The History of Philosophy ... By Thomas Stanley. Containing those on whom the Attribute of VVise was conferred |
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| THE CLOVDS of Aristophanes.
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 | The History of Philosophy |  |
67
THE CLOVDS of Aristophanes.
Added (not as a Comicall divertisement for the Reader, who can expect little in that kind from a subject so antient, and particular, but) as a necessary supplement to the life of Socrates.
Act 1.
Scen. 1.
Strepsiades, Phidippides, Servant.Streps.
Oh, oh,
Great Jove, how long a night is this, how endlesse!
Will't neer be day? I heard the Cock again,
Yet still my servantssnore; 'tis but of late
They durst do thus: curse o'this war that awes me,
And will not suffer me to beat the Rogues.
My good Son sleeps too, wrapt ore head and ears:
Well, let me try to bear them company;
Alasse, I cannot, so perplext and tortur'd
With charges, bills for Horse-meat, interest:
All for this hopefull Son, who in's curl'd locks,
Aides matches, keeps his Coach, and dreames of Horses,
Whilst I (unhappy!) see th'unwelcome Moon
Bring on the Quarter day, and threaten use-mony.
Boy, snuffe the light, bring my account-book hither,
That I may summe my debts and interest:
Let's see, twelve pound to Pasia; ha! twelve pound
To Pasia, how laid out? to buy Coppatia:
Would I had paid this eye for him.
Phid.
Hold Philo,
You'r out of the way, begin again.
Strep.
I this,
This is the misery that ruines me;
His very sleeps are taken up with Horses.
Phid.
How many courses will the manage hold.
Streps.
Many a weary course thou leads thy Father:
But how much more owe I then this to Pasia?
68
Phid.
Go sirrah, take that horse and turn him out.
Streps.
I thou hast turned me out of all my means,
Charges at Law will eat me up, my Creditours
Threaten to sue me to an execution.
Phid.
Why do you wake all night, and tosse so Father?
Streps.
I cannot sleep, the Scrivener doth so bite me.
Phid.
Yet let me rest a little longer.
Streps.
Do so.
All these will one day light upon thy head,
Curs'd be the houre when I first saw thy Mother,
I liv'd before most sweetly in the Country,
Well stock't with Sheep and Bees, Olives and Grapes,
Till from the Megaclean house I took
This Neece of Megacles out of the City,
Well fashion'd, highly bred, and richly cloathed;
We married, as I said, and lay together:
I smelling strong of Drugs and greasie Wool;
But she of Unguents, Crocus wanton Kisses,
Of vain expence, dainties, and luxury;
I will not tell the idle life she led,
And yet she spun that I have often told her,
Showing this Coat, you spin a fair thread woman.
Serv.
Sir, all the Oyle ith' Lamp is wasted.
Streps.
Ha?
Why didst thou put in such a Drunken week?
If thou wert neer me I would beat thee.
Ser.
Why Sir?
Streps.
Because the week is thicker then the oyl.
Well, at last my good Wife and I betwixt us got
At last this Son; about his name we differ'd;
Shee'd have it something that belong'd to horses,
Callippides, Xanthippus, or Charippus;
I from his Grandfather) Phidonides.
Long time we wrangled thus, at last agreed
He should be called Phidippides; this Son
She takes, and stroaking kindly, thus instructs him,
“When thou art grown a man, frequent the City,
“Follow the fashion, keep a Coach and Horses,
“Like Megacles thy Uncle. No, said I,
“Go in a homely Coat, and drive thy Goats
“Into Phelleus, as thy father doth.
But my advice prevailed so little on him,
That now he wasts my means in keeping horses,
Which all this night I have been thinking how
To remedy, and now have found the way;
To which could I perswade him, I were happy.
69
Phid.
Your will Sir.
Streps.
Kisse me, give me thy hand.
Phid.
Here Sir.
Streps.
Dost love me?
Phid.
By Neptune God of Horses.
Streps.
Do not name
That God, for 'tis from him springs all my sorrow:
But if thou lov'st me truly, heartily,
O son be rul'd.
Phid.
In what should I be rul'd?
Streps.
Change without more delay thy course of life,
And do as I would have thee.
Phid.
What is that?
Streps.
But wilt thou do it?
Phid.
Yes by Bacchus will I.
Streps.
Come hither then, seest thou that little dore?
That is the Phrontistherium of wise soules,
Of learned men, that tell us Heaven's an Oven,
And we the Coles inclosed in the wide arch,
They, if we give 'em but a little mony,
Will teach us gain all causes, right or wrong.
Phid.
Who can these be?
Streps.
Their names I know not good
They are, and busied in continuall study.
Phid.
Oh now I know the wretches that you mean,
The meager, wan, proud, bare-foot, begging fellowes,
Whose evill Geniuss's are Socrates
And Chærephen.
Streps.
Peace, talk no more so idly;
If you'l obey a father, let me see you
Give ore your horses, and turn one of these.
Phid.
Not I, by Bacchus, no though you should tempt me
With all Leogoras his breed of Racers.
Streps.
Dear son be rul'd and learn.
Phid.
What should I learn?
Streps.
'Tis said they have two tongues, and one of them
Able to prove any injustice reason;
Couldst thou but learn that language, we were made,
And might dispute our stubborn Creditours
Out of the debts I have incurr'd for thee;
They get not then a penny more then words.
Phid.
I cannot do't, were I so lean and Pale,
I durst not look a Jocky in the face.
Streps.
By Ceres then you stay with me no longer,
You, nor your Coach-horse, nor your Samphoras,
70
My Uncle Megacles will neither see
Me nor my horses want, so long I care not.
Exit.
Scene 2.
Strepsiades, Scholar.Streps.
Though I have fail'd, i'l not give over thus,
But say my prayers, and go my self to school
To learn this Art: but how can I, by Age
Dull and forget full, reach such subtleties?
Yet on I will, why should I doubt? ho, friend.
Schol.
