University of Virginia Library

ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT BROKE
AFTER RECRUITING SCANDAL

By Weanie Would
Daily Cavalier Staff Cyie

Director of Athletics Steve Sebo
has announced that the annual
Athletics Awards Banquet will be
held at The White Spot this year.
The black tie Dutch Treat affair
will be Thursday, May 21st, and
will begin at 7 p.m. Traditionally
held at the Keswick Club, the
change was made because the
Athletic Department has apparently
run out of money.

"I can't understand it," remarked
the baffled Mr. Sebo. "I
never thought it would all go so
fast."

The usually meager University
Hall bank book took an awful
beating this year, in this one of
the University's most successful
recruiting campaigns. The cash
bonuses paid out to the new
recruits apparently totaled more
than Mr. Sebo and his staff had
expected . . . 5 million dollars
more.

"Things just got out of hand,"
Mr. Sebo went on to add in
yesterday' surprise press conference,
held in the Athletic Department's
new offices, located in the
basement of Bonnycastle House
(see story above U. Hall Sold).
"We were in great shape when we
paid our last football recruit the
usual $400,000, but after that I
just don't know what went
wrong." What went wrong was a
wild spending spree that drove the
Student Aid Foundation into
bankruptcy and shocked the
nation (See Sports Illustrated,
April 1st 'Everything They Touch
Turns To Mud').

Apparently not to be outdone
by the football office, and taking
a cue from professional basketball
recruiting, coach Bill Gibson
payed out $750,000 to recruit
backcourtman Joe Willie Hotch
to play ball at the University next
winter. Crotch, a senior at Lowerburg
Training School and
Correctional Institute is a 5-10,
270 pound guard and has been a
standout for the three to five
years he has been serving for
armed robbery. An honor student
who has been on good behavior
for the past two seasons, he
passed up offers from North
Carolina and Sweet Briar by
signing with the Cavaliers. Lowerburg
is a member of the rugged
Mid-Pennsylvania Reform School
League, and in the past has sent
graduates on to star with such
teams as Levenworth and Alcatraz,
both of the famous "Big
House" Conference.

Yet even before the ink was
dry on Joe Willie's statement
-of-intent tennis mentor Gorden
Burris announced that he had
signed the Illinois 13- and under
doubles champions, Lonnie and
Ronnie LePetus for the even more
incredible sum of $1 million.
Beaming from ear to ear, the glib
Mr. Burris' only comment was
"Yuk, yuk Hooter, see if you can
top this."

Photo by Magic

"What's A Mother To Do?"

Dean Allan Williams After This Morning's Sale

Indeed, Mr. Gibson would have
to go some to top that. Wrestling
coach George Edwards, however,
was not of the same opinion.
Sadly in need of a heavyweight,
the cunning Mr. Edwards had
secretly contracted with the Baltimore
Zoo to buy their 500 pound
teenage gorilla Wet Willie for $1.5
million. Willy put his thumb print
to a grant-in-aid last Wednesday
evening in a ceremony held in the
living room of the Zoo's monkey
house while his parents, newsmen,
assistant coach Glenn Thiel, and a
crew from the local television
station looked on. "It was tight
there for a minute," said the
ebullient Mr. Edwards. "I didn't
think he was going to make it
with his 322 SAT scores. But
taking a look at some of the apes
on the freshman football team I
realized that nothing is impossible.
Wow, are we going to wipe up
now!!!"

One by one the other teams
continued to outdo each other in
their recruiting offers until the
bottom fell out of the market late
Saturday afternoon with the signing
of 12 Canadians to play ice
hockey here next year. It was not
until after the youngsters, all
former lumberjacks, had signed
the contract giving them a total of
5.5 million for the next three
years that someone realized that
the University doesn't even have
an ice hockey team.

"I just don't understand it,"
sighed the exasperated Mr. Sebo.
"Nothing like this ever happened
to Purdue."

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