 | The Court Begger |  |
ACT III.
SCENE I.
Enter Philomel, Mendicant, Doctor.Ph.
These are the Lodgings, that my Lady appointed
For your distracted patient.
Men.
Like you 'em Doctor.
Doct.
Exceeding well. Excuse me Gentlewoman
That now intreat your absence.
Ph.
Willingly. I am not taken with the sight you bring:
For I see mad-folkes enough every day.
Exit.
Doct.
Here set him downe. Unbind him, and unblind
him.
(Ferdinand brought in a chaire bound and hooded, &c.
Fer.
Am I then taken prisoner in the North?
Wounded, disarm'd and bound? I shall be
ransom'd
Castles ha' you brought me? you sir Presbiter,
That better can pugnare then orare,
And so abjure all duty and allegiance—
Men.
Hee takes you for a Northerne Pastor
Mr. Doctor.
Doct.
No matter what, let him run out his fancy.
Fer.
You were best to use me well; and like a souldier
Order will else be tane (though you know none.)
You shall have all best usage sir.
Fer.
And use my horse well too, and let my horse and armor
Be decently preserv'd and seene forth-comming
At my redemption.
Doct.
With all best care sir.
Fer.
For I shall soone be sent for, or fetch'd off
With ruine of your countrey 'bout your eares.
Doct.
You shall have all content the countrey yeilds
sir.
Fer.
I shall have Oat-bread, Ale, and Bag-pipes,
shall I?
Doct.
If you'l be merry sir.
Fer.
Merry! why not? come let's ha' cards; and you and I to cribbidge
For an od hundred pound, I meane not Scotch,
But sterling English pieces, where's your money?
All gone in Ammunition, and charge Military.
Doct.
I'le finde you money enough.
Fer.
O here's a third man, let's then to Gleeke.
Men.
Crown Gleeke sir, if you please.
Fer.
Crown Gleeke! no more?
You seeme to be a thrifty Covenanter
To play but at crowne Gleeke, whole piece Gleeke or
nothing.
Men.
High as you please sir, wee'l find money enough,
And pay us but our buyings.
Fer.
Sir, you must hate mee Aces. You will play Tib
and Tom.
Doct.
All i' the Cards sir.
Fer.
Away with cards. Bring dice, set all at hazard,
And though I lose all, I have yet a project
That at the end o' th' war, and the great sitting
Shall fetch all in agen. But O my Muse!
How dare I so neglect thy inspirations?
Give me Pen, Inke and Paper.
Doct.
All's ready.
Now will I write, nor will I emulate
Ovids smoth vaine, or Petraks buskind stile.
Nor Laura, nor Corinna did deserve
To have their prayers written in such Verse
As i'le bestow on her that I adore.
Listen to me you blest Intelligences,
And, Phebus, stay thy course to heare me sing
Her prayses, for whose love th' inamor'd Gods
Would leave their proper seates, and in stolne shapes,
Converse with mortalls, your soule-ravishing spheres
Send forth your sweetest harmony whilst I sing—
But O shee is disdainfull; and her scorne
Hath blotted all the glory of her praise,
Away, away with all.
Doct.
Now sir, doe you observe the roote of his
Disease?
Men.
I guesse at it, know you the remedy?
Fer.
Disease! what's that? who is diseas'd? who
wants a Remedy?
Men.
This Gentleman is, and brings you remedy, be
you patient.
Doct.
O you will move him.
Fer.
You are a brace of Quacks,
That tie your knowledge unto dayes and houres
Mark'd out for good or ill i' th' Almanack.
Your best Receipts are candy for a cold;
And Carduus Benedictus for an ague,
Could you give life as Æsculapius
Did to unjustly slaine Hippolitus,
You could prescribe no remedy for me.
Goe study Gallen, and Hippocrates,
And when your rare simplicities have found,
Simples to cure the Lunacy of Love,
Compose a potion, and administer't
Doct.
I'le Phisick you to morrow and allay
The heate of this strong fit, or Leach it out.
Enter sir Raphael.
Ra.