A mischief on you, who's that knocks at dore?
Streps.
Strepsiades, Cecinnian Phædo's Son.
Schol.
'Twas rudely done to knock so hard, y'have made
My labouring brain miscarry of a Notion.
Streps.
Forgive me, I was bred far off ith' Country:
But pray what notion was't that prov'd abortive?
Schol.
'Tis lawfull to discover that tonone
But fellow-scholars.
Streps.
Then you may tell me,
For I come hither to be one of you.
Schol.
I will; so will value't as a mysterie.
Socrates t'other day ask'd Chærephon
How many of her feet a flea could leap,
For one by chance had bit Chærephons eyebrow,
And leap'd from thence upon the head of Socrates.
Streps.
How could he measure this?
Schol.
Most dexterously.
Both feet oth' flea he dipt in melting wax,
Which strait congeals to shooes; these he plucks off,
And with them most exactly measures it.
Streps.
Great Jupiter, how subtle are these wits!
Schol.
If you shouldst hear their other speculations,
You would say so indeed.
Streps.
Pray what was that?
Schol.
This Charæphon the Sphettian ask'd him once,
If a Gnat sounded from her mouth or tail.
Streps.
And what said he?
It had a strait thin gut,
At end of it a bladder, into which
The air being forc'd, sounded in breaking forth.
Streps.
Then I perceive that a gnat's tail's a Trumpet;
How blest is this Anatomist of Gnats!
Sure he can hide himself from purblind justice,
That knows so well these dark intestine waies.
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Come open me your Phrontisterium,
And quickly let me see this Socrates,
I long to learn, open the dore,—O Hercules
What strange beasts have we here!
Schol.
Why do you wonder?
Whom do they look like think you?
Streps.
Like the poor
Lacedæmonian Captives tane at Pylus.
Why look they so intently on the ground?
These seek out things that appertain to Earth!
Oh they seek leeks; trouble your selves no more friends,
For I know better where are good and great ones.
Schol.
Come let's go in.
Streps.
Let's stay a while and talk with 'em.
Schol.
No, no, they cannot long endure the air.
Streps.
What's this, for Heavens sake say?
Schol.
This is Astronomy.
Streps.
And this?
Schol.
Geometry.
Strop.
But what is't good for?
Schol.
To measure land:
Streps.
What, arable or pasture?
Schol.
No, the whole Earth.
Streps.
A pretty jest indeed.
That were a mighty help to husbandmen.
Schol.
Here's all the world, and this is Athens.
Streps.
How?
I'l scarce believe that, what's become oth' Judges?
Where the Cicynians my Countymen?
Schol.
Here; this Eubæa; see how far 'tis stretch'd.
Streps.
I, almost stretch'd in pieces betwixt us,
And Pericles; and where is Lacedæmon?
Schol.
Here.
Strepss.
'Tis too nigh us, why, with all your skill
Do you not help to thrust it farther off.
Schol.
It is not possible.
Streps.
No? you will rue't then.
But what man's that hangs yonder in the basket?
Schol.
That's he.
Streps.
He, what he?
Schol.
Socrates.
Streps.
How, Socrates?
Call him.
Schol.
Call him your self, I'm not at leasure.
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Scene 3.
Strepsiades, Socrates.Streps.
Ho Socrates
Socr.
Why dost thou call me mortall?
Streps.
First I would gladly know what thou dost there?
Socr.
I walk ith' aire, and gaze upon the Sun.
Streps.
Why in a basket dost thou view the Gods,
Not from the ground?
Socr.
I could not elevate
My thoughts to contemplation of these mysteries,
Unlesse my Intellect were thus suspended,
Where my thin thoughts melt into air (their likeness)
Stood I upon the ground, I should find nothing,
Though I sought nere so strictly up and down,
For the magnetick vertue of the Earth
Would draw away the humour of my brain,
Just as we see in nose-smart.
Streps.
How, hows that?
Doth the brain draw the humour out of nose-smart?
Come down, sweet Socrates, and teach me quickly
The knowledge of those things for which I came.
Socr.
What camest thou for?
Streps.
To learn the art of speaking,
With debts and usury I'm torn in pieces
Tost up and down; forc'd to pawn all my goods:
Socr.
On what occasion did you run in debt?
Streps.
By horses eaten into this consumption;
And I would learn of you your other language
Which teacheth men to pay nothing: for which
By all the Gods i'l give you what you'l ask.
Socr.
By all what Gods? we do not here allow
Those Gods the City worships.
Streps.
How then swear you,
By copper farthings like the Byzantines?
Socr.
Wouldst thou be skilfull in divine affairs.
Streps.
By Jove (if any such there be) I would.
Socr.
You must be then acquainted with the Clouds,
Our reverend Goddesses.
Streps.
With all my heart.
Socr.
Sit down upon this Couch then
Streps.
Well.
Socr.
Now take
This Garland.
Streps.
Why a garland? alasse Socrates,
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Socr.
No, these are rites that every one performes
At his admission.
Streps.
But what shall I gain by?
Socr.
Thou shallt be made most voluble in speech,
A very rattle, bolting words as fine
As flower.
Streps.
Th'art right by Jove, I shall be powderd.
Socr.
silence old man, and listen to our prayer.
“Great King, unbounded air, whose armes are hurld
“About the surface of this pendant world,
“Bright Æther, reverend Clouds, that from your Spheas
“Thunder and lightning dart, rise and appear.
Streps.
Not yet, not yet, till I have wrapt my selfe
Close in my Cloak, lest I be wet: twas ill
That I forgat to bring my Riding hood.
Socr.
“Your power, great Clouds, make to this suppliant known
“Whether now seated on Olympus Throne,
“Or whether you your sacred revells keep
“In the wide Gardens of your Sire the deep:
“Or of his flowing Christall seaven-mouth'd Nile,
“In golden Ewers wantonly beguile:
“Or in Mauritian marshes keep your Court;
“Or on the snowy top of Mimas sport.
