University of Virginia Library

Foot In My Mouth

By Whitey

Scene: A room in what was formerly U Hall (see story page 8) where the
University's Athletic Department is meeting

Athletic Director Strom Sebow: Men, I have called all of you, the big
people and the little people, to this meeting to discuss a very important
situation - black recruitment. The radical student agitators - they're nice
guys, don't get me wrong, they're really nice guys - the men on the student
council have the entire student body stirred up and we need some more
blacks to appease them.

Football Coach George Whiteburn: You mean I have to integrate my
Ohio and Pennsylvania Pollacks even more?

Baseball Coach Jim South: Maybe St. Ignatius has some good nigras.

Groundskeeper Tilley 'LawN Order' Wrong: Isn't 'good nigra' a
self-contradictory statement?

Basketball Coach Will Fibsom (smiling crookedly): No Tilly, only for
chauvinistic Virginia gentlemen.

Strom Sebo: Let me make one thing perfectly clear, we're getting off
track. I think that if we're going to remedy the situation and get this team
back together we must stick to the subject better, and make no mistake
about it.

Tennis Coach Gordy Cheerleda: Personally, I'd like to say on behalf of
the tennis team that we have done a really fine job in the humane field of
race relations. Almost without my aid my boys brought Arthur Ashe,
world's greatest quarter finalist, to the U Hall circus to play Yugoslavian
Zeljko Franulovich who, incidentally, is a really nice boy who puts on a
really spectacular show. In fact his show was almost as good as the show
those two Aussies put on the other day when my boys turned in a rousing
performance to beat the Deacons of Wake Forest and take over...

Strom Sebo: Yes, Gordy, I'm sure the tennis team is good but we're
straying from the subject again.

Sports Information Director Blarney Brook: If we had more money we
could buy, I mean get, some but since we're paying attention to the
student council and the alumni with the needed money hate the council
they won't give us any.

Strom Sebow: What can we do to get blacks on the non-scholarship
teams?

Coach South: I'm well aware that my team is one of the few at the U
without any black boys. Don't get me wrong, I mean you know, I have
nothing against them. In fact I think everybody should have one. I guess
that I'm still depending on the Great White Hope, Mike Cubbage, to guide
the team to a league title. I'm sorry Coach, maybe next year, you know
what I'm trying to say?

Blarney Brook: Don't worry about it, Jim, shrug it off. Really Strom,
we have been trying hard and advertising extensively for black jocks all
over the state but other schools such as ODC and VPI...

Coach Cheerleda: Excuse me, Blarney, but I think they changed their
names to ODU and VPU.

Blarney Brook: ...Other schools such as ODU and VPU have beaten us
to the truly prime athletes and left us with the rinkydinks. Would you
prefer we give away our scholarships to psuedo-All-Americans, thereby
taking away countless kegs from the Rugby team?

Coach Cheerleda: Or the tennis team's trip to Florida over the Spring
Break?

Coaches Whiteburn and Fibsom: Or recruiting trips all year round?

Tilly Wrong: Or money to pay the garbage men with which would result
in more groins since I can hire three for every two rednecks I fire?

Blarney Brook: Or bribe money to The Daily Cavalier?

Strom Sebo: Or the slush fund recently set up for the Roller Derby and
Grovelling teams. I see, obviously it would be bucking the establishment to
urge greater progress in the field of race relations and, after considering the
options, I think it only prudent to balk at the student council's demands
and simply tell it like it is, baby.

Coach Whiteburn: A lot of them wouldn't fit in, anyway, since when
they get together in groups they tend to sport too much facial hair and,
besides, most of the churches within walking distance of the University
don't allow their type.

Strom Sebow: Then I'll send a message to the DC saying that all
possible positive effort deemed expedient is being done to better the
situation at the University. I like Orange, Blue and Lilly White anyway.

Blarney Brook: Let's go home, men, the jig's up.