University of Virginia Library

Fred Heblich

The Price Of Peace

Now that the war in Vietnam is over,
America has a chance to re-evaluate its
priorities. Everyone thinks this means
spending less on military hardware and more
on human resources. At least everyone
thought that until President Nixon announced
the federal budget for the coming year.

Nixon surprised almost everyone by
announcing that during the peace we will be
spending even more on defense, not less.
Instead of re-evaluating priorities, Americans
are going to have to re-evaluate their basic
economic views.

One man who is not surprised over the size
of the new defense budget is General
Confusion, a top military advisor in the
Pentagon.

Gen. Confusion explained, "The reason for
the size of the defense spending is simple: war
is cheaper than peace."

"You aren't serious?" asked a reporter.

"I certainly am. Everyone in the Pentagon
knows that peace is more expensive than war.
John Kennedy and Lyndon Johnson knew it
too. Nixon doesn't believe us."

"But didn't we waste billions of dollars in
Vietnam that could have gone to better use?"

The General laughed. "All the money that
went to Vietnam kept spending down. If it
hadn't gone to Vietnam it would have
probably wound up in the hands of welfare
cheaters or anti-pollution do-gooders."

"But why do we have to spend even more
money now that the war is over?" asked the
reporter.

"Didn't you hear me the first time, boy?
A war is cheaper. It's simple. While the war
was going on the government could keep
saying that it was spending all the money on
war. Now that it's over, all the free-loaders
and potheads have their hands out. So what
we have to do is spend even more money on
defense to keep it out of undeserving hands."

"But couldn't you just spend the same
amount that you spent during the war?"

Gen. Confusion smiled. "No way. At least
during the war some people felt threatened by
the yellow peril. The government could make
a good case for defense spending because
there was a war, but with no war to fight you
have to be careful. If you don't keep up the
spending, people start feeling that they really
don't need new missiles and submarines: they
start to relax."

"But do we need more missiles and
submarines?" asked the reporter.

"Look, sonny. The army knows what you
need. That's what we get paid for. If everyone
was so concerned about giving handouts to
welfare cheaters they should have never let
Nixon stop the war. The trouble with the
American people is that they don't know
when they're well off."

"Let me get this straight," said the
reporter. "What you're saying is that during a
war we spend less on the military because
people are willing to pay for it. But during
peace we have to spend more on the military
because people aren't willing to pay for it."

"That's essentially correct," agreed Gen.
Confusion.

"But how do you convince the people to
pay for it?" asked the reporter.

"Well, during a war, you know who your
enemy is, But during peace the enemy isn't so
obvious. You have to convince the people
that there is an enemy even when they can't
see one."

"Okay. Who is the enemy now?"

Gen. Confusion smiled again.
"Everybody."

"Everybody!" screamed the reporter.
"That's ridiculous."

"You can't be sure," said the general. "we
have a motto over here in the Pentagon."

"What's that?"

"Be prepared."

The reporter flinched. "Well, anyway, the
economy is in pretty bad shape. Does the
president have ideas on how to change it?"

"This is confidential, but, we've been
advising him that the best thing to do is to get
involved in another war. It would be a lot
cheaper. This is what he has in mind for Phase
IV."

"Another war? Where?"

"We're not sure. Maybe Northern Ireland,
or Israel. Perhaps something else will develop
in the next few months."

"But if Nixon wants another war, why did
he get out of Vietnam?" asked the reporter.

Gen. Confusion smiled again, "It's the
Quaker in him."