Guy's Porridge Pot A Poem, In Twenty-Four Books. The First Part [by R. E. Landor] |
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| I. |
| II. |
| III. |
| IV. |
| V. | BOOK V. |
| VI. |
 | Guy's Porridge Pot |  |
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BOOK V.
ARGUMENT.
A very pretty invocation. A short and an uncommon character—A shorter, and a still more uncommon one—Ambitious Jack—his imitations and originality—Good advice from the author—The Della Cruscan Poet's absence accounted for— Another Episode began, and the fifth book concluded.
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“Now good digestion wait on appetite,
And health on both!”
Macbeth.
And health on both!”
Macbeth.
Come! for ye know me, I am he
That scorns the tea-pot and the tea!
That wisely wishes, when he sings,
To tune his pipe with better things,
And that extol'd, in strains divine,
The wonderous powers of beer and wine!
That scorns the tea-pot and the tea!
That wisely wishes, when he sings,
To tune his pipe with better things,
And that extol'd, in strains divine,
The wonderous powers of beer and wine!
Come! be ye maids or not, for why
Should poets talk of chastity?
Come! be ye fair, or black ye be,
For what the plague is that to me?
Like Venus come, or Mother Bunch,
Daughters of beer, and wine, and punch!
Let statesmen growl, and heroes bristle,
And let the wise man wet his whistle!
Should poets talk of chastity?
Come! be ye fair, or black ye be,
For what the plague is that to me?
Like Venus come, or Mother Bunch,
Daughters of beer, and wine, and punch!
Let statesmen growl, and heroes bristle,
And let the wise man wet his whistle!
Church clock had struck, and, hot as fire,
The next that came was faithful —
None hail'd in joy with greater glee,
None felt in sorrow more than he:
The feast he shared, and he would share
A fast, if grief had kept one there.
The next that came was faithful —
None hail'd in joy with greater glee,
None felt in sorrow more than he:
The feast he shared, and he would share
A fast, if grief had kept one there.
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And, next to him, with rosy gills,
Approached facetious, polished —
A witty man, a wise one too,
Who, knowing much, hid half he knew.
Terrestrial Jack—thou man of earth!
Though last, not least in weight and girth,
From distant climes, the land of eating,
Whipping, spurring, puffing, sweating;
On foaming horse, with frantic haste
Hail! king of suet! prince of paste!
Approached facetious, polished —
A witty man, a wise one too,
Who, knowing much, hid half he knew.
Terrestrial Jack—thou man of earth!
Though last, not least in weight and girth,
From distant climes, the land of eating,
Whipping, spurring, puffing, sweating;
On foaming horse, with frantic haste
Hail! king of suet! prince of paste!
Zeal eats thee up, and he will eat
A strange variety of meat!
Men feed on flesh, and beasts on grass,
But zeal must have a taste for brass!
A strange variety of meat!
Men feed on flesh, and beasts on grass,
But zeal must have a taste for brass!
Ambitious Jack! if thou can'st speak
Ten words, or more, of useless Greek;
If thou can'st jabber right or wrong,
In place or out, words ten feet long,
If thou can'st lisp and sputter faster
Than any man besides thy master:
Then run the race which he has ran,
And scorn to live like mortal man!
Then wear no waistcoat if it reaches
Within a foot above thy breeches—
Let breeches fall, and waistcoat rise!
Were braces made to bind the wise?
How many travellers have shown
That Zephyrs cool the torrid zone—
So follow nature—where's the hurt
In two or three square feet of shirt?
Ten words, or more, of useless Greek;
If thou can'st jabber right or wrong,
In place or out, words ten feet long,
If thou can'st lisp and sputter faster
Than any man besides thy master:
Then run the race which he has ran,
And scorn to live like mortal man!
Then wear no waistcoat if it reaches
Within a foot above thy breeches—
Let breeches fall, and waistcoat rise!
Were braces made to bind the wise?
