University of Virginia Library

Fred Heblich

Stopping The Buck

Harry Truman used to have
a little sign on his desk that
said: "The Buck Stops Here."

Richard Nixon doesn't have
such a sign, but in a recent
press conference Presidential
Press Secretary Ronald Zigzag
and Treasury Secretary Schultz
reassured everybody that the
same principle still applies to
the Nixon administration.

"But," asked a reporter, "if
that's true, then why won't the
President take responsibility
for the Watergate affair?"

Secretary Schultz then
unveiled a large chart, and
Zigzag said, "Consider the
figures. The value of the dollar
has declined by over fifty per
cent. The same buck that
stopped with President Truman
wouldn't get past a White
House secretary today."

Zigzag went on, "So it should
d be obvious to everybody that
the buck never got up any
higher in the administration
than John Dean."

"But what about Haldeman
and Erlichman?" asked a
reporter.

"Well," said Zigzag, "some
bucks went to Mexico, and
Kalmbach was keeping some,
and you have to remember that
Dean blew a few bucks on his
honeymoon."

"Then tell me," said the
reporter, "just what b ck does
stop with President Nixon?"

"We haven't found any
yet," said Zigzag, "but the
cleaning lady found a couple of
rubles on his desk the other
day."

"That's ridiculous," said the
reporter, "that means the
President isn't accountable for
anything."

"You might conclude that,"
said Zigzag, "but if the price of
gold goes down enough, a buck
or two might get up to the
President."

"Well, what about you,
Ron," asked the reporter,
"how many bucks stop
you?"

"I'm not at liberty to tell
that sort of information," said
Zigzag, "but let me tell you
that before April 30, 1973 all
the bucks stopped with Dean."

Secretary Schultz then
shouted: "I KNOW
NOTHING!" and stomped
away.

"Don't mind him," said
Zigzag, "he's mad because we
didn't give him a couple bucks
to stop."