University of Virginia Library

RIP! BIFF! SOCK! BLAM! ZAP! WHAMMO!

"No, Boy Blunder. Good
try, but not this time. It means
something else," said the
Condescending Crusader.
"Now at least we know who
we're up against, oh bitter
day." Ratman looked at
Robert. "Who usually sits here,
day in and day out week after
week, year after year, peddling
his smutty and unclean ideas
and handing out his subversive
literature?"

"Holy Fellow Traveler! You
mean, you mean," stuttered
Robert, "you mean it's he, ah
him ah..."

"Yes, I'm afraid it is
Robert. It's our old arch
nemesis, The Squire," declared
the Deductive Detective. "And
it looks like trouble."

"But, Holy Hargis, Ratman,
are you sure?" asked the Boy
Blunder.

"Unfortunately I am, dear
Boy Blunder," answered
Ratman. "The National
Association of Business
Primates are meeting today in
this building and it would take
something mighty important to
make him forgo the perverted
pleasure of being right here at
this table to Insult our patriotic
primates."

"Holy Hominy, something
like disrupting the paramilitary
ceremonies at Smut Stadium,"
said the Conclusive Crusader.

"Right Robert We've no
time to loose. Let's go and give
that Surreptitious Subversive a
dose of rat poison, before he
does any harm," said Ratman.

"But, Holy Antidote,
Ratman, can't we be a bit more
subtle. Can't I just call up the
athletic department and have
them send the football team
over to protect the ceremonies.
That worked in 1969,"
suggested Robert.

"No we don't have the
time. Besides the football team
will all be out on the field
participating in the
paramilitary goose-step parade,
close at hand in case we need
them," answered Ratman.
"This vilifying villain is
slippery and if we take the
time to set a rattrap we might
lose him."

And with that the Tumored
Twosome scurried in great
haste over to Smut Stadium
where the paramilitary
ceremonies had already begun.
The Costumed Cretins darted
into the stands where they saw
their unsavory adversary
standing in the reserved section
of Smut Stadium holding up a
sign picturing dead Vietnamese
babies and talking to an old
lady who was trying to beat
him with one of her tennis
shoes.

"Retched Rhetoric! I'll rap
that rumpled rascal, the
scroungy Squire!" shouted
Ratman charging at the
declarative demonstrator.

"Well, well, look here. If it
isn't the Diptheric Duo. What
draws you here this dramatic
day, Rodent?" wise-cracked the
sign-carrying Squire.

"I'll show you, you
inexcusable eel. Give me that
sign!" demanded the
Uncompromising
Crimestopper.

"Not on your life, furry
face. I've got a right to be here
and to keep my sign," retorted
the resourceful rascal.

"Maybe in Russia, peacenik,
but here where there are good,
clean-lining, right-thinking
Americans honoring their
country's paramilitary
tradition you don't So give it
to me, you Despicable
Disrupter," demanded Ratman.

"Go eat some cheese,
Ratfink," said the Squire.

"If you won't give it to me,
then I'll take it!" Ratman
grabbed hold of the Squire's
sign. R-i-i -i-i-i-i -i-i-i-i -i-i-p-p
ppp-p-p-p pp.

"Hey, you can't do that!"

"Resisting the law huh?
You asked for it" said
Ratman. And then it was; RIP!
BIFF! SOCK! BLAM!
WACKO! ZAP! CRUNCH!
CRASH! SMACK! BARF!
CLUNK! GORK! GROK!
DORK! CRANK! ZAM!

And when the dust cleared,
Commissioner Camblos and his
men, who had arrived just in
the nick of time, were there to
scrape up the squire and shovel
him into a waiting police car.

"Congratulations, Ratman,
You and Robert have made
Gothic City a safe place to live
once more. I don't know what
we'd do without you," said the
congratulating commissioner.

"Thank you, commissioner.
Just all in the line of duty, to
make sure that this place stays
clean of scourges like the
Scummy Squire," replied the
Modest Mouse.

The commissioner put his
arm around the fabulous
thought-crime fighter.
"Ratman, you've done it
again!"

"Say, I've heard that line
before. Come Robert, let's
return to our work on the case
of the Old Maid."

"Holy, crew cut, Ratman!"

***

Stay tuned for our next
exciting adventure when The
Squire meets Judge Saliva; or
the Case of the Misanthropic
Magistrate.