 | A Tragi-Comedy : Called, Match mee in London |  |
ACTVS, IIII.
Flourish.Enter King, Maleuento, Cordolente, Iago, Alphonso, Gazetto, and Tormiella.
King.
Y'aue the best welcome which the Court can yeeld,
For the King giues it you.
Mal.
Your Grace is gracious.
King.
Is this your Father?
Mal.
My proper flesh and bloud Sir.
King.
And that your Husband?
Cor.
Not I sir; I married an honest wench that went in a cap,
no whim whams; I did but shuffle the first dealing, you cut last,
and dealt last, by the same token you turn'd vp a Court Card.
King.
Is the man iealous!
Cor.
No, but a little troubled with the yellow Iaundize, and
you know if it get to the Crowne of the head, a man's gon.
We send not for you hither to be brau'd,
Sirrah cast your darts elsewhere.
Cor.
Amongst the wild Irish Sir hereafter.
King.
'Tis our Queenes pleasure that your wife be call'd
Her woman, and because she will not loose her,
She hath importun'd vs to raise you both;
Your name sir?
Mal.
Mine, Andrada Maleuento.
King.
Andrada Maleuento we make you
Vice-Admirall of our Nauy.
Cor.
Oh spitefull Comedy, he's not a Courtier of halfe an
houres standing, and he's made a Vice already.
King.
We make thy Husband—
Cor.
A Cuckold doe you not.
Mal.
Sonne you forget your selfe.
Cor.
Meddle with your owne office; there's one will looke
that none meddles with mine.
Mal.
Is not a change good?
Cor.
Yes, of a louzie shirt.
King.
Take hence that fellow, he's mad.
Cor.
I am indeed horne-mad, oh me, in the holyest place of
the Kingdome haue I caught my vndoing, the Church gaue mee my bane.
Tor.
What the Church gaue thee, thou hast still.
Cor.
Halfe parts, I thought one had tane thee vp.
Tor.
Take me home with thee, Ile not stay here.
Kin.
Ha!
Tor.
Let me not come to Court.
Mal.
The King is vext, let me perswade thee Sonne
To wincke at small faults.
Cor.
What sir Pandarus!
Tor.
Sends the King you to blush in's roome.
Mal.
Y'are a baggage.
King.
Goe tell the lunatique so; Andrada harke,
Iag.
The King sir bids me sing into your eare,
Sweet notes of place and office which shall fall—
Cor.
Into my mouth, I gape for 'em.
Iag.
He bids me aske what will content you.
Nothing, nothing, why Sir the powers aboue cannot
please vs, and can Kings thinke you, when we are brought forth
to the world, we cry and bawle as if we were vnwilling to bee
borne; and when we are a dying we are mad at that.
King.
Take hence that Wolfe that barkes thus.
Cor.
I am muzzel'd, but one word with your Maiestie, I am sober sir.
King.
So sir.
Cor.
You oft call Parliaments, and there enact
Lawes good and wholesome, such as who so breake
Are hung by th'purse or necke, but as the weake
And smaller flyes i'th Spiders web are tane
When great ones teare the web, and free remaine.
So may that morall tale of you be told,
Which once the Wolfe related: in the Fold
The Shepheards kill'd a sheepe and eate him there
The Wolfe lookt in, and seeing them at such cheere,
Alas (quoth he) should I touch the least part
Of what you teare, you would plucke our my hart,
Great men make Lawes, that whosoe're drawes blood
Shall dye, but if they murder flockes 'tis good:
Ile goe eate my Lambe at home sir.
King.
Part, and thus reckon neuer to see her more.
Cor.
Neuer!
Tor.
Neuer thus, but thus a Princes whore.
Exeunt.
Cor.
Thou dar'st not, if thou do'st, my heart is great,
Thus wrong'd, thou canst doe little if not threat.
Gaz.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Cor.
At what dost laugh?
Gaz.
At a thing of nothing, at thee; why shouldst thou be afraid
to fall into the Cuckolds disease.
Cor.
Because it makes a Doctor an Asse, nothing can cure it,
are you answer'd Sir?
Gaz.
Come th'art a foole, to grieue that thy wife is taken away
by the King to his priuate bed-chamber,
Cor.
Right sir, but could he chuse no stocke to graft vpon, but
that which was planted in my nurserie.
