University of Virginia Library

ACT I.

SCENE I.

Sir Roger, Sir Humphry, Justice Statute, Constable, Filbert, Sergeant, Kitty, Dorcas, Grandmother, Aunt.
Sir Roger.
Here, Thomas Filbert, answer to your Name,
Dorcas hath sworn to you she owes her Shame:
Or wed her strait, or else you're sent afar,
To serve his Gracious Majesty in War.

Filbert.
'Tis false, 'tis false—I scorn thy odious Touch.

[Pushing Dorcas from him.
Dorcas.
When their turn's serv'd, all Men will do as much.

Kitty.
Oh, good your Worships, ease a wretched Maid.
To the right Father let the Child be laid.
Art thou not perjur'd?—Mark his harmless Look.
How canst thou, Dorcas, kiss the Bible Book?
Hast thou no Conscience, dost not fear Old Nick?
Sure sure the Ground will ope, and take thee Quick.

Sergeant.
Zooks! never wed, 'tis safer much to roam;
For what is War abroad to War at home?
Who wou'd not sooner bravely risque his Life;
For what's a Cannon to a scolding Wife?

Filbert.
Well, if I must, I must,—I hate the Wench,
I'll bear a Musquet then against the French.
From Door to Door I'd sooner whine and beg,
Both Arms shot off, and on a wooden Leg,
Than marry such a Trapes—No, no, I'll not:
—Thou wilt too late repent, when I am shot.
But, Kitty, why dost cry?—

Grandmother.
—Stay, Justice, stay:
Ah, little did I think to see this Day!
Must Grandson Filbert to the Wars be prest?
Alack! I knew him when he suck'd the Breast,
Taught him his Catechism, the Fescue held,
And join'd his Letters, when the Bantling Spell'd.
His loving Mother left him to my Care.
Fine Child, as like his Dad as he could stare!
Come Candlemas, nine Years ago she dy'd,
And now lies buried by the Yew-tree's side.

Aunt.
O Tyrant Justices! have you forgot
How my poor Brother was in Flanders shot?
You press'd my Brother—he shall walk in White,
He shall—and shake your Curtains ev'ry Night.
What though a paultry Hare he rashly kill'd,
That cross'd the Furrows while he plough'd the Field?
You sent him o'er the Hills and far away;
Left his old Mother to the Parish Pay,
With whom he shar'd his Ten Pence ev'ry Day.
Wat kill'd a Bird, was from his Farm turn'd out;
You took the Law of Thomas for a Trout:
You ruin'd my poor Uncle at the Sizes,
And made him pay nine Pounds for Nisiprises.
Now will you press my harmless Nephew too?
Ah, what has Conscience with the Rich to do!
[Sir Roger takes up the Tankard.
—Though in my Hand no Silver Tankard shine,
Nor my dry Lip is dy'd with Claret Wine,
Yet I can sleep in Peace—

Sir Roger.
[After having drunk.
—Woman forbear.

Sir Humphry.
[Drinking.
The Man's within the Act—

Justice Statute.
[Drinking also.
—The Law is clear.

Sergeant.
Haste, let their Worships Orders be obey'd.

Kitty.
[Kneeling.
Behold how low you have reduc'd a Maid.
Thus to your Worships on my Knees I sue,
(A Posture never known but in the Pew)
If we can Money for our Taxes find,
Take that—but ah! our Sweethearts leave behind.
To Trade so barb'rous he was never bred,
The Blood of Vermine all the Blood he shed:
How should he, harmless Youth, how should he then
Who kill'd but Poulcats, learn to murder Men?

Dorcas.
O Thomas, Thomas! hazard not thy Life;
By all that's good, I'll make a loving Wife:
I'll prove a true Pains-taker Day and Night,
I'll spin and card, and keep our Children tight.
I can knit Stockings, you can thatch a Barn;
If you earn Ten-pence, I my Groat can earn.
How shall I weep to hear this Infant cry?
[Her Hand on her Belly.
He'll have no Father—and no Husband I.

Kitty.
Hold, Thomas, hold, nor hear that shameless Witch:
I can sow Plain-work, I can darn and stitch;
I can bear sultry Days and frosty Weather:
Yes, yes, my Thomas, we will go together;
Beyond the Seas together will we go,
In Camps together, as at Harvest, glow.
This Arm shall be a Bolster for thy Head,
I'll fetch clean Straw to make my Soldier's Bed;
There, while thou sleep'st, my Apron o'er thee hold,
Or with it patch thy Tent against the Cold.
Pigs in hard Rains I've watch'd, and shall I do
That for the Pigs, I would not bear for you?