I have venter'd to this house againe, assur'd
That now the humerous Lady is from home
Forgetting not her Love-trick put upon me
Which she already boasts to my disgrace
For which I may requite her Ladyship,
How dos your patient? a sleepe! That's well.
Men.
No hee's but silent sir, and it is well
That he is so, so long.
Ra.
The Lords in honorable regard unto
His health directed me to visite him.
Fer.
Who's that?
Ra.
Do you not know me sir?
Fre.
You are (I tak't) the Ghost of Dionisius
The great tirannicall Court-schole-master.
Ra.
Your Friends at Court commend them to you
Sir.
Fer.
What hither, unto hell? Extend their loves
So far, to finde me out? Pray let 'em know
That here's a trobled world in want of Statesmen.
But tell the youthes and beauties there, they never
Shall finde a happier opportunity
To raise a new Plantation. They'l drive all
Before 'em here. For pride is at a stand;
Fashions are all worne out, and no invention
For new here to be found: all beauty's lost;
Nor have the greatest Ladies here the act
To make so much as their poore Chambermayds:
Let 'em come downe, as many of the Gallants
As are made weary of their Wives or Mistresses;
And, of those Wives and Mistresses, as many
As can their husbands, or their servants spare:
Shall we have in hell then? Ha' old Lad!
Ra.
What a wilde fancie's this!
Doct.
Crosse it not good sir.
Ra.
Pray give mee leave to touch it though, a
little.
Fer.
But above all, finde out the Lady Strangelove
That humorous Madam, and tell her from me,
The many Lovers shee has sent before her
Into these shades (where we can find no torments
Like those that shee inflicted) have prevail'd
With the great Queene Proserpina, that shee
Shall be in place next to her royall person.
Ra.
The Lady Strangelove! you are in her house sir,
Where doe you thinke you are? or who you are?
Pray call your selfe to mind sir, are not you
The noble Cavalier and hopefull Courtier
The most accomplish'd Knight sir Ferdinando?
Doct.
Forbeare sir, you will move him strongly else.
Ra.
I have authority for what I do sir,
Can you forget your selfe sir, or neglect
The bounteous fortunes, that the Court and Kingdome
Have in store for you, both for past Atchievments,
And for the large endowments of court-vertue
Are found still growing in you, studied and practis'd
So to the life, as if you were built up
Vertues own Mansion, on her foure firme pillars?—
Men.
I hope he cannot flatter him into's wits
When 'tis the way to foole men out of 'em.
Ra.
The Wisdome, Justice, Magnanimity,
And temperance of court you are exactly
Fram'd and compos'd of, and indued with all
The excelencies that may adorne a man
By Nature, Fortune, Art and Industry!
And all this glorious light to be eclips'd;
Fer.
Pray sir your eare.
Ra.
Sir, most attentively.
Fer.
What do you thinke of Salsbury steeple sir,
For a fit hunting speare t' incounter with
The whore of Babilion? might I not firke her thinke
you?
Men.
Your Doctrine dos not edify sir Raphael.
Fer.
Is Oratour Demostines growne dumbe
O'th' sodaine? what! no answer? give me a Knife
He is but tongue-tied.
Ra:
Guard me Divinity.
Doct.
I told you what you would doe.
Men.
Patience good sir.
Fer.
Patience in tortures?
Doct.
Helpe here sodainly!
Enter Servants.
Fer.
Do you sally forth in troupes? Have I no troupe?
Give me my horse and armes, and come a hundred.
Doct.
Wee'l arme and horse you, since y'are so unruly,
Away with him into his Bed-chamber.
Fer.
O doe you make me then your Knight o' th' shire
A tun o' Wine for that. Shoulder your Knight, advance
your Knight, beare him out.
(Manent Men. sir Rap.
Al.
A Ferdinand, a Ferdinand, &c.
Men.
This now to me is Musick, Golden chimes
That rings all in with an assur'd advantage,
How now Sir Raphael! Frighted?
Ra.
In all my disputations all my travailes,
And all conspiracies that have bin had
Aagainst me, never met I an incounter
By man, or spirit that I feard so much,
Yet here's another fury.
Enter Strangelove.
Str.