How many travellers have shown
That Zephyrs cool the torrid zone—
So follow nature—where's the hurt
In two or three square feet of shirt?
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The Doctor stands before thy sight,
And what he does or thinks is right.
But ways there are in which we own
Cool easy Jack proceeds alone:
Why lisp thy scorn when ladies talk?
Why pick thy teeth with neighbour's fork?
Why clap thine elbow in his plate?
Why scrape thy nails, and scratch thy pate?
But still whate'er thy sense or breeding,
Thy width of shirt, or depth of reading,
Thy lisping Latin, loosened braces,
Untoward tricks, and strange grimaces,
Thou wilt do well, in one thing more,
To follow him who walks before—
For men, like sheep, must go astray,
Who follow any other way.
Mock thou his heart, since all declare
Nothing is very faulty there.
So Jack came last, and no one waited
The rap of Della Cruscan — —
For, like Achilles, swoln with ire,
He shun'd, as hell, the Doctor's fire,
Nor deigned to choak or drown his wrath
With beef and mutton, soup and broth!
Thus, gentle reader, thus began
The rage which burst this mighty man.
And what he does or thinks is right.
But ways there are in which we own
Cool easy Jack proceeds alone:
Why lisp thy scorn when ladies talk?
Why pick thy teeth with neighbour's fork?
Why clap thine elbow in his plate?
Why scrape thy nails, and scratch thy pate?
But still whate'er thy sense or breeding,
Thy width of shirt, or depth of reading,
Thy lisping Latin, loosened braces,
Untoward tricks, and strange grimaces,
Thou wilt do well, in one thing more,
To follow him who walks before—
For men, like sheep, must go astray,
Who follow any other way.
Mock thou his heart, since all declare
Nothing is very faulty there.
So Jack came last, and no one waited
The rap of Della Cruscan — —
For, like Achilles, swoln with ire,
He shun'd, as hell, the Doctor's fire,
Nor deigned to choak or drown his wrath
With beef and mutton, soup and broth!
Thus, gentle reader, thus began
The rage which burst this mighty man.
Not quite so sad the tale which I do
Tell, as Æneas told to Dido;
Nor half as long a time I bore ye,
So stretch your jaws to catch my story.
Tell, as Æneas told to Dido;
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So stretch your jaws to catch my story.
For idle chat or learned bother
One Doctor went to see another.
(2nd Doctor)One Doctor went to see another.
“Pray stay and dine.”
(1st Doctor)
“I dine at home.”
(2nd Doctor)
“The dishes cool! poo! nonsense! come.”
(1st Doctor)
“Lead on then! march!”
—And so the sinner
Said grace, sat down, and eat his dinner:
As chance had snapt the horse's crupper,
He staid to tea, he staid to supper,
While drunken saddler fail'd to come
How could the Doctor journey home?
The brawn was fine, well boil'd the tripe,
Tobacco fresh, and clean the pipe,
So many causes all combined
To check his haste, and change his mind.
But they who are right hospitable
Give not alone a place at table,
The host and hostess therefore said
“Doctor you better take a bed:”
He thanks them both, and dare aver
That none can answer no to her.
He stays—the bed is soon prepared
The night-cap warmed—the sheets are air'd,
And you may tell, as if you'd seen,
How soon the Doctor slipt between.
Said grace, sat down, and eat his dinner:
As chance had snapt the horse's crupper,
He staid to tea, he staid to supper,
While drunken saddler fail'd to come
How could the Doctor journey home?
The brawn was fine, well boil'd the tripe,
Tobacco fresh, and clean the pipe,
So many causes all combined
To check his haste, and change his mind.
But they who are right hospitable
Give not alone a place at table,
The host and hostess therefore said
“Doctor you better take a bed:”
He thanks them both, and dare aver
That none can answer no to her.
He stays—the bed is soon prepared
The night-cap warmed—the sheets are air'd,
And you may tell, as if you'd seen,
How soon the Doctor slipt between.
| Guy's Porridge Pot | |