Gaz.
Ile shew thee a reason for that.
Cor.
Why?
Gaz.
Leachers comming to women, are like Mice amongst
many Cheeses, they taste euery one, but feed vpon the best:
hornes rightly weigh'd are nothing.
Cor.
How nothing! oh sir, the smallest Letters hurt your eyes
most, and the least head-ach which comes by a womans knocking
hurts more then a cut to the scull by a mans knocking.
Gaz.
Yet I warrant thou dar'st sweare the party's honest?
Cor.
Ha; sweare; not I, no man durst euer sweare for his wife
but Adam, nor any woman for her husband but Eue, fare you well
sir.
Gaz.
Whether art flying?
Cor.
In peices dost not see I'me shot out of a Cannon.
Exit.
Gaz.
Downewards Ile shoote thee, but as Diuels vse
Ile tickle at thy tortures, dance at thy stumbling,
Play with thee, and then paw thee, 'shalt make me merry
The Crowne of blacke deeds that are hatcht in Hell
Is to out-liue and laugh, and all's play'd well.
Exit.
Enter Clowne, and Coxecombe.
Clo.
I haue not pass'd by a Don, to touch whose hand mine
owne was neuer more troubled with a more terrible itch.
Cox.
I haue not met a Signior, at whom mine owne eyes (as if
roasted enough) did euer burne more in desire to flye out: so
that whether to recoyle or aduance on, I am betweene Hawke
and Buzzard.
Bil.
The honey of sweet Complement so turne vp your
Tuskes or Mochatoes, that they be not too stiffe, to brisle against
my acquaintance.
Cox.
Your acquaintance is a Limbeck, out of which runneth
a perfum'd water, bathing my nosthrils in a strong scent of your
embracings: are you of Court Signior?
No Signior of the City: are you a Don of the Citie!
Cox.
No Signior of the Court City, I smile,
Bil.
Why.
Cox.
I assure you Signior, you are to vs of the Court but Animals
You are held but as shooing hornes to wait on great Lords heeles.
Bil.
Let em pay vs what they owe then, and pull on their
shoes, and wee'll wait no more.
Cox.
You are our Apes.
Bil.
But you are fuller of Apish trickes.
Cox.
No sooner leape our Ladies into a fashion, but your
Wiues are ready to creepe into the same.
Bil.
Why not; for tho some of your Ladies invent the fashion,
some of our wines husbands are neuer pay'd for the stuffe or
making.
Cox.
Giue way with your poore scull to our oares: for I tell
thee Signior you of the city, are the flatten milke of the kingdome,
and wee of the Court, the Creame.
Bil.
I tell thee Signior! wee of the City eate none of your
Court butter, but some of you munch vp our flatten milk cheese.
Cox.
Be not too loud; tho you are good ringers in the City,
for most of you haue bels at your doores.
Bil.
Be not you too loud: for you might be good singers at Court
but that most of you are spoyled in learning your pricksong.
Cox.
Bee temporate: I will shew you your City Cinquipace,
you beare, sweare, teare, reare, and weare; you beare the
Tanckerd, sweare shop oathes, teare money out of debtors
throates, reare rich estates, weare good clothes, but carry your
Conscience in torne pockets.
Bil.
Bee attentiue, I will shew you your Court Coranto
pace, it consisteth of 5. bees and 3. cees; you borrow of any man,
are braue on any termes, brag at any hand to pay, bellow at any
that demands it, bite any Catchpole that fangs you, but carry
neither Conscience nor coyne in your whole pockets.
Cox.
Tell mee Signior, tell mee why in the City does a
a shop?
Bil.
And tell me Signior, tell me, why when you eate our
good cheare i'th City, haue you handsome wide chops, but meeting
vs at Court, none; your gumme's glew'd vp, your lips
coap'd like a Ferret, not so much as the corner of a Custard; if a
cold cup, and a dry cheate loafe 'tis well.
Cox.
Come, come, You are Acornes, and your Sonnes the
Prodigals that eate you vp.
Bil.
Goe, goe, you are Prodigals, and glad of the yellow Acornes
we leaue our Sonnes.
Cox.
I will crosse my selfe when I owe money to a Citizen,
and passe by his doore.
Bil.
