University of Virginia Library

Fred Heblich

Gutsy Victory For Hero Dick

The crowd was so large
that ABC sportscaster Chris
Scheckel could hardly elbow
his way into the White House
locker room after the election.

Dragging his microphones
and camera crew, Chris finally
forced his way through the
room to where the hero of the
game was standing on a bench,
dressed in the red-white- and
blue of the Whittier
Pachyderms. Chris stuck' his
microphone into a sweaty,
stubble-covered face and said,
"Congratulations, Dick. That
was a magnificent victory
tonight."

Dick Nixon, All American,
took his index finger out of his
left nostril and said, "Thanks,
Chris. It certainly does feel
good. That was a rough one
tonight, but, although the
score was 61-38, the hitting
was hard, the language dirty,
and the emotions
blood-thirsty."

Chris faced the camera,
"Well, Dick, let me ask you,
what was your game-plan, and
did you stick to it?"

Dick waved his hand, trying
to shoot a booger off his
finger. "Let me be perfectly
clear, Chris. Our game plan was
sabotage, racism, distortion,
deception, bribery, and
showmanship. But basically we
wanted to establish our
running game early so we
could take to the air."

"I see," said Chris. "Dick,
whose plan was this?"

Dick made a "V" sign to
the cameras with the booger
still on his finger. "I would like
to take all the credit, but I
have to give a lot of thanks to
Coach MacGregor and Coach
Mitchell. They took my basic
ideas and put them into
action."

"How about Coach
Kissinger?" asked Chris.

"Well, Coach Kissinger
helped a lot. He put in a lot of
miles flying around collecting
scouting reports," answered
Dick.

"Dick, what was the
sabotage involved?" questioned
Chris.

"I wouldn't exactly call it
sabotage, you know,
everything's fair in war and
politics," laughed Dick, "But
stealing the opponents' play
book from the Watergate sure
helped a lot."

"What did the opposition
do, if anything, that surprised
you?" Chris asked.

"Aside from lack of team
spirit, they left some of their
best players on the bench, like
George Meany, and Dick
Daley," explained Dick.
"Other than that, I'd have to
say that when they changed
quarterbacks it really surprised
us, although we were pleased
with the change. Either Muskie
or Humphrey would have been
tougher than McGovern,"
added Dick.

"How about field position,
Dick? The opposition seemed
to be in a goal line stand the
whole time," asked Chris.

"That's true. We had very
good field position, and with
Spiro running interference, and
Mel Laird, John Connally, Roy
Rodgers, Mills Godwin and
some of the other boys out
there blocking, it was pretty
easy. They didn't get to me at
all," Dick answered, licking the
booger from his finger.

"Looking back, a lot of
people might question your use
of the bomb. Was it really that
effective?" asked Chris.

Dick smiled. "Give 'em hell,
I say. If you can cause havoc
and destruction with the bomb
there's no reason to go in there
and grind it out. Just look
what happened to Lyndon
Johnson when he tried it."

"How about your
opposition?" said Chris.

"They played hard, but
screw 'em. It takes guts,
meanness, and no scruples to
win the big one and they just
didn't have what it takes,"
answered Dick, pounding the
bench with his fist.

Chris took a step back and
then asked, "You seemed to
have a lot of support out there.
How does that make you
feel?"

"Chris, I was tempted to
bring in the Marine Corps
band, but I think our
cheerleaders, with a special
thanks to Julie, Tricia and Pat,
really kept things moving,"
said Dick. "Pat looks pretty
cute in a short skirt, don't you
think?" he added.

"Oh, I agree, Dick. Pretty
cute alright. Much better than
she does in those $5 cloth
smocks she buys at Sears," said
the announcer.

Dick smiled and didn't say
anything.

"Dick, what do you think
your most valuable play was?"
queeried Chris.

"By far, our most effective
maneuver was the quarterback
sneak," Dick said, laughing.
"They don't call me Tricky
Dick for nothing."

"Well," said Chris, "before
we go, let me ask you. Some
people say this is your last
performance. Now that you've
been elected president, do you
have any other ambition?"

"As a matter of fact Chris,
I do," said Dick, looking
straight into the camera. "I
want to win the Heisman
Trophy."