University of Virginia Library

Tableau (or Act) Third.

—The Palace of Pluto—In the centre his throne—on either side grated gates of bronze, through which is seen at a distance the Infernal Regions, and the river Styx, and the Elysian Fields.
Enter Eurydice.
Eury.
Not yet returned!—no news!—and not a soul
To speak to in this sulphurous black hole
Except a horrible three-headed cur,
Who won't allow me out of doors to stir.
Not that I've any wish that way to wander,
(pointing)
Nor even on the banks of Styx to ponder;
But if I'd only somebody to talk with,
Or in the Elysian Fields to take a walk with—
When I say body, I, of course, mean shade.
If this much longer lasts I am afraid
I to regret my husband shall begin.
And almost wish to hear his violin!
Nothing can stronger prove my desperation,
Than the idea of such an inclination.

Enter Cerberus.
Cer.
Did you call, madam?

Eury.
Call? good gracious! no!
You ugly dog! what do you want here? go!

Cer.
I thought I heard you call.

Eury.
Then you thought wrong.

Cer.
(aside)
She sets my heart a-beating like a gong.
She is so lovely! I ne'er saw a shade
With such a colour, nor so sweetly made!
(aloud)
I'm very sorry that you didn't call.

Eury.
Wherefore?

Cer.
Because you want nothing at all!
If you did—oh! 'twould give me such great pleasure
To come—to go—to fetch—to carry—

Eury.
Eh! Sure
The dog's gone mad!

Cer.
He has, with love for you!
You've turned my three heads, until what to do I know not!

Eury.
Turn out, instantly! or you
Shall have your three heads knocked against each other
Soon as your master comes.

Cer.
My master! Smother
My master in his own dun smoke. I weary
Of being porter in this palace dreary.
I who once had a palace of my own!
Aye, madam! and who sat upon a throne
Compared to which this is a shabby stool!
Yes! I! This mongrel hound!—Let me be cool,
If it be possible in such a place—
Was once a king!

Eury.
Really! is that the case?

Cer.
Song—Cerberus.

Eury.
'Tis strange; but no doubt true! I've a strong notion
There's much about you yet that is Bœotian.
Out of respect, sir, for your former state,
I beg on me you will no longer wait.

Cer.
(aside)
She treats me like a dog! (aloud)
Oh, madam!

Eury.
Hark!
(Pluto and Jupiter appear at gate)
There's some one at the gate? and you don't bark?

Cer.
No! 'Tis my master, and though full of spite,
I'm not the dog to bark when I can't bite.

Eury.
Pluto! And who seeks with him this dark clime?

Cer.
Jupiter.

Eury.
Oh, by Jupiter, how prime!
I've always heard he is so fond of ladies;
Perhaps he'll kindly take one out of Hades.

Enter Jupiter and Pluto.
Eury. and Cer.
Hail, mighty Jove!

Plu.
(to Cerberus)
What do you here about?

Jup.
Rise, fair Eurydice.

Pluto.
(to Cerberus)
And you—get out!

(Exit Cerberus)
Jup.
(aside)
Faith! she is positively quite bewitching!
To think of such a gem this rogue enriching.

Plu.
Now ask her; let her say it if she can,
That I ran off with her from any man,
She trod upon an adder, 'twas her fate;
She must have walked down here at any rate.
For Tartarus I happened to be bound,
And was just starting by the Underground,
So took compassion on her pretty feet,
And in my carriage offered her a seat!
Now, I should like to know how I'm to blame.
I ask you—wouldn't you have done the same?

Jup.
All very specious, sir; but to arrive at
The truth, I must examine her in private.

Plu.
In private?

Jup.
Yes, she may say that to me,
She wouldn't say to you.

Plu.
(aside)
Zounds! that may be.
(to Eurydice)
Eurydice, I'm very ill at ease—

Jup.
No tampering with the witness, if you please.
Go play the host to each Olympic visitor,
And leave me here to play the Grand Inquisitor.

Plu.
(aside)
Inquisitor indeed! I'm on the rack!
(aloud)
I go! (aside)
But, trust me—I will soon be back!
(Exit Pluto)

Jup.
Now, madam! freely make to Jove your prayer.

Eury.
I'm sighing for a little change of air.

Jup.
You would not longer here with Pluto stay?

Eury.
Oh, no, indeed—not for a single day.

Pluto re-enters behind and listens.
Jup.
You do not love him, then?

Eury.
Love Pluto! No!

Jup.
Delightful! Who on earth then was your beau?

Eury.
As Aristæus, he with honeyed tongue
Won my poor heart—for he was handsome—young.
How could I fancy one so sweet and civil
Would turn out, when at home—the very devil!

Jup.
The case is much too common—I could name
Hundreds of women who've said just the same!
Not that it mends his case the least in life—
The vile impostor! And with such a wife!

