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The Talents Run Mad

or, Eighteen Hundred and Sixteen. A Satirical Poem. In Three Dialogues. With Notes. By the Author of "All The Talents" [i.e. E. A. Barrett]
  
  
  

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 I. 
 II. 
DIALOGUE THE SECOND.
 III. 


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DIALOGUE THE SECOND.

FRIEND.
I marvel much, since times like these awake
Mens' minds, why genius should our realm forsake.
Past years o'erflow'd with heroes, and with wits.
Where are our Nelsons, Cowpers, Foxs, Pitts?

AUTHOR.
Thus other ages too will mourn their lots:
‘Where are our Wellesleys, Currans, Stewarts, Scotts?’
Men own not talents until talents end.
Who deems a genius none? His dearest friend.
Because they liv'd and school'd and play'd like brother;
As if one's dullness could infect the other.

FRIEND.
Yet see, 'tis Ireland each high badge displays.
Thus Wellington the truncheon, Moore the bays,

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And Castlereagh the robe. —Or would you steal
From actual life to mimic?—see O‘Neill.


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AUTHOR.
The deeds of Wellington, unconquer'd lord!
Let written fire on adamant record.
A Scipio rescuing Rome from punic flame,
At the last gasp of conquer'd worlds he came.
Sedate in danger, cautious, and yet warm,
Prompt to decide and mighty to perform;
Swift as the lightning his resolve was given,
Destruction follow'd, like the bolt of Heaven.
When all seem'd lost, serene he dar'd contend,
And boldly made even danger's self his friend:
Saw where the dawning of the victory lay,
And snatch'd th' immortal crisis from the day.

FRIEND.
Sc*tt is no poet.

AUTHOR.
That I greatly doubt;
Tho' far we read to find the poet out.
Bid him contract. —The Sybil's books of yore,
As less their number grew, were valu'd more.


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FRIEND.
Well, B*r*n Sc*tt excels.

AUTHOR.
In shorter song;
And shorter still would still the praise prolong.
But how would praise transcend, if like a ball,
His verses came to have no length at all!


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FRIEND.
Ay, B*r*n stung you.

AUTHOR.
Happy I to raise
His censure, but protect me from his praise!
Where'er his beam of approbation burns,
Sour at the touch, each milky virtue turns.
Of this convinc'd, and having wreaked his worst,
He kindly libels all he lauded first.
Even kindred blood his praise once underwent;
But slander came, so uncle sat content.
In eight dull lines he bade a princess weep.
Strange! when he counsell'd tears, to give one sleep.
Leave English, B*r*n; ay, and England too.
The Persic-Turcic-Arabic for you.
Buy an Ionian Isle, there naturalize
Old words, and with seraglios colonize.

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There question if the bed be damp, or whether
The stream be cool —not common talk of weather.
Bard of the bùlbul, (oh, poetic sound!)
Sing how, when friends desert, tame bears are found.
Or sing Leander swimming four-mile heats,
Or how divinely well snake-porridge eats.
Seven waistcoats wear, run fifteen miles on foot,
For fatness to some brains is glue to soot.
Else go, unlearn your learning, or add more.
Not what Greece is, but what she was before.
If you draw heroes from your kindred mind,
Transplant them, leave no duplicate behind.
Last, keep your friendly promise to be dumb,
And some fine morning common sense may come.
More would you seek? Yes, something more you want;
You left your neckcloth in the Hellespont.

FRIEND.
Forbear.

AUTHOR.
I spare him.—Hark! a Pasha sings;
Love is his descant, yet his descant stings.
Quite smooth, it paints him to distraction driven;
Asks pardon so as ne'er to be forgiven;

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Gives an unmanly deed a warbling grace,
And daggers with affectionate grimace.
Why turns he infidel? Because 'tis odd.
'Midst all his libels he must libel God.
Yet still his pen leaves some things undisgrac'd,
For vice he holds essential to good taste;
And sure his curse no lady e'er receives,
Sent only to that hell he disbelieves.
Worse mischief lurks in his didactic air.
When the fox preaches, let the fowl beware.
Stern boy! whom nought but discontent can please;
Made barbarous by refinement, fierce by ease;
Why flies he where no lowering clouds deform?
How can the seagull scream without a storm?
Let wings angelic guard him as he flies,
Crop them he cannot, but will satirize.
Place him in Heaven, (poetic licence may,)
His soul will mutter at eternal day.

