University of Virginia Library

Scene V.

—Gardens attached to the Marchioness's house.
(Enter Pumpernickel meeting Cocotte)
Pump.
A pretty state of things, upon my word,
Since first that recognition strange occurred;
A serjeant, and a lot of soldiers too,
Have lived with us with naught on earth to do.

Cocotte.
Well, what of that? They're all nice looking men,
Ah, who would think twelve months had passed since then;
We've been so merry since they first came here,
It's one continual grin from year to year.
From gaiety to gaiety we're carried,
Maria to Lord Margate's to be married.

Pump.
Maria married; oh, that makes me sad.
(melo-dramatically.)
A whisper!

Cocotte.
Well!

Pump.
I love her; yes, like mad!
(Cocotte surprised)
But that's not all, shall I go on?

Cocotte.
Oh yes!

Pump.
You may have heard p'raps of the Marchioness?

Cocotte.
My mistress! why of course, what's she to you?

Pump.
Well then, Ha, ha, ha, ha! I love her too!

Cocotte.
You do!

Pump.
But that's not all I've got to tell.

Cocotte.
Indeed, what more?

Pump.
I worship you as well!
Yes, for all three for months I've angling been,

Cocotte.
Angling? Ha! ha! Tri-angling you must mean.

Enter Lord Margate and Roberto who is dressed in ludicrously showy costume.
Ld. Mar.
(to Pump.)
Summon my friends—the contract's here to sign,
Which makes Maria's hand and fortune mine,
(Exeunt Pump. and Cocotte. R.)
For two long years I've waited since I met them.

Rob.
For two long years? Well you deserve to get them
You'll never find, as it to me appears,
A better ornament than two long ears.

Enter Marchioness.
Marchs.
Lord Margate's come, his blushing bride to find,
Though when he sees her, he may change his mind.
Powder and paint she christens dirty messes!
She won't “go off” unless her hair she dresses:
So great a gun as she should be much prouder,

(Enter Sulpizio.)
Sul.
No great gun can “go off” without some powder.

Marchs.
I've always worn it since I first could read,
And see how I've gone off.

Sul.
You have indeed.

(aside.)
Marchs.
She still goes out wherever she is sent to
Dressed a la Figlia del Regimento
In coat of scarlet cloth, turned up with camlet.

Sul.
She'll always always be a figlia, while she am let.

Lord Margate comes down with Roberto.
Ld. Mar.
This gentleman has just this moment come,
(introducing.)
The Marchioness—Haw!—Mr. Manfred—Hum!
Manfred, the Marchioness, (aside)
and now she's righted!

Rob.
(with great affectation.)
Haw! lovely creature, 'pon my life delighted,
This is indeed a pleashaw; 'pon my soul,
Most happy 'sure you. Can't my joy control.

During this speech the Marchioness has coyly concealed her face.
Marchs.
You bad man go along, (tapping him with her fan.)


Rob.
In form and feachaw,
You are indeed a most superior creechur
The numerous advantages you see,
A concentrating of themselves in me,
Under your notice I should like to bring,
I'm single, haw, and all that sort of thing,
A Bachelor, who is tired of single life
And wants to marry.

Marchs.
(coyly showing her face.)
Go away.

Rob.
(starts.)
My wife!

Marchs.
My husband! It's my long lost count Roberto,
Roberto certo, living and unhurt, O!

(embraces him.)
Rob.
If I had had a notion, whom thou wer't, O!
Rather than quit the Alps, I'd have been scalped,
(assignedly.)
I can't go back, what's done cannot be alped.

Concerted Piece Marchioness, Roberto, Lord Margate and Sulpizio.
Air.—Market Gardener.
Rob.
Oh, upon my word and honour—
Till I cast my eye upon her,
I'd no notion she was such a near relation.

Marchs.
You're as cruel as Bishop Bonner:
I'm a broken hearted Donna!
Pray remark my unexampled agitation.

Sul.
Such a thing I never knew—
Why, whatever will they do,
Oh, isn't this a striking situation;
It's enough a man to nettle.

Ld Mar.
Now this matter can't I settle,
Or do anything by way of mediation.

Sul.
I'm familiar with the clatter of her chatter, chatter, chatter,
She's a lady of excessive animation.

Marchs.
You may beat me to a batter,
But I'll shew you what's the matter!
You may well exhibit signs of perturbation.

Ld. Mar.
Oh, isn't this a go? all circumstances shew
You had better have declined my invitation.

Rob.
Oh, I wish upon my honor,
I had never looked upon her;
Or descended from my recent elevation.

Chorus.
Oh, my! why, Roberto, why,
Didn't you decline his invitation.
Don't you wish, upon your honor,
You had never looked upon her,
Or descended from your recent elevation.

At the end of concerted piece, all go off into the house, except Lord Margate.
Enter Maria.
Ld. Mar.
Allow me, dear, on this auspicious day,
To offer you this exquisite bouquet.

(offering bouquet.)
Maria.
(returning it)
I like to pick my flowers all alone,
I always find that when I cull my own,
The odour seems much sweeter to the nose.

Ld. Mar.
Odour cull own—you'd call it, I suppose!
I'm the best match, my dear, in all the South,
Born with a silver spoon Miss, in my mouth—

Maria.
A silver spoon? how very shocking!

Ld. Mar.
Eh!

Maria.
It seems to have affected all you say!

