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1Author:  Locke David Ross 1833-1888Requires cookie*
 Title:  The struggles (social, financial and political) of Petroleum V. Nasby  
 Published:  2003 
 Subjects:  University of Virginia Library, Text collection | UVA-LIB-Text | University of Virginia Library, Early American Fiction, 1789-1875 | UVA-LIB-EarlyAmFict1789-1875 
 Description: Enclosed find photograff uv myself, ez you desired. To make a strikin picter, I flung myself into the attitood, and assoomed the expreshun wich mite hev bin observed onto my classikle countenance when in the act uv deliverin my justly celebrated sermon, “The wages uv Sin is Death.” The $2.00 wich yoo remitted to kiver the cost uv the picter wuz, I regret to say, insuffishent. The picter cost 75 cents, and it took $1.50 worth uv Bascom's newest whisky to stiddy my nerves to the pint uv undergoin the agony uv sittin three minits in front uv the photograffer. I need not say that he is a incendiary from Massachoosets. Ez the deceased Elder Gavitt's son, Issaker, hez expressed a burnin desire to possess his apparatus, it is probable that public safety will very shortly require his expulsion. But I hed my revenge — in his pocket is none uv my postal currency. Sekoorin the picter, I told him I wood take it home, and ef my intimit friends, those who knowd me, shood decide it wuz a portrait, I wood call and pay for it afore he left the Corners. Will I do it? Will this picter-takin Ablishnist ever more behold me? Ekko ansers. “To drinks doorin the month uv Janooary at 10 cents per drink, $30 00.” “My dear Sir: My confirmashen by the Senit uv the Yoonited States to the posishen uv Postmaster at the Confederit × Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, bein somewhat jeopardized by my operashuns in the politikle field doorin the past two years, I hev the honor to explain that, notwithstandin the fact that I wuz a original Demokrat, early in the war I took up arms for the preservashen uv our beloved Yoonion. The precise date I cannot give, owin to the demoralized condishen uv my mind at the time; but that yoo can assertane for yoorselves. It wuz about two weeks after the fust draft. That I laid down arms agin ez soon ez the regiment struck Southern sile will not, when the motives wich actooated me are known, be allowed to weigh agin me. It hez bin sed I deserted to the enemy, — so it wuz sed uv John Champe, but history subsekently vindicated him; he went to ketch Arnold. I will not stop to reply to my defamers; but ef it comes out finally that I went for the purpose uv satisfyin rebels by okular demonstrashun that they hed nothin to hope for from the Northern Democrats, uv whom I am a average specimen, what kin my enemies say then? “It's trooly a splendid country! The trade in the skins uv white bears kin be, if properly developed, made enormous. There is seals there, and walruses so tame that they come up uv their own akkord to be ketched. “The climate is about the style uv that they hev in Washinton. The Gulf Stream sweeps up the coast, causing a decided twist in the isothermal line, wich hez the effeck uv making it ruther sultry than otherwise. Anywheres for six hundred miles back uv the coast strawberries grow in the open air. I recommend strongly the purchis. “To the President: Notwithstandin the slite difference uv opinion that may egzist between us on certin minor questions uv public policy, and despite the unguarded expressions I may hev indulged in in the heet uv debate, I kin trooly say that I hev ever cherished the most endoorin faith in the rectitood uv yoor intenshuns, the honesty uv yoor purpose, and the purity uv yoor motives. I hev a nephew in my State who desires the posishen uv Assessor uv Internal Revenoo. He is capable and honest; and while he hez alluz voted the Republican ticket, he hez dun it so mildly ez not to be objeckshenable to those who differ with him. Indeed, last fall he wuz accoosed, and perhaps justly, uv votin for a candidate for Congress who wuz a supporter uv yoor policy, wich, tho I do not in all respecks accept, hez, I must acknowledge, many pints in it to recommend it to a discriminatin people. I shood esteem his nominashen a persnal favor. “To the President: I am, ez yoo are aware, known ez a Radical; but between generous foes there kin be none of that terrible spirit uv blind hate which characterizes some uv my associates, who shel be here nameless. I will say, however, that ef the Senators from Massachoosets, and some others I cood menshun, wood resine or die, they wood confer a favor upon the country. I oppose you becoz I differ with yoo, ez does my State; but that opposishen hez never lessened my high admirashen uv your patriotism, yoor even temper, or the many good qualities uv your head and heart, wich shine out so conspickuous. I hale you ez a worthy successor uv the first A. J. I hed not intended to mix things persnel to myself in this friendly triboot, but will do violence to my feelins by observin that the posishun uv Collector at — is admirably adapted to a cousin uv mine, whose talence ez a lawyer hez never bin appreciated