FRIEND.
Enough.—And now propound, what I foresee,
Will rack your faculties—tho' thirty-three;

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Why, 'mid this lamentable dearth of brain,
Still ‘all the talents’ unemployed remain?

AUTHOR.
In popular states, where each has equal chance,
Mean genius sinks and worthier parts advance.
Shake in a vessel shot of different size,
The larger mounts, the less at bottom lies.
Should men who France invincible believ'd,
Conduct a warfare they so misconceiv'd?
Should prophets, who to Spain foreboded ill,
Get pow'r, and thus their prophecies fulfil?

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For they, without reserve, would mischief do,
To make the mischief they predicted true.
Full twenty years, mere critics, they revile
By system, and each session plot their style.
Learn why the nation more confides in those
Who govern, than who twenty years oppose.
Good measures are mens' interest, when in place.
Outs hold it their's good measures to disgrace.
Tho' England suffer'd, outs would chuckle still,
For their own sakes, should ministers act ill.
A priest once cross'd the seas, inform'd before,
Not to fear dnger while the sailors swore.
A storm arose; they curs'd their souls to hell,
And the priest prais'd his god they curs'd so well!


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FRIEND.
Gr*y, grant, is a deserving man at least.

AUTHOR.
Man! recollect he calls himself a beast.
Once, rough-shod, he would tramp up Carlton stairs.
How well this packhorse disappointment bears!

FRIEND.
Man? Horse? say Sagittarius.

AUTHOR.
Ay, no doubt,
One of twelve signs that talent must stay out.

FRIEND.
Eleven then still remain.

AUTHOR.
Six only thrive.
Death, voters, and disgust subtracted five.
Poor Sherry

FRIEND.
Nay, let him, without controul,
Still circulate the peremptory bowl;

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And husband jests, in hopes, again M. P.
To make one night record seven years of glee.

AUTHOR.
May that night come! Cool C*stl---gh would hear
Polite, his manufactur'd mirth, and cheer;
While the old jolly man, with lighted eye,
And blossom'd face, and wit three bottles high,
Grotesqu'd the congress,—how they carv'd our ball—
How Turkey only was not carv'd at all.—
How Elba's Emperor, one morning fine,
Rode round his kingdom and return'd to dine—
How farmers want for bread by having flour—
How the war cost six thousand pounds an hour. —

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Else would he ransack peace for bitter fun,
And merrily shew England quite undone.
Yes, I contend, this son of Irish bog,
This honest, boozy, red, sublime, droll dog,
Is worth whole hurdles, carted thro' highways,
Of death-faced Br---ms and imprecating Gr*ys.

FRIEND.
Yet T---rn*y sure—

AUTHOR.
Still raises nightly riot,
In the vain hope of being tickled quiet.
Minds, by collision, smoother grow, like wood:
His coarser, as collision curls a flood.
Small taste he entertains for A B C;
And tho' he tries financial one, two, three,
His jabber'd fractions plausibly perplex,
And still, Inoculus inter cœcos Rex.

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Quite unoriginal himself, he scans
Obtuse, all others' œconomic plans.
Aspires to budgets, but accounts can cast,
So best would serve th' exchequer, station'd last.
Thus O proves useless as a leading figure;
The farther back 'tis plac'd, the sum grows bigger.
This pat comparison, from cyphers prest,
Perchance may charm his algebraic breast.
Prompt for the winning as the losing side,
To join like isthmus, or like streight divide;
Official twice, no noise would T---rn*y make.
The rushing river rested in a lake.
Now place him 'mongst our ministerial men,
My life on't, he grows well behav'd again.
What changes cannot change of place afford!
Legs in the field are wings upon the board.
What in the jug we merely milk esteem,
When pour'd into the ewer, is London cream.

FRIEND.
Great Gr*nv*lle

AUTHOR.
Let him still dilute his style,
And beat out half a guinea half a mile;

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None heed him. Erewhile, lectur'd on the state,
By Pitt in secret, he was counted great.
At length the tyro, scorning to be school'd,
Himself set up, but found his rod o'errul'd;
So soon forsook the more sagacious band,
For those his powers were suited to command.
Inferior by his change of party shewn,
As planets are from stars by motion known.
Now let him curse that warp ambition gave,
And play the fool for those who play the knave;
High with no hopes, important to no ends,
The friend of outcasts, outcast even of friends.

