Fortune by Land and Sea :: :: University of Virginia Library

Then beleeve my brother Phillip has married Mistresse Susan.
I saw them in the Church together; I heard them pronounce the words
together, whether it be better or worse for them I know not, but they
are in for better and worse, that I am sure.

Old Hard.

As sure as thou art certain this is true, so sure He disinherit
the proud boy: and all the Magazin that I enjoy, devide 'tween you
my sons.

John

Not all Father, alass allow him some smal legacy to live on.

Will:

If't be but a cast Farm, or some poor Cottage rather then nothing,
it may be hee'l content himself with a little, you know somewhat
hath some favour.

Old Hard:

He that hath set me and my love at nothing Ile leave him
worth as little.

Anne

Chide him you may, but yet not cast him off; For Fathers
ought most chastise where they love; Parents as I have read, their
rage should hide where children fall through weaknesse, not through
pride.

Old Hard:
They are none such to me, my vow is past,
My life may fade, but yet my will shall last.

Enter Philip and Susan.
Will.

See where the four bare legs that belong to a bed come, I could
almost pity him.

Jack

And why pity him, all the while that marriage is the first step
to our making?

Phil:

See Sir 'tis done

Old Hard.

And thou undone.

Phil:

In losing your kind favour more undone then in your casual
wealth.

Old Hard.

By all that I enjoy.

Phil.

Oh swear not, spare that oath, Ile credit you, although you
speak but mildely.

Old Hard:

So thrive I, if for this marriage made in dispight of me I
make thee partner of any substance that's accounted mine.

Phil:

Not made in spight of you, unsay that language, and then you
chide me truely as I live. And though on earth by your disherited hope
to be heir to heaven; I matcht with her in sincere love, but in no spleen
to you, though you have sworn to give my fortunes from me; you have
not sworn to reave me of your love, that let me have, let others take
the land.

Old Hart.

My love goes with my land, and in this marriage thou hast
lost both.

Phil.

Your substance I despise, but to lose that draws rivers from my
eyes.

Anne

Oh bear a soft and more relenting soul, and look upon the
vertues of your sonne, this Gentlewomans birth.

Old Hard.

Wife, wife, if he have married her for birth, then let her
birth maintain him.

Anne

My kind sons speak to your fath.

Will:

Alass Mother, you hear my Father hath sworn, and do you
love him, and would make him break's oath.

John

Ingage his soul, that were a wives part indeed.

Will:

As I live I would not wish him now he has sworn to alter his
minde in the least circumstance, for more then Ile speak.

Phil:

I am a kinder son then you be brothers, have you renounc't me
for your son?

Old Hard.

I have.

John

You see he has.

Phil:

You have not yet renounc't me for your servant, that title let
me bear, Ile be your man, and wear your Livery, since my poverty inforces
me to serve, let it be you.

Will.

Grant him that good Father, when you want imployment for
him, I may sometimes have occasion to use him my selfe.

John

A reasonable motion, you want a serving-man, since you must
hire one on force, as good him as another.

Phil:

He wants a Maid too, let him hire this woman, his servant not
his daughter, give us but as you would do to strangers we are pleased.

Will.

The motion's not amisse, can you milk sweet heart.

Susan

I can.

Will:

And sweep a house, serve a hog, grope a hen, feel a duck, wash
and wring.

Susan

what I have used, my soft hand best can shew, but what I cannot
Ile be glad to learn.

John

A good willing mind in troth, and can you bake and brew?

Susan

I shal be easily taught.

John.

Y'ad best look too't, for as you brew, so y'are like to drink.

Old Hard.

Sirrah, sirrah, can you hold the plough and thrash, sow,
reap, load a cart, drive a Teem.

Phil.

These or what else Ile practice.

Old Hard.

Come then of with these gay cloaths, no habit's fit for
hyndes; help boys to suit them as their fortunes are; go search in the
clowns wardrobe.

Will.

Fear not wee'l fit 'em as wel as if we had tane measure of 'em.