I will blesse my selfe, when a Courtier owing me no money,
comes neare my doore.
Cor.
You are discended from the tanckerd generation.
Bil.
You are ascended vp to what you are, from the blacke
Iacke and bumbard distillation.
Cox.
Deere Signior.
Bil.
Delicious Don.
Exeunt.
Enter Don Iohn.
Ioh.
Boy.
Pach.
My Lord.
Ioh.
Art sure thou saw'st the Admirall at Court!
Pach.
Am I sure I see your Lordship in your gowne.
Ioh.
And talking with the King?
Pach.
Most familiarly.
Ioh.
And what say the people about my committing to mine owne house?
Pach.
The beast grinnes at it, there's a Libell already of you my Lord.
Ioh.
A Libell, away.
Pa.
Yes faith my Lord, and a Song to the tune of Lament
Ladies, Lament.
Ioh.
I me glad the stinkards are so merry, a halter on 'em, it's
musick to them to haue euery man thrown off, you haue seen the
Kings Mistris, boy haue you not, what manner of peice is't?
Pach.
Troth my Lord I know not, I neuer saw her shot off, a
pretty little pocket dag.
What report giues she?
Pach.
A very good report of her Husband, but he giues an
ill report of her.
Ioh.
How does the Ladies take it; now the King keepes a
Wench vnder the Queenes nose?
Pach.
They take it passing heauily, it goes to the heart of
some of them, that he keepes not them too.
Ioh.
I heard say they were all once leauing the Court?
Pach.
True sir, but there was a deuise which stopp'd 'em.
Ioh.
Who are you!
Knocking within.
Val.
My Lord, we must speake with you.
Ioh.
What are you? fetch me a weapon
Omn.
Your friends.
King.
'Sdeath breake it open.
Enter King Valasco, and others.
Ioh.
The King; I did not vnderstand your Maiesty.
King.
You shall, for Ile speake plaine to you, know you these?
Ioh.
Not I.
King.
You doe not, a Kings arme thou seest
Has a long reach, as farre as Portugall
Can We fetch treason backe hatcht here by you.
Ioh.
Me!
King.
Thee and the trayterous Portugals to depriue me
Of life and Crowne, but I shall strike their King
And them, and thee beneath into the earth.
Ioh.
And lower then earth you cannot.
King.
Halfe your body is in the graue, it only lackes our hand
To cast the dust vpon you, yet you stand
On slippery Ice your selfe, and trip at vs
Whose foot is fixt on Rocks, but since th'ast, throwne
Thy selfe downe neuer looke to rise.
Ioh.
I care not, I will be little so in debt to you, that I will not
owe you so much as God a mercy for my life.
King.
You shall not then, stand not to ayme at markes
Now roue not but make choyse of one faire white
The Admirall knowes our pleasure.
Exit.
Ioh.
And Heauen knowes mine
Left in mine enemies hand, are you my Iaylor?
Val.
No my Lord, I thinke I'me rather left
To be your Confessor.
Ioh.
I need not any,
That you and I should both meet at one Ball,
I being the stronger, yet you giue the fall.
Val.
A kind of foot-ball slight, my Lord, men vse
Exceeding much at Court, your selfe has heard
Little shrimps haue thrown men higher then the Guard;
But barring this rough play, let's now consider,
For what I stay, and what you are to doe.
Ioh.
Doe what?
Val.
To die.
Ioh.
And must you play the Hangman.
Val.
Breake in fellowes.
Guard.
Ioh.
'Sdeath what are these?
Val.
Your Executioners appointed by the King.
Ioh.
These my Executioners,
And you my ouer-seer, wherefore kneele they?
Val.
To beg your pardon, for they feare their worke
Will neuer please you.
Ioh.
What booke's that they hold
This is no time for Dedications.
Val.
That booke is sent in Loue to you from the King
It containes pictures of strange sundry deaths
He bids you choose the easiest.
Ioh.
Then I chuse this.
Snatches a Halbert.
Val.
Your choyce is ill made.
Ioh.
I'me more sorry Sir,
I had rather haue my body hackt with wounds,
Val.
My Lord pray pardon me
I'me forct to what I doe, 'tis the Kings pleasure
To haue you die in priuate.
Ioh.