Eury.
A wife! And is he married too? The wretch!

Jup.
My grand-daughter—whom he'd the luck to catch
Much as he did you, and down here to carry her.
But, faith, I punished him—I made him marry her!
I'm glad I cannot make him marry you.

Eury.
I'm very glad of it, I'm sure, sir, too!

Jup.
But Jove will do you justice—never fear!
You shall not tarry in these regions drear;
Up to Olympus I will bear thee, sweet,
And lap thee in Elysium!

Eury.
What a treat!
Let's fly this minute! Mercy! Who are these?

(Pluto flings open door of banquet chamber, and enter Juno and all the Gods and Goddesses, crowned with flowers, and bearing goblets)
Jup.
My wife, with all the rout of Deities!

Chorus.
Fill bumpers up!—pour bumpers down!
Here's to our royal host,
The King who wears the iron crown!
Do honour to the toast!
Instead of melancholy,
He makes us awful jolly!
His spicy wines inspire us,
His ardent spirits fire us!
'Tis he rules the roast.
Fill bumpers up! pour bumpers down, &c.
The realm where he obeyed is
For us exactly made is.
All care in Lethe drown,
And drink the King of Hades,
Who wears the iron crown!

(Jupiter introduces Eurydice to Juno and the principal Deities, who enter)
Jup.
(to Juno)
My dear—the lady you have heard so much of.

Juno.
(drawing herself up)
She's no great sight. Here there are plenty such of!

Eury.
Madam!

Jup.
(aside to Eurydice)
Don't mind her; she means nothing wrong;
But Pluto's coffee's evidently strong.

Plu.
(aside)
It's strong enough to keep me wide awake,
As you shall both find out, and no mistake!

Recitative.
Jup.
Now, by way of change, with the fair Eurydice
A minuet I'll dance, like the great King Louis.

(Jupiter leads out Eurydice, and Mercury, Hebe)
Minuet.
Diana, Venus, Minerva, and Cupid.
With what an easy air he bows and glides;
Really, when you see him dance-a,
Had he but the wig besides,
You'd take him for the King of France-a!
None can surely walk a minuet
With such perfect elegance-a!
Of the ballet he's the pet;
Jupiter is the vrai Dieu de la danse-a!
Vestris, in his greatest day,
Never moved with more grace;
E'en Terpsichore might say,
“I to Jove give place.”
With what an easy air, &c.

Chorus.
The ball now to finish let us all,
Both great and small, dance, in this hall,
A galopade fantastical!
This ball now to finish, let us all,
Both great and small, dance, in this hall,
A “Galop Infernal!”
La, la, la, &c.

Galop—at the end of which, all except Jupiter, Eurydice, and Pluto, who watches them, appear completely exhausted and out of breath)
Jup.
This favourable moment let me seize,
And gallop off.

Plu.
(advancing)
No further if you please.

Jup.
Plague take him! Pluto! If Jove pleases, who
Shall stop him?

Plu.
Jove himself! Come, master Ju,
No swaggering. I'm up to all your tricks.
Have you forgotten what you swore by Styx?
Her husband's coming, to whom you are bound
To give her up, if guilty I was found.

Eury.
My husband!

Jup.
Burn the Styx!

Eury.
Coming for me?
Oh no, he never would!

Plu.
Well, we shall see.
(violin heard in distance)
Hark!

Eury.
Yes, that is the sound of his Cremona,
Of which he is so proud to be the owner,
He must be mad!

Plu.
If not, you'll make him so.

Eury.
Great Jupiter! and will you let me go?

Plu.
He can't avoid it. It is now, false shade,
My turn to triumph!

Jup.
(to Eurydice)
Don't you be afraid.
I've hit upon a plan. (aloud)
Ho! all ye Deities!
Resume your gravities, and leave your gaieties.
The plaintiff in this case now comes to pray
The Court for judgment on an early day.
Behold him yonder, with my learned brother;
Call, “Orpheus versus Pluto and another.”

(Orpheus and Public Opinion are seen arriving in the boat of Charon, on the river Styx—Jupiter takes his seat on Pluto's throne—Orpheus and Public Opinion land and advance)
Orph.
Great King of—

(addressing Jupiter)
Jup.
That will do! The case we've heard,
And judgment longer shall not be deferred.
Pluto, the Court now orders to restore
To your fond arms the wife whom you adore.

Orph.
My joy o'erwhelms me. Jove is far too good.

Jup.
On one condition be it understood,
For reasons perfectly inexplicable,
And which no mortal ever will be able
To comprehend. It is our high decree—
To earth you must precede Eurydice,
Who in your steps will follow close; but mind you
Whate'er may hap you must not look behind you.
Though you have now evinced most rare affection,
Your antecedents won't bear retrospection.
So take fair warning—ere you reach yon shore
Look once behind—you're where you were before!

