University of Virginia Library

Nonsense upon Sense, &c.

Moūt meekly low, on blew presumptuous wings,
Relate the force of fiery water Springs,
Tell how the Artick, and Antartick Pole
Together met at Hockley in the Hole:
How Etna, and Vessuvius, in cold bloud,
Were both drown'd in the Adriatick floud.
Speak truth (like a Diurnall) let thy Pen
Camelion like, rouze Lions from their Den,
Turne frantick Wolpacks into melting Rocks,
And put Olympus in a Tinder box:
Report how Russian Cats doe barke like dogs,
And Scithian Mountains are turnd Irish Bogs,
Feast Ariadne with Tartarian Tripes,
Transforme great Canons to Tobacco-pipes:
Make Venus like a Negro, white as jet,
And puffe-paste of the Tomb of Mahomet.
Then mounted on a Windmill presently
To Dunstable in Derbyshire I'le flie:
From thence Ile take the Chariot of the Sun,
And swim to Scotland, and bring news what's done:
From thence Ile soare to silver Cintha's lap,
And with Endimion take a nine years nap:
There Ile drinke healths with smug-face Mulciber,
At all the twelve signes in the Hemisphere.
Tush tell not me these things are past dispute,
I'le from th'Hesperides bring golden fruit:
Such as the Poets Palfrey Pegasus,
Fetch'd from the fertile Molehill Caucasus,
Tis not the Persian Gulph, or Epshams Well,
Nor Westminsters sweet Plum-broth (made in Hell)
Can change my resolution, I have vow'd,
To speake with silence and to write aloud,
That Bulls of Basan, and the Circean Swine,
Shall all dance Trenchmore at these words of mine.
Rowse up thou Ghost of Gusman, and apply
Thy selfe to me and let's write Tempe dry:
Be rul'd by me, we'le empty all Hellicon,
In scribling 'gainst the Whore of Babylon.
The Dunsmore Cows milke shall make Sillibubs,
And our Religion shall be brought in Tubs.
Make hast unto the faire call'd Bartholomew,
And thence from the Heroick Mungrell Crew,
Take the fine gugaw hobby horses all,
Which we will man, and then a Counsell call
And conquer Callice, Kent and Christendome,
Knock down the Turck, and bravely ransack Rome;
What can be done more? What more can be sed?
Let's play at Blind-man-buffe for Ginger-bread:
We'le have a dish of Dabs in Fish-street drest,
And with the Lobsters Ladies we will feast.
For as the Gowt is but a pleasing itch,
The best Bear-garden Bull-dog was a Bitch.
We have both eight and eighteen parts of speech,
Whereby I learn Ash burns as well as Beech,
Gargantua's scull is made a frying pan
To fry or follow the Leviathan,
That Gogmagog, Nick Wood, or Mariot,
Nor Creatan, Miloe or Iscariot
Were not such valiant stomack'd men as those
That eat the Devils gowty petitoes.
Hark, hark, how from the South fierce Boreas rores
Give me a Sculler or a pair of Oares.
Ile make the Orient, and the Occident,
Both friends at Smithfield in the wild of Kent:
For now Tom Holders Mare hath broke her Cruppe
Dresse me a dish of Æ-dipthongs to supper.
The Dean of Dunstable hath bought and sold
Twelve lies new Printed, for two groats in gold.
Tis almost past the memory of man,
Since famous Arthur first in Court began:
Yet though King Lud did raign in Troynovaunt,
Will Summers was no kin to John of Gaunt.
What news from Tripoly? ware horns there ho:
The West-wind blows South-North at Ierico.
Steer well and steady, boyes look, look to th'Helme,
Fetch Goesberries that Grow upon the Elme:
Like Cormorants lets live upon the Ayre,
And of a Whirle-poole make a Marble Chair.
Blind men may see, and deafe men all shall hear
How dumb men talk, because Cow-hides are dear.
Go to th'Utopian Kingdome and relate,
That to their King these lines I dedicate:
Bid him take note of me, and understand
He hath not such a Poet in his Land.
Down by the dale with milk and cream that flows,
Upon a Hill (below the Valley) grows
Hungarian Peacocks white as crimson Geese,
There sate a Rat upon a Holland Cheese:
No sooner did blind Bayard see the sight,
Two beauteous ugly Witches took their flight
To tell the King of China wondrous news,
Howall Scotch Knaves were hang'd and English Iews.
