University of Virginia Library

You'd Better Watch Out, Students

As part of its activities here this
weekend, the Federal Bureau of Investigation,
Narcotics Division, will
sponsor a forum tonight which
lambastes the use of marijuana and
other addicting substances.

Special speaker for the forum is
Miss Sally Sweet, a University of
Moscow graduate in physical education
(major: bowling). Miss Sweet
has spoken at several other such
conferences around the nation and
her case has been heralded as an
example of what can happen to
young innocent kids by several major
newspapers.

Her story has been described as
"heart rendering." Sally began the
road to evil when she became addicted
to soft drinks in grade school.
There she began stealing from the
principal's office in order to keep
her in the "stuff." It was then only
a hop, skip and a jump to alcohol
in high school where she began
consuming over a pint every other
month.

The fatal mistake came after Sally
entered Moscow U. Through her
association with "hippies" and other
far left groups she picked up the
grass habit. The new "drug" was
too much for her; her consciousness
was expanded.

Sally now entered a life of
debauchery. Arrested for loitering
57 times she was finally picked up
for writing graffiti on Lenin's tomb.
She served three years at hard labor
for her crime.

Sally now speaks with the voice
of experience, and tears come to her
eyes whenever she looks back on
her past. "Will you believe me when
I tell you that all the addicts I
know started on soft drinks?" she
laments. "Will you believe me when
I tell you that candy may not be
physically addictive but that it is
psychologically addictive.? Using
candy and soft drinks is sheer
stupidity (she said chokingly). I've
messed up a whole lifetime and now
I have to begin a new one. I'm 25."