Any where
Since I must downe, the King might let me fall
From lofty Pinacles, to make my way
Through an arm'd Feild, yet for all that, euen then
Vnlesse I slew a kingdome full of men
I should at last be pay'd home: blackest fate
Thy worst, I heere defie thee, what the State
Appoints 'tis welcome.
Val.
That's to haue your head.
Ioh.
'Tis ready.
Val.
Hee'l be quiet when you are dead.
Exeunt.
Enter Tormiella, Malevento, and Alphonso.
Alph.
Madam there's a fellow stayes without to speake with you.
Tor.
With me!
Enter Cordolente.
Alph.
Your shoo-maker I thinke.
Tor.
Ha'st brought my shooes?
Cor.
Yes Madam.
Tor.
You drew them not on last.
Cor.
No Madam, my Master that seru'd you last has very
good custome, and deales with other Ladies as well as you, but
I haue fitted you before now, I should know the length of your
foote.
Tor.
I doe not remember thee.
Cor.
I'me sorry you haue forgotten me.
Tar.
What shooe was the last you drew on?
Cor.
A yellow.
Tor.
A yellow! I neuer wore that cullor.
Cor.
Yes Madam by that token when I fitted you first, you wore not your
shoes so high i'th instep, but me thinks you now go cleane awry.
Tor.
A fault I cannot helpe, manie Ladies besides me goe fo,
I hope 'twill grow to a fashion.
Has not that fellow done there?
Cor.
Yes sir, I haue now done, I haue a suit to you Madam,
that none may be your shoo-maker but I.
Tor.
Thy Master thou sayst serues me, I should wrong him then.
Cor.
Yet doe you me more wrong, oh my Tormiella!
Is the leafe torne out where our Loue was writ,
That I am quite forgot!
Tor.
Softly good sweet.
Cor.
Oh miserie, I make my selfe a theefe,
To steale mine owne, another at my fire
Sits whiles I shake with cold, I fatten a stranger,
And starue my selfe.
Tor.
Danger throwes eyes vpon thee,
Thus visit me, watch time for my escape
To any Country, by thy dearest side
Ile lackey all the world o're, Ile not change
Thee for a thousand Kings; there's gold.
Mal.
Not yet done?
Cor.
Yes sir, I'me onely taking instructions to make her a
lower Chopeene, she finds fault that she's lifted too high.
Mal.
The more foole shee.
Enter Iago.
Iag.
The King comes Madam, he enquires for you.
Enter King, Valasco, Gazetto, and others.
King.
My brother Iohn is gone then?
Val.
I ha bestow'd him as you commanded, in's graue.
King.
Hee's best there,
Except the Gods, Kings loue none whom they feare.
How now!
Tor.
My Shoo-maker.
King.
Oh hast fitted her, so, hence sir.
Cor.
As a worme on my belly, what should the Ant,
On his poore Mole-hill braue the Elephant,
No, Signior no,
No braines to stay, but saues a head to goe.
Exit.
King.
Let me haue no more of this: haue not we eyes
Tor.
Angell from Heauen, falne a Kings Concubine.
Exit.
Enter Martines.
Mar.
May it please your Grace.
King.
Ha!
Mar.
Her Highnesse drown'd in sorrow, that your brow
Has beene so long contracted into frownes,
Wishing to die vnlesse she see it smooth'd,
Commends her best loue to you in this Iewell
The Image of her heart.
King.
My Lord Admirall, my wife's growne kind, see!
Val.
One of the happiest houres
Mine age e're numbred; would your Hignesse now
Would fetch vp the red blood her cheekes hath lost
By sending her, some simbole of your loue.
King.
Pray step your selve vnto her, say I locke
My heart vp in your bosome to her vse, and giue it her
Val.
Ile lend it in your name.
King.
Doe.
Val.
She shall pay her heart for it in interest.
Exit.
King.
Ile see her anon
Leaue vs, stay you, and set that Table here.
Exeunt.
A chaire, none trouble vs, doe you serue the Queene?
Mar.
Yes sir.
King.
We know you now, y'are in our eye
Are the doores fast?
Mar.
They are Sir.
King.
Nearer yet,
Doe not you know of a conspiracie,
To take away my life vpon Saint—tush,
No matter for the day, you know the plot Sir?
Mar.
By Heauen I know of none!
