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1Author:  Caruthers William Alexander 1802-1846Add
 Title:  The Kentuckian in New-York, Or, the Adventures of Three Southerns  
 Published:  1997 
 Subjects:  University of Virginia Library, Modern English collection | UVA-LIB-Text | University of Virginia Library, Early American Fiction, 1789-1875 | UVA-LIB-EarlyAmFict1789-1875 
 Description: “You will be surprised to learn that this letter is written in bed, on a large old portfolio of yours, while I am propped up with chairs and pillows behind; all during the doctor's absence, and against the urgent entreaties of the whole house. “The change in Virginia's deportment has been to me a curious subject of study and reflection. I dare not say that it has been entirely disinterested study, but perhaps it was none the less close and minute on that account. We are apt to investigate those engines which operate upon ourselves very philosophically. But before I go any farther, permit me to correct an error into which I fear I have led you, because I had honestly fallen into it myself. I stated to you that my sickness had cast out devils for me, and that I was altogether a changed and reformed man. It is no such thing; I feel the devil of mischief and fun in me even now. It was nothing more than a natural depression of animal spirits, consequent upon the low state of my stomach and pulsations. The doctor was my priest on the occasion. He subdued the old Adam in me for a time, by the assistance of his lancet and the whole vegetable and mineral kingdom, worked up into shot and bullets vulgarly called pills, by the aid of which these same doctors, I believe, often do a deal of execution; at all events this disciple fleeced me of a goodly quantity of the flesh upon my ribs; none of his shot happened to be mortal; but, nevertheless, I would advise you to keep out of the reach of their magazines. The muzzle of a pill-box is as terrible to me now, as the mysterious dark hole in the end of a forty-two-pounder; and a blister-plaster as awful as an army with banners. As for cupping-glasses and scarificators, they are neither more nor less than instruments of torture, borrowed from the Spanish inquisition. But above all, deliver me from the point of a seton-needle! Did you ever see a cruel boy string fish on a stick before they were dead? He runs the stick through the gills, tearing and torturing as it goes; so do these disciples of Esculapius; they seize a piece of your skin, no matter how scarce the article may be,— no matter if your lips do not cover your teeth, and the bones of your nose look white through the attenuated sheath! Away goes this surgical bayonet through a handful of it, armed with a piece of gum elastic, which is left sticking there, the sensation on the back of your neck being as if the ramrod of a small swivel had been shot through it; and there you must sit, or stand, or lie, with this huge thing all the while poking your head forward, as if you had a pillory on your back. “I have deferred the closing of this letter a day longer than I intended when I penned the above. The fact is, I was not so much in the humour for writing as I expected. I was compelled to order your horse and take my first ride, and you may be sure that I did not restrain his mettle. What would you argue from this? That I was successful? or defeated? I should suppose neither, from that circumstance alone, say you,—as you would be apt to ride down your impetuosity in either case. `They tell me hereabouts you're married. Well, hurrah for old Kentuck, I say, and her sister Carolina. I'm married, too! yes, and I believe everybody's married, nearabouts, as far as I can learn. It's twisted strange, ain't it, when a feller gets half corned,[5] [5]Western term for drunk. everybody reels round; and when a feller gets married, everybody else should get married just at that particular time.
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