The Cavalier daily :: Friday, April 13, 1973 :: University of Virginia Library

Head Football Coach Don
Lawrence announced the
signings of three football
players yesterday. This is
expected to be the last such
announcement this year.

Lawrence said, "I'm
confident that we now have
the wherewithal to go out on
the field and do our job right."

Certainly, the three new
players are a distinct group and
represent a radical departure
from the traditionally staid
recruiting practices typical of
this University.

The two native Virginians
are both females. Mira Cuticle
is a 5'6" nail specialist straight
out of Joe's Finishing
Academy in Southside, Va.
Mira has unusually quick hands
and should prove an invaluable
aid to the team in dispensing
manicures.

As Lawrence explained,
"We've been getting a lot of
flak about the grooming
practices of our gentlemen
athletes." The source of these
complaints surprisingly does
not come from alumni or
teachers. Instead it is the
individual players themselves
who have reported serious
scratches from their long nailed
teammates in practices.

Reduces Injuries

"Besides reducing the
number of serious injuries to
our boys, short nails are
beneficial to those who play
the piano," Don quickly
interjected.

Another recruit standing
6'5" and weighing a hefty 275
lbs. is Zelda Z. Zaslovsky.
Zelda's talents are by no means
limited to the gridiron but her
role will be to assume the
duties of a mother. Surrogate
Coach Lawrence wants to
make sure the "boys" are
tucked in every night by 11
p.m., that they eat their
asparagus and take their
vitamins regularly.

It is hoped that Zelda can
keep the players in line and
keep them healthy. Her
eminent qualifications include
3 years in the Marines, the
ability to bench press 300 lbs.,
the experience of going out on
a date with Wayne Newton, a
naggy voice and a short
temper.

Finsterbloop Important

Last, but probably most
important is Melvin
Finsterbloop, a scarred veteran
of the hair-raising region of
coal producing Pennsylvania.
Melvin's specially is tonsorial
in nature and his task will be to
spruce up the team's image.

Top priority is a toupee for
long-suffering Coach Lawrence.
It was felt that this would
produce a spectacular rise in
the ratings for Don's weekly
Virginia Football Highlights
television program.

Sure enough, within hours
of the Finsterbloop signing,
word filtered down from New
York that Roone Arledge will
be attempting to buy from
WTVR - Richmond, TV rights
to the new program. Arledge
reportedly remarked, "We've
been looking Don over during
the past few years and now
we're convinced he's onto
something newsworthy. ABC
has always prided itself on
being where the action is, and
observing the ever-changing
face of sports."

Speedy "Blooper"

Lawrence concluded his
press conference with his
appraisal of Finsterbloop's
expertise.

"He's pretty fast, cuts real
well, has great lateral
movement and amazingly sure
hands."