King.
Blushing doe you staine?
Mar.
It is not guilt but anger.
King.
Y'aue all fixt
Your hands and Seales to an Indenture drawne
By such a day to kill me.
For my part
My Loyaltie like a rough Diamond shines
The more 'tis cut, I haue no hand in that
Or any basenesse else against your Life
Or Kingdome.
King.
No!
Mar.
None.
King.
Fetch me Inke and Paper
I soone shall try that, come Sir write your name:
Stay, your owne words shall choake you, 'twas a letter
Wrap'd vp in hidden Characters, and sent
Inclos'd in a Pomgranet, to a great Don
And thus subscrib'd: At your pleasure your obsequious vassaile
Write this, and then your name, here.
Mar.
At your pleasure.
King.
Thy hand shakes.
Mar.
No sir, Your obsequious Vassaile.
King.
Here sir, your name now there so low it stood.
Mar.
Martines Cazalla de Barameda.
King.
There's in thy face no Traytor I cannot tell
Good mouthes haue giuen thee to mee, on your life
Be not you like a Wolfes-skin Drum to fright
The whole Heard by your sound, I will compare
Your hand with this, that's all, but sir beware
You prate to none of what 'twixt vs is past.
Mar.
Were I i'th world aboue, I would desire
To come from thence, to giue that man the lye,
That once should dare to blot my Loyalty.
King.
Here take this Key, meet mee some halfe houre hence
i'th priuy Gallery with two naked Poniards.
Mar.
Two ponyards.
Exit.
Enter Gazetto.
King.
Yes, goe send some body in, stay, Lupo
Can you write?
Gaz.
Yes.
King.
Indite a Letter—'sdeath sir—heere begin
After my heartie Commendations, so sir.
King.
How! write—My most admired Mistris.
Gaz.
Mired Mistris,
King.
With the fire you first kindled in me, still I am burnt.
Gaz.
Still I am burnt:
King.
So that Thunder shall not hinder mee from climbing the
highest step of the Ladder.
Gaz.
Climbing the highest step of the Ladder.
King.
Of your perfections, though I bee confounded for euer.
Gaz.
Be confounded for euer.
King.
Your high pleasures are mine, mine yours.
Gaz.
Mine yours.
King.
And I dye euer lastingly vntill I bee in your bosome.
Gaz.
And I dye—vntill I be in your bosome.
King.
So.
Gaz.
So.
King.
Hold.
Gaz.
Here sir.
King.
Where are the Gentlemen of our Chamber?
Gaz.
Without Sir?
King.
Bid them attend vs close.
Gaz.
I shall.
Exeunt.
Enter Martines with two Poniards.
Mar.
Would this dayes worke were done, I doe not like
To see a Bull to wild Fig-tree ty'd
To make him tame, beasts licking 'gainst the hayre
Fore-shew some storme, and I fore-see some snare:
His sword is dipt in oyle, yet does it wound
Deadly, yet stand it, innocence wrong'd is crown'd.
Enter the King, Alphonso, and Gazetto.
Omn.
Treason!
King.
Where?
Omn.
Kill the Villaine.
All draw.
King.
Stay, none touch him
On your liues; on Kings shoulders stand
The heads of the Colossie of the Goddes
(Aboue the reach of Traitors) were the beds
There's thunder in our lookes to breake them all,
Leaue vs.
Omn.
You are too venturous.
Exeunt.
King.
Ioue cannot fall,
Both person place and businesse were quite lost
Out of our memorie, lay aside these poniards
We haue alter'd now our businesse, you shall beare sir
Our salutation to the Queene—not seal'd!
'Sfoot, nor indors'd! some Inke, come let the forehead
Haue no more wrincles in't—but this, to the Queene,
Write it.
Mar.
To the Queene, no more!
King.
No, no, 'tis well,
Hast thou no Seale about thee? if my wife
Exceptions take missing our royall signet
Say that not hauing that, I borrowed yours.
Mar.
I shall Sir.
Exit.
Enter All.
King.
Hide it, goe—without there.
Omn.
Sir.
King.
You met him did you not, how lookt the slaue?
Omn.
Most strangely.
King.
Vnparalel'd Villaine! Diuels could not set
To hatch such spitefull mischiefe, guard me closely,
When you see him at the stake then worry him,
Are all weapon'd?
