University of Virginia Library

Fred Heblieh

Japs And Commie Baiter's Take Sides

All the experts agree that
this is a unique presidential
election. For various reasons
many ethnic interest groups are
breaking their traditional
loyalties with one party or the
other on a scale not seen in
30 years.

The largest and most
prominent group is the
Democrats for Nixon
organization. But though this is
the most publicized defection
it is by no means the only one.

For example, there is also
an organization known as the
Used-Car Salesmen for Nixon,
centered in Salt Lake City. The
spokesman of the group, Sam
Sawdust, recently told the
press, "Mr. Nixon has raised
our profession to an art. He's
the type of guy who could sell
a Corvair to Ralph Nader."

Another group that recently
decided to endorse the
President is known as Voyeurs
for Nixon. In a statement, the
organization's chairman, Tom
Peeping, said, "By his
remarkable feat in bugging the
Watergate, the President has
demonstrated an interest in the
maligned art of voyeurism
beyond our expectations. We
pe in his next four years he
ll continue his fight against
Supreme Court to make
espionage the enjoyable
pastime that it once was."

A decidedly anomalous
group, Hunchbacks for Nixon,
gave as their reason for
supporting the President, "an
admiration for his ability to
carry heavy load."

Senator McGovern also has
newly formed groups coming
to his aid. Tapping a force
previously unheard in
American politics, the senator
was just endorsed by Mental
Patients for McGovern.
Speaking from his office in
Davis Ward, the group leader,
oe Bedlam, cited McGovern's
"obvious compassion for the
mentally ill in dumping Sen.
Eagleton" as the reason for
supporting the Democrat.
Members of the organization
expressed hope that they could
all escape by election day in
order to vote.

The senator also gained the
support of a group called
Laboring Women for
McGovern. Speaking from her
bed minutes after delivering an
18 pound 4 ounce boy, Ms.
Kitty Litter, the organization's
chairperson, said, "Wow! After
that I don't have to tell you
how much I favor abortion
reform."

Also in the offing is the
support of Spiritualists for
McGovern. The spokesman for
the organization said that the
group had its best medium
working at the moment trying
to get an endorsement for the
senator from Franklin D.
Roosevelt in time for the
election.

The vice presidential
candidates have discovered new
political allies of their own.

Fat Japs for Agnew recently
appeared as a friendly force,
because as their spokesman
Tahuma Holo said, "You have
to admire the vice president's
candor."

Pollacks for Agnew recently
endorsed the Veep with the
statement, "One good joke
deserves another."

Slums for Agnew to this
point has given the Veep only
half-hearted support. In a press
conference in Watts, the
spokesman said, "Well, what
the hell. You've seen one vice
president, you've seen them
all."

The smiling and affable
Sargent Shriver was endorsed
by Harelips for Shriver, whose
spokesman lisped, "We need a
speech impediment in the
White House."

The only other news of
support came from the
National Observatory which
claimed to have detected
unidentified radio messages
from a group calling itself
Martians for Shriver.

The third man in the
presidential horse race, John
Schmitz, has also found
support. Commie-Baiter's for
Schmitz recently came to his
support, chanting the motto,
"When you're out of Schmitz,
you're out of smears."

At the moment such groups
as Canucks for Muskie, Uncle
Toms for Wallace, Welfare
Cheaters for Reagan,
Masochists for Yorty,
Garbagemen for Lindsay,
Puppeteers for Humphrey,
Brainwashers for Romney, and
the Friends of Curtis LeMay
have made no decision whom
to support.