University of Virginia Library

Fred Heblich

To Uncle Arthur, With Love...

How are things in L.A.? I
haven't heard from you for so
long that I was very pleased to
see your letter in The Cavalier
Daily. Since I don't have your
address I guess the only way
we can correspond is through
the C.D. and they've been nice
enough to let me use these
columns to reply to your
letter.

I am flattered by your
concern, but Uncle Art, I fear it
is too late, and rather
unnecessary. At one time I too
was very worried that my
"long brown limbs and tender
bosom would be despoiled by
some lustful lout out for a
cheap night's adventure."

With that in mind I
cautiously avoided fraternity
parties, learned karate, bought
a chastity belt (and threw away
the key), lived in a single room,
and never drank anything
stronger than Sanka. But as
cautious and strong of will as I
was, I could not divorce myself
totally from the diabolical
influences so rampant on a
college campus.

Then one day, when I had
inadvertently locked myself
out of my room, I spent several
hours in another girl's room
while the workmen cut
through the six inch steel
plates on my door. She played
the radio, and indeed, just as
you said, there was a song
urging girls to "bang the whole
gang." But of course I really
didn't know what it meant
(then). And, also as you
warned, I happened to pick up
a book in her room called The
Story of O, which I began
reading because I thought it
was a biography of O. Henry.

As I read the book I began
to let that evil, animalistic side
of myself get the better of me,
innocent creature though I
was.

Well soon after reading The
Story of O (for the fourth
time) and buying a
recording of "Bang the Whole
Gang," I realized I was lost,
and in a frenzy I set off in
search of "some lustful lout
out for a cheap night's
adventure." But, Uncle Art, I
just couldn't find one. You see,
Uncle Art, I have grown since
the last time you saw me
(Modesto, '67), and my "long
brown limbs" are indeed long:
I am six foot seven. I was so
eager to find myself a "lustful
lout" and I soon decided that
the best course was to become
one myself. Luckily my
request fell on sympathetic
ears at Student Health. So after
a short stay in the hospital and
a quick operation, I became
your loving nephew instead of
your loving niece. Now,
unfortunately, my "tender
bosom" is not nearly as tender
as it used to be.

At first I thought the
miracles of modern science had
solved all my problems, but on
my first date my conscience
got the better of me and I just
could not bring myself to
despoiling her "tender bosom."

I sought the consolation of
some of my fellow "lustful
louts" and in the course of my
misery I realized that it was the
"lustful louts" themselves that
I really wanted.

Well, needless to say, Uncle
Art, soon after that I found a
"lustful lout" with the same
inclinations that I possessed.
And he's a wonderful fellow.
We get along just beautifully.
We both joined Gay Student
Union, and guess what?
Student Council just gave us
$45, although some right-wing
nasties are trying to take it
away from us.

I hope my little confession
hasn't upset you too much. I
am coming out to visit you for
Christmas, and please, Uncle
Art, don't knock it until you
try it: one "shaft of sunlight"
is as good as another.