 | The Good Woman in the Wood |  |
Scene Third.
—Interior of the House of Roses.Enter Finfin.
Fin.
“You may not all one mother's children be”—
So mother said this morning to us three;
And in my ears the words for ever jingle,
And make the very tips of them to tingle.
Oh! if I only at the truth could get,
Which sister is not mine—
(a Starling which has flown in answers “Lirette,” “Lirette,”)
229
Lirette! who spoke? what voice was that I heard?
(turns and sees Starling)
My stars! my starling! oh, my truant bird!
If that be true—and you've returned to aid me,
It is the best return you could have made me!
Lirette, you positively then assert, is
Not my sister. It is—
Star.
“Myrtis! Myrtis!”
Fin.
O joy! from whence such tidings could you bring?
What's here—a note tucked underneath your wing?
(taking and opening it)
Words set to music! Lucky for the setters
I learned my notes as early as my letters!
But sure the lines which are to music set,
Are from the crowquill of—
Star.
“Lirette!” “Lirette!”
Air-Finfin-“Prima Donna Waltz.”
“If it be really true (reading from paper)
You love me as I love you,
Never was seen
The knife so keen
Can cut such a love in two!
So I'll be yours if you'll be mine,
And send by flying post a line,
To say I've no objection—objection,
To be for life your Valentine.
If by return you don't decline
Returning my affection!—
For oh!
If it be really true, &c.”
Fin.
O, soothing syrup to my aching breast,
Thus folded to my heart be ever pressed!
Enter Dame.
Dame.
What is the paper you are so hot-pressing?
Foolscap, I fear—a much too fit head dressing
For such a silly boy! So—mighty fine,
Upon my word! Why, it's a Valentine!
And in Lirette's hand-writing—this ensues
From teaching her to mind her P's and Q's!
230
Duo—Dame and Finfin—“Mother, he's going away.”
Dame.
What is it you're doing, you bad boy?
I really must send you to school;
With grief I perceive, like a mad boy,
In love you'll be playing the fool!
Here's Myrtis, too, spinning a yarn, I
In vain would its folly display—
I suppose you all think you can carney
Me over with kisses and blarney?
Fin.
But, mother—
Dame.
Oh, bother!
Fin.
But, mother, of youth it's the way.
And under the rose—as we are, I suppose—
Dear mother, you did so one day.
Dame.
If I did so, I now know much better.
Lirette I'm astonished at quite!
How dare she go write you a letter,
Which you know, sir, to read wasn't right.
'Twas only last week she protested,
When I asked her her pen to essay,
That to write was a thing she detested,
That her hand on a pen never rested.
Fin.
But, mother—
Dame.
Oh, bother!
Fin.
But, mother, it's Valentine's Day!
And betwixt—at the most—
You and me, and the post!
You've sent one yourself, I daresay!
Dame.
Dame.
What is it you're doing, you bad boy?
I really must send you to school;
With grief I perceive, like a mad boy,
In love you'll be playing the fool!
Here's Myrtis, too, spinning a yarn, I
In vain would its folly display—
I suppose you all think you can carney
Me over with kisses and blarney?
Fin.
But, mother—
Dame.
Oh, bother!
Fin.
But, mother, of youth it's the way.
And under the rose—as we are, I suppose—
Dear mother, you did so one day.
Dame.
If I did so, I now know much better.
Lirette I'm astonished at quite!
How dare she go write you a letter,
Which you know, sir, to read wasn't right.
'Twas only last week she protested,
When I asked her her pen to essay,
That to write was a thing she detested,
That her hand on a pen never rested.
Fin.
But, mother—
Dame.
Oh, bother!
Fin.
But, mother, it's Valentine's Day!
And betwixt—at the most—
You and me, and the post!
You've sent one yourself, I daresay!
St. Valentine I'll have no more discourse on.
(flourish)
Talking of Valentine—why here comes Orson,
I do believe—
King.
(outside)
Halt!
Dame.
To his growl I'd swear.
It is the old original Black Bear!
Flourish—Enter King, attended.
King.
Are you the woman of the house?
Dame.
I am.
231
The Good Woman?
Dame.
They say so.
King.
That's a flam.
Dame.
A flam! At least, sir, 'tis not of my telling.
King.
Is that your only title to this dwelling?
Have you no deeds to shew?
Dame.
'Twould boasting be
To speak of my deeds—they must speak for me.
King.
Woman! I ask have you a lease?
Dame.
Great sir,
I am a forty shilling freeholder.
King.
I will bet forty shillings that's a fib.
This house of yours is, I suspect, a crib.
What have the Woods and Forests been about
To let our Crown lands thus for nothing out?
Who was the architect?
Dame.
A perfect stranger.
It was run up like magic.
King.
There's the danger.
This way the houses they run up in town,
The next fine day to come with a run down.
Yet, notwithstanding rents in every wall,
The rent's the only thing that doesn't fall!
And was it, pray, out of our royal woods
You picked your sticks? Who gave you all your goods?
This furniture so florid in design—
The Exhibition furnished naught so fine?
Dame.
The same good friend.
King.
Name him.
Dame.
I ne'er heard mention
Of names. It was a delicate attention
To a poor widow and her orphan chicks,
Left, without fixtures in an awful fix.
King.
Oh! you have chickens, have you?—very good.
And, pray, is this young cock one of your brood?
