University of Virginia Library

A Society's Birth

By CHAD JEREMY

"The beaks are for geeks,"
exclaimed former Corks &
Curls editor Drew Balley, amid
the joyous, festive party
celebrating the formation of a
new secret society.

Disgusted, disgruntled, and
dismayed, Mr. Bailey withdrew
from the Raven Society last
fall and went into seclusion.

However, Mr. Bailey was in
rare form at the Rotunda
party, held in complete
darkness last night.

"Several of my cohorts
have joined forces with me to
create a new semi-secret
society in the grand tradition
of the University," Mr. Bailey
explained.

"We are calling it the
Anti-Ass Kissers Society, and
membership is open to all
members of the University who
show special talent,"he explained.

"We haven't decided what
kind of rings we'll have," Mr.
Bailey said. However, he said
that the AAKS have come to
agreements regarding other
traditional elements comprising
a successful semi-secret society.

The Secret Mark of the
AAKS is a hickey, located
medially on the right cheek.
Members of the new society
have plainly made their
presence known around the
Grounds, as evidenced by their
secret emblem, a huge "Z"
painted on steps and buildings.

"We feel that this society is
long overdue," Mr. Bailey
emphasized. "We expect it to
be an effective channel of
non-violent resistance to the
congestive atmosphere of social
rigidity at this institution."

Noting that the
membership ranks have only
been sparsely filled, Mr. Bailey
said, "We expect our ranks to
swell after this spring's Student
Council elections."

Officers of the AAKS were
elected several weeks ago, and
Mr. Bailey announced the
winners in the darkness of the
Rotunda.

Garnering the supreme
position of power is College
fourth-year man Steven G.
Wells, as Royal Crack. Mr.
Bailey and third-year man Tim
Wheeler, at Right and Left
Cheek, respectively, are one
step lower in the hierarchy.

Third-year man Bill
Bardenwerper was chosen
Suppository, and second-year
man Drew Gardner was cited
as Sphincter. "Drew was
always best at standing guard,"
Mr. Bailey explained.

Summing up, Mr. Bailey
ended the festivities by turning
on the lights and holding a
bottle of Fletcher's Castoria
high in the air, shouting, "This
society is dedicated to the
purging of deceit and
sycophancy from the social
system of this University.