“Come, to our servant vowes propitious be;
“Grace with your presence our solemnitie.
“We humid fleeting Deities,
“The bright unbounded clouds thus rise
“From our old Sire, the grumbling Flood,
“Above the tallest hill or wood,
“To those high watch-towers, whence we may
“The hallowed fruitfull-ground survey;
“Rivers that in soft murmurs glide,
“And the lowd sea's rebellious tide;
“From thence heavens restlesse eye displaies
“The splendour of his glorious raies,
“Chasing all dusky mists, that we
“In shapes divine may mortalls see.
Socr.
Thanks reverend Clouds for favouring thus our prayer.
Did you not hear'm speak in Thunder to us?
Streps.
Great Clouds, I worship too, but am so frighted,
I scarce can hold from answering your Thunder.
Socr.
Jest not profanely in such sacred rites:
Peace, for the swarm of Goddesses come singing.
Chor.
“Come virgin Mistresses of showers,
“Let's visit Pallas pregnant bowers,
74
“Where shines the Eleusinian Fane,
“Where are the most retir'd aboads,
“Statues and Temples of the Gods:
“Where Altars blaze with Incense, where
“The holy-day lasts all the year;
“Where the brisk Craces every spring,
“And youths with virgins dance and sing.
Streps.
Tell me good Socrates, what things are these
That speak so finely? are they Ladies?
Socr.
No,
They're Clouds, the Deities of idle men;
From these we have our sense, discourse, and reason,
Our high Capriccio's, and elaborate whimseys.
Streps.
My soul, me thought, did leap, while they were speaking,
And now most subtly would dispute of smoak,
Sharply confute opinion with opinion:
Oh how I long to see them once again.
Socr.
Look yonder towards Parnes, look how gently
They glide to earth.
Streps.
Where? show me.
Socr.
See in sholes
They creep into the Caverns of the Mountain.
Streps.
What things are these? I cannot yet behold 'em.
Socr.
There in the entrance look.
Streps.
Yet I scarce see them.
Socr.
Either thou seest them now, or thou art blind.
Streps.
I do by Jove, great Clouds, for you hold all!
Socr.
Didst thou not know these Deities before?
Streps.
Not I, I thought them only mists and vapours:
Socr.
Thou knewest not then those who maintain the Sophists.
Streps.
If these be Clouds, how comes it that they look
Like women? for the Clouds have no such shape.
Socr.
No, what shape have they then?
Streps.
I know not justly;
They look like flying fleeces, but by Jove,
Nothing at all like women; these have noses.
Socr.
Answer to what I ask.
Streps.
Ask me quickly.
Socr.
Didst ere behold a Cloud shap'd like a Centaure,
A Leopard, Bull, or Wolfe?
Streps.
I have, what then?
Socr.
The Clouds can take what form they list, as when
They see a hairy fellow curl'd like Clitus,
They mock his madnesse in a Centaures shape.
Streps.
And when they see one that defrauds or plunders
The Common-wealth, like Sinon, what then do they?
75
They do resemble him, turn ravenous wolves,
This was the reason yesterday, when they
Beheld Cleonymus, they fled like deer:
And seeing Clisthenes are now turn'd women.
Streps.
Great Queens, if you ere design to speak to mortalls,
Make me acquainted with your rumbling voice.
Chor.
“All hail old man, who dost on wisdome prey,
“And thou the Priest of subtle trifles say,
“What wouldst thou have with us, to none but thee,
“Of all the Meteor Sophists thus stoop we;
“Save Prodicus, to him as grave and wise,
“To thee, because thou walkst upright, thy eyes
“Rowling on every side, thy look severe
“And barefoot many miseries dost bear.
Streps.
Good heavens, what voice is this, how strange & stately.
Socr.
These are our Goddesses, the rest are toyes.
Streps.
Is then Olympian Jove no Deity?
Socr.
What Jove? there's no such thing; meer fancy.
Streps.
How?
Whence then proceeds all rain?
Socr.
Only from these.
Didst thou ere see a shower without them? take
The Clouds away, and heaven must rain fair weather.
Streps.
By Phœbus thou hast cleer'd it well, till now
I thought Jove made water through a sive.
But whence comes thunder? when I'me sick, that frights me,
These thunder as they tumble up and down.
How can that be?
Socr.
When they are full of water,
By their own weight, driven upon one another,
They roar and break.
Streps.
But who is it that drives them,
Is not that Jove?
Socr.
No, an ætheriall whirlewind.
Streps.
A whirle-wind, hum! I knew not that til now.
But whence comes lightning then, that glittering fire
Which terrifies and burns us? Jupiter
Useth to dart this down on perjur'd men.
Socr.
And how (thou phlegmatick, dull Saturnine,)
If darted on the perjur'd, how comes Sinon,
Theorus, and Cleonymus to 'scape it?
No, his own Temple, or the Sunian Promontory,
Or sturdy Oakes he strikes, did they ere wrong him?
Did the Oak ere forswear it selfe?
Streps.
I know not:
That which you say seems reasons; but what then
Is lightning?
76
When the winds are shut up close,
They swell the clouds like bladders, and at last
Break out with violence and horrid noises;
And by contrition kindle one another.
But thou who searchest amongst us for wisdom,
How happy wilt thou be above all Græcians
If thou conceive well, and remember, and
Canst suffer much, and never wilt be tir'd
Standing or walking, nor have sense of frost,
Nor care for dyning, and refrain from wine,
From exercises, and all other toyes.
Streps.
O for a solid soul restlesse with cares,
Sparing, self-torturing, one that can feast
Upon a dish of herbes, you never could
Be better fitted; a meer an vile I.
Socr.
Dost thou believe no Gods but those we teach,
The Chaos, Clouds and Tongue, onely these three.
Streps.
I'l not so much as speak of any other,
Much lesse bestow an offering on their Altars.
Chor.
“Say boldy then, say what is thy request,
“For if thou honour us thou shalt be blest.
Streps.