Fin.
I am, old bear.
King.
Old bear!
Dame.
That's not polite.
Fin.
I don't care! Does he think this cock won't fight?
King.
Here's a game chicken we in time must check!
Seize him, and wring the strutting bantam's neck.
232
Oh, mighty monarch! Hear me for him plead!
The child's a perfect innocent.
King.
Indeed!
You have some more young innocents, no doubt?
Dame.
Two daughters, sire—so young they're not yet out.
King.
Not out! 'Tis false, and your confusion shews it.
They are out and their cunning mother knows it.
Have they not been to the Crown Prince presented?
Dame.
An accident that could not be prevented.
'Twas he, alas, who came to court—not they.
King.
To court a lass no doubt you mean to say.
Go, drag before us this fine brace of minxes!
We'll find the riddle out though 'twere the sphinx's.
(music—Guards exeunt, and return with Lirette and Myrtis)
Now! which is the young witch which witched our son so?
Lir.
Oh! as if either of us could have done so!
King.
Talk'st thou to me of “if's”—my wig and gaiters!
Here's a preparatory school for traitors.
Upon this plot of ground there's too much reason
To think these groundlings have been plotting treason;
On which ground we shall shortly find a spot
Where by our order rubbish may be shot.
Fin.
But—
King.
But me no buts!
Dame.
It is useless suing!
The time is past to talk of buts to Bruin!
Quintette—Dame, Finfin, Lirette, Myrtis, and King—“Lucia di Lammermoor.”
Dame.
This the cruelest of blows is!
Smash must go the House of Roses;
He'll dispose of all its posies,
As of so much bankrupt stock.
Lir.
Murder may be meditating,
We've no chance but emigrating!
Fin.
By our timbers amputating,
We alone can cut the block!
Myr.
On our lockets calculating,
We may yet his fury mock!
233
Up the traitors lock,
While I here take stock!
(Exeunt Dame, Finfin, Lirette, and Myrtis, guarded)
King.
To let, and with immediate occupation,
In a most eligible situation,
A villa residence—within a mile
Of town—and furnished in the newest style!
I couldn't fancy a more pleasant seat,
When from the toils of state I would retreat;
'Tis very rarely that a king reposes,
As here I may do on a bed of roses.
(music—seats himself on the bed—the roses change to thorns)
Oh! Oh! that wicked widow! Plague upon her!
Is this the way to stuff a seat—of honour!
Where is the bell? I'll for the beldame ring!
(music)
And—
(the bell rope changes to one of nettles)
Ugh! confound it! nettles! How they sting!
A pretty hand I've made on't with these swell ropes,
I'll hang the bell hanger in his own bell ropes!
(sinks in arm-chair—it changes to one of thistles)
Thistles! and (it breaks and he falls on the floor)
down!
(rising and coming forward)
Will any body dare
To call that to my face an easy chair!
Star.
Ha! ha! ha! ha!
King.
Laughed at! where is that grinner?
He shall grin through a halter before dinner!
Star.
Ha! ha! ha! ha! a good joke! a good joke!
King.
It's that audacious bird! It laughed and spoke!
As plain as Yorick's did! Ah, now I see!
The widow is a witch, and this must be
What is called her familiar—I should say
Her too familiar—laughing in this way
At my expense! For such familiarity
I'll put a stop, my friend, to your hilarity.
Here's what shall teach you to be less a talker,
I'll soon walk into you, young fellow!
(draws pistol)
Star.
Walker!
King fires—The Starling flies away unhurt, but a quantity of branches and brambles fall from the roof of the cottage and enclose the King in a cage.
234
Missed him, by Jupiter! Holloa! Od rot it,
I've brought down everything, and never shot it!
Music—Four Imps, armed with long thorns, appear, and poke at him through the branches, from which he in vain endeavours to extricate himself.
Oh! you young imps! how dare you poke your fun
At me! Help! Murder! Treason! Don't—adone!
Imps disappear as the Guards enter hastily, followed by Dame, Finfin, Lirette, and Myrtis—Guards release the King.
Dame.
What is the matter, mighty ursus major?
King.
Oh, you vile sorceress! I'll bet a wager
These are your tricks! but you shall play no more of 'em!
A stake and faggots, rascals! seize all four of 'em!
The witch shall burn alive—with all her brats!
Dame.
We're lost, though we'd as many lives as cats!
Fin.
Mayn't we wish now?
Dame.
There cannot be a doubt of it.
In such a scrape—
Fin.
I wish, then, we were out of it!
Music—Clouds envelope the King and his Attendants, who disappear amidst them.
Lir.
We are! we are! Our foes are out of sight.
Myr.
Have they retreated—or we taken flight?
Dame.
We're rising, I declare, o'er wood and hill!
Our prospects, though, are rather cloudy still.
Fin.
What joy to find we're all alive and hearty.
Myr.
I wish Prince Sylvan though was of the party.
Prince Sylvan appears through clouds.
Prince.
Sweet Myrtis!
Myr.
Oh! he heard me through the cloud.
Dame.
Young ladies shouldn't wish so very loud.
Lir.
Where are we going?
Fin.
I can't understand.
Lir.
I wish it were into some fairy-land,
Where we might find protection.
235
I should stare
Just now to find protection anywhere.
Change of music—Clouds disperse and discover
| The Good Woman in the Wood | |