Omn.
All, all.
King.
When Darts inuisible doe flye,
A slaue may kill a Lyon in the eye.
Exeunt.
Enter Queene, and Tormiella.
Qu.
Who gaue you this?
Tor.
A Gentleman of your Chamber.
Enter Martines.
Qu.
Call in the Villaine,
Thou audatious Serpent!
How dar'st thou wind in knotted curles thy lust
About our honour; where hadst thou this Letter?
I had it from the King.
Qu.
Out impudent Traytor.
Enter King, Iago, Gazetto, Alphonso.
King.
How now at Barle-brake, who are in Hell?
What's that? to the Queene, what Queene!
Qu.
Me, 'tis to me
Your mistris there the Messenger, her Secretary
Hee heere.
King.
Vds death.
Qu.
Your Trulland hee haue laid
Traines to blow vp mine honour, I am betray'd.
King.
Lupo, Fasten her.
Qu.
Fasten mee!
King.
Iago see.
Looke all, bind fast this Diuell, is there no Circle
To be damn'd in but mine.
Qu.
Slaue let me goe.
King.
Oh thou lustfull harlot.
Qu.
Guard me Heauen.
Mar.
I'me sold.
Qu.
Thou Villaine speake truth.
King.
Keepe her off.
Mar.
Most basely
Betray'd and baffled, is that Letter the same
I sent in to the Queene.
Tor.
The very same.
King.
Is this thy hand?
Mar.
'Tis sir, but heare me.
King.
And this thy name, thy hand?
Mar.
My name, my hand.
Qu.
Saue him and let him spit
His blackest poyson forth?
King.
Spare him, vnhand her.
Qu.
Let me haue Iustice as thou art a King!
To prison with them both.
Qu.
As I am thy wife
Make not thy selfe a strompit of me.
King.
Hence, guard her.
Qu.
I come Heauen, guarded with innocence.
Exit.
King.
Follow your Mistris, you.
Tor.
Yes, to her graue.
Oh that I now were swallowed in some Waue.
Exit.
King.
Oh that I
Should in a womans lap my Kingdome lay,
Honour and life, and she should all betray
To a Groome, a slaue.
Iag.
Let not her poyson run
Too neare your heart.
King.
Iago I haue done,
Pray let my greife want company, this wracke
So great, shall make th'whole Kingdome mourn in black.
Exeunt.
Lupo!
Gaz.
Did your Highnesse call!
King.
Yes, harke thee Lupo:
It may bee th'art a Serpent dull of sight,
Be quicke of hearing, may be th'art a Hare
And canst see side-wayes, let me locke vp here,
What euer's layd in there.
Gaz.
I am strongly charm'd.
King.
Wilt venter for me?
Gaz.
To the threshold of hell.
King.
May I trust thee?
Gaz.
Else imploy me not.
King.
Didst euer kill a Scorpion?
Gaz.
Neuer, I ha beene stung by one.
King.
Didst neuer bait a wild Bull?
Gaz.
That's the pastime I most loue and follow.
King.
A strange disease
Onely of these two beasts must doe me good,
Dar'st thou attempt to kill them?
Gaz.
Were they Diuels
With heads of Iron, and Clawes ioynted with brasse,
Encounter them I shall, in what Parke run they?
King.
The Queene that Scorpion is, Tormiellas husband
The mad Oxe broken loose; in a small volume
What mischiefe may be writ, in a maze!
Gaz.
No, in a muse,
I'me plotting how to doe't, and to come off.
King.
This does it, by this key burst vp all doores
That can betray thee, done be sure to rise,
Let a Kings royall breath, send the hence flying.
Gaz.
As Powder does the Bullet.
King.
Heap'd vp honours
Are scedules to thine enterprise annext,
Doe it and mount—
Gaz.
To th'Gallowes.
King.
Thy selfe goes next.
Exit.
Gaz.
I scorne to be thy bloud hound
Why should I vexe a Soule did neuer greeue me?
The Queene an honest Lady: should I kill her,
It were as if I pull'd a Temple downe,
And from the ruines of that built vp a stewes,
She liues, but Butcher like the Oxe Ile vse.
Exit.
| A Tragi-Comedy : Called, Match mee in London | |