University of Virginia Library

'I Met This Guy At A Party, See...'

By BEVERLY DOWELL

"I can't study, I feel awful,
and nothing seems to be going
right," is a frequent cry heard
from students who visit the
Counseling Center and Student
Health with personal, social, or
academic problems.

About one-fourth of the
University's students are seen
by the Center for a variety of
reasons, but the underlying
root of the problem is usually
loneliness or anxiety.

He sits in his dorm room
going through 1001 Ways to
Play Solitaire for the third
time, He's lonely and often
wants to talk to someone, but
no one ever comes to see him.
He can't talk to people,
especially women, and he
hasn't been anywhere except
to classes since he came to the
University five months ago. He
is becoming extremely
depressed.

Difficulty in developing
relationships is one problem
that appears when a student
comes into a new environment.
Frequently, it is a problem
students bring with them from
high school, according to
Assoc. Dir. of Counseling Dr.
Brian Austin.

A student often has spent
his school years concentrating
on studies to the exclusion of
his social needs. In a new
situation, he becomes anxious
to socialize with others
without knowing how to go
about it. The student becomes
frustrated when he fails and
becomes increasingly
depressed.

Depression, then, is also a
problem for students,
particularly first- year women,
who often feel inferior to
everyone. Everyone seems
prettier, smarter, or more
skilled at discussion and
writing.

"Their reaction to the
atmosphere is a belief they are
going to fall," said Counseling
Director Earl Glosser. These
students were generally in the
top section of their high school
class, but here they find
everyone had high college
board scores and many
activities in school. Influenced
by parents to be very
grade-oriented, these students
see anything less than A's as
failure. As the student becomes
more anxious, she has more
difficulty studying in order to
make passing grades.

Exposure to new value
systems also troubles students
during the first and second
years. Sometimes students say
they feel "phony," Dr. Glosser
explained, because they are
trying out new values with
which they don't feel
comfortable.

The conflict between a
student's values (which are
usually those of his parents)
and his new peers' values often
bring the student to the Center
seeking a solution. Many
students are seeking someone
to tell them which system to
choose so that they can avoid
the painful process of learning
to make their own decisions.

"I met this guy at a party,
and he was so great I ended up
in his bed. He didn't call me
again, but I see him around the
Grounds sometimes. I'm not
even sure he recognizes me."

Since the admission of
women, the Center has been
more directly concerned with
problems of sexual adjustment
and sexual-social situations,
such as pre-marital pregnancies.
Some women are concerned
with being treated as sexual
objects, discarded when their
use is over.

The current controversy for
women over new options
versus the traditional role as
wife and mother also creates
anxiety. An intellectual
attitude toward liberation
frequently conflicts with the
emotional training a woman
acquires during childhood.
Occasionally student couples
find such liberation a problem
when the man's childhood
attitudes oppose the woman's
idea of liberation.

"Everyone's been calling all
week trying to persuade me to
change my mind. They keep
saying it will be the first
divorce in the family. The
marriage was okay, but there's
nothing there anymore, so why
should I stay with him? I'm
getting out of here. I'm going
to be a veterinarian. That's
what I've always wanted to
do."

Some married student
couples go to the Center
simply to try to strengthen
their relationship, while others
are trying to relieve some of
the stress created by the new
academic environment.

Money problems arise as
well, particularly when both
partners are attending school.
Most marital arguments are
rooted in the lack of money or
the way it is spent. The wife is
usually expected to quit school
to work, yet this causes her to
question the husband's
awareness of her needs and
desires. She often feels her
value as a person to be
diminished. The tension
inherent in this problem can
affect the marriage seriously.

Occasional UVa: Lonely, Dehumanizing Isolation

Student Health psychiatrist
C. Donald Hammond finds
marital problems are on the
increase because people "are
getting married for different
reasons than 20 years ago."

Economic motives were the
primary reason for marriage
previously, but now "people
are marrying to avoid
emotionally freezing to death,"
Dr. Hammond said.

Students often marry to
fulfill their need for love and
attention. They expect the
partner to wipe out all the
loneliness they have felt for the
last 20 years, yet when the
glow wears off they find
themselves right back where
they were. Since the partner is
to blame for not fulfilling the
needs, the solution seems to be
divorce and search for a new
partner.

It's three a.m., and he has
been studying for 18 hours.
Suddenly he decides to have a
party; he turns on the record
player, the radio, and the
television. His apartment mates
restrain him from knocking on
the doors of all the other
apartments, but he refuses to
go to sleep, insisting everyone
join him in singing Cavalier
ditties.

Exam periods are times of
anxiety and loneliness for
many students. The Davis
Ward, University Hospital
psychiatric ward, prepares each
year for the influx of students
during exams.

With the importance of
grades in admission to graduate
and professional schools and
the grade-oriented philosophy
of most students, the fear of
failure increases. For some
students failure is not an "F"
but a "C" which they equate
with mediocrity.

Frequently a student seems
to be unconsciously trying to
fail because total failure is
better than just being
"average" and lost in the
crowd. At the last moment, the
student may try to catch up,
but with so little time his
anxiety grows to the point
where he can no longer
function.

Other students find their
performance goes down
because of anxiety. They aren't
sure what the professor expects
them to know or do, or as
exams near they become
increasingly anxious and tense.

The Center offers a program
each year before exams to help
reduce anxiety. Students are
taught how to relax using some
simple isometric exercises and
how to associate relaxation
with exams.

The relaxation techniques
are also useful for students
who are anxious and
uncomfortable in social
situations. Paralyzed vocal
chords, sweaty palms, and a
seething mind make it hard for
a student to extend himself out
to contact others.

"Graduate happy hour is
almost a meat market for
graduate women," Dr. Austin
said. "They feel on display, yet
it is the only place they have to
create a social life."

Many students are caught in
the dilemma between
loneliness and a dehumanizing
experience, isolated from the
University. Living in
apartments, both women and
men have difficulty meeting
new people and begin to