By what oppression or tiranny (for Law
Confiscated or usurp'd, and I become your slave?
Men.
How Madam?
Str.
Your slave, lay your commands on mee, what
drudgery doe you appoint me to?
Ra.
Shee's mad too.
Men.
Did not your Ladyship give way?
Str.
To make my house a hell?
The noyse of Bedlem is soft Musick to 't.
Could your Projectorship find no house else
To make a mad-man madder in but mine?
And me as mad as he too with the trouble.
Men.
I was no principle in't good Madam.
Exit.
Str.
Was it your plot then sir Philosophaster,
That so you might under pretext of reading
Philosophy to him, to cure his madnesse
Make your adresse to me to prosequte
Your Love-suite when I thought I had answer'd you,
But if you must proceede, o'recome me if you can,
Yet let me warne you to take heede withall
You pull not a disease unto you, that may
By your ungovern'd hast post into
Your grave: for I shall prove a torment to you,
Though you'l take no denyall, take yet a warning.
Ra.
I take it to forsake your house; and never
More to resort where madnesse raigner. Did I
Make love to you?
Str.
Pardon mee vertuous sir, it is my love to you
that tortures mee into this wild distraction. O sir
Raphael.
Ra.
Now vertue guide me. I will shun this place
More then I would the Spanish Inquisition.
Str.
I shall in time be rid of all such Guests,
And have the liberty of mine owne house
With mine own company, and to mine own ends
Where are you Phil? I were but dead if I had not this
wench to foole withall sometimes.
Enter Phil.
Phil.
Madam.
Str.
I must be a little serious with you, shut the
dore.
Phi.
Now am I call'd into correction,
When shee is vext and wants the company
Shee likes, then come I into question,
'Tis common among Ladies with their women.
Str.
Why that down looke, as if you meant to fetch
An answer, or excuse out of your Apron-strings
Before you are charged or question'd? what new fault
Has past of late?
Phi.
Doe you read any Madam
Upon my face or lookes? I never was in love
Much with my face, nor ever hated it. But if I thought
It had upon't, or in it, any trespasse
Against your Ladyship (my heart being cleare)
These Nayles should claw it out.
Teare.
Str.
Nay be not passionate Phil. I know you cannot
Forget the care I have had of you; nor should you
Distrust me in the promises I have made you,
Bearing your selfe according to your covenant Phil,
Of which one Article is to laugh with me.
Ph.
Go, you are such a Lady, ha, ha, ha.
Str.
Now thou comst to me wench: hadst forgot?
Phi.
You said you would be serious.
Str.
Dost not thou know my seriousnesse is to laugh in private,
And that thou art bound to stir that humour in me?
There's but two things more condition'd in thy service;
To do what I bid thee, and tell me the truth
In all things that I aske thee.
Phi.
I Madam, you had never known that same
else.
Of the clap thou hadst i'the Countrey e're I took thee,
But hast thou faithfully kept thine own e're since?
Phi.
Yes most severely Madam on your promise—
Str.
Well we will have a husband then to solder up
the old crack,
Your sweete-heart Cit-wit makes most suite to you,
And has a good Estate, and wit enough
Too for a husband, and a handsome person.
Phi.
I finde no fault in all that. But he is
So base a coward, that he may be soone
Beaten out of his wit and money.
Str.
But if he should prove valiant!
Phi.
If he were valiant now I could say something,
But to wait for growing to't were such a losse of time.
Str.
What say to Swayn-wit?
Phi.
Hee's the others extreame. I might feare him but
never love him.
Str.
What think you of my speciall favorite Mr. Court-wit?
Phi.
As of a Courtier Madam, that has tasted
So much of all waters, that when he has a fountaine of his owne
Hee'l be too jealous of it.
And feard that every man will drink of's cup
When perhaps none dares touch it, were I it.
Str.
What say to Dainty then the curious Limner?
Phi.
I am bound from lying. Madam hee's the man.
Str.
Well i'le take thy cause in hand wench: But yet
we are not merry. I am inclin'd most jovially to mirth
me thinks. Pray Jove some good be towards. Laugh or
i'le pinch you, till you doe.
