University of Virginia Library

Soon as the Scribes were to their Torments gone,
I heard another Crowd come trampling on;
Grave Seigniors led the Æsculapian Rout,
Some crying, Oh! the Stone, some, Oh! the Gout;
Holding in ev'ry Interval a Chat,
Of Acids, Alkalies, and Hell knows what.
Some boasting of a Nostrum of his own,
To all the College but himself unknown.
Another prais'd an universal Slop,
Made from the sweepings of a Drugster's Shop;
Whose wond'rous Vertues may be seen in Print,
Tho' he that made it never knew what's in't.
Another wisely had acquir'd an Art,
To make a Man Immortal by a Squirt.
Some with two Talents were profusely blest,
And seem'd to study least, what they profest,
In earnest Poetry, and Physick but in jest.
One hop'd by Satyr he himself should raise
To the same Honour some had done by Praise,
But angry seem'd because he lost his Aim,
And did th' Ingratitude of Princes blame,
Who gave not that Reward he might in Justice claim.
As they mov'd forwards great Complaints they made
Against the crafty Pharmacentick Trade;
Bad were their Med'cines, and too great their Price,
Little their Care, and ign'rant their Advice;
Who from the Bills they fill'd had found a way
To seem as Wise, and be as Rich as they.
Ne'er fear, says one, a Project I'll advance
Shall bring them back to their first Ignorance.
The Means propos'd were neither wise, nor fair,
A frothy Thought that vanish'd into Air,
And left the wrinkled Consult in a deep despair.
Graduates and Emp'ricks here did well agree,
And kindly mix'd, like Gold and Mercury.
Both had their Bands, their Canes Japan'd with black,
Each in their Carriage had the same grave Knack,
'Twas hard to know the Doctor from the Quack.
Both skill'd to sift the Patients Worth, or Want,
And furnish'd were alike with Chamber-Cant:
Both could advance their Cane-heads to their Nose,
And bid the Nurse take off, or lay on Cloths;
Judge the sick Pulse, pursuant to the Rule,
And ask the Patient when he'd last a Stool:
Both talk'd alike, alike did understand,
Each had hard Words as Plenty at Command;
But that which some small distance had begot,
One knew from whence deriv'd, the other not.
The Emperick therefore in Dispute oft yields,
And gives the College D***ce the Mast'ry of Moorfields.
Thus he that's Sick to either may address,
For both administer with like Success,
The Quack oft kills, the Doctor does no less.
Next these a Troop of Med'cine Mongers went
With Cordials in their Hands, they should not faint,
Who rail'd against the College Dons, and swore
Themselves as Wise as those that went before.
One much disturb'd his Brethren were opprest,
Attention begg'd, and thus he spoke his best:
Thro' Zeal to's Trade, he rashly did begin,
Speaking as if on Earth he still had been:
If to our Wrong, Physicians stoop so low,
To keep a Med'cine Warehouse, let 'em know,
We'll practice Physick till we kill and slay
As many Thousands in a Year as they.
The Poor they promis'd should have Med'cines free,
Instead of that the Upper-World may see,
They make 'em pay great Rates for as bad Goods as we.
Therefore in just Revenge let's drive at all,
Advise, Bleed, Purge, and no Phisician call:
Thus into obstinate Resolves they broke,
And wisely, like Apothecaries, spoke,
We will do what we will, and let them see,
As long as we don't care, pray what care we.

St. Barth'lomew's Physicians next came up,
Some bred Tom-Fools, and some to Dance the Rope:
One Month employ'd i'th' Business of the Fair,
And th' other Eleven stroling Doctors were.
Of Learning these no Portion had, or Sence,
Their only Gift was downright Impudence:
Chiefly in Germany and Holland born,
But England's Plague, and their own Country's Scorn.
The Poor Fools Idol, and the Wiseman's Scoff;
Yet often cur'd what Learned Heads left off.
With these were Sow-Gelders, and Tooth-Drawers mixt,
And Barber-Surgeons here and there betwixt.
Some round their Necks had Chains and Medals got,
For Curing some strange Prince of God knows what:
Others who Bulls, and Bores, and Colts had Gelt,
Wore Silver Horse-shooes on a Scarlet Belt.
Whilst Spoon-Promoters with the rest came on,
Adorn'd with Sets of good sound Teeth they'd drawn.
Illit'rate all, from painful Study freed,
Scarce one could Write, and very few could read.
Themselves they extol'd, on others heaping Blame,
Their Bills and common Talk were much the same:
When e'er they spoke their barren Nonsence shew,
They little had to say, and less to do.
Some from the Loom, some from the Last arose,
Others from making or from mending Cloaths.
Pretending all such useful Truths they'd found
In Physick's Riddle, which but few expound,
That was most pleasant, speedy, safe and sure,
And in the twinkling of an Eye would Cure
The worst Disease on Earth, that Mortal cou'd endure.

Close to the Bar they now began to Crowd,
Hoping for Mercy, very low they bow'd.
The Judge being tir'd, did for some Hours adjourn,
And left 'em there to wait the Court's Return.