by those who know him best. He agrees with me that impeachment is not to be thot uv, and that sessions uv Congress, other than reglar ones, is uselis. Shood yoo be pleased to make the appintment, I shel be proud to return the favor in any way possible. Ef it woodent be askin too much, a son uv mine wood be glad to serve his country ez a Inspector uv Revenoo. Inheritin from me devoshun to our common country, he burns to devote himself to her service. * * The Democracy treated Johnson with contemptuous coolness in his last days. His failure to divide the Republican party made him of no use to them. “I hev, ez yoo know, the highest possible regard for yoor Eggslency, and shel regret exceedingly to see yoo deprived uv yoor high offis; but, reely you kin scarcely eggspect the Dimocracy to embarrass themselves by espousin yoor coz. The fact is, no party hevin a fucher before it kin tie itself to a ded past. The teemster draws a sigh over a ded mule, but ez a ded mule can't draw his cart, he naturally turns his eyes onto them still possest uv vitality. I hope yoo see the pint without my explainin it. Excuse me for comparin yoo to a ded mule, but the simile wuz the first that segested itself to me. “Wood a regiment uv Irish raised in this place be uv any servis? Anser! “Since the disgraceful exhibishen yoor friends made uv theirselves at the Philadelphia Convenshen, I didn't consider myself bound to yoo. I, ez yoo know, never took any stock in half-and-half mixters. My defeet by Thurman hezn't increased my love for yoo and yoors. I hev no objecshen to yoor holdin yoor seet to the end uv yoor term, but reely it's a matter uv but little consekence to me. Shood you pass thro Dayton on yoor way to Tennessee, I shood be glad to extend the hospitalities uv my humble house to yoo.” “I feel for yoo; that is, I feel for yoo on general principles. (Thad Stevens, permit me to say, in parenthesis, hez been feelin for yoo, and hez at last, I am satisfied, found yoo.) I feel for yoo ez I do for every man who hez a offis and is obliged to leeve it. Nevertheless, I can't help you. I wood, but yoo see we hev all we kin do to help ourselves. Uv course yoo don't expect the Dimocracy to take any part in the struggle between yoo and Congriss. Elected ez a Republikin, with Republikins in yoor Cabinet, the Dimocrisy, while they applaud wat yoo hev done, can't uv course make yoor quarrel theirs. When yoo leave Washington for Tennessee can't yoo take Concord in yoor way? I hev no objecshen to minglin teers with yoo.” “Sir: I return the appintment yoo gave me last month with loathin and skorn. I survived the Noo Orleans and Memphis massacres, yoor opposition to the will of Congris, and all the other damnin inquities uv yoor most damnable administration, but this last attempt to hist Stanton I can't endorse. Therefore I bolt. Your successor will, I hope, do me justis, and likewise the Senit.” “Defy Congriss, and let em impeech yoo. Dare em to do their dirty d—dest. Ef they shood hist yoo, all the better. It will be an immense help toward the election uv McClellan. Think how much yoo kin do for the coz in this way, and stand firm. Visit Hartford on yoor way to Tennessee.” “Be firm — be firm. The impeachment uv yoorself will raise sich a storm uv indignashun in the North, and sich sympathy for Southern Dimokrats, ez to make the nominashun uv even sich men ez Breckinridge certin. Yoo are, now, uv vast yoose to the coz! I will meet yoo at Looisville, and accompany yoo to Tennessee.” The Dimocrisy uv Noo Hampsheer send greetin to Noo Hampsheer's noblest son, Salmon P. Chase. We forgive and welcum him. The city is ablaze with enthoosiasm. My old poleece is now paradin the streets, a cheerin for Chase. Ez I write they are givin nine cheers and a tiger ez they pass the spot at wich Dostie wuz shot. Judge Abell desires me to add his congratulashuns. The circle wich hez a interest in the handlin uv ardent sperits at this place, congratulates the President on his triumph over his (and our) enemies. Ther confidence in the integrity uv the Senit wuz not misplaced. They consider the money they contributed to bring about this result well spent, and will promptly honor any draft made upon em for means to carry His Eggslency safe thro the remainin ten articles. Halleloojy! I'll hev my niggers agin! Thank Hevin! My son Josier is even now findin out ther whereabouts. The Lord be praised! Hev already subjoogated three uv em. Selah! Bells is ringin and bonfires is blazin. The Corners congratulates yoo and the President. I commence work to-morrer on the enlargement uv my distillery, wich wuz suspended when the impeachment onpleasantnis wuz begun. All hale! My dear, dear Friend: Absence, it is sed, conkers love, but that won't work in your case. I had tried to forget yoo, and hed well nigh succeeded, but in overhaulin some papers yesterday, I happened to come across some uv yoor notes of hand for small amounts borrowed uv me at different times, and I realized to-wunst the force of the old line, — “Tho lost to site, to memry dear,” and I bust out into a flood uv tears.
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