 | The Honest Whore, With The Humours of the Patient Man, and the Longing Wife |  |
11. SCE.
Enter Fustigo, Crambo and Poh.Fus.
Hold vp your hands gentlemen: heres one, two, three,
(nay I warrant they are sound pistols, and without flawes, I
had them (of my sister, and I know she vses to put nothing
thats crackt,) three, foure, fiue, sixe, seuen, eight and nine, by
this hand bring me but a piece of his bloud. and you shall
haue 9. more. Ile lurke in a tauerne not far off, & prouide supper
to close vp the end of the Tragedy, the linnen drapers remēber-stand
toot I beseech you, & play your partes perfectly.
Cram.
Looke you Signior, tis not your golde that we way.
Fust.
Nay, nay, way it and spare not, if it lacke one graine of corne;
Ile giue you a bushell of wheate to make it vp.
Cram.
But by your fauour Signior, which of the seruants
Fust.
Mary tis the head man; you shall tast him by his
tongue a pretty tall prating felow, with a Tuscalonian beard.
Po.
Tuscalonian: very good.
Fust.
Cods life I was neere so thrumbd since I was a gentleman:
my coxcombe was dry beaten as if my haire had beene
hemp.
Cram.
Wele dry beate some of them.
Fust.
Nay it grew so high, that my sister cryed murder out
very manfully: I haue her consent in a manner to haue him
pepperd, els ile not doot to win more then ten cheaters do at a
rifling: breake but his pate or so, onely his mazer, because
ile haue his head in a cloath a swell as mine, hees a linnen draper
and may take enough. I could enter mine action of battery
against him, but we may haps be both dead and rotten before
the lawyers would end it.
Cram.
No more to doe, but insconce your selfe i'th taueren;
prouide no great cheare, couple of Capons, some Phesants,
Plouers, an Oringeado-pie or so: but how bloudy so ere the
day be, sally you not forth.
Fust.
No, no, nay if I stir, some body shal stinke: ile not budge:
ile lie like a dog in a manger.
Cram.
Well, well, to the tauerne, let not our supper be raw,
for you shall haue blood enough-your belly full.
Fust.
Thats all so god same, I thirst after, bloud for bloud,
bump for bump, nose for nose, head for head, plaster for plaster,
and so farewell: what shal I call your names because ile
leaue word, if any such come to the barre.
Cram.
My name is Corporall Crambo.
Poh.
and mine, Lieutenant Poh.
Exeunt.
Cram., Poh.
Is as tall a man as euer opened Oyster: I would
not be the diuell to meete Poh, farewell.
Fust.
Nor I by this light, if Poh be such a Poh.
Exeunt.
Enter Condidoes wife, in her shop, and the two Prentises.
Wife
Whats a clocke now.
1. Pren.
Tis almost 12.
Thats well.
The Senate will leaue wording presently:
But is George ready,
2. Pre.
Yes forsooth, hees furbusht.
Wife
Now as you euer hope to win my fauour,
Throw both your duties and respects on him,
With the like awe as if he were your maister,
Let not your lookes betray it with a smile,
Or ieering glaunce to any customer,
Keepe a true Setled countenance, and beware,
You laugh not whatsoeuer you heare or see.
2. Pren.
I warrant you mistris, let vs alone for keeping our
countenance: for if I list, theres neuer a foole in all Myllan shal
make me laugh, let him play the foole neuer so like an Asse,
whether it be the fat Court foole, or the leane Cittie foole.
Wife
enough then, call downe George.
2. Pren.
I heare him comming.
Enter George.
Wife
Be redy with your legs then let me see,
How curtzy would become him: gallantly!
Beshrew my bloud a proper seemely man,
Of a choice carriage walkes with a good port,
Geo.
I thanke you mistris, my back's broad enough, now
my Maisters gown's on.
Wif.
Sure I should thinke it were the least of sin,
To mistake the maister, and to let him in.
Geo.
Twere a good Comedy of errors that yfaith.