Great Queens I sue for a small matter, that
I may out-talk all Greeks a hundred furlongs.
Chor.
“To thee alone this gift we will allow,
“None speak such mighty sentences as Thou.
Streps.
I do not care for mighty sentences,
But subtle ones to cheat my Creditours.
Chor.
“It is not much thou askst, and shalt obtain it,
“Learn of our Ministers and thou shalt gain it.
Streps.
I shall, relying on your promise; forc'd
By want, Coppatia and a lucklesse match.
Now let'em use me as they list, beat, starve me,
Burn, freeze, or flea me, so I scape my debts:
I care not though men call me impudent,
Smooth-tongu'd, audacious, petulant, abhominable,
Forger of words and lie, contentious Barretour,
Old, winding, bragging, testy, crafty fox.
Socr.
Said like a man of courage: if thou learn
Of me, thy fame shall spread wide as the Heavens.
Streps.
What shall I do?
Socr.
Thou shalt spend all thy time
With me; a life the happiest in the world.
Streps.
I long to see that day.
Socr.
Thy dore shall alwaies
Be throng'd with Clients that will come to thee
For Counsell, and discourse of cases worth
The wealth of kingdoms, to thy hearts desire.
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“Try this old man; first see if he be fit;
“Put him toth' test, and sound the depth of's wit.
Socr.
Come tell me now your disposition,
That when I know it I may fit my Machines
Accordingly.
Streps.
You will not undermine me.
Socr.
No, I would know if you have any memory.
Streps.
Yes, when another owes me any thing,
I can remember very well, but what
I owe my self, i'm ready to forget.
Socr.
Hast thou a naturall faculty in speaking
Streps.
No, I can mar words sooner far then make 'em.
Socr.
How wilt thou learn then?
Streps.
Fear me not, I tell you
Wel, when I make some learned deep discourse.
Socr.
You must be sure to catch't up presently.
Streps.
What must I snap at learning like a dog?
Socr.
This is a very fool, an unknown Clown;
I am afraid old man thou wilt need whipping.
What if thou shouldst be beaten?
Streps.
Then i'm beaten.
Socr.
But what wouldst do?
Streps.
I would take witnesse on't
And sue them on an action of Battery.
Socr.
Off with your Cloak.
Streps.
Why, how have I offended?
Socr.
No; but our orders admit none but naked.
Streps.
I came not hither to steal any thing.
Socr.
Down with your Cloak, why dost thou trifle.
Streps.
Now
Tell me if I prove apt and diligent,
Of all your schollars who shall I come nighest?
Socr.
Thou maist perhaps be like our Chærephon.
Streps.
Alasse, alasse! what an Anatomy?
Socr.
No, no: but if thou wilt be any thing,
Follow me without more delay.
Streps.
I want
A Cake for your Cerberus; I go me thinks
As if'twere into the Trophonian Cave.
Socr.
On, on, why stayst thou gazing at the dore.
Chor.
“Go, for thy courage blest whose aged mind
“To wisdom soars, and leaves the young behind.
Exeunt.
78
Act. 2.
Socrates, Strepsiades.Socr.
By Chaos, and this air I breath, I never
Met any thing so stupid as this fellow,
So clownish and oblivious; easie toyes
He learns, not half so fast as he forgets 'em,
I'l call him forth; what, ho, Strepsiades;
Come out and bring your bed along with you.
Str.
The fleas will hardly let me bring my self.
So.
Quick, down with't there; and mark what I say to you.
Str.
I'm ready.
So.
What have you most mind to learn,
Measures, or Verse, or Rhyme?
Str.
By all means measures;
For I was cheated by a Meal man lately
Two pecks.
So.
That's not the thing I demand;
I'de know which you conceive the fairest measure,
The Trimeter or the Tetrameter.
Str.
The fairest measure in my mind's a Bushell.
So.
'Tis nothing that you say.
Str.
What will you lay
That your Tetrameter holds not a Bushell.
So.
Away, away, how dull thou art, and blockish.
But thou wilt be perhaps more apt at Rime.
Str.
What help can rimes afford me in my meal.
So.
First they wil make thee pleasant in all company.
Then thou shalt know which suits with Anapæstick,
And which with Dacty les.
Str.
Dactiles? I know that sure.
So.
Why what's a Dactyle.
Str.
What, but this same finger,
'Thas been a Dactyle ere since I was a child.
So.
Th'art an unprofitable Dunce.
Str.
I care not
For learning these devices:
So.
What then wouldst thou?
Str.
That, that unjust and cheating Sophistry.
So.
But there are things that must be learnt before
You come to that; what Creatures are there Masculine.
Str.
Sure I know that or I were mad indeed.
A Ram, a Bull, a Goat, a Dog, a Pigeon.
79
See how thou err'st, that call'st both male and female
A Pigeon.
Str.
Right, by Neptune, how then must I?
So.
Call this a Cock, Pigeon, and that a Hen.
Str.
A Pigeon, Cock and Hen, ha! by this air,
For this sole document, I will replenish
Your Cardopus with meal.
So.
Again th'art wrong;
Thou call'st it Cardopus, but 'tis hæc Cardopus,
And therefore henceforth call it Cardopa.
Next it is fit you know which names are Masculine,
And which are feminine.
Str.
I know well which
Are feminine, I'me sure.
So.
Lets hear.
Str.
Philina,
Cletagora, Demetria, and Lystha.
So.
And which are Masculine?
Str.
A world, Philoxenus,
Milesias, and Amynias.
So.
Thou art out.
Str.
Are not these Masculine with you?
So.
By no means.
How if you saw Amynias, would you call him?
Str.
Amynia, ho!
So.
What, make a woman of him.
Str.
And reason good, h'has thrown away his armes,
And will not fight. But to what purpose learn I
These common trifles.
So.
Not so common neither,
But come, lie down.
Str.
What must I do?
So.
Consider
With your selfe the businesse that concernes you.
Str.
