Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York
WALL, fer a long time I had my mind made up that I'd cum down to New
York, and so a short time ago, as I had my crops all gathered in and
produce sold I calculated as how it would be a good time to come down
here. Folks at home said I'd be buncoed or have my pockets picked fore
I'd bin here mor'n half an hour; wall, I fooled 'em a little bit, I wuz
here three days afore they buncoed me. I spose as how there are a good
many of them thar bunco fellers around New York, but I tell you them
thar street keer conductors take mighty good care on you. I wuz ridin'
along in one of them keers, had my pockit book right in my hand, I
alowed no feller would pick my pockits and git it long as I had it in my
hand, and it shet up tight as a barrel when the cider's workin'. Wall
that conductor feller
he jest kept his eye on me, and every little bit he'd put his head in
the door and say "hold fast." But I'm transgressin' from what I
started to tell ye. I wuz ridin' along in one of them sleepin' keers
comin' here, and along in the night some time I felt a feller rummagin'
around under my bed, and I looked out jest in time to see him goin' away
with my boots, wall I knowed the way that train wuz a runnin' he
couldn't git off with them without breakin' his durned neck, but in
about half an hour he brot them back, guess they didn't fit him. Wall I
wuz sort of glad he took em cause he hed em all shined up slicker 'n a
new tin whistle. Wall when I got up in the mornin' my trubbles
commenced. I wuz so crouded up like, durned if I could git my clothes
on, and when I did git em on durned if my pants wa'nt on hind side
afore, and my socks got all tangled up in that little fish net along
side of the bed and I couldn't git em out, and I lost a bran new collar
button that I traded Si Pettingill a huskin' peg fer, and I got my right
boot on my left foot and the left one on the right foot, and I wuz so
durned badly mixed up I didn't know which way the train wuz a runnin',
and I bumped my head on the roof
of the bed over me, and then sot down right suddin like to think it over
when some feller cum along and stepped right squar on my bunion and I
let out a war whoop you could a heerd over in the next county. Wall,
along cum that durned porter and told me I wuz a wakin' up everybody in
the keer. Then I started in to hunt fer my collar button, cause I sot a
right smart store by that button, thar warns another one like it in
Punkin Centre, and I thought it would be kind of doubtful if they'd have
any like it in New York, wall I see one stuck right in the wall so I
tried to git it out with my jack knife, when along came that durned
black jumpin' jack dressed in soldier clothes and ast me what I wanted,
and I told him I didn't want anything perticler, then he told me to quit
ringin' the bell, guess he wuz a little crazy, I didn't see no bell.
Wall, finally I got my clothes on and went into a room whar they had a
row of little troughs to wash in, and fast as I could pump water in the
durned thing it run out of a little hole in the bottom of the trough so
I jest had to grab a handful and then pump some more. Wall after that
things went along purty well fer a right smart while, then I et a snack
out of my carpet bag and
felt purty good. Wall that train got to runnin' slower and slower 'till
it stopped at every house and when it cum to a double house it stopped
twice. I hed my ticket in my hat and I put my head out of the window to
look at suthin' when the wind blew my hat off and I lost the durned old
ticket, wall the conductor made me buy another one. I hed to buy two
tickets to ride once, but I fooled him, he don't know a durned thing
about it and when he finds it out he's goin to be the maddest conductor
on that railroad, I got a round trip ticket and I ain't a goin' back on
his durned old road. When I got off the ferry boat down here I commenced
to think I wuz about the best lookin' old feller what ever cum to New
York, thar wuz a lot of fellers down thar with buggies and kerridges and
one thing and another, and jest the minnit they seen me they all
commenced to holler—handsome—handsome. I didn't know I wuz so durned
good lookin'. One feller tried to git my carpet bag and another tried to
git my umbreller, and I jest told 'em to stand back or durned if I
wouldn't take a wrestle out of one or two of them, then I asked one of
'em if he could haul me up to the Sturtevessant hotel, and by gosh I
never
heered a feller stutter like that feller did in all my life, he said
ye-ye-ye-yes sir, and I said wall how much air you a goin' to charge me,
and he said f-f-f-fif-fif-fifty c-c-cents, and I sed wall I guess I'll
ride with you, but don't
stop to talk about it any more cause I'd kinder like to git thar. Wall
we started out and when we stopped we wuz away up at the other end of
the town whar thar warn't many houses, and I sed to him, this here ain't
the Sturtevessant hotel, and he sed n-n-n-no s-s-n-n-no sir, I sed why
didn't you let me out at the hotel like I told ye, and he sed, b-b-b-be
c-c-c b-b-because I c-c-c-c-couldn't s-s-s-say w-w-w-whoa q-q-q-q-quick
enough. Wall I hed a great time with that feller, but I got here at
last.
[Description: Image of Uncle Josh with Hansom Cabs]