2. Pre.
whist, whist, my maister.
Enter Candido, and Exit presently.
Wif.
You all know your taskes: gods my life, whats that
hee has got vpon's backe? who can tell?
Geo.
That can I, but I will not.
Wife
Girt about him like a mad-man: what: has he
lost his cloake too: this is the maddest fashion that ere I saw.
What said he George when he pasde by thee?
Troth Mistris nothing: not so much as a Bee, he did
not hum: not so much as a bawd he did not hem: not so
much as a Cuckold he did not ha: neither hum, hem, nor ha,
onely starde me in the face, past along, and made hast in, as if
my lookes had workt with him, to giue him a stoole.
Wi.
Sure hees vext now, this trick has mou'd his Spleene,
Hees angred now, because he vttred nothing:
And wordlesse wrath breakes out more violent,
May be heele striue for place, when he comes downe,
But if thou lou'st me George, affoord him none.
Geo.
Nay let me alone to play my maisters prize, as long as
my Mistrisse warrants me: Ime sure I haue his best clothes
on, and I scorne to giue place to any that is inferiour in apparell
to me, thats an Axiom, a principle, & is obseru'd as much
as the fashion; let that perswade you then, that lie shoulder
with him for the vpper hand in the shop, as long as this
chaine will mainteine it.
Wi.
Spoke with the spirit of a Maister, tho with the
tongue of a Prentise.
Enter Candido like a Prentise.
Why how now mad-man? what in your tricksicoates!
Cand.
O peace good Mistrisse:
Enter Crambo and Poli.
See what you lack, what ist you buy? pure Callicoes, fine
Hollands, choise Cambrickes, neate Lawnes: see what you
buy? pray come neere, my Maister will vse you well, hee can
affoord you a pennyworth.
Wi.
I that he can, out of a whole peece of Lawne yfaith.
Cand.
Pray see your choice here Gentlemen.
Wi.
O fine foole? what a mad-man? a patient mad-man?
who euer heard of the like? well sir Ile fit you and your humour
presently: what? crosse-points, Ile vntie em all in a trice,
Ile vex you faith: Boy take your cloake, quick, come.
Exit.
Cand.
Be couered George, this chaine, and welted gowne,
Bare to this coate: then the worlds vpside downe,
Geo.
Vmh, vmh, hum.
Cram.
Thats the shop, and theres the fellow.
Poli.
I but the Maister is walking in there.
No matter, weele in.
Poh.
Sbloud doest long to lye in Limbo?
Cram.
And Limbo be in hell, I care not.
Cand.
Looke you Gentlemen, your choise: Cambricks?
Cramb.
No sir, some shirting.
Cand.
You shall.
Cram.
Haue you none of this strip'd Canuas for doublets.
Cand.
None strip'd sir, but plaine.
2. Pren.
I thinke there be one peece strip'd within.
Geo.
Step sirra and fetch it, hum, hum hum.
Cand.
Looke you Gentlemen, Ile make but one spreding,
heres a peece of cloth, fine, yet shall weare like Yron, tis
without fault, take this vpon my word, tis without fault.
Cram.
Then tis better than you sirra.
Cand.
I, and a number more, ô that each soule
Were but as spotlesse as this Innocent white,
And had as few brakes in it.
Cram.
Twould haue some then: there was a fray here last
day in this shop.
Cand.
There was indeed a little flea-biting.
Poh.
A Gentleman had his pate broake, call you that but
a flea-biting.
Cand.
He had so.
Cram.
Zownes doe you stand in't?
He strikes him.
Geo.
Sfoot clubs, clubs, prentices, downe with em, ah you
roagues, strike a Cittizen in's shop.
Cand.
None of you stir I pray, forbeare good George.
Cram.
I beseech you sir, we mistooke our markes, deliver
vs our weapons.
Geo.
Your head bleeds sir, cry clubs.
Cand.
I say you shall not, pray be patient,
Giue them their weapons, sirs you're best be gone,
I tell you here are boyes more tough then Beares:
Hence, least more fists do walke about your eares.
