University of Virginia Library

ACT III.

SCENE, a Chamber in the Celestial Palace.
Jupiter and Momus.
RECITATIVE.
Mom.
I met 'em—Friesland hens! their feathers brustling
All the wrong way.

(laughs)
Jup.
That's what they get by bustling
On the High-horse with Me—

Mom.
Poor Venus said nought.

Jup.
True—
—But—for my Jezebel, and yond' Miss Dreadnought—

AIR I. Handel.
Jup.

[Exeunt.
SCENE, Mount Ida.
Paris is discovered admiring his own Finery.
RECITATIVE.
Par.
C'est quelque chose cela—no more a Rustick scrubbish,
Paris at Court has dusted off his Rubbish.

AIR II. Arne.
Par.

[Paris
turns, and spies Mercury advancing.
What chap comes here? trick'd out so nicely!

Enter to him Mercury.
(He stands bowing at a distance.)
Dem' mauvaise honte—So thus—concisely.

AIR III. DUET. Francesco.
Par.
Mon Enfant—ecoutez.

Merc.
Royal Swain, what d'ye say?

Par.
If I may conjecture,
By garb, gait, and aspect, you're
Francois.

Merc.
Nay, nay.

Par.
Au Moins—You've made the Tour.

Merc.
No sure.
Your Highness means to flatter.

Par.
Pardonnez-moi—This Hat here
Paris Cock—

Merc.
No such matter.

Par.
Those Pumps too—diantre!—curious.—.

Merc.
Jove's Son, Sir— (bowing)


Par.
Vous?

Merc.
Yes; spurious
Controller of his Pages,
And bear his Love-Messages.

Par.
Quoi? Merky!—ah! le drole!

Merc.
The same—upon my soul,
At your command.

Par.
I kiss your Hand.

RECITATIVE.
Par.
But whence—and whither now?

Merc.
My Errand
At present is—

Par.
(taking snuff)
To me—I warrant.

Merc.
E'en so.

Par.
(with extravagant airs of vanity)
With my poor person smitten?

Merc.
(shaking his head)
No, Sir—a matter—You'd scarce hit on.
This Apple— (produces the Golden Apple)


Par.
(much mortified)
Aye.

Merc.
(Tho' no nice Fruit 'tis)
Has set by the ears three tip-top Beauties.
Th'Inscription—there's the bone—

Par.
(reads it)
To the fairest!

Merc.
'Till that point's settled—Heav'n can ne'er rest.—
Juno, Miss Pallas, Venus—stiffly
Lay claim to't—

Par.
Well—mon cher!

Merc.
Why, briefly—
You're nam'd their Judge—

Par.
(eyeing it contemptuously)
A precious bawble
To set three Goddesses—at squabble!

AIR IV. Bryan.
A Goddess, like an earthly Dame,
In trifles will precedence claim;
Denied, foul language will bestow,
And turn from dearest Friend to Foe.

RECITATIVE.
Par.
But why to me this Beauty-reference?

Merc.
You, Sir, Jove knows,—can guess the difference—
Betwixt—a Nymph—and a Nut-cracker—

Par.
Not half so well as he,—th'old Smacker!

Merc.
Him they'd think partial,—interested,
Therefore in you his Pow'r is vested.

Par.
What Jeopardy?—My Case quite desperate!—
Can please but one,—two must exasperate!—

Merc.
Do as you like—but—leave off prating,
You keep their Goddesships a-waiting.

[Exit.
(Paris
alone, after meditation,)
Good Jove, direct me!
Since in this task
I'm but your mask,
I hope, Sir, you'll protect me.

Re-enter Mercury, leading Juno, whom he announces most ceremoniously. She advances with over-strained haughtiness.
RECITATIVE.
Merc.
Queen Juno, Sir, (bows)
Jove's Consort—

Juno.
(imperiously)
Less Palaver.
We've other fish to fry— (beckons Mercury away; he sneaks off.


Par.
(tripping familiarly to kiss her)
Ma'am,—by your Favour—

(She draws back with indignation.
Juno.
Meat for your Lord!—I thought you better knew me.

Par.
(aside)
La fiere!—a three-pil'd Prude, consume me!

Juno.
—(haughtily)
Lad, don't you feel yourself, at times, ambitious
Of Pow'r—and Wealth?

Par.
Ma foi! they're both delicious.

Juno.
Both you may have—

Par.
Comment!

Juno.
For me pass Sentence,
And you will bless your Stars for our Acquaintance.

AIR V. Giordani.

Par.
Why—faith—She offers—like a Bidder.
Nabob!—Bon ça!—let me—consider:
Bengal—a damn'd—long—voyage thither.
(aside)
Now un grand Coup—You're warm—and I in Spirits—
(to her)
'Gad, Ma'am, let's use your Husband as he merits.