FRIEND.
Yet Er---ne, own, might Ell---b---gh school.

AUTHOR.
And Cl*ff---d Er---ne, by the self-same rule.
Paine's advocate, false prophet on the war,

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Projector of a nucleus in a cor;
Quaint quibbles shew'd our punning judge profound,
And his wig jingled with the single sound.

FRIEND.
Well, A+B—X+Y L*nds---ne merits praise.

AUTHOR.
Peace to his dancing and financing days.

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Pumps and a budget rais'd him to the skies:
There, pilloried in a cloud, he kicks and cries.

FRIEND.
Yet B*rd*tt holds his station, ne'er to fail—

AUTHOR.
At the mob's head and at the senate's tail.
From daily prints his knowledge is compil'd:
He tosses Magna Charta to his child.
Not quite so low as Blackstone yet descends,
But has great P*rry at his fingers' ends.

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Much pains and many thousands he bestows,
To go, where yet he boasts he never goes.
True sportsmen eat not of the game they hit;
He cringes for a seat, but scorns to sit.
And, like some bully, implicates his name,
With what he calls a house of evil fame.

FRIEND.
Yes, fill'd with purchasers of boroughs—

AUTHOR.
Hum.
Contested Westminster costs half a plum.

FRIEND.
Nay, to that hated house he sometimes goes—

AUTHOR.
As men eat rankness, while they curl their nose.
There slaps his heart, and would for England die.
Like Agamemnon, let him slap his thigh.

FRIEND.
Yet jails he visits, and the culprit cheers—

AUTHOR.
Like D'Herbois, patronizes mutineers.


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FRIEND.
Is kind, humane, and loves old England well,
He and his prompters—

AUTHOR.
Pleasant what you tell.
For, of all dangerous men cabal can boast,
A rich fool, led by villains, is the most.

FRIEND.
Let C*rt---ght, that poor dear old harmless man,
Go preaching on reform, where'er he can.
Who would hamstring his hobby?

AUTHOR.
Ask those hounds,
Who seiz'd him upon most suspicious grounds.


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FRIEND.
This field is finish'd. Pause. Our cattle smoke.
Another field we plough and then unyoke.

END OF DIALOGUE THE SECOND.
 

—The great orator of the Irish bar. I have heard both him and Lord Er---ne often, and can affirm, that in sublime, pathetic, and effective eloquence, Curran is superior beyond all comparison.

—My friend places Moore before Scott and Lord Byron, just as one would prefer Anacreon to Statius or Apollonius Rhodius. Because, though amatory poetry is of a less exalted species than epic, one would rather excel in the minor department, than be secondary in the superior.

—I hesitate to praise a prime minister; but this I may say, without being convicted of eulogy, that his Lordship has acquired the full confidence of the nation at large. This, in fact, is every thing.

—I have heard people of the finest taste and feeling declare, that they would never go to see this lady perform again. In fact, they felt so much affected, that they dreaded to suffer another such night of tears. Her powers in the pathetic, are, indeed, wonderful.

I wish a national theatre, with opera hours and prices, were established at the west end of the town, and then, perhaps, our fashionables would condescend to patronize a place of rational amusement. At present, the opera, or rather the ballet, engrosses all their favor; for though they are content with seeing the singers, they must hear the dancers. The moment the ballet begins, an instantaneous silence reigns through the house. Not a billet-doux can drop from a dowager unheard; so great is the respect paid to the majesty of toes. Occasional whispers, however, are ventured now and then. Vestris, for instance, is observed to be in much limb, as he has spun round once and a segment more than usual. Then the eloquence of an attitude, or the pathos of a pas de seul, is superb; and certain old cognoscenti admire the keeping of the groups of flower girls. Some of them, indeed, are kept long enough, as one may see by their wrinkles, while the fatness of others shews plainly, that they are, at least, kept well.

—I hope Mr. Sc*tt, (of whose powers I have a high opinion) will not consider me an enemy for giving him good advice. But, really, authors, now-a-days, write by the pound or by the foot. Mr. Sc*tt, I think, has dropped a good many of his wis's, and weens, and by my fays; neither has he yet adopted the new fashion of sanctifying his words. Saith for said, spake for spoke, brake for broke, unto for to, doth for does, are the capriccios of the day. I likewise see just cause and impediment against such marriages as, war-storm, death-storm, battle-fire. The best authorities for which are, pot-hooks, kitchen-stuff, cabbage-garden.