Th'Athenian Hidra, and the Bird Torpedo
Were catcht in France in Mouse-traps near Toledo.
A Scolopendra comming neare Pickthatch,
Made drunke a Constable and stole the watch.
Do what you can, Madge howlet is an Owle:
And Beans with Buttermilke is rare wilde Fowle.
The Coblers daughter, wee three both together,
Wee'le match, he'l give a thousand pieces with her;
Besides the smoak of Keinsam and Bell-Swagger,
Who oft at Mims did use his dudgeon Dagger:
Then shall the Perecranians of the East,
South, North, and West, with every Bird and Beast;
All knuckle deep in Paphlagonian Sands,
Inhabite Transilvanian Netherlands:
'Tis the onely gallant way to gaine promotion,
To squeese Oyle from the Cindars of Devotion,
Transsate our Rownd head Turnips into Carrets,
And turne the lowest Cellars to high Garrets:
Let Neptune be a shepheard, and let Vulcan
Make hast to Greeneland, and there drinke his full Kan.
Of Molehils in the entrance of Dame Theatis,
Titus Andronicus hath writ a Treatise,
Wherein a man may learn before he looks
To catch mince-pies with neither nets nor hooks:
There policy with practise cut and dri'd
Were carted both in triumph through Cheapside.
If Monday hang himselfe no further seek.
Henceforth Tuesday shall begin the week.
No more of that I pray, I am afear'd
Ther's not one haire upon Diana's beard.
Great Agamemnon late combin'd with Hector,
To preach at Amsterdam an Irish Lector,
Which shall convert the Horse, the Asse, and Mule
And all the Beasts in Hipperborean Thule
If Sun-shine will with shaddowes but consent
We'le make the winter of our discontent
To force fierce Crook-back into better tune,
And turne Decembers heat to frost in June.
When this externall substance of my soule
Did live at liberty, I caught wild fowle,
I was a Caiftiffe in the Court of Spaine,
And playd at shuttle-cock with Charlemaine:
Then I did magnifie and mundifie,
Then I the Fairy Queen did putrifie,
And purifie againe, and dignifie,
All such as did her greatnesse deifie,
Females did edifie and fructifie,
And Amplifie and coldly gratifie.
The Lake of Lerna I did clarifie,
My Verse the Æthiop Queen did beautifie,
With rage my patience I would qualifie,
I can both certifie and testifie
How death did live, and life did mortifie:
Feare alwayes did my courage fortifie:
He's crafty that his wits can rectifie,
To villifie, make glad and terrifie,
And with course words old debts to satisfie,
That man Ile ratifie and notifie
To be one that himselfe will Justifie,
And fie, fo, fum, concludes him with O fie:
Thus from complexions I have Mineralls drawne,
Brave Captaine Fumble layd his sword to pawn
To ransome Jeffery Chaucers Cipresse Gowne.
Thersitis with a Rush knockt Ajax downe
Imperious Momus wrote th'Atlantick story
Of wars betwixt Achilles and John Dory:
'Twas dedicated to the Isle of Lundy,
An Embleame right of transit gloria mundi.
Thus the great Amadis de Gal was able
With Nonsence (like sence) to endure a Fable
Thus Mirmidons, upon the plains of Sarum
Did beat up Pompies quarters with alarum.
Let not the distances of place molest us,
Abidos is not forty miles from Sestus:
As Hero lov'd Leander, I'le agree,
Though he and she were mad, what's that to me?
Tis like Cleopatra and Antonius
Met, but saw not the Cardinall Baronius:
The Capitol, and silken Rock Tarpeyus
In a Seadan to Lichfield shall convey us;
And like a wheel-barrow we'l cut and curry,
And fetch good news from Shropshire and from Surry:
There is no Eunuch of the Race of Brutus,
That either can confute us, or cornute us.
Old Solon was no jester, nor no jyber,
And English Thames is better than Rome's Tyber:
I took a Camel, and to Naples went I,
Of pickled Sausedges I found great plenty:
The Gudgeon catcher there o'retop'd the Nobles,
And put the Vice Roy in a peck of troubles:
Brave tag rag multitude of Omnium Gatherum,
Shuffle 'um together, and the Devill father 'um:
But now and then was squez'd a rich Delinquent,
By which good means away the precious chink went:
Renowned was the Raskall Massennello,
In fifteen dayes he was raw, ripe, and mellow.
