University of Virginia Library

Fred Heblich

Taking Pride In Pauperization

It is certainly reassuring to
learn that President Nixon's
dismantling of federal
anti-poverty agencies is really
just another step in his
program to establish domestic
tranquility.

"The War on Poverty is
finally over," Presidential
advisor Herrman Harelipman
announced at a recent press
conference.

"After negotiations with
representatives from Harlem,
Watts, and Appalachia, both
sides have signed a ceasefire
agreement," he continued.

"We should remember at
this point that, after all, Mr.
Nixon inherited this War from
the Kennedy and Johnson
administrations, and since
taking office in 1968 has been
doing his damnedest to end it,"
Harelipman asserted.

"Since 1968 the President
has withdrawn hundreds of
government workers and
millions of American dollars
from the war zone and brought
these men and dollars back to
Washington where they
belong," the advisor said.

Harelipman snred. "Even
the most cynical critics of the
President's policies will now
have to admit that the
President's program of
Pauperization – turning the
burden of the war over to the
poor themselves – has been a
total success. This is a day all
Americans – excluding welfare
cheaters and freeloaders – can
be proud of."

"Now that the President,
asserting his moral leadership,
has ended the war, those
wasted American dollars can be
spent in areas of superior
priority, such as granting loans
to bankrupt corporations,
rebuilding North Vietnam, and
building new obsolete weapons
systems," Harelipman said.

"Just what are terms of the
ceasefire?" asked a reporter.

"The federal government
has agreed not to spend any
more money aiding the poor
and disabled," answered
Harelipman.

"What did the other side
agree to?" the reporter asked.

"The poor agreed not to
accept any further federal aid,"
Harelipman said.

The reporter was puzzled.
"But if the government isn't
going to give the poor
anything, there's nothing for
them to accept even if they
wanted to."

"Those details are being
worked out by a National
Supervisory Commission which
will observe the ceasefire areas
and try to establish lasting
peace in the War on Poverty,"
Harelipman said.

"Who is on the
Commission?" the reporter
asked.

"The Commission is made
up of delegates from
Mississippi, Alabama, several
defeated Republican
Congressional candidates, and a
team from Lockheed Corp.,"
Harelipman answered.

"Well, doesn't all this mean
that the President just decided
to give up on the War on
Poverty?"