 'tmay be said,
There's a good wife.
Thei set Girlonds on their heads.
Bo.
A Widdow.
Ing.
And a Maid.
Wife.
Yet mine is now approu'd the happiest life,
Since each of you hath chang'd to be a wife.
Exeunt.
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