University of Virginia Library

Letters From Tim's Mailbox

You promiscuous pederasts,
you intellectual eunuchs, you
knotty-headed know-it-alls,
you castrated cretins, you
malignant masturbators, you
canker-riddled esoteric
shysters, you, you, you,
spoiled brats.

Just wait til next week
when I get a chance to tell you
all just what I think of you
when I come to Charlottesville
next.

Mom

I hope you are having a
good time being editor of the
school paper. All the neighbors
back home are very proud of
you, but none of them is as
proud of you as me.

From what you tell me, I
gather that Bill Bardenwerper
is a nice boy (though not as
nice as his brother), and that
the red-haired boy Pat, is
pretty easy to get along with.
But that Business Manager
worries me (isn't "Mary" a
strange name for a boy?)

I'm sure that you can do a
better job than your friend
Steve did. And let me warn
you, I don't want to see any
dirty words or pictures in the
newspaper while you are the
editor. Because if I see any,
you're going to quit the
newspaper right away and go
to work on the yearbook.

Things here are fine. Take
care and try to eat well (I read
that the food in the Newcomb
Hall Grill isn't very good).

Dogs

Being an old graduate, a
dog on the Grounds makes me
just as unhappy as it does you.
Why, when I used to live on
the Lawn, we had them even
coming from Sweet Briar and
Randy Mack, and you would
know how hard it is to keep
them from pawing all over you.

One time me and my
fraternity brothers brought
some up from Hollins, and
even though we were putting
down a lot of good liquor,
when we looked at our dates
we always got sober real fast.

But as far as your fine
University goes, I just want to
congratulate you on how well
your young men seem to be
doing. I understand you will
have an outstanding football
team next fall, and I must say I
am really looking forward to
coming up there and seeing the
team win.

So all I have to advise your
young men is to have a good
time living on the Lawn, go
down the road a lot, drink
good liquor, have a good time
at your fraternity, and study
enough in between times if you
have to   keep in school and
have a good time.