—I differ from my friend decidedly. Lord B*r*n is a metaphysician, not a poet. Sc*tt is to him, what Thompson is to Young. The one excels in describing things, the other in delineating thoughts. If the one swims too much on the surface, the other is overloaded and sinks too deep. Of Sc*tt, we seldom read a line twice, (though we may a passage) because he wants force; or of B*r*n, because he wants poetry. By poetry, I mean that nameless charm of expression, which raises it above prose. Whenever his Lordship tries metaphor, he fails most miserably. Take for instance, this distich.

‘May the strong curse of crusht affections light
Back on thy bosom with reflected blight.’

Really, this is the most extraordinary curse (and in more ways than one) that ever came from the pen of a poet. It is a curse, in short, which first turns into a ray, then sets off from a bosom, returns back, becomes a flower, and at last suffers a curious blight enough,—a reflected blight. Now a flower which reflects, can, I think, be no other than Venus's looking-glass.

‘On ‘All the talents’ vent your venal spleen;
Want your defence, let pity be your screen.’

English Bards and Scotch Reviewers.

After these unfounded personalities, his Lordship can expect no mercy from me. I, however, have less occasion than others to complain of his licentious satire. His ‘Sketch from Private Life’ draws a portrait so diabolical, that I defy it to find a prototype in nature; and if it be meant for any human being, I thank my God I have not a heart capable of suggesting such vengeance, far less of laying the demoniac anatomy bare to the public gaze.

—In Italy the nightly question is, ‘have you sprinkled the bed?’ In Cumana, the first question in the morning is, ‘have we a cool river to-day?’

—Spurzeim, the man of skulls, has accommodated the human race with thirty-three faculties. His theory would be quite established, if he could prove that he himself possesses half the number.

—I take some merit to myself for having made this a Cabalistical term, and fixed it on these folks in perpetuity. But really 'tis quite delightful to hear them still talking of their talents, and of the confidence which the country feels in their powers of legislation. Why a whole generation—the third part of the people— have grown up under the present government. They know nothing about opposition as a ministry; save and except one disastrous trial of a year, a month and a day: Nine years, however, have since elapsed, without the least danger of another trial, even for an hour, a minute and a second.

—No man can now deny that it was the Spanish war which saved Europe. And here I must say a few words about the Spanish patriots. If ever we were justified in interfering between a government and its subjects, we should act as mediators for these unfortunate men. We fought conjointly with them, when their avowed object was constitutional, as well as national liberty. That liberty they have not obtained, but are exiled. Can we not possibly influence Ferdinand in the adoption of such a system as might unite both parties? This I know, that to preserve Spain from a civil war is our interest; and that the patriots, if not conciliated, may shake the Spanish throne to its foundation. At all events, as a mere matter of feeling, we should undertake the cause of our old companions in arms.

— Common sense, self-love, and even chance, all conspire to make a minister act for the public good. As often, therefore, as he does right, a systematical opposition must do wrong. Now in all human calculation, a minister, so actuated, must do right three times for once that he does wrong; and consequently, a systematical opposition must do wrong three times for once that it does right.

— ‘Now we shall ride rough-shod through Carlton house!’ was the immortal vociferation after Percival had fallen. But, it seems, asses have ears as well as hoofs. I could never learn, to a certainty, which of the two noble lords stood listening at the keyhole, while the other was closetted with the king. I only know, that the odium lies

—Mr. Pitt said of Sh*r---n, that ‘he drew on his memory for wit, and on his imagination for argument.’ However, I wish this interesting old stager back again with all my heart. His facetious philippics would, at least, answer as a relief to the supernatural anger and ferocious admonitions of the rest.

—I believe this calculation is rather under than over, at least for the last year. But let us trace the statement farther. Six thousands pounds per hour is a hundred pounds per minute, and about a guinea and a half per second. What a freezing piece of arithmetic for B*rd*tt to frighten a mob with! I wonder too, Sir J---n N*wp---t never brought in a bill for the reduction of two pounds per minute in the war expenditure; or the Marquis of L---d---ne, a budget of ways and means to meet the exigencies of the ensuing 31,556,940 seconds. It would be so new and pretty!

