Miscellaneous writings of the late Dr. Maginn edited by Dr. Shelton Mackenzie |
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A Twist-imony in Favour of Gin-Twist.
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 | Miscellaneous writings of the late Dr. Maginn |  |
289
A Twist-imony in Favour of Gin-Twist.
1
At one in the morn, as I went staggering home,With nothing at all in my hand, but my fist,
At the end of the street, a good youth I did meet
Who ask'd me to join in a jug of gin-twist.
2
“Though 'tis late,” I replied, “and I'm muggy beside,Yet, an offer like this I could never resist;
So let's waddle away, sans a moment's delay,
And in style we'll demolish your jug of gin-twist.”
3
The friends of the grape, may boast of rich Cape,Hock, Claret, Madeira, or Lachryma Christ,
But this muzzle of mine was never so fine,
As to value them more than a jug of gin-twist.
4
The people of Nantz, in the Kingdom of France,Bright brandy they brew, liquor not to be hiss'd;
It may do as a dram, but, 'tis not worth a damn,
When water'd, compared with a jug of gin-twist.
5
Antigua, Jamaica,—they certainly make aGrand species of rum, which should ne'er be dismiss'd;
It is splendid as grog, but never, you dog,
Esteem it as punch, like a jug of gin-twist.
290
6
Ye Bailies of Glasgow! Wise men of the West!Without your rum bowls, you'd look certainly tristes;
Yet I laugh when I'm told, that liquor so cold
Is as good as a foaming hot jug of gin-twist.
7
The bog-trotting Teagues, in clear whiskey delight,Preferring potsheen to all drinks that exist;
I grieve, ne'ertheless, that it does not possess
The juniper smack of a jug of gin-twist.
8
Farintosh and Glenlivit, I hear, are the boastOf those breechesless heroes, the Sons of the Mist;
But, may I go choke, if that villainous smoke
I'd name in a day with a jug of gin-twist.
9
Yet the Celtic I love, and should join them, by Jove!Though Glengarry should vow I'd no right to enlist;
For that Chief, do you see, I'd not care a bawbee,
If strongly entrench'd o'er a jug of gin-twist.
10
One rule they lay down is the reason, I own,Why from joining their plaided array I desist;
Because they declare, that no one shall wear
Of breeches a pair, o'er their jugs of gin-twist.
11
This is plainly absurd, I give you my word,Of this bare-rump'd reg'lation I ne'er saw the gist;
In my gay corduroys, can't these philabeg boys
Suffer me to get drunk o'er my jug of gin-twist?
12
In India they smack a liquor call'd rack,Which I never quaff'd, (at least that I wist;)
I'm told 'tis like tow in its taste, and so,
Very different stuff from a jug of gin-twist.
13
As for porter and ale—'fore Gad, I turn pale,When people on such things as these can insist;
They may do for dull clods, but, by all of the gods!
They are hog-wash when match'd with a jug of gin-twist,
291
14
Why tea we import, I could never conceive;To the mandarin folk, to be sure, it brings grist;
But in our western soils, the spirits it spoils,
While to heaven they are raised by a jug of gin-twist.
15
Look at Hazlitt and Hunt, most unfortunate pair!Black and blue from the kicks of a stern satirist;
But would Mynheer Izzard once trouble their gizzard,
If bohea they exchanged for a jug of gin-twist?
16
Leibnitz held that this earth was the first of all worlds,And no wonder the buck was a firm optimist;
For 'twas always his use, as a proof to adduce,
Of the truth of his doctrine, a jug of gin-twist.
17
It cures all the vapours and mulligrub capers;It makes you like Howard, the philanthro-pist;
Woe, trouble, and pain, that bother your brain,
Are banish'd out clean, by a jug of gin-twist.
18
You turn up your nose at all your foes,Abuse you, traduce you, they may if they list:
The lawyers, I'm sure, would look very poor,
If their clients would stick to their jugs of gin-twist.
19
There's Leslie, my friend, who went ramstam to law,Because Petre had styled him a poor Hebraist;
And you see how the Jury, in spite of his fury,
Gave him comfort far less than one jug of gin-twist.
20
And therefore, I guess, Sir, the celebre Professor,Even though culpably quizz'd as a mere sciolist,
292
And got drunk with Kit North o'er a jug of gin-twist.
22
By its magical aid, a toper is made,Like Brockden Brown's hero, a ventriloquist;
For my belly cries out, with an audible shout,
“Fill up every chink with a jug of gin-twist.”
23
Geologers all, great, middling, and small,Whether fiery Plutonian or wet Neptunist,
Most gladly, it seems, seek proofs for their schemes,
In the water, or spirit, of a jug of gin-twist.
24
These grubbers of ground, (whom God may confound!)Forgetting transition, trap, hornblende, or schist,
And all other sorts, think only of quartz—
I mean, of the quarts in a jug of gin-twist.
25
Though two dozen of verse I've contriv'd to rehearse,Yet still I can sing like a true melodist;
For they are but asses, who think that Parnassus
In spirit surpasses a jug of gin-twist.
26
It makes you to speak Dutch, Latin, or Greek;Even learning Chinese very much 'twould assist:
I'll discourse you in Hebrew, provided that ye brew
A most Massorethical jug of gin-twist.
27
When its amiable stream, all enveloped in steam,Is dash'd to and fro by a vigorous wrist,
How sweet a cascade every moment is made
By the artist who fashions a jug of gin-twist!
28
Sweet stream! there is none but delights in thy flow,Save that vagabond villain, the Whig atheist;
293
When he dared to wage war 'gainst a jug of gin-twist.
29
Don't think, by its name, from Geneva it came,The sour little source of the Kirk Calvinist—
A fig for Jack Calvin, my processes alvine
Are much more rejoiced by a jug of gin-twist.
30
Let the Scotsman delight in malice and spite,The black-legs at Brooke's, in hazard or whist;
Tom Dibdin in books—Micky Taylor in cooks,
My pleasure is fixed in a jug of gin-twist.
31
Though the point of my nose grow as red as a rose,Or rival in hue a superb amethyst,
Yet no matter for that, I tell you 'tis flat,
I shall still take a pull at a jug of gin-twist.
32
There was old Cleobulus, who meaning to fool us,Gave out for his saying, to metpon apist';
But he'd never keep measure, if he had but the pleasure
Of washing his throat with a jug of gin-twist.
294
33
There are dandies and blockheads, who vapour and boastOf the favours of girls they never have kiss'd;
That is not the thing, and therefore by jing!
I kiss while I'm praising my jug of gin-twist.
34
While over the glass, I should be an ass,To make moping love like a dull Platonist;
That ne'er was my fashion, I swear that my passion
In as hot as itself for a jug of gin-twist.
35
Although it is time to finish my rhyme,Yet the subject's so sweet, I can scarcely desist;
While its grateful perfume is delighting the room,
How can I be mute o'er a jug of gin-twist?
36
Yet since I've made out, without any doubt,Of its merits and glories a flourishing list,
Let us end with a toast, which we cherish the most,
Here's “God save the King!” in a glass of gin-twist.
Moral.
Then I bade him good night in a most jolly plight,But I'm sorry to say that my footing I missed;
All the stairs I fell down, so I batter'd my crown,
And got two black eyes from a jug of gin-twist.
| Miscellaneous writings of the late Dr. Maginn | |