Laugh, laugh, thou whining Foole Heraclitus,
And weep thou grinning Asse Democritus:
The grey Horse is the better Mare by halfe,
The Bull at Bear-Garden, and Walthams Calfe
Are reconcil'd, but not concluded fully
Who pleaded best, Demosthenes or Tully:
I am indifferent, fill the other Kan,
Logick hath art to make an Ape a man.
I weeping sing, to think upon the Quiblins
Twixt Romane, and Imperiall Guelphs and Giblins.
How Munsters John a Leide, and Knipperdoling
Were barbarous Barbers in the art of poling.
From Sence and Nonsence, I am wide, quoth Wallice,
But not so far as Oxford is from Callice:
Give me a Leash of merry blades, right Bilboes,
True tatter'd Rogues in Breech, Shirts, Skirts, and Elboes,
And each of them will make a fit Disciple.
To ride up Holborn to the tree that's triple:
A man may think his purse is quite turn'd Round-head,
When all the crosses in it are confounded:
'Tis sayd that Poetry a thriving trade is,
And gets a world of wealth from Lords and Ladies;
The Devill they do, false shamefull Lown thou ly'st,
And when thou canst no longer live, thou dy'st.
Lend me Rhamnussnes Flanders blade, Ile lash
The sober Centaure, turn great Oaks to Ash:
A long Devils broath, be sure you bring a spoon,
Our mornings shall begin at afternoon;
And Minos, Eacus, nor Rhadamantus
May rore and rant, but never shall out rant us.
As we are Temporall, let's be Temporizers,
We scorn to be surpriz'd, we'l be surprizers:
Let's make grim Pluto stink, the welkin rumble,
And Hollophernes bluster, blow, and grumble,
Rending up mighty Thistles by the roots,
Because an Ostler stole away his boots:
Then with a multiplying Gally pot,
Ile know the projects of the crasty Scot;
And then he shall be forc'd to hide his head
In Tenebris, in Poland, or in Swead:
Fough, this Tobacco stinks; thou dirty Hag,
Stand further near, Ile put thee in a bag.
Search Asia, Affrick and America,
To find the Goddesse Berecinthia,
And know how Pirramus and this befell
Together by the years late in Bridewell.
Words are but wind in Terme time, but Vacations
Are fit to publish silent Proclamations.
There was a businesse never understood,
The woman's suit in Law was just and good:
She lost the day, this did her Cause disgrace,
The Lawyer put some ill into her Case.
Before Ile live this life, Ile take a knife,
And drown my selfe, and then what needs a Wife?
Strange things are done by Art and humane power,
Quinborow Castle landed neare the Tower.
Much like a Prodigy old time played Rex:
A Kentish Castle came to Middlesex.
May not a man cal'd Newgate dwell at Higate,
And wed a Widdow at the Pie at Algate?
Therefore let us like or dislike Presbytery,
It will worke finely if it once besquitter ye.
Bring me a Salamander from Surat in France,
The Alps and the Pirenian hils shall dance.
In Greenewich Parke there smiling Nioby
Shall laugh and lye downe like an Oyster Pye.
Fame is a lying slut, she told me tayles,
That in October Christmas came from Wales:
Believe it take the wings of Icarus,
And walke to Hounsditch, and to Erebus,
There tell them playnly how the case stands here.
And bring us word how matters do goe there.
Unto the Market Ile run presently,
And there a peck of troubles I will buy,
One told me they would multiply and grow:
All England with them I will plant and sow.
Which as they ripen dayly Ile take care
That every living soule shall have a share:
Ile serve myselfe first, and Ile have such store
In time of need to serve a thousand more.
But I forget my Theame. O foule offence!
This nonsence hath a taste of too much sense:
The Asse, Goos, Woodcock, Buzard, and the Gull,
Beat out their brains, and put them in my scull;
And tell the men of Gotham tis thought fit
The Wisemen there should lend me all their wit:
For Nonsence I will tax all Christendome,
Great Emperours and Kings shall pay me some,
And many a Major, or justice of the Peace
Will give me tribute and the Tax encrease
To such a height, that Cardinals from Rome,
Cuckolds, and Costables shall pay me some:
Strong Hull, with fatal Hell, and Hallifax,
Shall naturally bring me tole and tax:
The mighty stock of Nonsence I will win:
Shalbe the universal Magazine,
For Universities to worke upon
The Rich Philosophers admired Stone:
Then I make Poets rich, and Usurers poor;
And thus resolv'd at this time write no more.