Both.
We thanke you sir.
Exeunt.
Can.
You shall not follow them.
Let them alone pray, this did me no harme,
Troth I was cold, and the blow made me warme,
To haue a vaine prickt, I did meane to bleede,
So that theres mony sau'd: they are honest men,
Pray vse em well, when they appeare agen.
Geo.
Yes sir, weele vse em like honest men.
Cand.
I well said George, like honest men, tho they be arrant
knaues, for thats the praise of the citty; helpe to lay vp
these wares
Enter his wife, with Officers.
Wife
Yonder he stands.
Off.
What in a Prentise-coate?
Wif.
I, I, mad, mad, pray take heed.
Cand.
How now? what newes with them? what make they
with my wife? officers is she attachd? looke to your wares.
Wif.
He talkes to himselfe, oh hees much gone indeed.
Off.
Pray pluck vp a good heart, be not so fearfull,
Sirs hearke, weele gather to him by degrees.
Wi.
I, I. by degrees I pray: oh me! what makes he with
the Lawne in his hand, heele teare all the ware in my shop.
Off.
Feare not weele catch him on a sudden.
Wi.
O you had need do so, pray take heed of your warrant
Off.
I warrant mistris.—Now Signior Candido?
Cand.
Now sir, what newes with you sir?
Wi.
What newes with you he sayes: oh hees far gon.
Off.
I pray feare nothing, lets alone with him,
Signior, you looke not like your selfe me thinkes,
(Steale you a tother side) y'are changde, y'are altred.
Cand.
Changde sir, why true sir, is change strange, tis not
the fashion vnlesse it alter: Monarkes turne to beggers; beggers
creepe into the nests of Princes, Maisters serue their
prentises: Ladies their Seruingmen, men turne to women.
Off.
And women turne to men.
Cand.
I, and women turne to men, you say true, ha ha, a
mad world, a mad world.
Off.
Haue we caught you sir?
Cand.
Caught me: well, well: you haue caught me.
Wi.
Hee laughes in your faces.
A rescue Prentises, my maister's catch-pold.
Off.
I charge you keepe the peace, or haue your legs gartered
with Yrons, we haue from the Duke a warrant strong
enough for what we doe.
Cand.
I pray rest quiet, I desire no rescue.
Wi.
La: he desires no rescue, las poore heart,
He talkes against himselfe.
Cand.
Well, whats the matter?
Off.
Looke to that arme,
Pray make sure worke, double the cord.
Cand.
Why, why?
Wi.
Looke how his head goes! should he get but loose,
Oh twere as much as all our liues were worth.
Off.
Feare not, weele make all sure for our owne safetie.
Cand.
Are you at leisure now? well, whats the matter?
Why do I enter into bonds thus? ha?
Off.
Because y'are mad put feare vpon your wife.
Wi.
Oh I, I went in danger of my life, euery minute.
Cand.
What? am I mad say you, and I not know it?
Off.
That proues you mad, because you know it not.
Wif.
Pray talke as little to him as you can,
You see hees too farre spent.
Cand.
Bound with strong corde,
A Cisters thred yfaith had beene enough,
To lead me any where: Wife do you long?
You are mad too, or els you do me wrong.
Geo.
But are you mad indeed Maister?
Cand.
My Wife sayes so,
And what she saye; George, is all trueth you know:
And whether now? to Bethlem Monastery?—ha! whether?
Off.
Faith eene to the mad-mens pound.
Cand.
A Gods name, still I feele my patience sound.
Exe.
Geo.
Come weele see whether he goes, if the maister be
mad, we are his seruants, and must follow his steps, weele
be mad caps too; Farewell mistrisse, you shall haue vs all in
Bedlam.
Exeunt.
Wi.
I thinke, I ha fitted now, you and your clothes,
If this moue not his patience, nothing can,
Exit.
| The Honest Whore, With The Humours of the Patient Man, and the Longing Wife | |