Not in this bed, I thank you, if I must
Lie down, Ile meditate upon the ground.
So.
But heres no room besides.
Str.
Wretch that I am.
How I shall be tormented with these fleas!
So.
Now think into the depth of thy affairs,
Try every turn and winding, every double;
And if you stick at any thing: give't ore,
And to some other; but be sure you sleep not.
Str.
Oh, oh.
So.
How now the matter?
Str.
I am kill'd
By these blood-suckers, these Corinthians.
80
Do not torment your selfe.
Str.
How can I choose
When I have neither mony left, nor colour,
Scarce life, no shooes, grown almost to a Ghost
With watching?
So.
Now what think y'on, nothing?
Str.
Yes
By Neptune.
So.
What?
Str.
I'me thinking if the fleas
Will leave a piece of me or not.
So.
Death on thee.
Str.
You might have spar'd your curse, I'm dead already.
So.
Fy, fy, you must not be so tender, cover
Your face, and study for some subtle cheat.
Str.
Would I could learn to cheat these wicked fleas.
So.
Let's see what does he? what, asleep, ha'ye thought
Of nothing yet?
Str.
What would you have me think on?
So.
What would you learn?
Str.
I've told you that already
A thousand times; I'd learn to pay no use-mony.
So.
Come then, cover your self, and subtilize
Your thoughts, diffect your businesse into Atomes.
Str.
Alasse.
So.
Ly still; and if you stick at anything,
Passe by't a while, and come to it again.
Str.
Ho, my dear Socrates.
So.
What is't old man?
Str.
I have found out that will do't.
So.
As how.
Str.
First tell me
Where I may meet with some Thessalian witch;
For I would steal the Moon one of these nights,
And having got her, lock her in a chest
As charily, as I would keep a glasse.
So.
What wilt thou get by that?
Str.
What, if the Moon
Ne'r rise again, I'me bound to pay no use.
So.
How so?
Str.
'Cause use you know is paid by th'Month.
So.
'Tis well, but I'le propound another businesse;
Suppose that you were tyed upon a statute
To pay five Talents, could you rase figures?
Str.
I know not, but I'le try.
So.
You must not limit
Your thoughts so narrowly within your selfe,
81
Allow them play and flutter in the air.
Str.
I ha't, I ha't, the rarest way to cancell
A deed, as you'l confesse when you have heard it.
So.
What is't?
Str.
Did you nere see at any Grocers
A clear transparant stone, with which they use
To kindle fire?
So.
You mean a burning-glasse.
Stro.
The very same.
So.
What wouldst thou do with it?
Str.
Whilst that the Scrivener writes the deed, d'ee mark,
Thus standing by him with my burning-glasse
Against the Sun, I'l burn out every letter.
So.
Wisely by all the Graces.
Str.
How I long
To cancell thus a bond of fifty pound.
So.
'Tis well, now tell me if thy adversary
Sue thee, and thou art like to be orethrown
For want of witnesses, how wilt thou void
His suit.
Str.
Most easily.
So.
Which way?
Str.
Before
It comes to judgement, I would hang my self.
So.
Push, thou sayst nothing.
Str.
Yes, by Iove there's none
Will prosecute a suit against the dead.
So.
Away, thou fool'st; i'l teach no more.
Str.
Why dear Socrates,
Why?
So.
Thou forget'st as fast as thou canst learn.
Tell me the first thing thou wert taught to day.
Str.
The first, stay let me see; the first thing say you?
How call you that we use to put our meal in?
Wretch, Iv'e forget it!
So.
See, deserv'st thou not
Forgetfull to be punish'd for a dunce,
Str.
Alasse what shall I do? for if I learn not
The cheating language, I am quite undone;
Good Clouds advise me what course I shall take.
Cho.
“If an ingenious son thou hast at home,
“Thou hadst best send him hither in thy room.
Str.
I have a son, and he's ingenious too;
But will not learn, the more my misery.
Cho.
And wilt thou suffer't?
Str.
Of a promising person
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Once more Ile try; if he refuse, i'l make
No more adoe but turn him out of dores;
Stay but a while, I will be quickly back.
Act. 3.
Strepsiades, Phidippides, Socrates.Str.
Now by the Clouds thou staist no longer here?
Hence, and go feed in Megacles his stable.
Ph.
Alasse what fury hath possest you Father?
By Jove I think you are besides your self.
Str.
See, see, he swears by Iove, art thou not mad
At these years to believe there is a Jove?
Ph.
Is truth to be derided?
Str.
Well I see
Th'art still a Child and credit'st old wives tales.
But come I will tell thee that shall make thee
A man, so you be sure to tell it nobody.
Ph.
Pretty; what is't?
Str.
Thou swor'st e'en now by Jove.
Ph.
I did so.
Str.
See how good it is to learn;
There's no such thing as Iove.
Ph.
What then?
Str.
A whirlwind
Hath blown Iove quite away and rules all Heaven.
Ph:
What fooleries are these?
Str.
They're serious truth son.
Ph.
Who tells you so?
Str.
Our Socrates the Melian,
And Chærephon, that trace the steps of fleas.
Ph.
How, are you grown to such a height of madness,
As to believe such melancholy dreamers.
Str.
Good words: defame not men of such deep wisdom
And subtle spirits; these live sparingly,
Are never at the charges of of a Barber,
Unguents, or Baths, whereas thou wasts my means
As freely as if I were dead already.
Come then, and be their scholler in my room.
Ph.
What can be learnt that's good of such as they are?
Str.
All things that are accompted wisdom Boy;
And first to know thy self, and what a dunce
Thou art, how blockish, rustick and forgetfull.
But stay a little, cover thy face a while.
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Alasse my fathers mad, what shall I do,
Accuse him to the Court of folly,
Bespeak a Coffin for him, for he talks
Idly, as he were drawing on?
Str.
Come on now.
Let's see, what that?
Ph.
A Pigeon.
Str.
Good; and that?
Ph.
A Pigeon.
