University of Virginia Library

Scene Second.

—The Court Card Room of the King of Spades.
The King and Queen of Spades are seated on their thrones—His Honour the Ace on the right of the King, and his Grace the Deuce on the left of the Queen—The rest of the suit are arranged on each side of the throne, and captive Hearts, of both sexes, kneeling before it, under the guard of the Knave of Spades—Grand flourish—At a sign from the King the Deuce advances to the orchestra.
Deuce.
(pointing with his wand to the leader)
It's your lead—play!


Glee and Chorus—“The mighty Conqueror of Hearts.”
The mighty Conqueror of Hearts in triumph here behold!
With all his trumps, we sound his fame, our champion stout and bold!
While honours count for victory, ye Spades, in chorus sing,
“A lucky job it was for us we turned up such a King!”

K. of S.
Thanks, my brave Pips! my noble black cards, thanks!
We like this adulation! Praise is nought
Unless 'tis laid on with a trowel! We
Are king “de jure” and “de facto.” Therefore,
Play the whole game or nothing!

Q. of S.
Yet, my liege—

(rising)
K. of S.
Silence!

Q. of S.
I'm dumb.

(sits down)
K. of S.
Not you, sweet partner; to the court I spoke.
Proceed, and without further interruption.

Q. of S.
Well, then, my liege, I was about to say
(rising again)
I thought—

K. of S.
We differ from you totally,
And so sit down. My lords! court cards and common,
You have just now, and justly, sung our praises.
We scorn to laud ourselves; but we are sworn
To speak the truth. We are the greatest monarch
Upon the cards. Be quiet; for we know it.
In evil hour for him, the King of Hearts
Affronted us. On the green cloth of battle
Soon hand to hand we met. But our hand proved
Too strong for his—a pretty hand he made on't—
For with our own great spade to bed we put him,
And left him playing dummy.

Deuce.
Glorious game!
These red men thought to make us blackies slaves.
You taught them, Sire, a trick worth two of that—

K. of S.
Silence! we would we could induce the Deuce
To hold his tongue—deuce take him! As we said,
The King of Hearts is playing dummy. But
Not so his captive Queen—she talks of liberty,
And talks incessantly, as queens, and women,
Captive or not, are but too prone to do.
Has she a motive for so talking? Silence—
We thank your forwardness, but we can answer,
Good people, for ourself. Has she a motive?
We have a shrewd suspicion—we say nothing—
The King of Diamonds is a widower;
The Queen of Hearts good-looking—we had almost said
Confoundedly good-looking—we say nothing.

Deuce.
(aside)
Methinks his Majesty talks much for one
Who constantly says nothing.

K. of S.
Silence! I say 'tis just upon the cards
That this same King may offer her his hand—
Should he prefer his suit—
(flourish without)
Did we say trumpet?

(Knave of Spades retires and returns with a card)
Kn. of S.
My liege, a card.

K. of S.
The Ten of Diamonds!

Kn. of S.
The Cardinal, lord great Cassino to
And envoy from his Majesty his king.

K. of S.
Aha! my Pips! I ask you, is your Sovereign
A good hand at a guess or not? No answer!
Turn up the Ten of Diamonds.

Enter Ten of Diamonds.
K. of S.
Welcome, Lord Cardinal! What says our cousin,
His precious Majesty of Diamonds?

Ten.
Diamonds sends health to Spades, and greets him thus:
The Queen of Hearts—poor heart—a captive maid,
Or rather made a captive by thine arms,
Here languishes in prison.

K. of S.
Wonderful!
Hast thou no news, my lord? All this we know,
We took that trick ourself!

Deuce.
'Twas an odd trick.

K. of S.
Aha!

Deuce.
Because it won the game.

K. of S.
Oho! Proceed.

Ten.
Her Majesty of Hearts—

K. of S.
Silence!

Ten.
Alack! how can I tell my tale,
Great Spade, and yet be silent too?

K. of S.
That's true—
But cut thy tale short, and let's have the heads.
Proceed from “languishes in prison,”—we
Have heard the rest before.

Ten.
In prison, and
The King, my king, desires her instant freedom.

K. of S.
Desires!

Ten.
Entreats!

K. of S.
That's better. We'll consult
His Honour here, the Ace. Lord Chancellor,
You hear the King of Diamonds doth propose
To take the Queen of Hearts, and in exchange
To give us—nothing. The advantage thus,
Being all upon one side, 'twere crooked policy
Methinks, to grant this boon. But how say you?

Ace.
I doubt—I'll take the papers home and look at them
Ere I give judgment in this card case.

K. of S.
Pshaw!
Doubt me no doubts! Chief Justice Hoyle hath ruled,
When in doubt win the trick. We do refuse—

Ten.
My answer is then?

K. of S.
Flat denial; unless
He offer every diamond in the pack
By way of ransom! Go, inform our cousin
We'll see him—he knows what first. For yourself,
Your stick is in your hand, sir—cut it.

Ten.
Ah! this to me! Remember, haughty Spade,
Pope Joan is our near kinswoman! There's but
One pip between us and her Holiness!
Beware of excommunication! There's
A bull—

K. of S.
A bull! we'll take it by the horns.
The Pope! Poh, poh!
Thou canst not, Cardinal, in all the cards
Find one so slight and so ridiculous
To charge me with an answer as the Pope.
Go tell her so. She'll find that in her game
The King of Spades' a stop. Despising too
You and our master—thus we turn our back—
You'll find your answer plain!
(King and Court turn their backs upon the Cardinal)
Break up the court—
(Exit Cardinal)
We're for the chase. Go order Hunt and Son
To let our pack out. Whosoe'er the game,
Be sure you follow suit!

Air and Chorus—“Der Freischutz”—“Hark! follow; hark!”
King.
Away, hie away to the table's green cover;
Ourself will be pony and make up the pack;
The hounds shall play points, and when land games are over,
There's fish in the pool, and we'll turn up a Jack.
Let Jew money-lenders play “Beggar my neighbour;”
Let merchants play “Commerce,” and soldiers “Picquet;”
At vain “Speculation” philosophers labour;
We're for “Whist”—and our crown on the rubber we'll bet.

Chorus
—Then, Cards, follow suit, follow suit, follow suit, &c.

(Exeunt Omnes)