Ld. Mar.
Once, you would sigh, and when I left you, fret—
And squeeze my hand, but now I only get
A frigid shake, that's not behaving nicily.

Maria.
You say that I press coldly!

Ld. Mar.
Yes, press-icily.
From life's rude blasts you'll safely lie, my dear,
Undering the sheltering lee of Margate peer.
The Isle of Thanet's yours, for so I'll plan it,
Your love I value much more highly than it.

Maria.
But you have railed so long at married life.

Ld. Mar.
I'm changed completely, and I want a wife,
Love it as much as once I did detest it,
And pleasure take in all that can suggest it.
I find an occupation most enticing,
Even in watching tars their timbers splicing,
I love the sands and long have on them tarried.
Cause, when the sea goes down it leaves them arid;
But never will consent with crowds to mingle
Upon the beach as long as it is shingle;
In life connubial I'll be all to thee,
Tell me, my love, can you be all to me.

(Enter the Marchioness with Notary and Soldiers, Peasants and Guests, and Sulpizio.)
Marchs.
Here is the marriage contract, daughter Mine,
The Notary's prepared to seal and sign.

Maria.
(reading contract.)
Don't seal it yet, a trifling flaw I spot:
It says that I consent, and I do not;
You'd better far, if fairly you'd be dealing,
Repair the flaw, ere you begin the sealing.

Marchs.
Amazement! Do you know, miss, what you've said?

Maria.
Without my father's leave I'll never wed.

Marchs.
Your father's?

Maria.
Yes, Sulpizio's!

Marchs.
Very fine!
(to Sul.)
We want the girl at once the deed to sign:
Speak on the point, to you, she said she'd rather first.

Maria.
In other words, I said I'd see you father first.
My Tonio will return and scare these folk,
True as the mistletoe unto the oak.

Sul.
(aside.)
'Ere this by Charon o'er the Styx he's ferried,
Like mistletoe, I'm pretty sure he's berried.

Maria.
The most accomplished soldier ever drilled.

Marchs.
Well, as for that, he certainly is (s)killed.

Maria.
His grief would quite destroy his handsome phiz.

Ld. Mar.
He couldn't be more “cut up” than he is!

(Enter Cocotte and Pumpernickel. L.)
Cocotte.
Oh, madam, for one moment please to wait,
Here's a poor wounded soldier at the gate,
He says he must come in, he brings some news
About poor Tonio.

Maria.
(to Marchs.)
Oh, you won't refuse?

Marchs.
Indeed, I will. (to Cocotte.)
Keep him outside the gate.

(Enter Tonio. L.)
Tonio.
The soldier didn't feel inclined to wait.

Maria.
My Tonio!

Marchs.
This is extremely fine.

Ld. Mar.
(taking Maria.)
I am Lord Margate, and the lady's mine.

Sul.
(to Ld. Mar.)
Say, are you covered, pardon the allusion,
With strawberry marks in prodigal profusion?
Two on each shoulder, on your bosom four;
Twelve on your back, on each arm seven more;
Three on your left foot, nine upon each knee;
Five on your calves, upon each elbow three,
Just sixty six in all.

Ld. Mar.
(rapidly counting.)
Exactly so.

Sul.
Then you are not the Earl of Margate!

Marchs.
(surprised.)
No!

Sul.
No peer of Margate, young, old, short, or tall,
Had ever any strawberry marks at all.

Tonio.
(suddenly.)
I have no strawberry marks.

Sul.
Ha! Then I see
The rightful Earl of Margate you must be;
I can't help saying, for so well I knows yer,
This is a most extrawberry disclosure.

(Enter Roberto with paper, hurriedly. L.)
Rob.
Here's a dispatch that's just delivered been,
For Captain Tonio, from his King and Queen.
(reads)
“As a slight recompense for all you've done,
Your country now appoints her gallant son
Head Constable of all the Royal Towers;
Chief Councillor of European powers;
Chancellor too, of every King's resources;
Field Marshal of all continental forces;
Lord Admiral of all terrestrial seas;
Governor too, of all our colonies;
Prince of a dozen countries, here and there;
Duke of most places, Earl of everywhere!”

Marchs.
(Giving Maria to Tonio.)
Take her, she's yours—you have my full consent,
To give her to you, all along, I meant.
(to Lord Mar.)
Come, you be off, go to the right about.

Ld. Mar.
Preposterous old female, you get out!

MARIA.
I think I've shown myself throughout my part,
True to my regiment and my Tonio's heart;
As true as iron, to both kinds of cores:
I've given him my hand, pray give me your's.
“True to the Corps!” be you in mode emphatic,
True to what “Corps?” True to my “Corps dramatique.”

FINALE.
Air—“Eclipse Galop.”
Sal.
And now our fun to earth is run,
The play is nearly ended,
We must admit the fact, that it
Can hardly be defended.

Ld. Margate.
And true it is, that now to this,
Conclusion we awaken,
That many a grievous liberty,
With it we've freely taken.

Rob.
(frantically.)
Sally come up and Sally go down
I've made a great sensation.

Tonio.
He's mad as he can fairly be,
Don't heed his peroration.

Rob.
Skidamalink and a tippity wink,
And an ounce of approbation.

All.
—He's mad as he can fairly be,
Can fairly, fairly be.

Maria.
Give your hands, don't be too critical,
Breaking flies on wheels—I pity call,
Give your hands, don't be too critical,
Give your hands and come another day.

All.
And now our fun, &c.

CURTAIN.