Str.
Both the same? ridiculous.
Take heed you make not such mistakes hereafter.
This you must call a Cock, and that a Hen.
Ph.
A Hen? Is this the goodly learning Father
You got since your admission 'mongst these earth-wormes?
Str.
This and a great deal more; but being old,
I soon forget what I am taught.
Ph.
I think
'Twas want of memory made you lose your cloak.
Str.
No, 'tis hung up upon the arts and sciences:
Ph.
And where your shooes?
Str.
Lost for the common good,
Like Pericles: But lets be gone and see
You learn t'obey me, and to wrong all else.
Remember that I bought thee, when thou wert
But fix yeers old, a little Cart to play with.
Ph.
Alasse you'l be the first that will repent this.
Str.
Take you no care for that; do as I bid you.
Ho, Socrates, I've brought my son at last,
Though much against his will.
So.
I, that's because
He's rude, untaught, a child of ignorance,
And unacquainted with our hungry baskets.
Ph.
Go hang your self in one of them.
Str.
How impudence; dost thou talk thus to thy Master?
Socr.
So go hang, with what a seeming grace was that pronounc'd!
How do you think that he should ever learn
To overthrow a nimble adversary,
Or win a Judges heart with Rhetorick?
Str.
Fear not, but teach him; he's ingenious
By Nature; for when he was but a little one,
Hee'd build you houses, and make leather Coaches,
And ships, and cut frogs out of apple parings.
What's your opinion then? do you not think
Hee's capable to learn both languages?
Or if not both, be sure he learn the worse.
Socr.
Well, we shall try what may be done with him.
Str.
Farewell, and so remember that in all
I say that's just, you learn to contradict me.
84
Act. 4.
Scœn. 1.
Strepsiades.Streps.
The fift, the fourth, the third, the second; hum.
The most abhord and dreadfull day's at hand,
The old and new; all I ow money to
Threaten to sue and vow my utter ruine;
Yet I require nothing but what is just reason:
My friend forbear me till some other time;
But they all answer me, words are no payment,
Revile me, swear they'l put their bonds in suit,
And let 'em, what care I, so my Phidippides
Have learnt the art of cheating: I shall know straight;
It is but knocking at the school, ho son.
Scœn. 2.
Strepsiades, Socrates.Socr.
Save you Strepsiades.
Streps.
The like to you.
First take this bag of meal, for it is fit
We pay our duty to our reverend Master,
Now tell me, has my son attain'd the art
For which I plac'd him with you.
Socr.
Yes exactly.
Streps.
Thanks to deceit, the Queen that governs all things.
Socr.
Now you may overthrow all adversaries.
Streps.
What though a witnesse swear that I have borrowed.
Socr.
I though a thousand swear't.
Streps.
Iò. Iò.
Triumph my boyes, wo to you money-mongers,
You and your bonds, your use on use may hang now,
You'l trouble me no more! O what a son
Have I, that fenceth with a two-edg'd tongue,
My Houses prop and Guardian, my foes terrour,
Quickly come forth, and meet my glad embraces,
Come forth and hear thy Father.
Socr.
See the man.
Streps.
O my dear boy!
Socr.
Away and take him with you.
85
Scœne 3.
Strepsiades, Phidippides.Streps.
Io my son! O how I joy to see
Thy chang'd complexion! Thou lookst now me thinks
As if thou wert inspir'd with contradiction
I read, crosse questions in thy very face,
Thy very eyes me thinks say, how, how's that?
Thou canst perswade the world that thou art wrong'd,
When thou art, he that does the wrong. I see't,
I plainly see't; a very Attick mine;
Now let it be thy study to recover
Him, whom thou almost hast undone.
Phid.
Why, what
Is that you fear?
Streps.
The old and the new day.
Phid.
Can one and the same day be old and new?
Streps.
I know that: I'm sure my Creditors
By joint consent that day threaten to sue me.
Phil.
They'l loose by it if they do: for 'tis impossible
To make two daies of one.
Streps.
How is't impossible?
Phil.
As for a woman to be old and young
At once.
Streps.
But law has so determined it
Phil.
But these men know not what the law doth mean.
Streps.
Why what's the meaning of it.
Phil.
Antient Solon
Was naturally a lover of the people.
Streps.
What's that to this?
Phid.
He did appoint two daies,
The last day of the old month for citation,
The first oth' new for payment of the money.
Streps.
But why the last day for citations?
Phil.
That
The debtor having th us one day of warning
Might fly and shun the trouble of the next.
So.
Why do the Magistrates then take all forfeits
Upon the old and new day?
Ph.
They are hungry,
And tast their meat before they should fall too.
Str.
We the fools that sit still and do nothing,
We that are wise and quick have done the businesse;
Ye blocks, ye stones, ye sheep, ye empty bubbles;
Let me congratulate this son of min
86
“Now Strepsiades th'art blest
“Of the most discreet the best,
“What a Son thou hast, now may
“All my æmulous neighbours say,
“When they hear that he alone
“Hath my creditours orethrown.
But come my boy, now thou shalt feast with me.
Sect. 4.
Pasias, Strepsiades, Witnesse.Pas.
And must a man be outed of his own thus?
Better take any course then suffer this.
You must assist me in this businesse neighbour,
That I may call my debtor to accompt;
There's one friend made a foe; yet I'le not shame
My country, ere I do't, I'le give him warning.
Strepsiades.
Streps.
How now, what would you have?
Pas.
The old and new daies come.
Streps.
Bear witnesse friend,
He nam'd two daies. What summe is't you demand.
Pas.
Twelve pounds you borrow'd when you bought your Son
A Race-horse; with the interest.
Streps.
A race-horse,
You know I neer car'd for 'em in my life.
Pas.
And swor'st by Jove and all the Gods to pay it.
Streps.
By Jove? 'twas then before my son had learn't
The all-convincing speech.
Pas.
You'l not deny't.
Streps.
What have I got but that, for all this learning?
Pas.
