University of Virginia Library

OPEN SIN

Lawn Residences Defiled

By Ebenezer Cooke
Daily Cavalier Staff Virgin

Every year, thousands of
visitors stroll down the quiet
walkways of the Lawn,
enjoying its serene beauty. But
behind those closed doors of
Lawn residents there are goings
on that would shock them.
After detailed investigative
work, The Daily Cavalier here
exposes the true condition of
the Lawn—one of Open Sin.

Since the administration
"Liberalized" visiting hours this
year, the more degenerate and
ungentlemanly elements of the
university have seen fit to turn the
Lawn into a hotbed of lusty
pleasure and drug use. A sign
posted on the bathroom behind the
East Lawn reading "Ladies Only" is
an indication of the shameless
behavior exhibited by the Lawn
residents who defile the residences
designed by Mr. Jefferson himself.

"I only wish that students
would find it in their hearts to
follow the fine moral example
exhibited by the great founder"
commented Dean Waxen Broody.
"It was never my idea to have a
bunch of painted floozies in short
skirts around here anyway," he
added. "It was my idea thirty years
ago, but no one listened then."

An alumnus, David Lee Randolph
IV, class of 1929, said he was
"disgusted to find the students
cavorting in public with such low
types, without any sense of guilt or
honor." He added, "I've also
discovered that some students have
been smoking LSD and I'm amazed.
I guess bourbon isn't good enough
for them anymore." He suggested
that the University stop admitting
out-of-state students and "keep
them Yankee hippies and
communists where they belong."

A resident of the Lawn, who
prefers to remain anonymous,
informed The Daily Cavalier that
some students have actually had
female guest stay in their rooms the
entire weekend. He also said that
there is one neighbor of his whom
he knows for sure takes marijuana.
"The student in the room next to
me had a girl in his room last
weekend and I couldn't sleep

because they were giggling so loud,
but I know what was going on in
there, even though they pulled the
curtains shut so I couldn't look
anymore. I should have lived in my
fraternity house ; another year," he
said.

Emma Louise Snort, of the
Newcomb Hall Grill, said that she
found the behavior of the Lawn
residents "disgusting." She fumed,
"I see them come in here for
breakfast every Saturday morning
and I know what they've been up
to (I was young once myself). I
don't think decent people should
have to exposed to this filth."

Since the beginning of the year,
petting and necking have become
commonplace on the Lawn and in
some cases students have been
accused of "going all the way."

One of the more repugnant
features of life on the Lawn was
revealed by a student who discussed
personal hygiene. "Sometimes you
sit in your room late at night in
winter and it's thirty below outside,
and you're in your pajamas. Then
suddenly, nature calls and you
gotta go. You walk over to your
closet to get a coat and look inside
and see your sink. And you think
how cold it is outside and how
nobody's looking and no one will
ever know, and then you put your
coat back and... well, think about
it."