Phi.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, Madam, ha, ha, ha. O the picture
drawer! ha, ha, ha.
Str.
I, come, the Picture drawer.
Phi.
O, I love drawing and painting, as no Lady better,
professe it. And shall I tell all Madam?
Str.
By all meanes Phil.—now shee's enter'd.
Phil.
I hope I am handsome enough too. For I have
heard that Limners or Picture-drawers, doe covet to
have the fairest and best featur'd wives, (or if not wives,
Mistresses) that they can possibly purchace, to draw
naked Pictures by, as of Diana, Venus, Andromeda, Leda,
or the like, either vertuous or lascivious; whom they
make to sit or stand naked in all the severall postures, and
to lie as many wayes to helpe their art in drawing, who
knowes how I may set his fancy a worke? and with modesty
enough. We were all naked once, and must be so
againe. I could sit for the naked Shepherdesse, with
one Leg over the tother Knee, picking the Thorne
out of her Foote most neatly, to make the Satyre peepe
under.
Str.
Well thou shalt have him.
Boy.
Mistris Philomel.
Within.
Str.
Let in the Boy. Now sir your newes?
Boy.
The mad Knights Doctor Madam intreats to
speake with you.
Str.
Now seekes he my assistance in his cure.
Boy.
And Mr. Court wit, and the other Gentlemen are
below.
Str.
Goe you and entertaine the Gentlemen, while
I consult with the Doctor, let him enter.
Now Mr. Doctor! you come to aske my counsell I
know for your impatient Patient. But let me tell you
first, the most learned Authors, that I can turne over; as
Dioscorides, Avicen, Galen, and Hyppocrates are much
discrepant in their opinions concerning the remedies for
his disease.
Doct.
Madam—
Therefore I trust you'l pardon my weaknesse, if
my opinion jumps not altogether with your judgement.
Doc.
Madam, my purpose was not—
Str.
My purpose is to advise you though, that, if his
Frenzie proceed from love as you conjecture, that you
administer of the rootes of Hellebore, destill'd together
with Salt peter, and the flowers of blind Netles, I'le give
you the proportions, and the quantity is to take.
Doc.
Mistake not me good Madam—
Str.
But if his Malady grow out of ambition, and his
over weening hopes of greatnesse (as I conjecture) then
he may take a top of Cedar, or an Oake-apple is very
soveraigne with the spirit of Hempseed.
Do.
Madam, I seeke no counsell in this case, my cunning
is—
Str.
To let me know, that that part of my house which
I allow you is too little for you.
Do.
Shee's surely mad.
Str.
But you must claime possession of the rest,
You are come to warne me out on't; are you not?
Doc.
Mistake not so good Madam.
Str.
Or do you call my attendance on his person, by
way of a Nurse-keeper? I can do little service.
Doc.
For my part Madam I am sorry we are made
the trouble of your house, and rather wish me out on't
then your favour. But if your Ladyship will bee
pleas'd to entertaine with patience the little I have
to say.
Stra.
Come to it quickly then.
Doc.
First, let me tell you Madam, as 'tis manifest
You were the cause of his distraction,
Y'are bound in charity to yeild such meanes
(With safety of your honor and estate)
As you may render for his restoration
VVhich of all the earthly meanes depends on you
Str.
Come to the point, you'ld have me visit him.
Doc.
True Madam: for a sight of you, shall more
Allure his reason to him, then all medicine
Can be prescrib'd.
Str.
By your favour sir, you say
Saving my honor and estate I am bound,
But may I with the safety of my Life,
And limbes and a whole skin dare venture.
Doc.
My life o' that.
Str.
You might more safely lay
Lives of a hundred Patients.
Doc.
Now hee's calme,
Now shall he see you, but at most secure
And modest distance.
Str.
Come for once i'le trust you.
Exit.
Enter Swayn-wit, and Cit-wit.
Sw.
Come out into the Garden here; and let them
talke within. I say he shall talke with her; and his belly
full, and doe with her too, her belly full, for all thou:
an honest discreet Gentleman, and thou a coward and a
cockscombe. Besides he has an art and quality to live
upon, and maintaine her Lady-like, when all thy money
may be gone. And yet thou prat'st o' thy two thousand
pound at use, when thou and thy money too are but an
asse and's load tho'.