AIR VI. Down Derry Derry.
Par.
(To her with petulant Familiarity.)
Sweet Revenge there is a Clue to,
Wou'd you take a Fool's advice,—
Me voici tout pret—Cornuto
We may dub him in a trice.
Dans le Bon ton—Down derry derry.
Dans le Bon ton,
Sur le Gazon.

(Juno in furious indignation turns fiercely upon him.)
RECITATIVE.
Juno.
Indeed!—'Squire Hotspur!—two words to that Bargain.

Par.
(with cutting indifference)
N'importe—There needs no farther arguing.

[turns away.
Juno.
(apart)
To be sent haggling here with such a Puppy!
Well, Jove, remember this, if I ben't up wi' ye.

AIR VII.
Juno.
Tender Passion, gentle Love,
Cooing, murmuring like the Dove,
Shall desert my troubled breast
Until the Fairest I'm confest.
I'll shake your curtains every night,
And you shall tremble with affright;
I'll bounce, I'll flounce, I'll rant and rave,
And you shall be a very slave.

[Exit in a rage.
RECITATIVE.
(Paris
alone.)
Sans ceremonie, I dismiss her.
Hey, Mercury!
(Enter Mercury.)
Fetch in Pallas—

Merc.
(bowing)
Yes, Sir—

(Exit. Paris remains, humming.)
Dans le Bon ton,—hey, derry derry.
Dans le Bon ton,
Sur le Gazon,

(until Mercury re-enters, introducing Pallas. He bows and retires. She stands sullen; Paris hops pertly up to kiss her.)
Par.
Servant, my dear!—

(She repulses him with a violent push.)
Pal.
Since when? Spruce Master Jemmy!

Par.
(aside, his hands on his breast as in pain)
That Peg she had from Broughton—demme!
Well, Joan of Arc!—my frumpish Missy!
You might as well ha' let me kiss ye.

Pal.
Paris, no Airs—That Pippin, without musing,
Adjudge to me—

Par.
(ironically)
Bon;—for your Skill in bruising.

Pal.
I'll make your Fortune:—Call me else, Canary.

Par.
My Fortune, Miss!—

Pal.
Ay, in the Milita—ry.

AIR VIII. Bates.
Pal.
Thy sword, thy cannon's thunder,
Shall gain thee store of plunder!
Great Arthur, conquering Ammon,
Ne'er saw such piles of Mammon!
Raise, young Paris, raise thy name!
Away, away to Wealth and Fame!

RECITATIVE.
Par.
(having stared at her with surprize)
Zauns, Miss—What see you in my Figure,
As if I lov'd to draw a Trigger?

AIR IX. Arne.
Par.
Let Heroes delight in the toils of the war,
In maims, blood, and bruises and blows;
Not a sword, but a sword-knot rejoices the Fair:
And what are rough Soldiers to Beaux?
Away then with laurels! come Beauty and Love,
And silence the trumpet and drum;
Let me with soft Myrtle my brows bear inwove,
And tenderly combat at home!

RECITATIVE.
Pal.
Dastard!—Be henceforth, (since you're for that duty)
No Officer of mine.

Par.
(with indifference)
Ni vous—my Beauty.
Now, Merc'ry!—let the Cyprian Belle come.
[Enter Mercury, hands out Pallas, and introduces Venus; then bows, and exit. She advances, smirking Paris, tho' struck with her beauty, trips to salute her with his usual pertness.
Ay this! (to her)
Permettez-moi! (kisses her)


Ven.
(frankly)
And welcome.
(leering, and chucking him under the chin)
My Paris! can you love?

Par.
(aside)
No foolish item.
Yes, Ma'am—kind souls!—I never slight 'em.

Ven.
Well, there's a Judge—one Menelaus—in Sparta;
(A Judge's crest is—Horns—by Magna Charta)
That Judge, he hath a wife—that Wife hight Nelly,
But such a Nell!—at ev'ry glance
The cockles of your heart would dance,
Warm'd as if by Vermicelli.

AIR X.
Helen if you can trepan,
Thou of heroes shalt lead the van!
Never dally,
Shilli-shally;
Faint heart ne'er fair lady won.
Be bold, and play the Man!
That's the plan.
That shape, that jim rigging
Was form'd for intriguing;
And in foreign parts
You'll reign King of Hearts.
Oh, such bliss you've no idea;
She's a peerless Dulcinea!
Wit delighting,
Charms inviting,
Youth inciting,
Helen, Helen to trepan.

RECITATIVE.
Par.
Agreed—touchez!—Now for a Barrel
Of Golden Pippins—We shall never quarrel.
I'll call the Ladies in that went hence.
(Takes the Apple in his hand, crosses the Stage, and calls aloud)
Mercury!—I'm going to Pass Sentence.