Darst thou deny't, if I should put thee to
Thy oath, and make thee call the Gods to witness it?
Streps.
What Gods de'e mean?
Pas.
Jove, Mercury, and Neptune.
Streps.
By Iove? yes that I will I hold thee three pence.
Pas.
Curse on thee for this impudence.
Streps.
If thou wert rubb'd with salt, 'twould make thy wit the quicker.
Pas.
De laugh at me?
Streps.
Thou wilt take up six bushells.
Pas.
So help me Jupiter, and all the Gods,
I will even be with you for this scorn.
Streps.
I am extreamly taken with your Gods,
And this same Iupiter you swear by, they
Are excellent pastime to a knowing man.
87
Well, you will one day answer for these words.
But tell me, whether I shall have my money
Or not, give my answer, and I'me gone.
Streps.
Stay but a little, I will answer presently,
And plainly.
Pas.
Sure hee's gone to fetch the mony.
Streps.
Where is the Man that comes to ask me mony?
Tell me, what's this?
Pas.
That which it is, a Cardopus.
Streps.
You ask for mony, and so very a dunce;
I'le never whilst I live pay him a penny.
That calls a Cardopa a Cardopus.
Pas.
You will not pay then?
Streps.
Not for ought I know:
You'l stay no longer, pray about your businesse.
Pas.
Yes, I'le be gone, but in the mean time know
I'le have my mony, if I live this day.
Streps.
You may chance go without it; yet I'm sorry
You should be punish'd so for a mistake,
For saying Cardopus for Cardopa.
Scœn. 8.
Amynias, Strepsiades, Witnesse.Amyn.
Oh, oh, alasse.
Streps.
Who's that keeps such a bawling?
What art thou? one of Carkinus his sons?
Amyn.
'I is I unhappy!
Streps.
Keep it to thy selfe.
Amyn.
Unlucky chance, oh cruell destiny,
To spoil at once my Cart and all my Horses!
Oh Pallas, how unkindly hast thou us'd me?
Streps.
What hurt did ere Tlepolemus do thee?
Amyn.
Deride me not, but rather bid your son
Pay me the mony which he had of me,
For I was never in more need of it.
Streps.
What mony man?
Amyn.
That which he borrowed of me.
Streps.
Then I perceive you're in a sad condition.
Am.
I had a scurvy fall driving my horses.
Streps.
Thou dost but jest, 'twas driving an Asse rather.
Amyn.
I do not jest when I demand my mony.
Streps.
Upon my word thou art not right.
Amyn.
How so?
Streps.
Thy brain me thinks is troubled.
Amyn.
Either pay me
88
Streps.
Tell me, doth Jove beget and send down rain,
Or doth the Sun exhale it from the sea?
Amyn.
I neither know nor care.
Streps.
What? are you fit
To receive mony, and so ignorant
Of these sublime and subtle mysteries.
Amyn.
Well, if you cannot let me have the principal,
Pay me the interest.
Streps.
Interest, what kind
Of creature's that?
Amyn.
What, but th'encrease of mony
By months, and daies, as time runs on.
Streps.
'Tis well.
And do you think the sea is fuller now
Then 'twas at first?
Amyn.
No, not a drop, it is
Not fit it should.
Streps.
The sea by your confession
Is nothing grown; then with what conscience
Can you desire your mony should encrease.
Go get you from my doores, fetch me a whip there.
Witn.
Well, I'le bear witnesse for him.
Streps.
Why de'e not go, will you move Sumphoras?
Amyn.
Is not this riotous?
Streps.
Will you be gone?
Or shall I lead you in a chain, and make you
Shew tricks? if you but stay a little longer,
I'le send you, and your Cart and Horses packing.
Chor.
“Now observe what 'tis to bend
“Studies to an evill end
“This old man, that is intent
“Creditours to circumvent,
“Foolishly himselfe hath crost,
“And will find so to his cost;
“That in this false Art his son
“Hath attain'd perfection:
“Justice cunning to refute)
“That at last hee'l wish him mute.
89
Act. 5.
Scene 1.
Strepsiades, Phidippides.Streps.
O Neighbours, Kinsmen, Countrymen, help, help,
I'm beat all all over: oh my head, my back!
Thou strik'st thy Father Rogue.
Phid.
I do so father.
Streps.
See, see, he stands in't too.
Phid.
I do indeed.
Streps.
Thief, villain, Parricide.
Phid.
More I beseech you,
I am much taken with these pretty Titles.
Streps.
Rascall.
Phid.
Pray stick me fuller of these roses:
Streps.
Dost beat thy Father?
Phid.
Yes, by Jove, and justly.
Streps.
Oh' rogue what justice can there be in that:
Phid.
I will demonstrate it by argument.
Streps.
By argument?
Phid.
Most easily, which language
Shall I dispute in.
Streps.
Language?
Phid.
Yes the greater
Or lesser?
Streps.
I have bred thee well indeed
If thou canst make this good, that any son
May beat his Father.
Phid.
You'l confesse as much
If I so prove it, that you cannot answer't.
Streps.
Well, I will hear for once what you can say.
Scœn 2.
Chorus, Streps Phidip.Cho.
“Old man it much concerns you to confute
“Your son, whose confidence appears to suit
“With a just cause; how happen'd this dispute?
Str.
I shall relate it from the first; as soon
As we had din'd, I took a lute and bid him
Sing the sheep-shearing of Simonides,
He told me 'twas an old and ugly fashion
90
Phi.
And was not this sufficient to deserve
A beating; when you'd make men chirp like Grasse-hoppers?
Str.
Just so he said within; and added that
Simonides was an unpleasant Poet.
I must confesse I hardly could forbear him;
But then I bid him take a Myrtle branch,
And act some piece of Æschylus, that Æschylus
Saith he, is of all Poets the absurdest,
The hat shest, most disorderly and bumbast.
Did not my heart pant at this language think you?