—How this patriotic person has fallen! Alas, for those proud days, when he was the idol of dirty South-wark, and when its merchants christened their children after him, in adoration. Soon came the time, however, when its butchers called their dogs by his name, in contempt. Even the house, with all his pasquinading algebra, now look upon him merely as a gay debater. He makes no impression, because they do not consider him in earnest. And yet he is a trifler from sheer desperation. Were the man easier in his mind, I am convinced he would improve.

—I verily believe, if his party could come into power, they would make him Chancellor of the Exchequer to-morrow! And yet, it is certain, he disappointed his friends sadly when they were in power before. But what can they do? They have not a financial man amongst them.

—Government had disappointed his Lordship, so he wrote a pamphlet to prove that grass would grow in the streets of London. But he knows himself that not even brooms thrive there. A barber too had disappointed him; so he wrote a poem predicting cropped heads and unpowdered hair. This prophecy was awfully fulfilled. His Lordship, therefore, has much more to boast as a fop than as a politician. It was on the strength of his pamphlet, I presume, that he too visited the First Consul. His reception was curious. He made his bow. Napoleon asked him if he spoke French; and then, turning round, took snuff. His Lordship, I suppose, took umbrage.

—During the Spanish war, his Lordship used to talk about the expediency of a nucleus in the heart of Spain. Many respectable men suspected that he meant a concentration of our forces there. However, all agreed that he meant something or other.

—Why may not a judge pun, as well as a bishop? The following is an extract from a sermon in the reign of James the First.

‘Here have I undertaken one who hath overtaken many. A Machiavellian, or rather a matchless villain. One that professeth himself to be a friend, when he is, indeed, a fiend.’

—The first act of the talented administration was to tell the country that its resources were drained almost dry. The next act was to double the Property Tax! Then came the Marquis with a magical budget of virtue to carry on the war for ever and ever, without any additional taxation. John Bull jumped with joy. Man-milliners and pig iron were happy. But, alas, it was soon recollected that M. Dumont (who afterwards assisted Mirabeau in dethroning Louis) had educated the Marquis; and it was suspected that he had also taught his pupil the financial system of his countryman Neckar. So as this system had already ruined France, plain men began to conjecture that it might like wise ruin England. To conjecture, I say, because nobody (no, not even the Marquis himself) could make head or tail of it. Some thought it was the sinking fund reversed; but all allowed that it resembled nothing so much as Darwin's scheme to replenish human arteries, by transfusing into them, with a syringe, the blood of a calf. His Lordship has never held up his head since.

—A most interesting and most unpremeditated scene was presented to the police, when they broke into Sir Fr*n**s's house, on the memorable occasion of his commitment. They found his dear little boy by his side, reading Magna Charta! O pencil of Wilkie! what inferior canvas was then detaining you?

—Editor of the Morning Chronicle. Sir Fr*n**s perpetually quotes this print in the House. He likewise picks up much of his information from a person, who eats his hebdomadal dinner with the whisperer of the man, who whispers to the whisperer of Fouche.

—Considering that Sir Fr*n**s talks so much about the purity of election, odd doings enough took place at Westminster, when he stood candidate. Mills were divided into shares, in order to qualify votes for him; and several wretches, who swore they had votes, were transported for perjury.

—The Duke of Portland was absolutely obliged, by a circular letter, to prohibit the admission of Sir Fr*nc*s into any jail whatever throughout the kingdom:—that is, as a visitor; for he afterwards received admission into the Tower as a culprit.

—Collot D'Herbois first became notorious by pleading the cause of deserters and renegadoes. I trust the parallel between the two men will never extend any farther.

—A man must, I confess, be kind and humane, who has useless old friends, useless old horses, and useless old cows; none of which animals he will either cast off, shoot, or sell. Nevertheless, several of Sir Fr*nc*s's friends were hanged in spite of him: others were sent to Botany Bay; two were tried for high treason; one got a thousand lashes, and another cut his throat.

It may not be generally known that the anagram of Sir Fr*nc*s B*rd*tt is Frantic Disturbers.

—About three years ago the people of Huddersfield seized this itinerant reformist as a suspicious character. What a pity one is not suffered to make a fuss in peace and quietness!