Filbert.
Oh, Kitty, Kitty, canst thou quit the Rake,
And leave these Meadows for thy Sweetheart's sake?
Canst thou so many gallant Soldiers see,
And Captains and Lieutenants slight for me?
Say, canst thou hear the Guns, and never shake,
Nor start at Oaths that make a Christian quake?
Canst thou bear Hunger, canst thou march and toil
A long long Way, a thousand thousand Mile?
And when thy Tom's blown up, or shot away,
Then-canst thou starve?-they'l cheat thee of my Pay.

Sir Roger.
[Drinking.
Take out that Wench—

Sir Humphry.
[Drinking.
—But give her Pennance meet.

Justice Statute.
[Drinking also.
I'll see her stand—next Sunday—in a Sheet.

Dorcas.
Ah! why does Nature give us so much Cause
To make kind-hearted Lasses break the Laws?
Why should hard Laws kind-hearted Lasses bind,
When too soft Nature draws us after Kind?

SCENE II.

Sir Roger, Sir Humphry, Justice Statute, Filbert, Sergeant, Kitty, Grandmother, Aunt, Soldier.
Soldier.
Sergeant, the Captain to your Quarters sent;
To ev'ry Alehouse in the Town I went.
Our Corp'ral now has the Deserter found;
The Men are all drawn out, the Pris'ner bound.

Sergeant.
[To Filbert.
Come, Soldier, come—

Kitty.
—Ah! take me, take me too.

Grandmother.
Stay, forward Wench;—

Aunt.
—What would the Creature do?
This Week thy Mother means to wash and brew.

Kitty.
Brew then she may her self, or wash, or bake;
I'd leave ten Mothers for one Sweetheart's sake.
O Justice most unjust!—

Filbert.
—O Tyranny!

Kitty.
How can I part?—

Filbert.
—Alas! and how can I?

Kitty.
O rueful Day!—

Filbert.
—Rueful indeed, I trow.

Kitty.
O Woeful Day!—

Filbert.
—A Day indeed of Woe!

Kitty.
When Gentlefolks their Sweethearts leave behind,
They can write Letters, and say something kind;
But how shall Filbert unto me endite,
When neither I can read, nor he can write?
Yet, Justices, permit us e'er we part
To break this Ninepence, as you've broke our Heart.

Filbert.
[Breaking the Ninepence.
As this divides, thus are we torn in twain.

Kitty.
[Joining the Pieces.
And as this meets, thus may we meet again.
[She is drawn away on one Side of the Stage by Aunt and Grandmother.
Yet one Look more—

Filbert.
[Haul'd off on the other Side by the Sergeant.
—One more e'er yet we go.

Kitty.
To part is Death.—

Filbert.
—'Tis Death to part.

Kitty.
—Ah!

Filbert.
—Oh!

SCENE III.

Sir Roger, Sir Humphry, Justice Statute, and Constable.
Sir Roger.
[Drinking.
See, Constable, that ev'ry one withdraw.

Sir Humphry.
[Drinking.
We've Business—

Justice Statute.
[Drinking also.
—To discuss a Point of Law.

SCENE IV.

Sir Roger, Sir Humphry, Justice Statute.
[They seem in earnest Discourse.]
Sir Roger.
I say the Press-Act plainly makes it out.

Sir Humphry.
Doubtless, Sir Roger.—

Justice Statute.
—Brother, without doubt.

A Ghost rises.
1st Ghost.
I'm Jeffry Cackle.—You my Death shall rue;
For I was press'd by you, by you, by you.

[Pointing to the Justices.
Another Ghost rises.
2d Ghost.
I'm Smut the Farrier.—You my Death shall rue;
For I was prest by you, by you, by you.

A Woman's Ghost rises.
3d Ghost.
I'm Bess that hang'd my self for Smut so true;
So owe my Death to you, to you, to you.

A Ghost of an Embryo rises.
4th Ghost.
I was begot before my Mother married,
Who whipt by you, of me poor Child miscarried.

Another Woman's Ghost rises.
5th Ghost.
Its Mother I, whom you whipt black and blue;
Both owe our Deaths to you, to you, to you.

[All Ghosts shake their Heads.]
Sir Roger.
Why do you shake your Mealy Heads at me?
You cannot say I did it—

Both Justices.
—No—nor we.

1st Ghost.
All Three.—

2d Ghost.
—All Three.—

3d Ghost.
—All Three.—

4th Ghost.
—All Three.—

5th Ghost.
—All Three.

A SONG sung dismally by a Ghost.
CHORUS.

[The Ghosts dance round the Justices, who go off in a Fright, and the Ghosts vanish.