(Enter on one Side Mercury, ushering in Juno and Pallas; on the other, Venus alone.)
AIR XI. Venetian Ballad.
Par.
(Bowing to Juno and Pallas.)
Mesdames,—to speech you,
But more might disoblige you;
I therefore beseech you,
Let this Action teach you
My upright Award
By Equity squar'd,
Not Bribe or Pelf;—
The Pippin, on strict scrutiny,
Rests here ,—tho' Losers mutiny.
Fair ye to the bone are;—
But this Belle debonnarie
Is Fairness 'Self.

(Juno and Pallas walk to and fro, stomachful; Venus and Paris bowing and curtsying. Mercury stands tittering.
RECITATIVE.
Juno.
(turning upon Paris enrag'd)
Buzzard!—in real Beauty, Ignoramus!

Pal.
(pointing to Venus)
That lewd Trull's Person was his Fee to bam us.

Juno.
(menacing)
For this,—an old house o'er your Sconce I'll tumble.

Pal.
Poltroon!—Since War you dread, its Din shall rumble
In both your Ears—

Merc.
Ladies!—You're not to grumble.—

AIR XII.
QUARTETTO. Fye now, prithee, John.
Ven.
Nay, nay, prithee, Dames,
Don't call blackguard names:
You no title had—no, nor you.

Pal.
You're a jade—a dirty puss!
And he's a rogue—has cheated us!
But Pallas won't be treated thus:

Ven., Par.
This you shall rue!
A Pippin is not worth this fuss!
And what could he do?

Juno.
Do, you fool? observe my face,
My shape and air, and every grace:
The brightest Queen that e'er was seen!
What eyes had you?

(A furious Symphony; then enter hastily Jupiter, outrageously angry, the thunder-bolt in his hand.)
RECITATIVE.
Jup.
(to Juno and Pallas)
Ye spiteful Jades!—threat not my Puny Judge, else
For him I will, myself, take up the Cudgels—
The proudest She that with him dares to meddle,
I'll make dance Barnaby—without a Fiddle!

AIR XIII. Galluppi.
Jup.
The Lad has well decided:
He judg'd it just as I did.—
Ye cou'd not all Three have it;
He to the Fairest gave it.
Wherein to blame is He?
That he had Eyes to see,
And that the Truth he spoke?
If still ye're stiff and sturdy,
Cocksbobs! I'll make ye smoke!—
My Choler don't provoke;
For, Zouns!—I'll have it so:—
Look to't—I'm at a word wi' ye;—
And now my mind ye know.

RECITATIVE.
Ven.
(to Jupiter coaxingly)
The Dragon!—Dear Papa! have some regard on him.

Jup.
(chucking her under the chin)
Well mov'd!
(nodding to Mercury)
Go, set the Dragon free—I pardon him.

(Exit Mercury. Enter Dragon, making profound obeisance to all.)
AIR XIV. and Last.
SESTETTO. Vivaldi.
Jupiter, Juno, Pallas, Venus, Paris, Dragon.
Jup.
This be the period
Of jars—Shake fists and buss.

Juno., Pal.
Yet, Sir, 'tis very odd,
You'll side with her 'gainst us.
to each other.
Had you been adjudg'd it,
I ne'er shou'd ha' grudg'd it.

Jup.
(to Juno.)
You Puss,
Why grudge Venus?

Ven.
Why to me this mortal hatred?

Par.
Why to me this spleen inveterate?

Jup., Dra.
Why to her this mortal hatred?/such spleen inveterate?

Ven.
Beauty's my sole Gift of Nature:

Par.
Justice mine.

Juno.
(to Paris)
Yours? Venal traitor!

Pal.
(to Venus)
Conceited creature!

Dra.
(to Paris and Venus)
Thank her, she cou'd give no greater.

Juno.
(aside to Pallas)
I have no patience with such flirts.

Pal.
(aside to Juno)
Ne'er heed. We'll stick in both their skirts.

Jup., Dra.
(to both)
Blood! don't again my passion rouze.
He's your Papa, Miss, and your Spouse.

Jup.
(to ditto)
If you will not be cool,
I have for Scolds a School,

Juno., Pal.
You see, Sir, we are cool.

Jup., Juno., Pal., Dra.
We shall/They will not need that School.

Par.
You see, Sir, they are cool.

Juno., Pal., Ven.
Shake hands—We're Friends—No spite.

Par., Jup., Dra.
Be Friends—That's right.

Jup., Dra.
For this good hap
We'll all get fap,
And drain the tap.

Ven.
In peace let's live,

Par.
Forget, forgive.

Juno., Pal.
(aside to each other)
We'll make believe

Jup., Juno., Pal., Ven., Par.
This day shall/Let this day be High Jubilee.

Dra.
(to the Audience
—Applaud, Applaud,
Jove's gracious Nod.