Anne

To see this misery with such patience born, makes me to pity
where these others scorn.

John

Here Sir is that wil serve the turn if you employ him in the corn
fields, Ile warrant him fright the birds, here's that wil make him look
like a scarecrow.

Will.

And here's that will change the coppy of her case, though not
of her countenance.

Old Hard.

Too good for drudges, live now by your sweat, and at
your labour make account to eat.

Phil.

Here's but a sorry wedding day.

Susan

My sweet Philip that thou shouldst suffer these extreams for
me, onely for me.

Phil.

Let that betwixt my soule and thine be witnesse of my constant
love; Alass for thee that thou must drudge and toyl, and having been
a Mistress all thy life, must now become a servant.

Ent. Clown.
Clow.

This being the wedding day of my Masters eldest Son, I expect
rare cheer. As first, the great spic'd Cake to go in, Cake-bread
fashion, drawn out with Currans, the Jealious Formety must put on his
yellow hose agen, and hot Pies come mincing after, the boyl'd Mutton
must swim in a River of stew'h broth, where the channel's made of
Prunes. Instead of peables, and prime reasons, and Currans in the
stead of checker stones and gravel, to omit Geese and Guls, Ducks and
Dotterels, Widgins and Woodcocks, of which there will be plenty. At
our wedding dinner we shall have the Bride in her tiffety taffeties most
sumptuous, and the Bridegroom as wel in brancht Sattin as brancht
Rosemary most couragious. Ile in and see them in all their beauty,
and give them the Joy, the boon Jour, the Besilus Manus, or to be more
vulgar to the Incpaable, the God give you good morrow.

Phil.

Good morrow fellow simkin.

Clow.

'Tis he, no, no, 'tis not he.

Sus.

Good simkin.

Clow.

Her face, the trick of her eye, her leer, her blink, her askue,
but to say it is she, Proh deum atque hominum fidem.

Phil.

Art thou amazed to see me thus transformed, or her thus alterd,
none but such a Father, such a remorseless and hard hearted Father,
could so translated his children.

Clown.

Oh Mr. Philip, I see your Father is no Scholer, but a meer
Dunce, I protest I never red a more vilde translation.

Sus.

Nor see so suddain and unmeet a change.

Clow.

O young Mistris, Ovids Metamorphosis could never show the
the like; but how comes this to passe, the manner, the manner, my heart
begins to condole, and my conduit pipes to open, we shall have a showre
presently; the manner?

Phil.

This morning having married my betrothed, for could I less do
having vowed so much? I came to him and most submissively entreated
pardon for my self and her.

Clow.

Kind young man—hold good heart.

Phil:

He presently reviles us, then renounc'd us, nor would he give
us, should he see us starve and famish at his gate, no not a crust of his
hindes bread, or of his smallest beer not a bare crusful should we dye for
thirst.

Clow:

'Twil out, 'twil out, but now for the apparel.

Sus:

When he renounc'd us for his children, we had no meanes reserved
unless with baseness to beg our victuals, were resolved to work,
so he at our entreaty hired us both to be his hindes and drudges.

Clow:

Your apron good Mistris, and so and so, you were stript out of
your silks and sattens, and forc'd to put on these russets and sheepskins.

Phil:

Even so.

Clow:

O most tyrannical old Fornicator (old Master I would say)
Well since 'tis so, no more young Master, but fellow servant; no more
Master Philip but Phil; here's my hand Ile do two mens la bours in one
to save you a labour, and to spare your shoulders Ile help at many a
dead lift: Come Ile go teach ye hayte and ree, gee and whoe, and which
is to which hand; next Ile learn you the name of all our Teeme, and
acquaint you with Jocke the fore-horse, and Fibb the fil-horse, and with
all the godamercy fraternity.

Sus:
Succeed it as heaven please.

Phil.
What must be, must be, heaven hath set it down,
At which they smile, why should we mortals frown?

Clow:
To see so brave a Gentleman turn Clown.

Exeunt.