University of Virginia Library

Narcs Shoot For Grass Roots
In War For Pie & Motherhood

By Jim
Cavalier Daily Staff Head

Widespread rumors to the effect
that local hippies will be seriously
scrutinized this weekend seem to
hold some validity. I have learned
while patronizing several joints
throughout Charlottesville that ex-San
Francisco narc—Kevin Kilo—
is currently heading a 2.2 man investigating
team.

In an exclusive interview granted
to The Cavalier Daily, Mr. Kilo,
accompanied by his wife Mary
Jane, wearing a button symbolic of
his interest in current scientific developments
"Better Living Through
Chemistry," promised that he would
not leave a stone unturned in his
investigation.

Grass Roots

Mr. Kilo, who spent his youth on
the Mainline in Philadelphia before
tripping to the Haight, was
quoted as saying, "We plan to get
to the grass roots of this issue."

Aiding Mr. and Mrs. Kilo in
their investigation is a team of
federal investigators, all well-versed
in the detection and apprehension
of heads. Following are biographical
sketches of the other squad
members:

Philip Morris—Mr. Morris was
born on a dirt farm near Chapel
Hill, North Carolina, but he did
not let the proximity deter him
from becoming a well known captain
of industry and object of
numerous pagings in hotel lobbies.
Indeed, the cry "Call for Philip
Morris" has instilled fear in the
hearts of many heads who knew
that when they heard it, ace agent
Morris had received another tip.
He decided to leave his position in
industry and go to work for the
narcs because, as he put it, "I felt
that I had to do something to prevent
this noxious weed from ruining
the health of the nation's
young people."

Unfairly Freaked

Frank "Buster" Freakout—
"Freeky," as he is known to his
most intimate friends, acquired his
flair for law enforcement at a tender
age while attending Women's
Temperance Union meetings with his
grandmother. As a youth he was a
member of the Boy's Club, YMCA,
Cub Scouts, Job's Daughters (Men's
Division) and Campfire Girls. After
failing to graduate from Buena
Vista Country Day School, he later
attended Theopholus Q. Waterhouse
Military School in Crozet where he
won distinction as water boy for
the Javelin Catching Squad.

During a brief stint in the Marine
Corps. Mr. Freekout turned in three
buddies for violating the Marine
honor code and two barrack maintenance
men for purloining the
commandant's stationery.

He joined the FBI, narcotics division,
two weeks ago, just after a
temporary but unfruitful job with
the New York Sanitation Department.
His first assignment as a narc
was to bust up the no-doze ring at
Goochland County High School.

After brilliantly executing this
assignment, Mr. Freekout is now
serving in the Charlottesville area.
He is now a temporary boarder at
the home of Miss Mary J. Whitney,
Dean of Women Undergraduate
Students in the College of Arts and
Sciences at the University. With
him are his wife, Matilda, and a
miniature Mexican Chihuahua
called Peyote.

Thaddeus H. Flynby—Thad was
born in a rainstorm on October 29,
1929 on the lower East Side of
New York. He worked for a furrier
for twelve years until his eighteenth
birthday, when the smell of garbage
in the streets woke him up to the
abuses of garbage. Since taking over
as top head of the bureau's "Classroom
Haul" department, he has
busted two high school rings, 173
English majors, 3 rock bands and
his way out of two paper bags.

Blind Justice

Mr. Flynhy is spending the duration
of his stay at a downtown
hotel, where he is rumored to be
establishing a houseboy's union to
report on underground smoking
activities. Mr. Flynhy, when questioned
of his work, said "What, me
worry?"

For those afraid of detection,
Mr. Flynhy may be identified by
the seeing eye dog he usually accompanies,
carrying 27 8 by 10
glossy print photos with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on
the back of each one.

Cecil Speed—Mr. Speed is probably
the top-ranked narc ever to
come to Charlottesville. The balding,
kindly former head of the
Nottingham County bureau has led
raids in all regions of the country.
His most famous exploit was probably
the peyote raid conducted
many moons ago against various
Indian tribes in Arizona and New
Mexico.

Mr. Speed is known as a fast
man with a search warrant; having
gotten power-of-attorney from a
local judge, he often fills them out
himself. No one should be deceived
by this supernarc's benign appearance,
for he has sent over two dozen
heads up the river in the last year
alone.

Death Of Ella Speed

He seems to have gone about
his business with a special zeal since
the death of his wife Ella, who
died as a result of withdrawal
symptoms. "Speed kills," one of
his victims allegedly said. Mr. Speed,
who is staying at the Presidential
suite of the Hotel Albemarle, has
pearly white teeth, a handsome
mustache, and a withered arm.

Miss Lucy Phillpott—Lucy, age
21, alternates as a day student at
Madison and an undercover agent
for the Fednarcs. Having received
instructions to "get a date Midwinters
with a head," Miss Phillpott
proceeded to shoot down a member
of the Honor Committee and a
co-captain of the football team.

Fussbudget

Whether she was able to carry
out her instructions was unknown
at press time, but her alternate instructions
were "Get picked up by
a head." Miss Phillpott will definitely
be in town. She is easily identifiable,
standing 6′2″ and weighing
an even 200 pounds. The bespectacled
Miss Phillpott is best known
as "Lucy in disguise with glasses."

Questioned as to the significance
of the lawn mower movement, a
spokesman for the group said that
"The ramifications of the underground
symptoms so latent in the
exhibition of the insides through a
facade of exhilaration produces an
inner-oriented attitude lackadaisically
called hallucination. It's anti-apple
pie, subversive, pinko, nasty,
mean, ugly, and not nice. I mean,
like wow, whoopee, keen, groovy,
yums, snooky—it really makes it."