Cit.
Well, you may speake your pleasure. This is no
cause to fight for.
Sw.
I'le make thee fight, or promise to fight with me, or
somebody else before we part, or cut thee into pieces.
Enter Court-wit.
Cou.
But tell me seriously dost thou love my Ladies
woman so well as to marry her, and suffer the Picture-drawer
now to court her privately, and perhaps to draw
and carry her from thee?
Why he here will have it so you see, and pull'd
mee out.
Sw.
It is to doe a cure upon thee, coward.
Cit.
Coward! pish! a common Name to men in buffe
and feather. I scorne to answer to't.
Sw.
Why dost thou weare a Sword? only to hurt
mens feet that kick thee?
Cou.
Nay you are too severe.
Sw.
Pray hold your peace. I'le jowle your heads together,
and so beat ton with tother else. Why dost thou
were a Sword I say?
Cit.
To fight when I see cause.
Cou.
Now he sayes something, yet, and may be curable.
Sw.
What is a cause to fight for?
Cit.
I am not to tell you that sir, It must be found out
and given me before I ought to take notice.
Cou.
You may safely say for Religion, King or
Countrey.
Sw.
Darst thou fight for Religion? say.
Cit.
Who that has any Religion will fight I say?
Sw.
I say thou hast none. Speake, hast thou any?
Cit.
Truly, in this wavering world I know not how to
answer.
Sw.
La you. Hee'l say he has no King neither, rather
then fight.
Cou.
Why if he will not fight for him he is no Subject,
and no Subject no King.
Cit.
I thanke you sir, I would ha' said so.
Sw.
O thou wouldst make a speciall Souldier now!
Cit.
Well sir, all are not choyce doggs that run, some
are taken in to make up the cry.
Sw.
And for thy Countrey I dare sweare thou wouldst
rather run it then fight for't.
Cit.
Run my Countrey I cannot, for I was borne i'the
City. I am no clown to run my Countrey.
Darst thou tell me of clowns thou cockney chicken-hearted
whelp thou?
Cit.
Forbeare good sir, there are countrey Gentlemen
as well as clownes, and for the rank I honour you.
Sw.
Sirrah you lie, strike me for that now; or I will
beat thee abhominably.
Cou.
Up to him man: wilt thou suffer all?
Cit.
I would—but—
Sw.
You lie I say againe.
Cit.
I thinke I doe, I thinke I doe, and why should I
maintaine an evill cause?
Sw.
The wench thou lov'st and doatest on is a whore.
Cit.
Sir, if she be 'tis not my fault, nor hers: somebody
else made her so then I warrant you. But should another
man tell me so!
Sw.
What then?
Cit.
I would say as much to him as to you. Nor indeed
is any mans report of that a sufficient cause to provoke
mee unlesse shee her selfe confess'd it, and then it
were no cause at all.
Sw.
Here's a true City wit now.
Cit.
I should have wit sir, and am acounted a wit
within the walls. I am sure my Father was Master of
his company, and of the wisest company too i'the city.
Cou.
What company's that?
Cit.
The Salters sir. For sal sapit omnia you know.
Sw.
Your Father was a cuckold tho', and you the Son
of a whore.
Cou.
Fight now or you'l die infamous, was your Mother
a whore?
Sw.
Deny't and darst, say, was she not?
Cit.
Comparatively shee might be in respect of some
holy woman, the Lady Ramsey, Mistris Katherine Stubbs
and such, ha, ha. Is that a cause?
Cou.
What! not to say your Mother was a whore?
He may say his pleasure, It hurts her not: shee is
dead and gone. Besides, at the best shee was but a woman,
and at the worst shee might have her frailties
like other women. And is that a cause for mee to
fight for the dead, when wee are forbidden to pray
for 'em?
Cou.
But were your Mother living now, what would
you say or doe?
Cit.
Why, I would civilly ask her if she were a whore?