Plu.
But I don't understand!

Jup.
Who said you did?
Orpheus, forward! March as you are bid!

Concerted Piece.
Pub. O.
(to Orpheus)
Not one glance must you cast behind you.
Upon the ground your eyes now fix.
The stakes are not won, mind you,
Till you have gained the Styx.

(Public Opinion turns Orpheus round with his face to the gate, and precedes him slowly— Eurydice follows Orpheus reluctantly at the command of Jupiter.
Di., Ven., Min. and Cupid.
Poor husband! What will be his lot?
He will look back! He will not!
He will! He will not!
Of coffee I will bet a pot!
He will look back! He will not!
He will! He will not!

Jup.
Upon his curiosity have I in vain relied?

Pub. O.
(passing the gate)
We triumph! Oh, what joy!
What pride!

Jup.
(as Orpheus approaches the gate)
He will not look back! Then thunder-bolt
Fly! Crush the dolt!

(brandishes his thunder-bolt, and at the same moment flings out his right foot energetically, a stream of electric light issues from it, and strikes Orpheus just as he is passing the gate —he turns suddenly—Eurydice disappears)
All.
Ah!

Pub. O.
Wretched man! A look behind, you've cast one!

Orph.
'Twas such a kick! I thought it was my last one.

Plu.
(to Orpheus)
You've lost her now, for good and all,
She's mine beyond recall!

Jup.
No—no—not yours.

Plu.
How so?

Jup.
No! for I made her a Bacchante!

All.
A Bacchante!

Plu.
But there's no sense in—

Jup.
I'm of that quite sensible.
I told you it was quite incomprehensible.

Plu.
I say in Hades she must stay with me.

Jup.
No, she to Bacchus shall high priestess be.

Pub. O.
Peace, and attention all. 'Tis now the hour
For me to exercise my boundless power.
Eurydice to earth I shall restore,
The wife of Orpheus to be once more,
To live in love and perfect harmony;
His music shall again enchanting be—
Throughout the world assert its old dominion,
Stamped by the verdict of Public Opinion!

Jup.
What, shall he neither lose his wife nor wits?

Plu.
Nor be by Thracian women torn to bits?

Jup.
Mythology that's not according to.

Pub. O.
It is my theology, and quite as true.
When history is being all re-made,
Can Fable hope the movement to evade?
Ye silly, sensual, sham deities!
Ye'd ne'er been gods if mortals had been wise;
They're growing wiser daily, and soon I
Shall have to sweep ye all out of the sky.

Cupid.
All! you forget this little fellow here.

Pub. O.
I beg your pardon, so I did, my dear.
Cupid will never be without a shrine;
But would you honours really own divine,
Use your power but for good, and not for evil—
Be a great god, and not a little devil!
When off his fickle pinions he shall shake,
Win hearts to make them happy—not to break,
Yield less to passion—never stoop to greed,
Then Love will be a deity indeed!

Ven.
Strip Cupid of his pinions! Well, I'm sure
He'd make of my poor boy a perfect cure!

Orph.
And what about the piece, sir, if you please?

Pub. O,
Ah, there I pause! In matters such as these
Public Opinion is, I must confess,
Very much guided by the public press—
So as the Judge says when his wig he's shook at 'em,
I'll take the papers home with me and look at 'em.

Jup.
And what is to become of the last scene?

Pub. O.
Shew it exactly as it would have been
If you had had your way instead of me;
And I'll request the fair Eurydice,
As Offenbach has done, without more parley,
To sing, as a Bacchante, the finale!

Scene changes to the Temple of Bacchus—Bacchus enters in a car drawn by Panthers, and attended by Nymphs, —Fairies, Satyrs. &c.—Eurydice as a Bacchante.
Air—Eurydice.
I see the god of wine!
Ever fair and ever young!
Beneath a golden vine
With purple grapes hung!
The Fawns with cloven feet,
The Nymphs with their flowing hair,
His praises repeat—
Evoë! Evoë!
Glory to Bacchus! king of the vine!
Glory to Bacchus! god of wine!
Filled is my soul with his frenzy divine!
Glory to Bacchus! god of wine!
“O leave!” he gaily cries,
“Sorrow, suffering, and despair,
To those whom Fate denies
My bounty to share,
And quaff this juice divine,
And own that for every care
The true Lethe is wine!”
Evoë! Evoë!
Glory to Bacchus! king of the vine!
Glory to Bacchus! god of wine!
Filled is my soul with his frenzy divine!
Glory to Bacchus! god of wine!
(advancing to the front and to Audience)
In France, I, as a Bacchante,
Took to drinking—sad result of sorrow, as you often see;
But here as a merry Offenbach-ante,
I hope you will often back repair to sing with me!
La! la! la! la! &c. Chorus.

La! la! la! la! &c.

(picture)