Yet I represt it; Then said I, rehearse
A learned speech out of some modern wit;
He strait repeats out of Euripides
A tedious long Oration, how the Brother
(Good Heavens) did violate his sisters bed.
Here I confesse I could contain no longer
But chid him sharply; to dispute we went,
Words upon words, till he at last to blowes,
To strike, to pull, to tear me.
Phi.
And not justly?
You that would discommend Euripides
The wisest of all Poets.
Str.
Wisest? ah
What did I say, I shall be beat agen.
Ph.
By Iove, and you deserve't.
Str.
How, deserve it?
Ungratefull wretch, have I not brought thee up,
Fed and maintain'd thee from a little one,
Supplied thy wants? how then can I deserve it?
Chor.
“Now I believe each youthfull breast
“With expectation possest,
“That if the glory of the day
“Be from the Plantiffe born away,
“By this example they may all
“Upon the old men heavy fall;
“What you have done with utmost art,
“To justifie is now your part.
Phid.
How sweet it is to study, sage new things;
And to contemn all fundamental lawes!
When I applied my mind to Horse-coursing
I could not speak three words but I was out;
Now since I gave it ore, I am acquainted
With ponderous sentences and subtle reasons,
Able to prove I ought to beat my Father.
Str.
Nay, follow racing still, for I had rather
Maintain thy horses then be beaten thus.
91
I will begin where you did interrupt me,
And first will ask, did you not beat me when
I was a child?
Streps.
But that was out of love.
Phid.
'Tis very right, tell me then, ought not I
To recompence your love with equall love;
If to be beaten be to be belov'd,
Why should I suffer stripes, and you have none?
I am by nature born as free as you;
Nor is it fit the sons should be chastiz'd,
And not their parents.
Str.
Why?
Phid.
You urge the Law,
That doth allow all children to be beaten:
To which I answer, Old men are twice children,
And therefore ought, when they offend, be punish'd
As well as we.
Str
But there's no Law that saies
The Parents should be punished.
Phid.
Was not he
Who made that Law, a man as you and I,
He form'd a Law, which all the old men follow'd;
Why may not I as well prescribe another,
And all the young men follow my advice:
But all the blowes before this Law was made
Must be forgiven without all dispute.
Besides, mark how the Cocks and other creatures
Fight with their sires, who differ not at all
From us, save only that they make no lawes.
Streps.
Why then if you will imitate the Cocks,
Do you not dine upon a Dunghill, and
Lodge in a hen-roost?
Phid.
'Tis not all one case,
Our Socrates doth not approve so far.
Streps.
Approve not then their fighting, but in this
Thou plead'st against thy selfe.
Phid.
How so?
Streps.
Because
Th'authority I exercise o're thee
Will be thine own, when ere thou hast a son.
Phid.
But if I ne'r have any, then I never
Shall have authority, and you will go
To th'grave deriding me.
Streps.
'Tis too much reason.
Phid.
Hear now another argument.
Streps.
I'me lost.
Phid.
And then perhaps you'l take the blowes I gave you
92
Streps.
What good shall I get by them?
Phid.
I'le beat my mother too.
Streps.
What sayest thou, thou?
Why this is worse then t'other.
Phid.
What if I
Prove by the second language that I ought?
Streps.
Why then you will have nothing more to do.
But prove that you, and your wise Socrates,
And wiser language may hang all together.
O Clouds, all this I suffer through your means,
For I in you wholly repos'd my trust.
Chor.
“Thy selfe art author of this misery,
“Because to ill thou didst thy mind apply.
Streps.
Why did you then give me no warning of it?
You know I was a rude and aged man.
Chor.
“This is our custome, whensoere we find
“Any to malice or deceit enclin'd,
“Into some dreadfull mischief such we thrust,
“That they may fear the Gods, and learn what's just.
Streps.
Alasse, this is a mischief, and a just one,
For I ought not, when I had borrow'd mony,
To seek out wayes t'avoid restoring it.
Come then my son, let us be reveng'd
Upon that wicked Socrates and Cheræphon,
Who have abus'd us both.
Phid.
I will not wrong
My Masters.
Streps.
Reverence Celestiall Jove.
Phid.
Celestiall Jove, see how you rave now father:
There's no such thing as Iove.
Streps.
There is.
Phid.
A whirle-wind
Hath blown Iove quite away, and rules all.
Streps.
No son, he's not expell'd, I was but fool'd
To worship in his room a fictile deity.
Phid.
Nay if you will needs be mad, be mad alone.
Scœn. 3.
Strepsiades.Streps.
Mad that I was to trust in Socrates,
And cast off all our Gods; good Mercury
Be not displeas'd, or punish, but forgive me,
That took such paines, and studied to talk idly,
And tell me what I'de best do with these fellowes,
93
Th'art in the right, I will not sue them then,
But as thou bidst me set their Nest on fire;
Come Xanthias, come, a fork and ladder quickly.
Get up and pluck the house about their Ears,
Quick if thou lovest thy master; one of you
Go light a torch, and bring it hither strait:
Proud as they are I mean to bring 'em lower.
Scœn 4.
Scholar, Strepsiades, Socrates, Chærephon.Schol.
Oh. oh!
Strep.
Torch to thy work, set fire apace.
Schol.
What art thou doing man?
Streps.
That which I'm doing;
Disputing somewhat hotly with your school here.
Schol.
Alasse, who's this that sets our house on fire?
Streps.
He whom you cosen'd of his cloak.
Schol.
Thou kill'st,
Thou kil'lst us man.
Streps.
That is the thing I mean,
If my fork hold and ladder, do not fail me.
So.
How now, what do you make on our house-ridge.
Streps.
I walk i'th air and gaze upon the Sun.
So.
Alasse I'm choak'd.
Streps.
Why dost thou scorn the Gods then?
Chær.
Oh me I burn;
Streps.
Now you may calculate
The motions of the Moon; tear, pluck, beat, burn 'em.
For many reasons they deserve the flame,
But most because they did the Gods disclaim.
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