University of Virginia Library

'Can You Make Love With The Lights On?'

By STEVE GRIMWOOD

Throw away that dusty,
old-fashioned marriage manual.
Toss out Master's and
Johnson's nasty clinical details.
Cosmopolitan has answered
the prayers of the "hip, career
woman" and proudly presents
their first edition of
Cosmopolitan's Love Guide.

"Here, we hope," says
Cosmos' editor Ms. Helen
Gurley Brown, "is the ultimate
love book..." Ultimate it most
certainly is, but in absurdity,
not in love.

***

Do the words vagina,
clitoris, vuiva, penis, or
scrotum make you cringe or
blush? If they do, you are not
sensuous. Can you make love
with the lights on? If not, you
are not sensuous.

So how may I become
sensuous, cries the poor girl.
First, rid yourself of all those
sexual fallacies that plague the
average woman. This may be a
shock to some female readers,
but the following statements
are absolutely false.

–Only prostitutes and
degenerates get venereal disease

–Intercourse is dirty

–Too much sex is
unhealthy

–Your nose determines
your vaginal size

Second, develop your
erotic senses. Surprisingly,
these turn out to be the same
old senses you have had all
along, namely touch, smell,
taste, sound, and sight. When
you get the time, try some of
these sensual developers.

–Eat hot cheese fondue
outdoors on a cold day

–Put on a long nylon
nightgown and wear it into the
shower

–Eat Chinese food with
chopsticks

–Visit an ethnic restaurant
you have never tried

–Hold a piece of Swiss
chocolate in your hands until it
melts

Thirdly, know your body
naked. You know who is going
to get a good look at it sooner
or later so you better find out
what he is feasting his eyes
upon.

Fourth, learn how to excite
yourself. Not with those nasty
little vibrators but with good
stimulating stuff such as Frank
Yerby, Henry Miller, and last
but not least, the soundtrack
from "2001."

You are now only one
quarter through your love
guide and look at all you've
learned! But so as not to spoil
it for you, let's just take some
sneak looks at the rest of the
book.

"This is the best coffee
break I've ever had." "My
God–this has cleared my
sinuses," "Come
again?"–From "Things to Say
in Bed."

"Sleeping with you is like
spending the weekend in
Hinkley, Ohio." "Maybe we
should get a vibrator,"–From
"Things Not to say in Bed"

"Do make passes at men
who wear glasses. Nearsighted
men see you through a nice,
blurry haze,..."–From "Final
Tactics for the Unpretty Girl"

"Did you know that the
average penis can double its
size in three seconds? That's as
long as it takes you to say
"Yes!"–From "Know His
Body...Nude"

"Pushing a grape into his
mouth from yours isn't bad at
all. If you really love him,
chocolate is even

better."–From "For the
Unimaginative Lover"

Obviously, the Love
Guide is its own worst enemy.
The preceding passages are but
a taste of the endless ludicrous
comments and advice
contained in the Guide.

To be fair, there is some
good advice in the book. But it
is surrounded by "cutesy"
phraseology and rendered
unpalatable. For example,
there is a fairly accurate
section on vaginal problems.
Yet even here they add such
gems as "You can see the wee
little beasties in your pubic
hair." (crabs)

"Cutesy" sex best describes
the attitude taken by the
authors of the Guide. One
can see Mary Tyler Moore or
Sandy Duncan sitting down
with the Guide for an
evening of informative reading,
for they apparently have no
intelligence to insult, and they
are both "hip, career women"
who are undeniably cute.

In short, the Guide's
makeup is reminiscent of
Penthouse the cartoons are
from Playboy, and the
content reads like the
National Lampoon. If you
are looking for some yuks, buy
the Guide. It's hilarious. If you
are in need of good, hard
information, pull that dusty,
old-fashioned marriage manual
and Master's and Johnson's out
of the trash.