If she confess'd it, then he were in the right, and I ought
not to fight against him: for my cause were naught. If
she deny'd it, then he were in an error, and his cause were
naught, and I would not fight, 'twere better he should
live to repent his errour.
Sw.
Nay, now if I do not kill thee let me be hang'd
for idlenesse.
Draw.
Cit.
Hold I am unprepar'd.
Sw.
I care not—unlesse thou sweare presently, and
without all equivocation upon this sword—
Cit.
Scabberd and all I pray sir, The cover of the book
is allowd in courts to sweare upon.
Sw.
Well sir, now you shall sweare to challenge the
next that wrongs you.
sheathes it.
Cit.
Yes, if the wrong give me sufficient cause.
Cou.
Cause agen! suppose that fellow within should
take your wench from you? which very likely he has done
already: for I left 'em close on a couch together Kissing
and—
Cit.
Gi' me the booke, i'le have her from him, or him
from her if he be without her belly, or Kill him if he be
within her.
Sw.
Tis well a cause may be found at last tho'.
Cou.
I like a man, whom neither Lie, Kick, Battoune,
scandall, Friends, or Parents, the wrongs of Countrey,
King or Religion can move, that will, yet, fight for his
I see.
Sw.
A wench is a moving cause:
Str.
Helpe, helpe, here helpe—ha—
Unseen Above.
Sw.
Why dost not draw and run in upon 'em?
Cit.
After you I will sir.
Sw.
A pox upon thee art thou down agen?
Cit.
No sir, I am drawn you see.
Str.
Help, help, a rape, a rape, murder, help!
(Draw all
Sw. Cou.
Tis time to fly then.
Enter Dainty (his sword drawne) and Philomel.
Cit.
I come my Philomel.
Cou.
What's the matter Phil?
Dai.
What cry was that?
Sw.
Was it not you that caus'd it sir?
Phi.
Was it not here?
Cit.
Was it not you that cry'd?
Str.
Is there helpe, helpe, helpe?
Above.
Phi.
O tis my Lady in the Madmans chamber. Is her
mirth come to this?
Sw.
Where, which way?
Phi.
Here, here the dore's made fast.
(Exe. omnes
Sw.
I'le breake it open.
(Pret. Cit. his sword drawn.
Doc.
Help here, help the Lady; help the Lady.
(Doctor looks out above.
Cit.
We are a comming, you shall have help
enough
I warrant, what's the matter? you shall not lack
for help—
(Florish his sword.
Fer.
Away Medusa. Hence, thou hast transformd
me. Stone, stone, I am all stone. Bring morter and make
a bul-wark of me.
Above unseen
Cit.
O that's the Mad-man! How madly he talkes!
Fer.
Hold me not down.
Cit.
Stones to make a bul-warke quoth a! If he had
were thumpers I thinke.
Fer.
Hold me not down, but reare me up, and make me
my own statue.
Enter Strangelove, Swain-wit, Court-wit, Dainty. Phil.
Str.
Was ever such a practice?
Cou.
A meere accident of madnesse.
Str.
I say it was a practise in the Doctor.
Dai.
Yet he calld out for help.
Str.
You had broke up the dore first. That was but to
colour his trechery.
Sw.
A new way, and a very learned one I promise
you; to cure madnesse with a plaister of warme Lady-gutts.
Cit.
He would ha' had a mad bout with my Lady it
seemes. He would ha' vented his madnes into her. And
she could ha' drawn better then the Leaches.
Cou.
If you believe this Madam, tho' sir Ferdinand be
by his madnesse excusable in the attempt, you ought to
be reveng'd upon the Doctor.
Sw.
Let's cut him into pieces Madam.
Str.
I'le think upon some way to make him a dreadfull
example to all the Pandarean Doctors i' the Towne.
Come in Gentlemen, and helpe mee with your advices.
Cit.
You shall want no advise Madam. No strength,
Let's goe sir.
(He snatcheth Phil. from Dainty, who took her by the arm.
Ph.
What mean you Mr. Cit-wit?
Cit.
I have sworne. Therefore I say no more, but I
have sworne.
Exeunt Omnes.
| The Court Begger | |